A woman at work is treating me like I'm her counsellor!
There's this woman at work who's been there a couple of years now and in that time she's had two long term sickness absences and she's often also off for a week or so at a time. She's in a department near me but we have a shared staff base and she's hardly ever really spoken to me apart from the odd hello.
Anyway, she's managed to disgruntle loads of people in her department, putting complaints in left, right and centre about people and since then she's sort of latched on to me. She doesn't go in the staff base much anymore but she's started to come to my work area at breaks and lunchtimes (sometimes I work through so I can get off early) to off-load all her problems and I know this might sound mean of me, but I don't really want her hanging around me.
She's getting worse and worse like she's looking for me especially every day. Now she tells me she's facing a diciplinary for being aggressive to members of her department and then she was saying she wasn't very well, it's all getting to her etc and she was nearly crying. She's been doing this for a couple of weeks but is getting more intense almost as if she needs to see me to make her feel better. All I've done is listened and tried to give some constructive advice like I would with anyone who came to me about anything but I'm wishing I hadn't now because I'm sure she thinks we have some special friendship.
I really don't know what to do! Help!
Anyway, she's managed to disgruntle loads of people in her department, putting complaints in left, right and centre about people and since then she's sort of latched on to me. She doesn't go in the staff base much anymore but she's started to come to my work area at breaks and lunchtimes (sometimes I work through so I can get off early) to off-load all her problems and I know this might sound mean of me, but I don't really want her hanging around me.
She's getting worse and worse like she's looking for me especially every day. Now she tells me she's facing a diciplinary for being aggressive to members of her department and then she was saying she wasn't very well, it's all getting to her etc and she was nearly crying. She's been doing this for a couple of weeks but is getting more intense almost as if she needs to see me to make her feel better. All I've done is listened and tried to give some constructive advice like I would with anyone who came to me about anything but I'm wishing I hadn't now because I'm sure she thinks we have some special friendship.
I really don't know what to do! Help!
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Alternately invite someone who is on the other side of the dispute to have lunch with you, in order to remind her that you are not taking sides.
Obvioulsy I dont know you and if you can be that short and nice at the same time, me I perfected it after working in many a bitchy office.
Don't let yourself be sucked into this woman's personal and work issues.
Easy for me on my comfey sofa to say, but am urging you to bite the bullet and say it.
It's nice that people can feel comfortable enough around you to feel like they can off load but you have to watch you don't get dragged down with them. When you get it long enough they turn you into doom and gloom. It's one thing to be a shoulder to cry on here and there but not on a constant regular basis, especially when the problems you're hearing are the same thing over and over.
Politely mention that she should consider something from the doctor to help her cope and keep slipping it in. Keep saying the same thing until she gets fed up of hearing it and either 1. does something about it or 2. gets fed up of hearing it and finds somebody else to moan to
Unfortunately, the only way to deal with people like this is to give them short shrift. It sounds really harsh but you're obviously a nice, polite person of whom some will try to take advantage. I'm the same - polite and smiley so it gives some people all the reason they need to off-load or take advantage. Recently one particular chap, much older than me, kept coming over to me as soon as he saw me arrive. He had made lots of incorrect assumptions about me and talked to me as if we were friends, kept off-loading about his life and also kept giving me advice about my work (which I carried on doing when he was there) - it was clear his mind had been working over-time. Anyway, I was quite angry inside and I thought I would explode if he came over one more time. I hadn't been giving out any signals or inclination that I wished to talk/be his friend and this really bugged me. My father told me to just to simply ignore him and if it seemed rude, then so what, it's rude of him to keep encroaching. I took his advice so when he next came over I carried on with what I was doing and I certainly didn't get into any conversation with him. A few times I cut across him and said "too busy now thanks" which sounded really rude to me but it's worked. He doesn't come over any more and I'm left in peace to get on with my work.
There you go.
I know you've said you work through breaks so you can leave a bit earlier, but perhaps for the next week make sure you do take them away6 from your desk. Go for a walk, get some fresh air or whatever, just don't be at your desk when she calls (loo breaks generally only take a few minutes, so you need to make your absences longer than that, too).
Do you have the option of working from home? I've always been lucky enough to be able to, and if you can it'd be a good way of staying clear of her. If she moans that you've not been around, say that you've been busy with work, and that if she needs to talk to someone then she should contact your staff support service.
I know it's a pain in the arse, and unfair to an extent, but you need to make yourself unavailable to her.
So think of it like this how would you like someone to treat you if the role was reversed hopefully with more compasion than has been offered so far
She's a nuisance.
Get shot of her for your own good.
Can you make acquaintances with some of the people who have been upset by her? I do worry that others may avoid you if they think you are her friend and you'll be isolated by nothing dishonourable on your part. I hate to bring it down to playground politics since nobody goes to work to be friends but it helps if you do have someone to say hello to. This woman might be preventing you from this and at the same time, she might then distance herself from you.
She just turns up, I don't have any special bond or friendship with her but other people are starting to think that now and if she's going around not getting on with people, I don't want them to think I'm stoking the fire.
I would be careful giving advice to her..you dont know the history of why she is facing any disciplinary action..or why she seems to have rattled a few cages..I would be nervous that anything that I said..even nodding in sympathy or support could be passed on as "Achtung" said she agreed with me or "Achtung" said she thought....when in actual fact you have said nothing just nodded to shut her up..
I remmebr a mum at the school gates who used to have only bad thingds to say about the teaching staff..she would moan and moan to us other mums..we would listen to be polite and to begin with would offer our sympathy and support until the penny dropped that "everyone" was wrong according to her..then we just stood nodding to be polite..next minute me and another mum heard through the grapevine that she had gone into school talking to teachers saying "shirlt9" says this and I agree with her..when in fact I had said nothing of the sort and just nodded when she had said it..I went into school and set the record straight as in..look if I have any problems with anything you will hear it direct through me and not through this third party..I explained and the school staff understood..
Be careful you dont get dragged down with her..be firm now before its too late..go see management to put yourself striaght if need be..people like her can be dangerous and rock the boat of others..the way I see it we all have our own problems to sort out now and again..we dont need dragging into others if they are self inflicted!
It's so tough isn't it
I like shirlt9 advice, take it higher up the chain if you must and look after yourself and your reputation.
Good luck.
The talk about her piles was the point of no return for me, so I told her that there was some things I'd never feel deprived for not knowing about, and the state of her backside was one of them. I also wouldn't fall apart for not knowing about her work problems so, while I understood they might be difficult for her to cope with, there were channels to go through and HR or her GP could help with that. They were paid to listen and advise, I wasn't, so I'd appreciate it if she kept every bit of her business to herself in future. She hovered at that stage where you're not sure whether someone's going to kick off or cry, so I walked off to the photocopier and when I got back she'd gone. She never bothered me again. You can't hint with these people and hope they get the message that way, because they never do, as they see their issues as far bigger than anything you might have on your plate.
You're making me laugh a bit because she has actually told me about her IBS, lol.
You're right though, there are people payed to listen to all of this and I'm not her doctor/therapist/counsellor/best friend and I just know she will go on and on and on unless I kindly let her know that I don't want to deal with this every day at work.