I have tried several times in the last few months to get my marriage going again, both before and after I met my girlfriend.
The simple fact is, it's not happening. That might be my fault, maybe my wife's fault, maybe both our faults.
If I hadn't met my girlfriend, I'd still be thinking of leaving. She is in some ways incidental to my situation.
But, as mentioned in the OP, my daughters are far more important than anything or anyone else. I guess on reflection my question is more where do I draw the line between my happiness and that of my children.
Grow a pair and end your marriage if it is not working.
You don't get to have it both ways.
I grew up with parents who were unhappy. When they finally split when I was in my early teens, it was the best thing that could have happened: they were both happier and, therefore, I was happier - it didn't matter that they didn't live together. Staying together "for the sake of your children" is not always the best thing: being a good parent means putting your kids first, but that need not mean staying in your marriage - it's how you deal with the split that's important.
And, if it doesn't work out with your gf (which, let's face it, is probably what's going to happen, as she's likely to be raging when she finds out you lied) so be it. You have said you'd been thinking about ending your marriage before you'd met the "bit on the side" (which, I'll reiterate what an earlier poster said, is a rotten way to describe her...) so do the mature thing: end your marriage if you're so sure you can't save it and stay on good terms with your ex-wife to keep your children happy and secure.
You are lying to your wife, lying to your 19yr old, and dragging your children into your web of deceit.
Come clean now, tell the 19 yr old about your wife and children, see how she takes it! See if she wants to commit, see if she wants to commit to you being a weekend dad, and maybe getting involved or not - you shouldn't let her see your children for a long time anyway.
If she doesn't want to commit, just wants a boyfriend - then will you keep deceiving your wife?
Tell her - that way you will know.
Do you want to see your kids on the odd Saturday or Sunday, can you handle their confusion and feelings of abandonment and what it will do to them and the way they view relationships and marriage for the rest of their lives?
Do you want to keep 2 homes going? Where will you live? What can you offer the g/f - another family and a drain on your finances keeping 2 families going for the next 20+ years?
I suspect you just want a fling, an affair. Its your wife I feel sorry for.
Its a mess. I dont know how you can enjoy this sort of stuff, and risk everything for a bit of sex.
Take a long hard look at yourself.
If you make as much time and effort with your wife as you are doing seeing and thinking about this new woman your marriage might be the better for it.
However if you leave the marital home - then you are free and single - then take it from there.
Have you tried the nights out together? Leaving the girls with a relative for a sleep over?
Also, you say you are both trying-I wouldn't call spending time with a 19 year old trying to save your marriage.
I think you want the best of both world's, and who wouldn't if they could? but this is going to blow up soon and you will have no control any more.
Yes, we had weekends away all through the Summer and in to the Autumn, The reason was simply to try and recapture what we had before.
I then met my girlfriend, so we had tried on multiple occasions to fix the situation.
Do I want the best of both worlds? No. I just don't know how best to keep my daughters happy. A divorce will affect them, but staying miserable will too.
aaah yes, lust and desire. Every man's weakness. You have to ask yourself one question. Is the thrill of banging a hot girl worth all the drama and the chaos that will inevitably happen?
it's all a question of value.Remember everything in this world has a price. Are you willing to pay the price?
OP, You have basically conned your "girlfriend" into a relationship that only exists in her head. She believes you are someone you are obviously not and you must be lying like hell to cover up the other lies. You are living in a fantasy world. You don't care for the 19 year old, else you would have been honest and given her the choice has to whether she wanted to get involved with married man. If your marriage is in the dumps deal with it and try to make it better or leave well alone instead of duping a young girl to make yourself feel desired. I am sorry but you sound typical of men who lie to get what they want from women eg. sex.
"My wife doesnt understand me"
"we are only together for the sake of the children"
"we are more like brother and sister"
"we don't have sex"
Yes, we had weekends away all through the Summer and in to the Autumn, The reason was simply to try and recapture what we had before.
I then met my girlfriend, so we had tried on multiple occasions to fix the situation.
Do I want the best of both worlds? No. I just don't know how best to keep my daughters happy. A divorce will affect them, but staying miserable will too.
You will not be able to make any decisions until you are completely honest with both your wife and your girlfriend.
Have you considered marriage guidance? Don't dismiss the idea.
Look at the first line of my answer. Marriages go stale if they're not cared for. Give your wife some of your time, the time you're giving to your girlfriend. Go away together, even if it's just overnight. Remember why you married her. Rekindle those feelings. They're still there, honest!!
Do you think your wife's having a ball with the life you've described? Honestly, how would you feel if you found she had a boyfriend?
As for your happiness, you made that bed when you married and had children. THEY are your priority, not yourself. As for you being miserable, work on your marriage. A split will cause your daughters FAR more unhappiness. I see this on a day by day basis in my students.
I'm sorry if I come across as harsh, but I think you just need to reassess your priorities. Yes, of course it's flattering to be fancied by a younger woman-that's natural. However, very few 19 year olds want the responsibilities of another woman's children, and your whole relationship with this younger woman is based on a pack of lies.
Marriages go stale and fail for all sorts of reasons and some are impossible to rekindle however hard both parties try. In these circumstances it helps noone to stick together least of all the kids.
I dont go with your theory that a parents relationship with their children is entirely dependent on the parents having a relationship with each other even if that means faking it.
Children are quite capable of having individual relationships with each parent and happy parents living apart are better than unhappy parents living together. The rot kicks in if they cant maintain a civil relationship with each other after they have split up.
As for you OP you are guilty of deceit you have two relationships both built on lies. You have to view each separately if you are to move forward.
With your wife, you claim the relationship is dead and you have tried to rekindle it and it hasnt worked. If your marriage is dead then end it but keep talking to her throughout, keep it as civil as you can and absorb the blows when she gets angry and strikes out at you for a while. Its a normal part of accepting things so dont retaliate, the phase will soon pass.
You will then be free to continue with your new girlfriend or find a different relationship, allowing your wife to do likewise. She deserves someone who loves her and that isnt you.
As for your girlfriend, you are going to have to tell her the truth. If she decides to continue then stay honest with her from now on, if not, then you are free to find someone else.
Marriages go stale and fail for all sorts of reasons and some are impossible to rekindle however hard both parties try. In these circumstances it helps noone to stick together least of all the kids.
I dont go with your theory that a parents relationship with their children is entirely dependent on the parents having a relationship with each other even if that means faking it.
Children are quite capable of having individual relationships with each parent and happy parents living apart are better than unhappy parents living together. The rot kicks in if they cant maintain a civil relationship with each other after they have split up.
As for you OP you are guilty of deceit you have two relationships both built on lies. You have to view each separately if you are to move forward.
With your wife, you claim the relationship is dead and you have tried to rekindle it and it hasnt worked. If your marriage is dead then end it but keep talking to her throughout, keep it as civil as you can and absorb the blows when she gets angry and strikes out at you for a while. Its a normal part of accepting things so dont retaliate, the phase will soon pass.
You will then be free to continue with your new girlfriend or find a different relationship, allowing your wife to do likewise. She deserves someone who loves her and that isnt you.
As for your girlfriend, you are going to have to tell her the truth. If she decides to continue then stay honest with her from now on, if not, then you are free to find someone else.
Thanks for your opinion!
No one has said anything, however critical, I've not thought myself, but I think your post is very accurate.
You've lied to your girlfriend who is now in a relationship with someone who doesn't exist. You're cheating on your wife who is probably as miserable as you and faces having to sort out the mess you're dragging your children into - when you beggar off, she'll be the one left looking after them when they're heartbroken that daddy's gone.
One post claims your children are the most important factor in your life, but another makes it clear you aren't prepared to sacrifice your freedom and imagined happiness with the poor girl you're deceiving to keep your children's lives balanced and happy.
Growing up is tough and responsibilities are a pain in the backside at times but if you were enough of an adult to get married and have kids, perhaps you should start acting that way instead of sounding like a whining brat because life isn't as much fun as when you were free and single.
OP before you give up on your marriage, give Relate a try. If that doesn't help, then end it.
But don't kid yourself your 19 year old is going to want a man of nearly 40 with 2 kids.
Your children must be your priority. Good luck.
You've lied to your girlfriend who is now in a relationship with someone who doesn't exist. You're cheating on your wife who is probably as miserable as you and faces having to sort out the mess you're dragging your children into - when you beggar off, she'll be the one left looking after them when they're heartbroken that daddy's gone.
One post claims your children are the most important factor in your life, but another makes it clear you aren't prepared to sacrifice your freedom and imagined happiness with the poor girl you're deceiving to keep your children's lives balanced and happy.
Growing up is tough and responsibilities are a pain in the backside at times but if you were enough of an adult to get married and have kids, perhaps you should start acting that way instead of sounding like a whining brat because life isn't as much fun as when you were free and single.
Yeah agreed the OP has acted like a toe rag but its what he does now that's important surely.
Are you really asking him to stay with his wife when he has made it clear that the relationship has failed. Who does that help?
It sounds obvious, but you can't live your life in a lie and surely you know this. If you don't love your wife tell her and if you love this 19 year old then stop lieing to her. Otherwise, they'll both end up hating you. Take some responsibility for yourself and your actions and do the right thing for everyone concerned.
Good Lord! Bugger all the sanctimonious sermonising and demonisation of this poor chap. He is no doubt worn out already by the demands of his young totty coupled with the constant domestic strife with his good lady.
I suspect I speak for the silent few in wishing to know his secret for pulling a 19 year old bit of crumpet in his relatively advanced state of decay?
Good Lord! Bugger all the sanctimonious sermonising and demonisation of this poor chap. He is no doubt worn out already by the demands of his young totty coupled with the constant domestic strife with his good lady.
I suspect I speak for the silent few in wishing to know his secret for pulling a 19 year old bit of crumpet in his relatively advanced state of decay?
OP I agree with those who have said that it doesn't pay to stay for the children if that's all you think is worth saving - it only serves to make you and your wife unhappy nevermind the children. Better to have two happier parents apart and long term, what's worse? Get to 18 and find out that the reason your parents stayed together was for you and you had to tolerate all the fights and frustration?
That said, I don't agree that you have to fight to stay together either. I think this 19 year old has flattered you terribly and made the need to save your marriage less intense as it seems easier to walk away or excuse yourself - are you hoping for someone on DS to condone you?
Sometimes it's not possible to save a marriage without outside help as you keep going around in the same circles, arguing the same points and getting nowhere fast - there's no point going on a weekend away if you're thinking of a pretty girl elsewhere. She's not the solution OP, but you might find that Relate is. Have you thought of going to them, at least you can say you gave it a serious chance and if it doesn't work then perhaps you can agree to split cleanly and amicably.
I've been the 19 year old girl in love with an older man who I didnt' know what married. Sad to say that when I found out he was with a wife I still had an affair for 4 years - don't let that give you hope, the gap is too wide and you are stealing the best years of her life from her and offering her nothing in return if you chose to leave your wife but the hassles of divorce or adultery. If you care about her do you want to give her Christmas, her birthday and special days alone whilst you commit to your children? Seedy assignations in cars? Hardly very glam however it sounds. No matter how grown up I thought I was, the domestic situation, me so young, looking after his children. It's a lovely dream OP but take from it the flattery and no more. For kindness to her if not for yourself, walk away.
If you have made a decision to stay or leave, have the guts to commit to it and make an effort to be honest to either woman whilst clearly thinking of all the consequences to everyone involved - not least yourself.
OP I don't think you should be with either of them.
Your marriage clearly isn't working, and to stay with your wife for sake of the kids isn't fair on anybody.
You clearly haven't been honest with your G/F by not telling her your married.
Tbh I some time on your own is the best thing for you to work out what you really want.
Hi DW98, I feel for you, it is possibleto get into situationsthat you didn't intend - the problem sems to be sorting it all out.
To me, itsounds liek the marriage may have run its course, I may have missedthe bit where you've tried counselling. It is a lot to give up, but as someone whose parents stayed together,for godknows whatreason, it isn't always the right thing to do for the children.
If you do have strong feeling for your new girlfriend, and it does sound like it, then you have no choice but to bite the bullet and tell her the truth. If you don't, it won't be to protect her feelings; you'll be protecting your own, and unfortunately making things worse.
If you tell her, she may stay, she may go, but you have no control over that. If you don't tell her the truth, she WILL eventually find out, and the longer you leave it, the more deceit is piled on deceit, and there is more likelihood she will go anyway.
Not telling the girlfriend the truth is not an option. she WILL wqant to know, even ifshe screams, you will not be protecting her from anything by not telling here.
There is nothing you can do now that will guarantee she'll stay. But your marriage being over should be a separate debate. If that is over, leave. whether you tell your girlfriend before or after or never, you need to sort them both out.
I'm not sure I've helped....
You need to find out more about what your girlfriend requires from her relationship with you, and how serious she is about you. The age difference means she might quickly get bored with you and move on. So ask her what she wants.
Imagine it the other way round. "my husband ignores me, and I have this 19 lad who is a stunner shagging me and making me feel happy. Do I tell the husband or tell the bit on the side. I don't want to go back to being ignored by the husband if I give the 19yo stunner up.
Its easy to see the dilemma, I'd recommender to try and fix your marriage, go for meals, send her romantic texts, compliment her, and she will probably wonder what's going on but she may reciprocate with similar affection, and you may rekindle what you once had. If after you have spent as much time and effort on your wife as you have/do on the girlfriend and the marriage its still no better, then tell your wife you are unhappy in your marriage and take it from there. Your wife deserves to know the marriage isn't working, so she can decide if she still wants to be with you and try harder, or be set free to find her own 19 yo.
Kids know when their parents are unhappy and there is little worse than giving them an unhealthy preview of relationships.
Very well said Orange.:)
Oh Numbnut, Do your wife the decent thing ".love her or leave her".
I am the same age as OP and i can tell you with certainty it will not last you are just a phase in this 19 yr old girls life, your kids need you and you owe it to them to try.
You need to find out more about what your girlfriend requires from her relationship with you, and how serious she is about you. The age difference means she might quickly get bored with you and move on. So ask her what she wants.
Think this is good advice. Does she think you are single, as in never married, or separated / divorced?
Comments
Then you need a clean break from both your wife and girlfriend, move out for a while and clear your head
Grow a pair and end your marriage if it is not working.
You don't get to have it both ways.
I grew up with parents who were unhappy. When they finally split when I was in my early teens, it was the best thing that could have happened: they were both happier and, therefore, I was happier - it didn't matter that they didn't live together. Staying together "for the sake of your children" is not always the best thing: being a good parent means putting your kids first, but that need not mean staying in your marriage - it's how you deal with the split that's important.
And, if it doesn't work out with your gf (which, let's face it, is probably what's going to happen, as she's likely to be raging when she finds out you lied) so be it. You have said you'd been thinking about ending your marriage before you'd met the "bit on the side" (which, I'll reiterate what an earlier poster said, is a rotten way to describe her...) so do the mature thing: end your marriage if you're so sure you can't save it and stay on good terms with your ex-wife to keep your children happy and secure.
Come clean now, tell the 19 yr old about your wife and children, see how she takes it! See if she wants to commit, see if she wants to commit to you being a weekend dad, and maybe getting involved or not - you shouldn't let her see your children for a long time anyway.
If she doesn't want to commit, just wants a boyfriend - then will you keep deceiving your wife?
Tell her - that way you will know.
Do you want to see your kids on the odd Saturday or Sunday, can you handle their confusion and feelings of abandonment and what it will do to them and the way they view relationships and marriage for the rest of their lives?
Do you want to keep 2 homes going? Where will you live? What can you offer the g/f - another family and a drain on your finances keeping 2 families going for the next 20+ years?
I suspect you just want a fling, an affair. Its your wife I feel sorry for.
Its a mess. I dont know how you can enjoy this sort of stuff, and risk everything for a bit of sex.
Take a long hard look at yourself.
If you make as much time and effort with your wife as you are doing seeing and thinking about this new woman your marriage might be the better for it.
However if you leave the marital home - then you are free and single - then take it from there.
Then I'm not sure where you go from here.
Have you tried the nights out together? Leaving the girls with a relative for a sleep over?
Also, you say you are both trying-I wouldn't call spending time with a 19 year old trying to save your marriage.
I think you want the best of both world's, and who wouldn't if they could? but this is going to blow up soon and you will have no control any more.
Yes, we had weekends away all through the Summer and in to the Autumn, The reason was simply to try and recapture what we had before.
I then met my girlfriend, so we had tried on multiple occasions to fix the situation.
Do I want the best of both worlds? No. I just don't know how best to keep my daughters happy. A divorce will affect them, but staying miserable will too.
it's all a question of value.Remember everything in this world has a price. Are you willing to pay the price?
"My wife doesnt understand me"
"we are only together for the sake of the children"
"we are more like brother and sister"
"we don't have sex"
heard is all before...grow up OP
You will not be able to make any decisions until you are completely honest with both your wife and your girlfriend.
Have you considered marriage guidance? Don't dismiss the idea.
Marriages go stale and fail for all sorts of reasons and some are impossible to rekindle however hard both parties try. In these circumstances it helps noone to stick together least of all the kids.
I dont go with your theory that a parents relationship with their children is entirely dependent on the parents having a relationship with each other even if that means faking it.
Children are quite capable of having individual relationships with each parent and happy parents living apart are better than unhappy parents living together. The rot kicks in if they cant maintain a civil relationship with each other after they have split up.
As for you OP you are guilty of deceit you have two relationships both built on lies. You have to view each separately if you are to move forward.
With your wife, you claim the relationship is dead and you have tried to rekindle it and it hasnt worked. If your marriage is dead then end it but keep talking to her throughout, keep it as civil as you can and absorb the blows when she gets angry and strikes out at you for a while. Its a normal part of accepting things so dont retaliate, the phase will soon pass.
You will then be free to continue with your new girlfriend or find a different relationship, allowing your wife to do likewise. She deserves someone who loves her and that isnt you.
As for your girlfriend, you are going to have to tell her the truth. If she decides to continue then stay honest with her from now on, if not, then you are free to find someone else.
Thanks for your opinion!
No one has said anything, however critical, I've not thought myself, but I think your post is very accurate.
One post claims your children are the most important factor in your life, but another makes it clear you aren't prepared to sacrifice your freedom and imagined happiness with the poor girl you're deceiving to keep your children's lives balanced and happy.
Growing up is tough and responsibilities are a pain in the backside at times but if you were enough of an adult to get married and have kids, perhaps you should start acting that way instead of sounding like a whining brat because life isn't as much fun as when you were free and single.
But don't kid yourself your 19 year old is going to want a man of nearly 40 with 2 kids.
Your children must be your priority. Good luck.
Yeah agreed the OP has acted like a toe rag but its what he does now that's important surely.
Are you really asking him to stay with his wife when he has made it clear that the relationship has failed. Who does that help?
I suspect I speak for the silent few in wishing to know his secret for pulling a 19 year old bit of crumpet in his relatively advanced state of decay?
His 'secret' seems to be telling lies.
That said, I don't agree that you have to fight to stay together either. I think this 19 year old has flattered you terribly and made the need to save your marriage less intense as it seems easier to walk away or excuse yourself - are you hoping for someone on DS to condone you?
Sometimes it's not possible to save a marriage without outside help as you keep going around in the same circles, arguing the same points and getting nowhere fast - there's no point going on a weekend away if you're thinking of a pretty girl elsewhere. She's not the solution OP, but you might find that Relate is. Have you thought of going to them, at least you can say you gave it a serious chance and if it doesn't work then perhaps you can agree to split cleanly and amicably.
I've been the 19 year old girl in love with an older man who I didnt' know what married. Sad to say that when I found out he was with a wife I still had an affair for 4 years - don't let that give you hope, the gap is too wide and you are stealing the best years of her life from her and offering her nothing in return if you chose to leave your wife but the hassles of divorce or adultery. If you care about her do you want to give her Christmas, her birthday and special days alone whilst you commit to your children? Seedy assignations in cars? Hardly very glam however it sounds. No matter how grown up I thought I was, the domestic situation, me so young, looking after his children. It's a lovely dream OP but take from it the flattery and no more. For kindness to her if not for yourself, walk away.
If you have made a decision to stay or leave, have the guts to commit to it and make an effort to be honest to either woman whilst clearly thinking of all the consequences to everyone involved - not least yourself.
Your marriage clearly isn't working, and to stay with your wife for sake of the kids isn't fair on anybody.
You clearly haven't been honest with your G/F by not telling her your married.
Tbh I some time on your own is the best thing for you to work out what you really want.
To me, itsounds liek the marriage may have run its course, I may have missedthe bit where you've tried counselling. It is a lot to give up, but as someone whose parents stayed together,for godknows whatreason, it isn't always the right thing to do for the children.
If you do have strong feeling for your new girlfriend, and it does sound like it, then you have no choice but to bite the bullet and tell her the truth. If you don't, it won't be to protect her feelings; you'll be protecting your own, and unfortunately making things worse.
If you tell her, she may stay, she may go, but you have no control over that. If you don't tell her the truth, she WILL eventually find out, and the longer you leave it, the more deceit is piled on deceit, and there is more likelihood she will go anyway.
Not telling the girlfriend the truth is not an option. she WILL wqant to know, even ifshe screams, you will not be protecting her from anything by not telling here.
There is nothing you can do now that will guarantee she'll stay. But your marriage being over should be a separate debate. If that is over, leave. whether you tell your girlfriend before or after or never, you need to sort them both out.
I'm not sure I've helped....
Very well said Orange.:)
Oh Numbnut, Do your wife the decent thing ".love her or leave her".
I am the same age as OP and i can tell you with certainty it will not last you are just a phase in this 19 yr old girls life, your kids need you and you owe it to them to try.
Think this is good advice. Does she think you are single, as in never married, or separated / divorced?
Ha! If you only knew. Once the deed is committed and clarity returns and your're laying with her and logic starts to take over then..............