Contacting my sons father.

2shy20072shy2007 Posts: 52,577
Forum Member
I will try and keep it as brief as possible.
20 years ago I was seeing a lad and fell pregnant, we had only seen each other a handful of times and were not in a relationship.

Anyway I got pregnant by him and had no way of contacting him, but we had a mutual( female) friend who was rather jealous of us seeing each other. Anyway I told her I was pregnant and she said she would tell him, she came back to me a few days later and said she had told him but his answer was 'well thats her problem'

I had no way to tell whether she was telling the truth or not and left it at that, I never saw him again as I became ill with morning sickness really quick and spent weeks in hospital and then resting at home.

I had the child in '94, and he became vaccine damaged at around 4 months old, and is now a severely disabled adult although he has achieved so much in his life and I am very proud of him, he is about to go to college later in the year.

Anyway, he has recently been asking about his father, once he turned 18 he became more intrigued. I told him his name and that we were both young and we were not destined to be together, but he would like to see a picture at least, or something so that he knows where he came from.

Well I think I may have found this man on Facebook, 20 years is a long time and I am not 100% it is him but I am pretty sure. My dilemma is, do I send him a message just to ask if he was living in the town where I lived 20 years ago? if it is him what then?? do I tell him or just show the picture of him to my son??

I have always wanted my son to know him, but I still have the line my friend told me in my head' thats her problem'

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Comments

  • CroctacusCroctacus Posts: 18,218
    Forum Member
    ✭✭
    I'd send him a message to see if it is and take it from there. Explain you don't want anything from him and that his son is asking questions which you'd like to be able to answer.

    You may be pleasantly surprised you never know. Lots of people are completely different to their young and selfish selves once they've grown up a bit.
  • 2shy20072shy2007 Posts: 52,577
    Forum Member
    Yes I think I need to find out that it is actually him first with a quick message. As I am not completely sure that he even knows our son exists, if I did tell him it would be difficult for me to word it I think.

    I will message him now to see if its him.
  • 2shy20072shy2007 Posts: 52,577
    Forum Member
    Well I sent a message , we shall see!
  • EmmersonneEmmersonne Posts: 4,532
    Forum Member
    ✭✭✭
    2shy2007 wrote: »
    Well I sent a message , we shall see!

    Let us know how you get on, crossing my fingers for you :)
  • 2shy20072shy2007 Posts: 52,577
    Forum Member
    Nothing as yet but I will report back if and when I get a reply. Scary!
  • miss-kittymiss-kitty Posts: 1,518
    Forum Member
    ✭✭✭
    I have nothing to add really, as you have already done as I would have suggested. I just wanted to say good luck and I hope all goes well for your son x
  • Tt88Tt88 Posts: 6,827
    Forum Member
    I think you will already be aware, but if the mutual friend was jealous there could be a chance she never told him. So he might be getting a message out of the blue about a child he nevernknew existed.

    Also twenty years is a long time. Did you have a little snout around on his profile first? Check to see if hes married etc or has children? I know you and your son are in the right for wanting to know but if hes married with kids and didnt know, it may be a lot for him to handle.

    Good luck and i hope at the least your son gets the answers he needs.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 703
    Forum Member
    ✭✭
    Good luck 2 shy.
  • MartinPickeringMartinPickering Posts: 3,711
    Forum Member
    ✭✭✭
    His wife will be chuffed to read your post. My wife is forever looking over MY shoulder! ;)
  • nittynattynoonittynattynoo Posts: 891
    Forum Member
    ✭✭
    Wishing you lots of luck and hope this has a happy ending
  • 2shy20072shy2007 Posts: 52,577
    Forum Member
    I had a look at his profile and he is divorced, has been for a couple of years, if he had been married I would never have sent the message asking if he lived in my hometown 20 years ago. He had a toddler when I knew him but was not with the mother.
    It has always been in the back of my mind about the mutual friend and was he really told the news
  • Butterfly8588Butterfly8588 Posts: 701
    Forum Member
    ✭✭
    Hi 2shy,
    Just read you're post, any news yet? I really wish you well xxx
  • 2shy20072shy2007 Posts: 52,577
    Forum Member
    I am in the middle of a conversation with him as I type, this is hard work! I shall let you know later how it went.
  • cahcah Posts: 24,689
    Forum Member
    ✭✭✭
    Ooh good luck 2shy ,hope everything goes well for you and your Son ,and if it is him you can give your son some answers to his questions.

    Hugs at what must be a nerve racking time xx
  • 2shy20072shy2007 Posts: 52,577
    Forum Member
    Well did it, he didnt remember me at all which was a bit of an ego destroyer! told him but he wasnt overshocked, doesnt want a relationship with him, but then again it wasnt really about that , I just wanted to be able to tell my son who his father is and show a picture.

    It was really hard for me to do but he didnt seem that bothered, oh well its all done now, I can show my son his picture now:)

    PS it looks like the friend didnt tell him about it, so he really was none the wiser.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 8,145
    Forum Member
    2shy2007 wrote: »
    Well did it, he didnt remember me at all which was a bit of an ego destroyer! told him but he wasnt overshocked, doesnt want a relationship with him, but then again it wasnt really about that , I just wanted to be able to tell my son who his father is and show a picture.

    It was really hard for me to do but he didnt seem that bothered, oh well its all done now, I can show my son his picture now:)

    PS it looks like the friend didnt tell him about it, so he really was none the wiser.

    Hs probably in shock, from your earlier posts I'd presumed he knew there was a baby....so he's probably having kittens right about now! It may just be a knee jerk reaction and he may come back in a while and say he does want to meet your son, or he might disappear again. But at least you can tell your son you tried hard, that's all we single parents can do!

    Glad it wasn't too painful, I'm sure he did remember you, but was playing it cool ;) don't forget you've had a reason to remember him all these years, he's not had a constant reminder if you.

    Just a thought.....it was the right guy wasn't it, not just someone with the same name!? :D
  • 2shy20072shy2007 Posts: 52,577
    Forum Member
    bazaar1 wrote: »
    Hs probably in shock, from your earlier posts I'd presumed he knew there was a baby....so he's probably having kittens right about now! It may just be a knee jerk reaction and he may come back in a while and say he does want to meet your son, or he might disappear again. But at least you can tell your son you tried hard, that's all we single parents can do!

    Glad it wasn't too painful, I'm sure he did remember you, but was playing it cool ;) don't forget you've had a reason to remember him all these years, he's not had a constant reminder if you.

    Just a thought.....it was the right guy wasn't it, not just someone with the same name!? :D

    Yes I made doubly and trebly sure, kept asking him certain things like did he live in certain streets in certain towns. he really had no idea who I was , but then again he was a ladies man and admitted to sleeping with around a hundred women since then! he made it clear he didnt want to see him, but did want a picture. I am still sweating, hardest thing I have had to do in years! I am just glad he didnt have a go at me ,lol it must have been a shock even though he played it cool.
  • CroctacusCroctacus Posts: 18,218
    Forum Member
    ✭✭
    At least you know now which must be a huge relief.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 8,145
    Forum Member
    2shy2007 wrote: »
    Yes I made doubly and trebly sure, kept asking him certain things like did he live in certain streets in certain towns. he really had no idea who I was , but then again he was a ladies man and admitted to sleeping with around a hundred women since then! he made it clear he didnt want to see him, but did want a picture. I am still sweating, hardest thing I have had to do in years! I am just glad he didnt have a go at me ,lol it must have been a shock even though he played it cool.

    Sounds like he was probably expecting this from somewhere then, sleeping with that many women!

    Well done for doing it! I can imagine how hard it was, have you spoken to your son yet?
  • miss-kittymiss-kitty Posts: 1,518
    Forum Member
    ✭✭✭
    At least now you know.
    What a shame he doesn't want a relationship with your/his son, but the fact he wants a picture seems like he is not totally decided on that.
    As Bazaar1 said, he may contact you again with a change of heart.

    At least you did the right thing and got in contact.
  • Butterfly8588Butterfly8588 Posts: 701
    Forum Member
    ✭✭
    Aww well done 2shy, i think your very brave for doing that! As others have said he may come round after some time to think, he may not want any pressure to see him so is saying no for now while he thinks.
    Take Care and well done xx
  • 2shy20072shy2007 Posts: 52,577
    Forum Member
    Thanks all , I told my son earlier that I have a picture for when he is ready to have a look , he will do it in his own time I think.
    Phew, what an evening !
  • karapote monkeykarapote monkey Posts: 3,688
    Forum Member
    ✭✭✭
    I went through the same thing when my girl was eleven. I warned him that she was going to contact him but he ignored me and her when she wrote a few days later. At least your child's father was interested enough to ask for a picture which is a good sign that maybe if your son got intouch in the future he may reply back.
Sign In or Register to comment.