Have you been through the break-up of a marriage?

[Deleted User] · 21/07/13 - 14:22

Mine has been on rocky ground for a while and we finally had "the talk" last night about whether we should end it. I can't see a way forward, I know I can't live the rest of my life like this but I don't know what we can change to make it good again.

Rather than specific advice, I was looking for people to talk to. None of my friends have been through this and I really want to talk to someone who has.

If anyone is up for that, could you PM me?

TheMask · 21/07/13 - 14:44

I know your not looking for advice but you say you dont know how to change things.

You need to look at how it use to be

What attracted you both in the first place

What did you use to do together

Did you do things seperatly and no longer do

Have any pressures outside your relasionship increased

These are the simple things as in a starting point.

I went through hell with my relasionship. So We/I started looking at the basic mistakes we were making. I soon came to realise it was me that was 90% at fault but might add No blame was put on to me.

another question I asked myself and I found the most important was...do I really want this to work...thats the question you need to be the most honest with to yourelf

Pull2Open · 21/07/13 - 15:04

I've been through two and they are not very pleasant! My second was particularly nasty because my ex wife was a poisonous person (hence the reason for divorce). They can really take it out of you so you need to be absolutely sure that it is the only option.

Have you had counselling?

Compton_scatter · 21/07/13 - 15:08

Is there anyone else involved OP? I know from experience that (in my case) another woman who I couldn't stop thinking of affected my relationship.

venusinflares · 21/07/13 - 16:12

I've been through one and while I knew it was for the best that it ended and that we were better off without each other, I was still inconsolable at first. This lasted a couple of weeks and then I was hit by a wave of relief. The thing I found the hardest was the fact I was going to lose my home (I couldn't afford to buy him out) and would have to move out of the area in which I'd lived all my life. It was fear of the unknown really.

It all worked out though and I've since got married again to someone who makes me ridiculously happy and the first marriage often feels like something never actually happened, it's so far removed from life now.

Compton_scatter · 21/07/13 - 16:19

venusinflares wrote: »

I've been through one and while I knew it was for the best that it ended and that we were better off without each other, I was still inconsolable at first. This lasted a couple of weeks and then I was hit by a wave of relief. The thing I found the hardest was the fact I was going to lose my home (I couldn't afford to buy him out) and would have to move out of the area in which I'd lived all my life. It was fear of the unknown really.

It all worked out though and I've since got married again to someone who makes me ridiculously happy and the first marriage often feels like something never actually happened, it's so far removed from life now.

I can imagine this is the hardest part but it took being brave on your part to find true happiness, it's definite food for thought but glad you're happy!

Baz O · 21/07/13 - 17:09

A few friends of mine have split up and some have remained friends because of the children. It can become nasty if someone has cheated on their partner because the wife/husband can feel like getting revenge. I hope I never have to experience it.

[Deleted User] · 21/07/13 - 17:34

I have sent you a PM

[Deleted User] · 21/07/13 - 18:35

Thanks all, and for the PMs I've received. It's so lovely that people will give their time to a stranger

Just to clarify there is nobody else involved, neither of us have been unfaithful. It's mostly that we've grown apart since we got married, going in different directions and losing things in common. Thankfully we have no children so it's just a case of us figuring out if we can learn to live together with our differences or if we will be happier apart.

bornfree · 21/07/13 - 19:47

venusinflares wrote: »

I've been through one and while I knew it was for the best that it ended and that we were better off without each other, I was still inconsolable at first. This lasted a couple of weeks and then I was hit by a wave of relief. The thing I found the hardest was the fact I was going to lose my home (I couldn't afford to buy him out) and would have to move out of the area in which I'd lived all my life. It was fear of the unknown really.

It all worked out though and I've since got married again to someone who makes me ridiculously happy and the first marriage often feels like something never actually happened, it's so far removed from life now.

Sometimes it is better to cut your loses and move on. I did and it was the best thing I ever did.:)

venusinflares · 21/07/13 - 22:09

bornfree wrote: »

Sometimes it is better to cut your loses and move on. I did and it was the best thing I ever did.:)

Yes, it was the best thing I ever did too. I can't say it was the easiest thing I ever did but it was certainly the best

[Deleted User] · 21/07/13 - 22:21

I have been through one they are not easy but if its your only option then it will be for the best for both of you

[Deleted User] · 21/07/13 - 22:25

TheMask wrote: »

thats the question you need to be the most honest with to yourelf

This. A hundred times over.

It's the hardest thing, but you may have to give yourself a very hard facing of the truth.

That is the only way either back in or out of your marriage.

shmisk · 22/07/13 - 02:21

JumpTheShark wrote: »

Thanks all, and for the PMs I've received. It's so lovely that people will give their time to a stranger

Just to clarify there is nobody else involved, neither of us have been unfaithful. It's mostly that we've grown apart since we got married, going in different directions and losing things in common. Thankfully we have no children so it's just a case of us figuring out if we can learn to live together with our differences or if we will be happier apart.

have you thought about relate or similar?
when me and my ex were splitting up we sat down and both wrote our goals down for the next five years - they were totally different!
we have a child but sorted out the splitting up between us, sorted out the finances (equal division 50/50) and custody and only hired one lawyer to divorce us (I had the lawyerm, so I sued for divorce, but we paid half each, it was about a grand in total), and we are still amicable to this day. Not easy when emotions are high but can be done
good luck

Hey there!

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Have you been through the break-up of a marriage?

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