You need legal advice if your split is not amicable and you need proper contact arrangements put into place,if you want them to live with you,, ie if you find out anything unsavoury about the new boyfreind, then you will have to go through the family courts and try to get what is known as a residence order.
If she has residence there is nothing you can do about her moving around.
When i split my case went through the family court for contact arrangements but beware it can be an expensive buisiness unless you can get legal aid.
These may be able to help good luck i feel for you having been there myself try to stay positive.:)
I think what you need to think about is what will work in practice. You could probably get an agreement to see your child at weekends and hopefully could meet halfway. BUT - as your child grows older he will want to see friends at weekends, play football, go to parties etc. Making him chose between having fun with his friends and seeing his dad will be very hard on him. So, to be honest, if they are serious about moving, you should try to move too. Your child will benefit hugely from being able to pop round for a visit whenever he wants.
So his ex has all the fights about getting him up for school everyday, and in bed on time, and does all the hard work, and then his dad gets the fun times at the weekends and sometime during the school holidays? Not a chance.
My Mother had that sort of attitude towards my Dad. She would prevent me seeing him on any given weekend at at whim. However he died when I was a teenager and she thought that the way was clear for *her*. However of course, I have never forgotten my Dad. I am in my thirties now and she is in her seventies and I rub her nose in it now. All these years later and I still remember the emotional pain at the time of not being able to see my Dad.
Remember that what might seem a good idea to you, your child will be suffering emotional pain through not being able to see their other parent but of course that comes second to you havig 'fun' time.
Speak to a solicitor regarding setting up a meeting with both parents and a mediation service.
^ this.
Also OP should be able to get legal aid as he is not working , unless he has a lot of savings. My son had help with his legal fees as he was on a relatively low wage.
The only way to resolve this is through negotiation. Clearly your ex-wife can choose to move if she wishes - only you will know whether she would be swayed by the best interests of your child in terms of being able to see both parents regularly and easily. I think it's very sad that she's considering doing this and whilst there may be some benefit to your son to be brought up in a two adult household with more income it's also in his best interests to have parents who support the other parent's relationship with the child and tries their hardest not to compromise that. Could you sit down and express to her your fears of losing the close relationship you now have with your son and ask her to re-consider the move until he's older?
If she decides to move then it may be possible to negotiate (or achieve through the courts) longer access arrangements.
I would give serious thought to finding accommodation nearer to where your son will be living if there is no other option - if you aren't working then travel to work may not be an issue.
Although I'm a mum rather than a dad I have been in the situation of trying to ensure that my kids were able to maintain a strong relationship with my ex because I knew that this was in their long term best interests. We live half a mile apart and the kids (now 18 and 20) were able as they grew up to move seamlessly between the two homes. It really is worth the effort - if your ex-wife really has your sons best interests at heart she will understand this - and maybe it wouldn't hurt to remind her that HE and not either of you is the innocent party here that you need to put at the centre of these arrangements.
Just like to say what a well balanced attitude. Pity more parents dont think the same instead of letting selfishness and bitterness get in the way.
I need to know what i am entitled to know as a dad about the move, i mean things like the adress hes going to
I can answer this one. Yes, you are legally entitled to know your child's place of residence, even a holiday residence qualifies. Your ex-wife legally cannot take your son to live anywhere without providing you with the address.
But to echo other posters, you really need to see a family solicitor and get access arrangements solidified.
My ex-wife moved to the other end of the country when my daughter was 10. I made sure that I talked to my daughter every day on the phone; that she came to see me or I went down there every school holiday; that I occasionally visited the schools she attended to see how she was doing and make sure that they were aware that I was interested; and that we developed shared interests so that we could do things together that we both enjoyed and had stuff to talk about during our phone conversations.
Although I was a 6 hour train journey away from her I've probably ended up knowing her better than a lot of dads who actually live with their kids. The trick is to make sure that you're there and visible and interested. Whatever problems you may have had with your ex and/or with her new partner you have to put them to one side, your relationship with your child is way more important.
My daughter's now 22 and we still talk nearly every day. Long distance parenting can work.
OP, if you are not working have you thought about moving closer to your son. Your ex's boyfriend seems to have more ties to his area than you do. It would be easier to maintain a relationship with your son and you might find some work too in another area.
To be honest I dont think you can object to her moving if it is still in England so other than that all you can do is renegotiate contact with him and ask for an increase but as someone else has said, once he gets friends in the locality he will probably want some weekend time with them and that will be his choice.
To be fair to your wife, if you son is not at school yet she has chosen the best time to relocate to another area and he will be living in a two parent house which is financially secure so for your son it probably is a good move, downside is your relationship may suffer so that is the thing to focus on. Your moving would resolve that.
I would quietly speak to a lawyer and find what your rights are, then go from there.
That could get very expensive very quickly, and if your ex gets wind of it, all hell could break loose.
I feel sure that on-line there will be sites that can give you basic advice as to your legal rights. So you only need a lawyer if your ex wants to stop access, which it appears she does not. Obviously, if you can keep on good terms - hard as that may be - then it is better for all.
Ultimately, FWIW, I believe your priority should be checking out your ex's new chap, discretely, and making as sure as you can that he is intending to treat your child well. If he meets you, before the move, and the two of you can reach some kind of accommodation, all the better. Good luck!
yes it is his job, ive been told that. unfortunatly thats not in my sons best interest or mine. money doesnt mean a thing compared to seeing your children regularly.
I like to think if the roles were reversed i wouldnt move with my son away to live with a girlfriend in say birmingham for example while my sons mum stayed here, but who knows.
I just feel that mums and dads are of equal importance to children.
I understand how you feel and I would agree with you entirely if she were moving to Australia or the US or even Spain or somewhere.
But 2 hours is no distance at all. Do you and your ex wife both drive. Surely you can work something out so that you can see him regularly.
I am assuming that she is not making general noises about making things difficult for you. She still needs to do whatever she can to make things as easy for you as possible. Maybe she could drive your son to you for the weekend and you could drive him home.
My Mother had that sort of attitude towards my Dad. She would prevent me seeing him on any given weekend at at whim. However he died when I was a teenager and she thought that the way was clear for *her*. However of course, I have never forgotten my Dad. I am in my thirties now and she is in her seventies and I rub her nose in it now. All these years later and I still remember the emotional pain at the time of not being able to see my Dad.
Remember that what might seem a good idea to you, your child will be suffering emotional pain through not being able to see their other parent but of course that comes second to you havig 'fun' time.
I never said I would stop my child seeing their mother, just that distance from her wouldn't be one of my major concerns when considering moving for a better job and a better standard of living for my family.
Nor would I give up every weekend and let Mum be the "fun" parent at the weekends while I'm the "mean" one that makes them go to bed early and do their homework during the week. That's not fair.
I never said I would stop my child seeing their mother, just that distance from her wouldn't be one of my major concerns when considering moving for a better job and a better standard of living for my family.
Nor would I give up every weekend and let Mum be the "fun" parent at the weekends while I'm the "mean" one that makes them go to bed early and do their homework during the week. That's not fair.
But it's not about the parents it's about the child having a relationship with both its mum and dad.
I never said I would stop my child seeing their mother, just that distance from her wouldn't be one of my major concerns when considering moving for a better job and a better standard of living for my family.
Nor would I give up every weekend and let Mum be the "fun" parent at the weekends while I'm the "mean" one that makes them go to bed early and do their homework during the week. That's not fair.
I respect these are your views. I am not trying to pick an argument here. It's just from a childs point of view it is emotionally wrenching enough to be away from the absent parent. I would live for the weekends I got to see my Dad and would be distraught when I couldn't see him. I don't know your personal circumstances. It's just that years later it could bite you back on the bum if your child is harbouring resentment. I feel very angry towards my Mum for various things not just this, but I remember the weekends she stopped me seeing my Dad.
If you do prevent your child from seeing the Mother as much as your child would like and something happens to the Mother, e.g. gets killed, then you will never be forgiven.
I do understand that you don't want to be the 'bad' guy while the Mother gets all of the fun but this isn't really about you? What would your child want. If your child is happy with the arrangement then no problem but don't cause a child unnecessary emotional anguish just because the arrangement doesn't suit you. My Dad died just when I was getting to an age I was able to make up my own mind to see him more and I feel so much resentment to my Mother who said to me when he died "Don't worry about it, you will forget about him in few weeks!" Of course that is more about me than you and I am aware of the dangers of projecting my own circumstances onto you here but I guess I am just saying to take you child/children's feelings into consideration too.
I never said I would stop my child seeing their mother, just that distance from her wouldn't be one of my major concerns when considering moving for a better job and a better standard of living for my family.
Nor would I give up every weekend and let Mum be the "fun" parent at the weekends while I'm the "mean" one that makes them go to bed early and do their homework during the week. That's not fair.
It's what the child needs/wants not what you want.
I do understand that you don't want to be the 'bad' guy while the Mother gets all of the fun but this isn't really about you?
Correct it's not about me. But it's also an unrealistic relationship for the child if one parent brings the fun and the other parent brings the naughty step.
I'm all for a child having an equal relationship with both parents, but that simply can't happen if one has the child during the week and the other has the child every weekend, as another poster was suggesting.
It's what the child needs/wants not what you want.
Correct. But more important than that is providing a stable home and family life for the child. In this case it is highly likely that the child will be better off with it's mother and her new financially solvent partner.
Correct it's not about me. But it's also an unrealistic relationship for the child if one parent brings the fun and the other parent brings the naughty step.
I'm all for a child having an equal relationship with both parents, but that simply can't happen if one has the child during the week and the other has the child every weekend, as another poster was suggesting.
But surely a relationship with a "strict" parent is preferable to one that is fraught with tension and difficulty due to bad feeling between mum and dad.
Being seen by your children as strict is not the end of the world.
Plenty of children grow up with parents who are together living in the same house and one is stricter than the other. it doesn't necessarily mean that one parent is more or less loved or appreciated.
It's what the child needs/wants not what you want.
To be fair I think Hooloovoo does have a point, perhaps it isnt that clear.
If mum works then her time with her son is going to be limited and we know her husband works. It means all their family outings at a weekend will not involve her son. If she has another child its going to divide her family too.
Dad does need to play a part, that too is important but there needs to be some balance in his life too so he gets to spend quality time with both parents. Perhaps dad could have him to stay every other weekend and extra time during the school holidays.
Dad hasnt explained why it would be hard for him to relocate nearer his son because in the grand scheme of things, he has the least in the way of ties.
But surely a relationship with a "strict" parent is preferable to one that is fraught with tension and difficulty due to bad feeling between mum and dad.
Being seen by your children as strict is not the end of the world.
Plenty of children grow up with parents who are together living in the same house and one is stricter than the other. it doesn't necessarily mean that one parent is more or less loved or appreciated.
But this is taken to extremes with the situation of a "weekend parent". It's one thing having one parent more or less strict at home living together. It's an entirely different scenario when you have the weekday parent providing 5/7ths of the discipline and the other parent providing fun days out and ice cream!
Correct it's not about me. But it's also an unrealistic relationship for the child if one parent brings the fun and the other parent brings the naughty step.
I'm all for a child having an equal relationship with both parents, but that simply can't happen if one has the child during the week and the other has the child every weekend, as another poster was suggesting.
Sadly though, that is the reality of many parents, especially if a child lives a few miles away from one parent and cannot look after the child during the week due to practical reasons As in the OPs case. You might get a kick out of hurting your ex partner from not letting them see the kids as often as they like but a child sees straight through that and they will harbour the resentment towards you.
Is getting one up on your ex-partner really more important than your child/childrens' emotional well being? That's kind of a rhetorical question.
If mum works then her time with her son is going to be limited and we know her husband works. It means all their family outings at a weekend will not involve her son. If she has another child its going to divide her family too.
Precisely.
The weekday parents time with the child is going to be limited to the evenings, which are likely to be tense with homework and bedtimes. While the weekend parent gets the relaxing quality time. How is that fair to other the child or the parents?
Is getting one up on your ex-partner really more important than your child/childrens' emotional well being?
No. But moving somewhere that would allow me to provide my child with a better standard of living is more important than living close to the ex-partner.
But this is taken to extremes with the situation of a "weekend parent". It's one thing having one parent more or less strict at home living together. It's an entirely different scenario when you have the weekday parent providing 5/7ths of the discipline and the other parent providing fun days out and ice cream!
Yes I understand that. I really do.
I suppose what I am saying is that - if you can try to avoid bad feeling between the parents and try to make it that all the adults are doing all they can to make things as easy as possible for themselves AND each other - whilst makiing allowances for issues that favour one or the other - then that is for the greater good of the extended family and particularly the children.
But yes, that is probably very difficult with already fractured adult relationships.
Comments
If she has residence there is nothing you can do about her moving around.
When i split my case went through the family court for contact arrangements but beware it can be an expensive buisiness unless you can get legal aid.
These may be able to help good luck i feel for you having been there myself try to stay positive.:)
http://www.realfathersforjustice.org/
Watch out though for what is left of the CSA that can hit you like a bombshell,if your ex goes to them.
My Mother had that sort of attitude towards my Dad. She would prevent me seeing him on any given weekend at at whim. However he died when I was a teenager and she thought that the way was clear for *her*. However of course, I have never forgotten my Dad. I am in my thirties now and she is in her seventies and I rub her nose in it now. All these years later and I still remember the emotional pain at the time of not being able to see my Dad.
Remember that what might seem a good idea to you, your child will be suffering emotional pain through not being able to see their other parent but of course that comes second to you havig 'fun' time.
^ this.
Also OP should be able to get legal aid as he is not working , unless he has a lot of savings. My son had help with his legal fees as he was on a relatively low wage.
Just like to say what a well balanced attitude. Pity more parents dont think the same instead of letting selfishness and bitterness get in the way.
I can answer this one. Yes, you are legally entitled to know your child's place of residence, even a holiday residence qualifies. Your ex-wife legally cannot take your son to live anywhere without providing you with the address.
But to echo other posters, you really need to see a family solicitor and get access arrangements solidified.
Although I was a 6 hour train journey away from her I've probably ended up knowing her better than a lot of dads who actually live with their kids. The trick is to make sure that you're there and visible and interested. Whatever problems you may have had with your ex and/or with her new partner you have to put them to one side, your relationship with your child is way more important.
My daughter's now 22 and we still talk nearly every day. Long distance parenting can work.
To be honest I dont think you can object to her moving if it is still in England so other than that all you can do is renegotiate contact with him and ask for an increase but as someone else has said, once he gets friends in the locality he will probably want some weekend time with them and that will be his choice.
To be fair to your wife, if you son is not at school yet she has chosen the best time to relocate to another area and he will be living in a two parent house which is financially secure so for your son it probably is a good move, downside is your relationship may suffer so that is the thing to focus on. Your moving would resolve that.
That could get very expensive very quickly, and if your ex gets wind of it, all hell could break loose.
I feel sure that on-line there will be sites that can give you basic advice as to your legal rights. So you only need a lawyer if your ex wants to stop access, which it appears she does not. Obviously, if you can keep on good terms - hard as that may be - then it is better for all.
Ultimately, FWIW, I believe your priority should be checking out your ex's new chap, discretely, and making as sure as you can that he is intending to treat your child well. If he meets you, before the move, and the two of you can reach some kind of accommodation, all the better. Good luck!
I understand how you feel and I would agree with you entirely if she were moving to Australia or the US or even Spain or somewhere.
But 2 hours is no distance at all. Do you and your ex wife both drive. Surely you can work something out so that you can see him regularly.
I am assuming that she is not making general noises about making things difficult for you. She still needs to do whatever she can to make things as easy for you as possible. Maybe she could drive your son to you for the weekend and you could drive him home.
It is all about give and take.
I never said I would stop my child seeing their mother, just that distance from her wouldn't be one of my major concerns when considering moving for a better job and a better standard of living for my family.
Nor would I give up every weekend and let Mum be the "fun" parent at the weekends while I'm the "mean" one that makes them go to bed early and do their homework during the week. That's not fair.
But it's not about the parents it's about the child having a relationship with both its mum and dad.
I respect these are your views. I am not trying to pick an argument here. It's just from a childs point of view it is emotionally wrenching enough to be away from the absent parent. I would live for the weekends I got to see my Dad and would be distraught when I couldn't see him. I don't know your personal circumstances. It's just that years later it could bite you back on the bum if your child is harbouring resentment. I feel very angry towards my Mum for various things not just this, but I remember the weekends she stopped me seeing my Dad.
If you do prevent your child from seeing the Mother as much as your child would like and something happens to the Mother, e.g. gets killed, then you will never be forgiven.
I do understand that you don't want to be the 'bad' guy while the Mother gets all of the fun but this isn't really about you? What would your child want. If your child is happy with the arrangement then no problem but don't cause a child unnecessary emotional anguish just because the arrangement doesn't suit you. My Dad died just when I was getting to an age I was able to make up my own mind to see him more and I feel so much resentment to my Mother who said to me when he died "Don't worry about it, you will forget about him in few weeks!" Of course that is more about me than you and I am aware of the dangers of projecting my own circumstances onto you here but I guess I am just saying to take you child/children's feelings into consideration too.
It's what the child needs/wants not what you want.
Correct it's not about me. But it's also an unrealistic relationship for the child if one parent brings the fun and the other parent brings the naughty step.
I'm all for a child having an equal relationship with both parents, but that simply can't happen if one has the child during the week and the other has the child every weekend, as another poster was suggesting.
Correct. But more important than that is providing a stable home and family life for the child. In this case it is highly likely that the child will be better off with it's mother and her new financially solvent partner.
But surely a relationship with a "strict" parent is preferable to one that is fraught with tension and difficulty due to bad feeling between mum and dad.
Being seen by your children as strict is not the end of the world.
Plenty of children grow up with parents who are together living in the same house and one is stricter than the other. it doesn't necessarily mean that one parent is more or less loved or appreciated.
To be fair I think Hooloovoo does have a point, perhaps it isnt that clear.
If mum works then her time with her son is going to be limited and we know her husband works. It means all their family outings at a weekend will not involve her son. If she has another child its going to divide her family too.
Dad does need to play a part, that too is important but there needs to be some balance in his life too so he gets to spend quality time with both parents. Perhaps dad could have him to stay every other weekend and extra time during the school holidays.
Dad hasnt explained why it would be hard for him to relocate nearer his son because in the grand scheme of things, he has the least in the way of ties.
But this is taken to extremes with the situation of a "weekend parent". It's one thing having one parent more or less strict at home living together. It's an entirely different scenario when you have the weekday parent providing 5/7ths of the discipline and the other parent providing fun days out and ice cream!
Sadly though, that is the reality of many parents, especially if a child lives a few miles away from one parent and cannot look after the child during the week due to practical reasons As in the OPs case. You might get a kick out of hurting your ex partner from not letting them see the kids as often as they like but a child sees straight through that and they will harbour the resentment towards you.
Is getting one up on your ex-partner really more important than your child/childrens' emotional well being? That's kind of a rhetorical question.
Precisely.
The weekday parents time with the child is going to be limited to the evenings, which are likely to be tense with homework and bedtimes. While the weekend parent gets the relaxing quality time. How is that fair to other the child or the parents?
No. But moving somewhere that would allow me to provide my child with a better standard of living is more important than living close to the ex-partner.
Yes I understand that. I really do.
I suppose what I am saying is that - if you can try to avoid bad feeling between the parents and try to make it that all the adults are doing all they can to make things as easy as possible for themselves AND each other - whilst makiing allowances for issues that favour one or the other - then that is for the greater good of the extended family and particularly the children.
But yes, that is probably very difficult with already fractured adult relationships.