Pop star Peter Andre's cafe not a hit in hygiene ratings

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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 2,114
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    lexi22 wrote: »
    My Life: Reviewage of the Spewage* (Thanks to Nota Typo for the *poetry.)

    Andrew: Just to get this out of the way: He featured in the show but thankfully not in the way last week's trailer suggested, just towards the end of the show where he talked to camera about his treatment and what therapy is going to be needed. And that therapy, he hopes, has a good chance of reducing and containing the cancer. And I hope so and wish him the very best but that's it. No more on Andrew himself. He will only be mentioned from now on in the context of how Pete is using him for pity and sympathy and to make himself look good.

    *****************************************

    A right old dog's (poundshop) dinner of a show this week filled with contrived and even more obvious than usual padding (including best friend Katona and her bf round for dinner, a lawnmover man hired to mow a lawn Pete was too lazy/incompetant to do himself but included because Lawnmover Man was 'awed' to meet the 'real Peter Andre', and the now token 'comedy routine' to camera. This week's 'comedy routine' involved a lost key to a mailbox (Pete's incompetance) and, of all things, a letter from Dr Ru outlining Andrew's cancer treatment, which Pete incompetantly failed to find. But never mind that, what fun we had watching Pete attack the mailbox with a big stick. What we learned is that 1. Pete is useless, careless and incompetant; and 2. someone at CAN has staggeringly poor judgement to use a search for an urgent letter from a hospital about someone's cancer treatment to create a 'comedy routine'. My Low Life.

    The 'Highlights':

    TRIC awards: In the car on the way there, Pete's wearing a pair of brown shades which he thinks make him look really cool. I can't emphasise enough how misguided he is here. And CP and I seem to be in agreement: she asks him why is he wearing them, tells him to remove them. He protests, says they're carefully chosen to match his brown leather jacket (not to mention his brown leather face.) He rings up a 'stylist friend' for an opinion, who of course assures him that they and he are the very essence of coolness, and of course he should leave them on. Claire says nothing but her eyes say a lot of things, and cool is definitely not one of them. I think Pete's 'Peteyness' is wearing thin, even on the person responsible for Pete's 'Peteyness'.

    Narrator: Pete gets mobbed by adoring fans. (For accuracy, he does not.)

    Pete wins his award, talks afterwards to the waiting journalists about himself and his sad burden. CP trots out the 'Pete is finding it very hard to be happy - even after winning such an award' line but he didn't seem to be having much trouble from what I could see, what with him practically rolling around on the carpet with delight at himself and his award and the power of his own loveliness. But then, he's a professional and was probably crying inside. For a change.

    Laugh of the night:
    Narrator: Pete's been keeping a very low profile since the news of Andrew's illness.
    PA: I went undergound, mate.
    (For accuracy, no you didn't, mate.)

    .................................................

    Drew the fitness instructor: Puts Pete though his paces so he'll be all buff for his upcoming 'I've Still Got It' Calendar shoot. Some 'sissling' footage of him from a decade-old calendar shoot ( I thought of you, Momma) but Pete's worried that he's a bit fat and that his current abs may not be able to compete with the 'Hot Pete' abs of 2000. But worry not, Pete fans:

    Drew: We're going to work him hard and keep him covered up for 3 weeks and then reveal him. Ooh er. A Revealage.

    .................................................

    Junior at martial arts class: Very cute, wins his orange belt. DOTY very proud. So proud he has to show off his own martial arts skills and steal Junior's spotlight. What a DOTY. In the car on the way home, they sing Michael Jackson songs together. Well, Junior sings to the backdrop of Pete's 'testicles trapped in zip' wailing. Junior, frank and to the point, tells Pete Michael Jackson is much better than Pete. Harsh but fair. Junior should really be his manager.

    .................................................

    Amy's fashion show:

    Narrator: The celeb are out in force. Camera pans to Amy Childs and Kerry Katona on the red carpet. Red hot red carpet.

    The Date that wasn't: Pete with Polly Someone (dunno and I'm not googling.) Narrator says Pete is very much in demand. Gemma says women are putty in Pete's hands - "He just needs to crack a cheesy joke and women fall at his feet." Pete arranges a date with Polly and skips off down the catwalk leaving the not so blessed to gaze after him and sigh. Some days later, Pezza in his Fezza tells us he rang Polly but Polly said no (nezza?). Maybe Pezza needs to rethink that putty & chezza combo of his...

    Note to CAN: False advertising: Pete did not have a date. What Pete had was a knockback. And no amount of Pezza peddling self-serving excuses in his Fezza can change that.

    .................................................

    The Music: In a studio: Pete's planning a Christmas song! He plays some pre-recorded stuff and while 'it's not yet fully formed', Pete tells us he hears it all in his head, and sings along. We must all pray together that what he's hearing in his head will bear no resemblance to what came out of his mouth. "It may sound a bit of a mess", he conceded, "but think of it, guys, with like, choirs and little kids voices..." You've been warned. He's very pleased and proud that his vocal range has come back. There were two other people in the studio and I'm sure I saw one of them make a face at this. A stunned, cross-eyed, disbelieving face. But I concede that may just have been me...
    .................................................

    Next time: According to the Narrator, Pete is really really reluctant to travel to Dubai for his 'I've Still Got It' calendar shoot. 'Andrew' persuades him and ultimately insists that Pete goes - it's his duty, he owes it to himself, his country and the waiting world. Pete puts on his 'torn between two lovers' face... while reaching slyly for his cool brown shades, his fakebake and his bag of thongs, already on that beach dreaming of the great revealage.


    Lexi, yet again, another masterpiece and so funny.
  • Daisy BennybootsDaisy Bennyboots Posts: 18,375
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    Miss N wrote: »
    I would imagine CAN/Pete trawl this thread daily and took into account all the criticism about him using Andrew and so now they've decided to quickly edit each episode :rolleyes:

    Pete has a new programme for Lexi to review in the future:

    http://www.itv.com/presscentre/pressreleases/programmepressreleases/peterandresbadboyfriendclub/default.html

    I thought I would give you all something else to criticise other than his coffee shop!

    So..you think they are unawares/not fazed regarding the avalanche of criticism levelled at Peter in the last fortnight for the way he's broadcasting his brother's illness?. DS is the tip of the iceberg and voices much louder than ours are furrowing brows and shaking heads. They may well have listened to widespread feedback/tv reviewer for all we know - it is the norm to do so.
  • cazzzcazzz Posts: 12,218
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    Lexi - loved your review, I felt as if I was actually watching it...but all the better just for reading it instead.

    I dont expect Ian Hyland will bother reviewing the PA show again, yours cannot be bettered:cool:
  • Miss NMiss N Posts: 2,639
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    So..you think they are unawares/not fazed regarding the avalanche of criticism levelled at Peter in the last fortnight for the way he's broadcasting his brother's illness?. DS is the tip of the iceberg and voices much louder than ours are furrowing brows and shaking heads. They may well have listened to widespread feedback/tv reviewer for all we know - it is the norm to do so.

    Thanks for the laugh!! :D
  • DiamondDollDiamondDoll Posts: 21,460
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    Miss N wrote: »
    Thanks for the laugh!! :D

    What was funny?:confused:
  • Miss NMiss N Posts: 2,639
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    What was funny?:confused:

    The part I highlighted. DS being the tip of the iceberg hahahahahaha!!!
  • DiamondDollDiamondDoll Posts: 21,460
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    Miss N wrote: »
    The part I highlighted. DS being the tip of the iceberg hahahahahaha!!!

    OK.:)
  • momma11momma11 Posts: 3,843
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    Thanks lexi , a calender....I can`t wait :p:D
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 4,020
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    Miss N wrote: »
    I would imagine CAN/Pete trawl this thread daily and took into account all the criticism about him using Andrew and so now they've decided to quickly edit each episode :rolleyes:

    Pete has a new programme for Lexi to review in the future:

    http://www.itv.com/presscentre/pressreleases/programmepressreleases/peterandresbadboyfriendclub/default.html

    I thought I would give you all something else to criticise other than his coffee shop!

    LOL Bad Boyfriend Club. Not surprised he is the president of that. ( for those who take things literal I realise there is no president) Will he be showing them how to hide their girlfriends in the back of a van and pole vault over a fence. I suppose he has had his fair share of girlfriends but none seem to stick around not sure he has the right formula. But as per usual Claire is there to help. Bless!
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 4,020
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    momma11 wrote: »
    Thanks lexi , a calender....I can`t wait :p:D

    Worried for your colleagues or family momma. Hope its hung up somewhere useful like above the fire to keep the kids away.:p
  • Miss NMiss N Posts: 2,639
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    goldiloks wrote: »
    LOL Bad Boyfriend Club. Not surprised he is the president of that. ( for those who take things literal I realise there is no president) Will he be showing them how to hide their girlfriends in the back of a van and pole vault over a fence. I suppose he has had his fair share of girlfriends but none seem to stick around not sure he has the right formula. But as per usual Claire is there to help. Bless!

    I did laugh at his new prog - whatever next?!! I actually think Mark Wright from TOWIE would have been a better choice though!
  • lozengerlozenger Posts: 4,881
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    cazzz wrote: »
    Lexi - loved your review, I felt as if I was actually watching it...but all the better just for reading it instead.

    I dont expect Ian Hyland will bother reviewing the PA show again, yours cannot be bettered:cool:

    I agree with cazzz - brilliant review lexi - very funny although I feel a bit sorry for you having to sit through it.

    Would you like to wear an Ian Hyland mask and type reviews in my cellar - my new husband refuses to do it - even tho he has just vowed to be my BFF and to Respect and Support me..

    (Although in fact - at our wedding, he got his words mixed up and actually said I will suspect and report you :D)
  • Betty BritainBetty Britain Posts: 13,721
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    Lexi .. Your Reviewedge is a master piece and I enjoyed it all..
  • NotaTypoNotaTypo Posts: 4,253
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    Miss N wrote: »
    I did laugh at his new prog - whatever next?!! I actually think Mark Wright from TOWIE would have been a better choice though!
    With Claire Powell making it? Highly unlikely she'd make a programme with a non client... or maybe that should be highly unlikely that a non CAN client would film with her (or want to, for that matter!).

    No, that pile of shite programme idea has the Perfect host in Peter Andre.
  • momma11momma11 Posts: 3,843
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    goldiloks wrote: »
    Worried for your colleagues or family momma. Hope its hung up somewhere useful like above the fire to keep the kids away.:p

    :D
    seriously though , I won`t be buying it , I don`t mind looking at it ,but I don`t buy celeb. products .
    I like him but I`m not besotted :p
  • millymilly Posts: 5,871
    Forum Member
    momma11 wrote: »
    Thanks lexi , a calender....I can`t wait :p:D
    Those abs,men half his age would die for a body like his lol..
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 2,232
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    lexi22 wrote: »
    My Life: Reviewage of the Spewage* (Thanks to Nota Typo for the *poetry.)

    Andrew: Just to get this out of the way: He featured in the show but thankfully not in the way last week's trailer suggested, just towards the end of the show where he talked to camera about his treatment and what therapy is going to be needed. And that therapy, he hopes, has a good chance of reducing and containing the cancer. And I hope so and wish him the very best but that's it. No more on Andrew himself. He will only be mentioned from now on in the context of how Pete is using him for pity and sympathy and to make himself look good.

    *****************************************

    A right old dog's (poundshop) dinner of a show this week filled with contrived and even more obvious than usual padding (including best friend Katona and her bf round for dinner, a lawnmover man hired to mow a lawn Pete was too lazy/incompetant to do himself but included because Lawnmover Man was 'awed' to meet the 'real Peter Andre', and the now token 'comedy routine' to camera. This week's 'comedy routine' involved a lost key to a mailbox (Pete's incompetance) and, of all things, a letter from Dr Ru outlining Andrew's cancer treatment, which Pete incompetantly failed to find. But never mind that, what fun we had watching Pete attack the mailbox with a big stick. What we learned is that 1. Pete is useless, careless and incompetant; and 2. someone at CAN has staggeringly poor judgement to use a search for an urgent letter from a hospital about someone's cancer treatment to create a 'comedy routine'. My Low Life.

    The 'Highlights':

    TRIC awards: In the car on the way there, Pete's wearing a pair of brown shades which he thinks make him look really cool. I can't emphasise enough how misguided he is here. And CP and I seem to be in agreement: she asks him why is he wearing them, tells him to remove them. He protests, says they're carefully chosen to match his brown leather jacket (not to mention his brown leather face.) He rings up a 'stylist friend' for an opinion, who of course assures him that they and he are the very essence of coolness, and of course he should leave them on. Claire says nothing but her eyes say a lot of things, and cool is definitely not one of them. I think Pete's 'Peteyness' is wearing thin, even on the person responsible for Pete's 'Peteyness'.

    Narrator: Pete gets mobbed by adoring fans. (For accuracy, he does not.)

    Pete wins his award, talks afterwards to the waiting journalists about himself and his sad burden. CP trots out the 'Pete is finding it very hard to be happy - even after winning such an award' line but he didn't seem to be having much trouble from what I could see, what with him practically rolling around on the carpet with delight at himself and his award and the power of his own loveliness. But then, he's a professional and was probably crying inside. For a change.

    Laugh of the night:
    Narrator: Pete's been keeping a very low profile since the news of Andrew's illness.
    PA: I went undergound, mate.
    (For accuracy, no you didn't, mate.)

    .................................................

    Drew the fitness instructor: Puts Pete though his paces so he'll be all buff for his upcoming 'I've Still Got It' Calendar shoot. Some 'sissling' footage of him from a decade-old calendar shoot ( I thought of you, Momma) but Pete's worried that he's a bit fat and that his current abs may not be able to compete with the 'Hot Pete' abs of 2000. But worry not, Pete fans:

    Drew: We're going to work him hard and keep him covered up for 3 weeks and then reveal him. Ooh er. A Revealage.

    .................................................

    Junior at martial arts class: Very cute, wins his orange belt. DOTY very proud. So proud he has to show off his own martial arts skills and steal Junior's spotlight. What a DOTY. In the car on the way home, they sing Michael Jackson songs together. Well, Junior sings to the backdrop of Pete's 'testicles trapped in zip' wailing. Junior, frank and to the point, tells Pete Michael Jackson is much better than Pete. Harsh but fair. Junior should really be his manager.

    .................................................

    Amy's fashion show:

    Narrator: The celeb are out in force. Camera pans to Amy Childs and Kerry Katona on the red carpet. Red hot red carpet.

    The Date that wasn't: Pete with Polly Someone (dunno and I'm not googling.) Narrator says Pete is very much in demand. Gemma says women are putty in Pete's hands - "He just needs to crack a cheesy joke and women fall at his feet." Pete arranges a date with Polly and skips off down the catwalk leaving the not so blessed to gaze after him and sigh. Some days later, Pezza in his Fezza tells us he rang Polly but Polly said no (nezza?). Maybe Pezza needs to rethink that putty & chezza combo of his...

    Note to CAN: False advertising: Pete did not have a date. What Pete had was a knockback. And no amount of Pezza peddling self-serving excuses in his Fezza can change that.

    .................................................

    The Music: In a studio: Pete's planning a Christmas song! He plays some pre-recorded stuff and while 'it's not yet fully formed', Pete tells us he hears it all in his head, and sings along. We must all pray together that what he's hearing in his head will bear no resemblance to what came out of his mouth. "It may sound a bit of a mess", he conceded, "but think of it, guys, with like, choirs and little kids voices..." You've been warned. He's very pleased and proud that his vocal range has come back. There were two other people in the studio and I'm sure I saw one of them make a face at this. A stunned, cross-eyed, disbelieving face. But I concede that may just have been me...
    .................................................

    Next time: According to the Narrator, Pete is really really reluctant to travel to Dubai for his 'I've Still Got It' calendar shoot. 'Andrew' persuades him and ultimately insists that Pete goes - it's his duty, he owes it to himself, his country and the waiting world. Pete puts on his 'torn between two lovers' face... while reaching slyly for his cool brown shades, his fakebake and his bag of thongs, already on that beach dreaming of the great revealage.

    OMG - you're such a hero to actually sit through the entire tripe!
  • GoatyGoaty Posts: 7,776
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    milly wrote: »
    Those abs,men half his age would die for a body like his lol..

    No, we not. :D
  • Miss NMiss N Posts: 2,639
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    NotaTypo wrote: »
    With Claire Powell making it? Highly unlikely she'd make a programme with a non client... or maybe that should be highly unlikely that a non CAN client would film with her (or want to, for that matter!).

    No, that pile of shite programme idea has the Perfect host in Peter Andre.

    So has Claire taken over Nev's role and is she now making the tv programmes?

    I didn't know that. She's multi talented and a great businesswoman. She reminds me of someone ;)
  • Miss NMiss N Posts: 2,639
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    Goaty wrote: »
    No, we not. :D

    Are you a man? I always assumed you were a woman! (Please don't take offence).
  • greenhill20greenhill20 Posts: 97
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    oh yuck! how did he expect to make it work? just because he likes coffee?
  • changachanga Posts: 11,421
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    Absolutely massive drop in PAs ratings:


    Peter Andre: My Life 390k (1.6%) +1 249k (1.4%)

    (from the Ratings thread)
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,881
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    ✭✭✭
    So..you think they are unawares/not fazed regarding the avalanche of criticism levelled at Peter in the last fortnight for the way he's broadcasting his brother's illness?. DS is the tip of the iceberg and voices much louder than ours are furrowing brows and shaking heads. They may well have listened to widespread feedback/tv reviewer for all we know - it is the norm to do so.

    I totally agree that this is exactly what they do, and the reason why AA appearance in this weeks show was cut down, PA is no more than a people pleaser product, who does his market research on what his customers/fans want/think, so its no surprise that now his main attraction has been deemed uncomfortable to view by a hard nosed critic that his viewing figures have dropped from a great height, and what were left with is a forty year old man talking about his brown sun glasses in the back of a car :rolleyes:
  • hunniebunhunniebun Posts: 1,077
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    changa wrote: »
    Absolutely massive drop in PAs ratings:


    Peter Andre: My Life 390k (1.6%) +1 249k (1.4%)

    (from the Ratings thread)

    crikey - thats a huge drop - down by 2/3rds
  • lexi22lexi22 Posts: 16,394
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    changa wrote: »
    Absolutely massive drop in PAs ratings:

    Peter Andre: My Life 390k (1.6%) +1 249k (1.4%)

    (from the Ratings thread)

    Honestly, I'm surprised it's even getting those figures. It is the most grievously empty filler of space. Even from a parody perspective, this week's ep was a mindless zelebration of utter vacuousness.
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