How do I not tell her?

[Deleted User] · 21/02/12 - 01:05

Right, so to cut a long story short. I grew up without knowing my father, but I recently discovered that he is married with daughters (my half-sisters). I thought about contacting him last year but decided against it. Here's where it gets interesting...

In a bizarre twist of fate, recently one of the half sisters has sort of got to know one of my friends, and last week I found myself in the uncomfortable situation of meeting her face to face. She has no idea who I am, or even that she has a half brother. How on Earth do I avoid the temptation to tell her who I am if I happen to meet her face to face again?

TomGrant · 21/02/12 - 01:14

Freeman000 wrote: »

Right, so to cut a long story short. I grew up without knowing my father, but I recently discovered that he is married with daughters (my half-sisters). I thought about contacting him last year but decided against it. Here's where it gets interesting...

In a bizarre twist of fate, recently one of the half sisters has sort of got to know one of my friends, and last week I found myself in the uncomfortable situation of meeting her face to face. She has no idea who I am, or even that she has a half brother. How on Earth do I avoid the temptation to tell her who I am if I happen to meet her face to face again?

Similar kind of thing happened to me, but the other way round. I was aware that my dad remarried, and had one child, a girl.

Was on Facebook about 8 months ago and I got an inbox from her - turns out I had another half sister and half brother on top of that. Although I have no plans on meeting my dad, I'm in constant contact with my half-siblings now and think it's brilliant. Was an only child up until then and am so happy to have discovered them!

Maybe get your friend to ask a few questions and gauge a reaction before blurting, just to be on the safe side?

Good luck

Dante Ameche · 21/02/12 - 01:52

Just tell her, what's the worst that can happen?

Does she not have a right to know?

[Deleted User] · 21/02/12 - 01:58

TomGrant wrote: »

Similar kind of thing happened to me, but the other way round. I was aware that my dad remarried, and had one child, a girl.

Was on Facebook about 8 months ago and I got an inbox from her - turns out I had another half sister and half brother on top of that. Although I have no plans on meeting my dad, I'm in constant contact with my half-siblings now and think it's brilliant. Was an only child up until then and am so happy to have discovered them!

Maybe get your friend to ask a few questions and gauge a reaction before blurting, just to be on the safe side?

Good luck

How did she know about you? Presumably her dad told her?

Dante Ameche wrote: »

Just tell her, what's the worst that can happen?

Does she not have a right to know?

I don't think that would be responsible of me. She has no idea that her dad had kids outside of his marriage to her mum. Her world is her, her sister and her mum and dad. I couldn't just blow that apart.

Dante Ameche · 21/02/12 - 02:07

Freeman000 wrote: »

How did she know about you? Presumably her dad told her?

I don't think that would be responsible of me. She has no idea that her dad had kids outside of his marriage to her mum. Her world is her, her sister and her mum and dad. I couldn't just blow that apart.

Well if her 'your' dad isn't going to do the right thing, then who should?

How would you feel if you found out someone you'd know for ages turned out to be a half sibling but found out not from them or your parents but a stranger?

How do you think she would feel if she found out that you knew but said nothing?

If you want to talk about responsibility, take charge of the situation now sooner than later because when it comes out and it will, she wont be best pleased with you.

Smiirky · 21/02/12 - 02:10

She may be overjoyed to have a half brother!

danleto · 21/02/12 - 02:12

Why would you NOT tell her? That's the question you should be asking yourself.

[Deleted User] · 21/02/12 - 02:15

Dante Ameche wrote: »

Well if her 'your' dad isn't going to do the right thing, then who should?

How would you feel if you found out someone you'd know for ages turned out to be a half sibling but found out not from them or your parents but a stranger?

How do you think she would feel if she found out that you knew but said nothing?

If you want to talk about responsibility, take charge of the situation now sooner than later because when it comes out and it will, she wont be best pleased with you.

I know that he should have told her about me, but I can't help that. Of course it might turn out great if I tell her, but it could just as easily not. For all I know it could break up her parents' marriage. There could be a whole world of consequences for all I know.

danleto wrote: »

Why would you NOT tell her? That's the question you should be asking yourself.

Because it would be selfish. Once I've told her, there is no going back, and she might want nothing to do with me.

tara27 · 21/02/12 - 02:23

Can you not get into conversation with her and bring up your mum's name and where you are from etc ?. You might get a reaction. They might actually know of your mum. It happens. People turning a blind eye ,head in the sand back in the day .....whatever.
I agree,you can't drop a grenade into their family,that would be unkind. But I see nothing wrong with making HER want to know more.And if the truth comes out THAT way then it will be slightly less traumatic and it will be up to her if she chooses to tell her family what she discovers.

dollymarie · 21/02/12 - 07:13

I grew up from the age of 16 (im now 32) knowing that who everbody else in the world (outside my Mum, Dad and siblings) thought was my Mums sister, was in fact her Mum who had had her at 16. She went on to marry another man and have 3 boys, who thought my Mum was their auntie and not their half sister.

I kept quiet because my Mum asked me to, and I respected that, I was intending to get up at my "Gran" (I use that term loosely because I don't consider her as such) funeral and announce to everyone the truth.

However it all came out when my "gran" made the mistake of writing in my sisters wedding book (there must have been a small part of her that wanted my sister to have the memory after she was gone) and signed it Nanny Betty" one of the other grandchildren saw it, and confronted my "gran" who admitted everything.

My Mums brothers now know the truth, and whilst one of them has been brilliant, and they are meeting up regularly as well as sending eachother brother/sister cards (my Mum bawled her eyes out the first time she got one as she'd never had that) the other two haven't really bothered at all.

I'm glad I didn't know until the age I was because I don't think I would have "got it" but at the same time, I resent my "gran" because she never claimed me.

jra · 21/02/12 - 07:38

Freeman000 wrote: »

I know that he should have told her about me, but I can't help that. Of course it might turn out great if I tell her, but it could just as easily not. For all I know it could break up her parents' marriage. There could be a whole world of consequences for all I know.

I don't see why that would happen.

Freeman000 wrote:

Because it would be selfish. Once I've told her, there is no going back, and she might want nothing to do with me.

Well, the longer you leave it, the more likely that will happen.

So, there may be consequences if you tell her, but there will definitely be consequences if you don't tell her and she finds out from another source.

Smokeychan1 · 21/02/12 - 07:52

Although this girl may not know specifics, why do you assume she isn't aware her dad fathered a child outside of/before his marriage? You barely know her.

I think it is time to reconsider contacting your father. If he hasn't told his family already, then now will be the time to do so. But it isn't your responsibilty to hide who you are, just because he chose to in the past. It wouldn't be fair to your sister either and as you move in the same circle of friends, the sooner she is made aware the better.

fi~ · 21/02/12 - 07:54

do you know 100% for certain his wife doesnt know about you

Aquajaney · 21/02/12 - 08:39

I think you need to be sure the relationship with your mother was well before and over before the relationship with her mother or it could be very messy.

Osusana · 21/02/12 - 08:43

You need to speak to your father and find out what he has told his wife and his children - that's the only way it would be ok to approach your half-sister.

If you were in her position, would you not want to know you had a half-sibling?

butterworth · 21/02/12 - 09:08

Osusana wrote: »

You need to speak to your father and find out what he has told his wife and his children - that's the only way it would be ok to approach your half-sister.

If you were in her position, would you not want to know you had a half-sibling?

I agree with this. Speak to your father first and explain the situation and your current dilemma to him and see how you should jointly broach the subject with your half-sister.

(Incidentally, I had something slightly similar once. My Mum was adopted from a Barnardo's home but we did eventually get her real birth certificate, which showed she was born in Woking and had an unusual surname. I used to work in sales for an electronics company, and noticed that we had someone on our client list with that surname in Woking. I arranged a work appointment with them out of idle curiosity. Didn't say anything though. To me, 'blood' family doesn't seem like a big deal compared to the ones that brought you up..)

smudges dad · 21/02/12 - 09:29

Next time you meet you could ask about her family and whether she has any brothers. She may say no in which case look at the other advice. If she says yes then you could mention that you have 2 half sisters but have lost contact with your father who remarried. Depending on how bright she is, she might put 2 and 2 together and get 22.

Talullahmay · 21/02/12 - 09:45

Freeman000 wrote: »

Right, so to cut a long story short. I grew up without knowing my father, but I recently discovered that he is married with daughters (my half-sisters). I thought about contacting him last year but decided against it. Here's where it gets interesting...

In a bizarre twist of fate, recently one of the half sisters has sort of got to know one of my friends, and last week I found myself in the uncomfortable situation of meeting her face to face. She has no idea who I am, or even that she has a half brother. How on Earth do I avoid the temptation to tell her who I am if I happen to meet her face to face again?

This situation you find yourself in now isn't of your own making!
I really feel for you it must be so hard finding yourself in a predicament like this because the Adult's who created this situation chose to stick their heads into the sand & pretend it didn't happen & they didn't have to face it then head on as it should have been!
It's very sad that not only yourself but these other children will find themselves having to sort the mess out created along time ago!
It's not either of your fault's yet here you are asking for advice!
Why should you hide who you are? Like some dirty little secret! Because your NOT, your a human being with feelings too,! This might sound harsh to most ppl, But, It isn't your fault this girl hasn't been kept in the loop about who her relatives are, Yes it would be cruel to just blurt out all this stuff I get that, But it isn't up to you to keep this sharade going until the next generation find themselves in the same situation you do now. Or maybe even worse! Like commencing a relationship with someone only to find out their related! Good luck OP, At least your parent has been Honest with you!

Tt88 · 21/02/12 - 11:31

Hi op.

Its a very hard situation to be in. I would like to say , and i hope i dont offend you, are you 100% sure this man is your father? I would want to have some sort of evidence even if it is just birth certificate with his name on before thinking of telling the girl incase she thinks youre making it up to cause trouble.

[Deleted User] · 21/02/12 - 11:35

Think a lot depends on how it all came about. Did your Dad have a relationship with your mum before he met this girl's mum or after. If it was after then NO WAY should you say anything. If it was before then you should still think very carefully.

gemma-the-husky · 21/02/12 - 11:47

perhaps she DOES know she has a brother, but not that it is you.

if you are meeting her socially, the sooner you tell her the better. it wouldn't be good to keep it a secret while continuing to meet her.

[Deleted User] · 21/02/12 - 16:39

Tt88 wrote: »

Hi op.

Its a very hard situation to be in. I would like to say , and i hope i dont offend you, are you 100% sure this man is your father? I would want to have some sort of evidence even if it is just birth certificate with his name on before thinking of telling the girl incase she thinks youre making it up to cause trouble.

Yes I am sure. I can see the resemblance to me in my half-sister's face.

haphash · 21/02/12 - 16:49

gemma-the-husky wrote: »

perhaps she DOES know she has a brother, but not that it is you.

if you are meeting her socially, the sooner you tell her the better. it wouldn't be good to keep it a secret while continuing to meet her.

This. Do you live in a village? What if she falls in love with you? Ahh the complications are endless.

Just tell her. It's not your fault after all and why shouldn't she know?

jra · 21/02/12 - 17:28

haphash wrote: »

This. Do you live in a village? What if she falls in love with you? Ahh the complications are endless.

Just tell her. It's not your fault after all and why shouldn't she know?

I had thought of that possibility, tbh and then you might have a Danielle Heaney situation.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-514809/How-fell-love-brother-sister-grew-apart-met-20s.html

I know it's a DM article, but there are plenty of other links on the net.

Look up Genetic Sexual Attraction, GSA.

[Deleted User] · 21/02/12 - 20:44

haphash wrote: »

This. Do you live in a village? What if she falls in love with you? Ahh the complications are endless.

Just tell her. It's not your fault after all and why shouldn't she know?

She lives in a small town, I live in a village just outside.

And I can't see that happening! There's no reason why it should.

hugsie · 21/02/12 - 20:55

I'm going to go against the grain. As things stand, I don't think you should tell her. From what you have said you may be a result of an extra marital affair. If that is the case then telling her does far more than tell her of your existence, it may rip a family apart. If you can find any other way to do this then take it, because however innocent you are, you do not want to be the one who tore her family apart.

I think you have done nothing wrong and are a victim of circumstance. I really hope you can find a way to do this where everyone is happy.

Hey there!

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