If to earn money, try reading some commercially published stuff, try emulation ,try contacting the actual publishers ......... send them some one page samples ........
I dunno, I read some fanfiction the other day and it was damn awful!
Fanfiction - another thing I just don't get. I only read one piece and it was car-crash fiction - it was just awful. in the days before t'internet it would have stayed where it belonged - in a notebook or wastebin.
Davey, please, no more. I don't think for a moment you're a serious writer, you probably have no intention of ever really writing a novel, so don't waste our time by asking for feedback. (Although I'd say what you've had so far is pretty conclusive.)
Thanks for all your responses everyone. I realise that I've made the writing a bit too obvious... I need to let my reader use their imagination a bit more, instead of me telling them what's happening all the time. And I realise grammar needs a bit of work.
I might make a few tweaks... and post some improvements.
Really not sure you should bother. I don't think "a few tweaks" are going to turn that pile of pants into something readable. It was REALLY bad.
What period is this set in because I got the impression it was historical until it got to the car bit. I think you are trying too hard. The rubber ball bit was just strange. It just felt too OTT. The punctuation and grammar need some work as well. He "saw" his pregnant Madame not he "seen" for example.
I agree with all of the above. I thought it was set in the 19th century then I read the 'roundabout' bit. I know hair can be described as 'bouncy' but comparing it to a rubber ball is strange to say the least. The way they came to kiss is also a bit bizarre. Did she trip and fall on him or what? The fact that they both 'giggled' afterwards doesn't strike me as being erotic either. English grammar and language needs to be looked at too. The use of 'seen' instead of 'saw' at the end was particularly jarring.
Really not sure you should bother. I don't think "a few tweaks" are going to turn that pile of pants into something readable. It was REALLY bad.
This post here is everything that's wrong about the Internet. It's one thing to critique and comment on the OP's writing, since he started this thread for that very reason. It's quite another to kick him while he's down and discourage him from trying again, especially when the advice he plans to follow is basically sound.
I rarely comment on individuals' posts but I think you're out of order. You made good use of this forum to get constructive advice recently, didn't you? So why doesn't the OP deserve the same?
Since you're someone who seems to write fluently and generally treat others with respect, I'm surprised you'd be so rude and dismissive. Next time you post, perhaps you should ask yourself if you'd be willing to say the same things to a person's face instead of just behind a keyboard.
OP: I can't offer any other advice than that which others have already offered, but, as I say, the changes you propose to make sound promising, so I'd be happy to give you tips on the second draft. It's actually refreshing on this forum to see someone take advice on the chin and work with it!
< The responses to this thread have been some of the funniest I have seen in ages (and i haven't even had a snifter tonight) >
Did they give you an uncontrollable flick?
The OP very badly needs to pop down to the local library and get a further education brochure. Look up 'Creative Writing' classes. He will learn a few basics.
You do not have to be a genius to write, but if you aren't a genius you have to realise that it is a craft which needs learning. You find out by hearing other pupils' stuff whether yours is any good and by reading out your stuff you will get comments from others.
This post here is everything that's wrong about the Internet.
Actually, I'd say quite the opposite - this kind of blindly supportive nonsense when somebody is quite clearly totally devoid of talent is one of the internet's biggest flaws. There's a time and a place for blunt criticism, and this is it. The OP should just stop.
Let's rewrite this in a more mundane fashion, to see what actually happens here.
---
The serving girl moved towards him and as she approached, he got an uncontrolable flick in his underpants. At that moment - and for scant reason - she randomly fell on him and started panting on his neck. As is typical when a servant falls on her employer, he decided to take this as a sign it was ok to start dragging her clothes off and accidently came in his pants as he did so.
Due to the overwhelming sexiness of a man creaming himself after having a maid trip and fall on him, she proceeded to lick her lips and stick her tongue down his throat. In response to this, he giggled like a fourteen-year-old schoolgirl, probably killing any sense of romance in the process (but possibly indicating another premature ejaculation).
Things might have gone better, though, if the employer had not forgotton the fact that his wife - currently rotund with child - was actually in the room watching.
Shit, he thought. I really ought to behave more appropriately when the maid trips up in future - then heads off in search of some clean underwear.
---
Well, to me, it seems like the scene has little logic to it. What the hell is going on? It seems some upper-crust type is lusting after his maid, when she randomly collapses on him (whilst in the midst of her duties, apparently. Was she serving dinner or something? I hope she didn't spill anything on him!) and he takes this as a good opportunity to pull her clothes off. But at the same time, his pregnant wife is standing back and watching this unfold.
I'm not seeing the logic of the scene.
(and yes, i know I randomly switched perspective towards the end of that "reimagining." I wasn't writing for publishing there!!)
Comments
If to earn money, try reading some commercially published stuff, try emulation ,try contacting the actual publishers ......... send them some one page samples ........
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forum_(magazine)
Fanfiction - another thing I just don't get. I only read one piece and it was car-crash fiction - it was just awful. in the days before t'internet it would have stayed where it belonged - in a notebook or wastebin.
Davey, please, no more. I don't think for a moment you're a serious writer, you probably have no intention of ever really writing a novel, so don't waste our time by asking for feedback. (Although I'd say what you've had so far is pretty conclusive.)
Really not sure you should bother. I don't think "a few tweaks" are going to turn that pile of pants into something readable. It was REALLY bad.
Shouldn't that be "turned and saw"
I agree with all of the above. I thought it was set in the 19th century then I read the 'roundabout' bit.
This post here is everything that's wrong about the Internet. It's one thing to critique and comment on the OP's writing, since he started this thread for that very reason. It's quite another to kick him while he's down and discourage him from trying again, especially when the advice he plans to follow is basically sound.
I rarely comment on individuals' posts but I think you're out of order. You made good use of this forum to get constructive advice recently, didn't you? So why doesn't the OP deserve the same?
Since you're someone who seems to write fluently and generally treat others with respect, I'm surprised you'd be so rude and dismissive. Next time you post, perhaps you should ask yourself if you'd be willing to say the same things to a person's face instead of just behind a keyboard.
OP: I can't offer any other advice than that which others have already offered, but, as I say, the changes you propose to make sound promising, so I'd be happy to give you tips on the second draft. It's actually refreshing on this forum to see someone take advice on the chin and work with it!
The responses to this thread have been some of the funniest I have seen in ages (and i haven't even had a snifter tonight)
Did they give you an uncontrollable flick?
The OP very badly needs to pop down to the local library and get a further education brochure. Look up 'Creative Writing' classes. He will learn a few basics.
You do not have to be a genius to write, but if you aren't a genius you have to realise that it is a craft which needs learning. You find out by hearing other pupils' stuff whether yours is any good and by reading out your stuff you will get comments from others.
Actually, I'd say quite the opposite - this kind of blindly supportive nonsense when somebody is quite clearly totally devoid of talent is one of the internet's biggest flaws. There's a time and a place for blunt criticism, and this is it. The OP should just stop.
loved that version even more :eek:
I always prefered pulsating rod myself.
on the old Channel 4 forums they wouldn't let you say pulsating rod. They would, however, let you say pulsating Rod Stewart.
NOOOOOOO!!! :eek:
You've just put me right off my chocolate digestive, you monster