My ****ing mum again!
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I know I made a thread about her before,but I'm so pissed off with her at the moment.
Basically,yesterday evening my elder brother made a stupid joke comment to my dad about me not doing anything useful,which I didn't take offence to at all because we say things like that to each other all the time. Dad told my mum and she took it in totally the wrong way and went ballistic at Dad,my brother and his girlfriend under the guise of "sticking up for me." Even when I said I didn't mind and that I just thought what he'd said was funny,she just carried on until gone midnight.
Today she was in a bad mood all day, my brother and his girlfriend went back to her house,we don't know if they'll be coming back,and my dad left,just came to pick up some things,said he'd see us tomorrow and drove off. He phoned mum at half seven and basically said he'd only come back if she stopped the rows,and she said she would and there wouldn't be any trouble.
He'd barely been in the house five minutes when she started kicking off again,and from my brother making a stupid comment about me it's now just turned into "Dad's a t**t " like all their other pointless rows. Dad walked out,and I don't blame him,but since she's locked the doors and has been going around telling us how awful he is and how if we let him in he's won and all this utter b******s.
I told her very politely that I didn't want to listen to her slagging Dad off and I wasn't going to side with either of them,but she took that to mean that I was siding with him and kept saying all this crap about him that I don't want to hear,and I ended up screaming back at her to eff off and stop telling me because I didn't want to hear it,and how many times did I have to tell her before she'd listen to me and stop it? and she STILL carried on and started taking the piss out of me for being "taken in" and how my older brother would be proud because I was behaving just like him,ie badly.
She's shut up now thank God,but I'm so bloody annoyed with her. She's always kicking off about nothing and making everyone miserable for hours on end-this started at seven last night and hasn't stopped. She always seems to wait until either a weekend or a holiday,or until my brother and his girlfriend aren't here. We seem to spend all the time they aren't here arguing about what they do when they are here and it's ridiculous. At times like this I almost hate her,and just want her to bloody stop it and leave us all alone.
She acts like Dad's the problem too and that really pisses me off because Dad isn't the one who spends large amounts of time yelling abuse at everyone for no good reason. She even said "I don't like arguing" and it's like,why do you flipping do it so much and for so long then? What's the point? There's never any real reason for it other than every now and then she seems to feel like a good row.At least if it was actually over something worthwhile it wouldn't be so bad.
I don't really know what advice I'm after, I just need a good rant really. Sorry it's so long.
Basically,yesterday evening my elder brother made a stupid joke comment to my dad about me not doing anything useful,which I didn't take offence to at all because we say things like that to each other all the time. Dad told my mum and she took it in totally the wrong way and went ballistic at Dad,my brother and his girlfriend under the guise of "sticking up for me." Even when I said I didn't mind and that I just thought what he'd said was funny,she just carried on until gone midnight.
Today she was in a bad mood all day, my brother and his girlfriend went back to her house,we don't know if they'll be coming back,and my dad left,just came to pick up some things,said he'd see us tomorrow and drove off. He phoned mum at half seven and basically said he'd only come back if she stopped the rows,and she said she would and there wouldn't be any trouble.
He'd barely been in the house five minutes when she started kicking off again,and from my brother making a stupid comment about me it's now just turned into "Dad's a t**t " like all their other pointless rows. Dad walked out,and I don't blame him,but since she's locked the doors and has been going around telling us how awful he is and how if we let him in he's won and all this utter b******s.
I told her very politely that I didn't want to listen to her slagging Dad off and I wasn't going to side with either of them,but she took that to mean that I was siding with him and kept saying all this crap about him that I don't want to hear,and I ended up screaming back at her to eff off and stop telling me because I didn't want to hear it,and how many times did I have to tell her before she'd listen to me and stop it? and she STILL carried on and started taking the piss out of me for being "taken in" and how my older brother would be proud because I was behaving just like him,ie badly.
She's shut up now thank God,but I'm so bloody annoyed with her. She's always kicking off about nothing and making everyone miserable for hours on end-this started at seven last night and hasn't stopped. She always seems to wait until either a weekend or a holiday,or until my brother and his girlfriend aren't here. We seem to spend all the time they aren't here arguing about what they do when they are here and it's ridiculous. At times like this I almost hate her,and just want her to bloody stop it and leave us all alone.
She acts like Dad's the problem too and that really pisses me off because Dad isn't the one who spends large amounts of time yelling abuse at everyone for no good reason. She even said "I don't like arguing" and it's like,why do you flipping do it so much and for so long then? What's the point? There's never any real reason for it other than every now and then she seems to feel like a good row.At least if it was actually over something worthwhile it wouldn't be so bad.
I don't really know what advice I'm after, I just need a good rant really. Sorry it's so long.
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Comments
She has...by upsetting the dad all the time!
Could she be menopausal?
Are your mum and Dad going through a bad patch?
Not to excuse her behaviour, which is pretty poor. But if you had a reason it might be easier to deal with.
Any argument, it takes two. I admire that you held out for a while before arguing - refusing to get involved is the best way. Just refuse to rise to it. Are you old enough to be looking to move out? Might help as you won't be there to listen to her.
My mum was like this for a while. Well, about 30 years:rolleyes: Then she went to the doctor and got put on medication. Vast improvement.
Can you get out of the house for a while? To an aunt or your Gran or even your Dad? This must be murder to live with, but so long as people stay with her, she'll continue like this. Maybe if ou all decamp, she'll have a wake up call - if she doesn't - then you're better off out of there.
That's actually another part of it-when they were both dying (not at the same time) I was with them almost as much as she was and when I wasn't with them or at school I was at home doing the housework to take the load off her when she got back each day. Yet she likes to say she did it all alone and nobody helped at all,which isn't true at all because her sister and my dad did a lot as well as me,and various other relatives were a real help too. And it's not just her that's lost them either-we all have,and we all miss them so much,but we don't take it out on her.
They're not really going through a bad patch,I think my mum just likes to start rows. There is a bit of pressure on us all because my older brother and his girlfriend are planning to live in our shed,which is actually an extra room on the house rather than a wooden job,until they have enough money to get their own place,but they don't really pull their weight,and hog the front room like it's their own bedroom,and his girlfriend is really rude and dismissive of all of us,so none of us really like her being here,and a lot of their rows come from my mum being pissed off with them,but it always turns into the same old "Dad's a t**t" routine.
She doesn't believe in medication for mental or emotional problems so that wouldn't work,sadly. My only living grandparent is in Scotland and the only other family we have near are awful people,so they'd be even worse. Dad hasn't actually got his own place yet,as far as I'm aware he's sleeping in his car tonight,but this happens so often he might not have actually left properly. I really wish I'd applied for a room with uni,but I've accepted a place now,and anyway I'd feel too guilty about leaving my younger brother on his own with this going on.
It might be worthwhile to have some counselling at some point for your own benefit, to try to understand why she is like this but more importantly to work out ways for you to cope with it. I would think that your mother suffered some trauma when she was younger that has made her very insecure. But the key thing, and this is hard, is that whatever the cause of her behaviour, you cannot change her and you cannot make things better for your parents. They either have to confront things as a couple or your mum will have to admit that she has issues she has to sort out. But if she won't and I doubt she will, there is nothing that you can do. You must just get on with your life and not let it stop you from doing things. And you mustn't feel guilty. Equally, I'd try not to blame your mum as she obviously has some needs that aren't being met or were not met. The sooner you accept that this is the way she is (and stop worrying about your dad or about him leaving), you'll get through it all easier. Also, this may seem a little harsh but I think if the whole family tried to ignore her rants, she would rant a bit less and may quietly realise herself that she needs to change her ways. A toddler who's having a tantrum soon stops such attention seeking behaviour when he sees it doesn't work.
Sorry, have not meant to be patronising at all and I'm probably off the mark on some of it but I just want to say, don't waste your young years worrying about your parents. They'll probably still be together, griping at one another when you've got grandchildren!
Typically there is no logic to the rages and once started they take on a life of their own. Throw heavy stresses into the situation and you have a ticking time bomb. Unfortunately it is the partner who bears the brunt as they are the easiest target. The smallest of things become big things and the underlying feeling is one of feeling unloved, no matter how silly it sounds to someone else. Just leaving a sock on the floor can become an issue - if he loves his partner, why would he just leave a sock on the floor for her to have to pick up as well as all the other jobs she has to do. Just one example of how irrational it can be. Ignoring the rants is probably the most harmful thing to do. It will add to the feelings of low self esteem and being unloved.
You and your family need to understand just how devastating these feelings are and to try to work with your mum to deal with them before the situation spirals into a full blown depression. I would suggest she sees her GP but a GP who actually understands the menopause is a miracle find, but I would suggest searching out where your nearest menopause clinic is and if it is close enough, help her push her GP to get her referred there.
That was my first thought too! In my Mum's case we got all of the shouting and screaming and rows but in addition we got plates being thrown and smashed against walls to. My Mother was exactly the same, she used to use any excuse to vent and just at the time when I was doing my A-levels. It was such a relief to escape to University
She's not just menopausal, she's clearly depressed. What she needs is you, your dad and your brother being understanding and actually helping her. What she doesn't need is you coming on to an internet forum bitching about a problem she can do nothing about. Hormonal problems affect different women in different ways. Somehow you need to persuade her to see a doctor - and fast.
Sit down with her, talk to her (really talk, ask how you can help etc., don't just moan about her), let her know that you are there for her, and will do whatever it takes to help. And a gentle word with your dad and brother won't hurt either. It might also be worth you researching some menopause remedies - there are lots of herbal remedies out there that people swear by.
maybe shes fed up of your brother not doing much arund the house he does sound lazy why dont they kick him and the girlfriend out
It's just,they finally stopped arguing this afternoon but that was after almost three days of crap all from her direction,and there's only so much shouting and ranting I can take before my sympathy starts to wear off. I'm sorry if that sounds bitchy but it's true. I would much prefer her to actually say "Look,I'm feeling really miserable and would really like it if you did this or that,it would really make me feel better." rather than yelling at everyone for nothing.
I'm already in counselling at school,mainly because of this situation,but I haven't been able to see her for weeks because there's been a load of emergencies,which is probably why I put this on here.
We can't kick my brother and his girlfriend out,although we would quite like to in all honesty as their attitudes are quite crap, because for the moment, until he gets enough money together they have literally nowhere else to go.
At the moment things are all right,they argued more all morning and finally called a truce in the afternoon,thank God.
Why shouldn't she bitch though? Being menopausal does not excuse her being abusive and nasty to her family, she will end up driving them away if she carries on like this.
My mum has been menopausal for a few years and some days I feel like we all have to walk on eggshells when we have nothing wrong. My brother recently receive a torrent of abuse for telling her to 'calm down' after she ranted and raved about us not appreciating her. This is when we do try and help out we also get our heads bitten off for doing it wrong, so we can't do right really.
It's ok mate, I know how you feel, my mum has also been like this recently, she's been like it for around 2 weeks now..
you feel like your walking on egg shells with her, having to watch every word you say incase she flips out.....
It is a shame she has so little faith in the idea of medical support... I think she genuinely does need some clinical help or support from the doc and I'm not an automatic subscriber to dishing out anti depressants...
She's lost both her parents, she's menopausal, her home has been 'taken over' by another woman and it's all happening on top of itself... She sounds as if she's spiralled into a state in which she can't get a grip on it all and is terribly bereft, upset and angry - rather than actually do anything to address it it's easier to vent it all in the family's direction instead... Ranting at everyone else is easier than looking at what's going on inside herself...
It sounds like the brother and his g/f are getting on everyone's nerves and perhaps you could all get together an shoe horn them into their own space in the house sooner rather than later... Reclaim the space as a family home rather than a couple's love nest...
Can you write your mother a letter... One that tells her how much you love her and want to help her but that she's scaring the living daylights out of you because you worry that your relationship is going down the pan...
Is there a friend she has who might be able to give her a little straight talking? When you are so consumed with your own emotions it sometimes needs someone to give us a hefty, but loving, kick up the butt to make us see what's going on around us and acknowledge we need a little help...
Push your counsellor for an appt as soon as s/he can see you... You need a safety valve yourself...
x
I was in a very similar position to you - at a similar time in my life - although in my case it was me that my mum was taking stuff out on because my dad wasnt around.
Is your mum an only child or does she have siblings? My mum was an only child and she lost her parents six months apart. She was quite spoilt for attention as a child - (overcompensation for my grandfathers misdemeanours + no-one else to focus their attention on in their at times extremely unhappy marriage) and her behaviour throughout her adult life has affected that a lot. Shes been very needy, throwing outrageous tantrums so that people notice that SHE is hurting (never mind anyone else that might be affected) and she is incredibly self-centred.
From what you have told us, I can spot several issues in her life. Its very common behaviour to attack the person you are closest to when you are unhappy - because you think they will just accept it and understand that its because you are unhappy. Unfortunately, more often than not, people are not mind readers and just see the outbursts without recognising that the underlying problem is a cry for help / attention.
Much as your dad is probably doing the right thing in walking away when shes being like that - hes not really acting in your best interests - like you, I have a younger brother and it was that that compelled me to stick around and play mother to him because she clearly couldnt. Your dad is getting out because his presence seems to make her more agitated - but he SHOULD be protecting you two from having to deal with it.
What is actually happening is she is pushing the people she cares about away - which will eventually reinforce her underlying issues about being the only one that matters in this - no-one else will "care" enough to stick around. Your own adult life is about to start, and by the looks of it, you will be forced into maintaining a relationship with her in order to protect your brother (as I did) - and indeed the fact that you are growing up into adulthood may well serve as a reminder to her that shes getting older, isnt quite the desirable young woman she used to be and she will do as much as she can to make your life hard - because she resents you for setting out on a life that she perhaps wishes she had had.
Firstly, stay strong. Secondly, go meet up with your dad, and have a frank and honest discussion about how to go ahead and deal with this. His running away when there is a problem is again reinforcing the fact that shes not important enough in his life for him to be there for her. I understand WHY hes doing that - but it will just keep going in an endless cycle unless you all stand firm against her. It does NEED to be dealt with, its not just going to go away. Your mum needs both reassurance that she is loved and cared about, but needs to hear the message that her behaviour is not acceptable, and that you all love her and want to help - but that you cant while she is so unpredictable.
Sounds to me like shes building up to quite a crisis. Is it possible that you, your dad, and perhaps someone else a little less involved could confront her together? Having the presence of someone not so involved could help a great deal, she will have to modify her behaviour to an acceptable level.
She does need professional help, but she does need the security of her family around her to do that. It may be that she never changes - but unless someone takes control, shes never going to.
I feel for you, I really do, but know that you arent alone, other people have been through similar things, and lived through them to tell the tale. Just remember that this is not about YOU, its about HER. Dont take her behaviour personally - because its not, its just the actions of an out of control woman who is clearly very emotionally unhappy, taking it out on those around her that she probably actually really loves - shes just incapable of showing it at the moment.
She has actually told my dad before,in a calmer moment,that when she's angry with other people she takes it out on him/us because we're there and the person she's actually angry with isn't.
She actually seems OK at the moment and Dad's been back since the early hours of yesterday, and everything seems back to normal,but my brother and his girlfriend are coming back later on so it may all kick off again. I've since found out from Dad that part of the original reason for the row was that my brother's girlfriend said she was fascinated by me,because we're so different and have such different lives, which if anything is quite flattering but my mum found it really offensive for some reason.
I do understand that it's because she's unhappy and menopausal and all that, I really do, so I'm trying not to be hard on her. I wish she'd consider counselling herself because I honestly think talking to someone impartial and being able to let off steam about things without actually hurting anyone close to her would really help her,and in turn would improve the general atmosphere of our house.
I've also suggested to my dad that he and mum draw up a housework rota for us kids which we would all stick to as a household,as hopefully that will make Mum feel less pressured or stressed as there'll be less that she feels she has to do.
responds to your questions with "WHAT?" and barely even acknowleging you, is a huge giveaway.
What alarms me is that I know my mother had a temper even before menopause....and I am sooo like her in a lot of ways...but I have learned over the years through observation of my mothers temper to deal with it and try to put a lid on my own temper. I hope I don't become difficult to live with as I get older. I am going to be getting married in the next year:o
While I don't have any advice OP I can sympathise.
My dad's on the verge of taking her to the doctors himself and forcing her to talk to someone. Problem is, telling her what she's being like just makes her flip again and she doesn't see it, no matter how many people tell her.
I'm glad to be away at uni, but I feel sorry for my dad and brother who are with her all the time.