My mummy passed away in February 1999 - aged 87 - although I have never grieved for her nor my late father, she was a lovely mother to me all her life. I still miss her and my daddy, even though I am now nearly 70.
I know where youre coming from Anne, and Im also loving these posts talking about peoples lovely mothers.
Maybe we learn from our mothers to be better mothers (and not like them)
If you know what I mean. I would hate to think my children will ever think of me the way I think of my mother
Me too love. With my five lovely children , I adore and treasure them and my grandchildren. It's hard for me to understand how victims of abuse go on to abuse their own children. Do they think they deserved such cruelty? Maybe. I'm so thankful to my Dad though. He was such a lovely Grandad too.
My mum died around 10 years ago. Now I've stopped to think about it, I don't even remember the date she died - because the date isn't important. My memories are of her when she was alive and loving life. in her last few years she deteriorated through heart disease and wanted release from her painful and frustrating life.
When she was alive, we nominally celebrated Mothering Sunday by going out for lunch - but in her later years we often took her out on sundays anyway, so Mothers Day wasn't particularly special.
My mum outlived my father by about 20 years. A more important date for me was the anniversary of my father's death. I regularly took my mother out for a meal and a general chat on a regular basis, but randomly. But I always made a point of taking her out on the anniversary of my father's death - not to record it, but just to stop her from looking inward as I knew she would. It was not till about 12 or 13 years after his death that she mentioned it, on the anniversary, while we were out. She never realised that I'd always specifically picked that date to see her- she assumed it was just a coincidence.
Since her death, I do think about her and miss her on a regular basis - especially that she never met my daughter who was born a couple of years after her death but I don't think about her any more on Mother's day. I do see it as life moving on. We now celebrate Mother's Day more for the benefit of our daughter - it's about her taking regard of her mother.
I lost my mum when I was a kid, so it's not so raw now, but at school in the 70s, the teachers would do really insensitive things like get the whole class making Mother's Day cards and I remember that being a bit tough.
I always found Mother's Day harder before I had my own kids. Now I see it as a chance to be spoilt, myself and focus on my own kids rather than my mother not being there. I miss her desperately, every day, although decades have passed. But this particular day does get easier to deal with as time passes.
It's 17 years since I lost my mum (aged 60). My youngest daughter is 18 next week and she was just 9 months old when mum died so has no memory of her at all.
I miss the wam feeling coming home in evening with my mum waiting for you
I miss that too although luckily she is still alive having lived in a nursing home for the past two years as she is now in the advanced stages of dementia (she is 87).
I used to be her main carer prior to her being moved into residential care and would give anything to have those days back. I now live alone and the house seems empty when I arrive home from work, especially since I was forced to have my dog put to sleep 15 months ago when she became ill.
Being adopted, I've always found mother's day very difficult. Apart from my birthday it's the day I think most about my biological mother.
I don't get on with my adoptive mother at all so won't be sending her anything, she is very abusive. So it's a day I really hate, tbh. I used to hate having to make Mother's day cards in school for her because I really hated her.
Being adopted, I've always found mother's day very difficult. Apart from my birthday it's the day I think most about my biological mother.
I don't get on with my adoptive mother at all so won't be sending her anything, she is very abusive. So it's a day I really hate, tbh. I used to hate having to make Mother's day cards in school for her because I really hated her.
I'm so sorry to read that as a victim of abuse from my maternal mother. Proves what I've always thought and has been an issue in my life as a counsellor. Potential adoptive parents are not vetted properly.
I'm so sorry to read that as a victim of abuse from my maternal mother. Proves what I've always thought and has been an issue in my life as a counsellor. Potential adoptive parents are not vetted properly.
Well, she would have abused her biological kids, I'm sure. My father is just as bad. But she always hated me and threatened to 'send me back'. I'm not sure how you would spot potential abusers, 'tbh. I don't think most parents go into being a parent with the intention to abuse, just their own unresolved issues come to the surface and they take it out on their kids. (Not saying that's an excuse, an abused person should know better)
I'm sure the rate of adoptees being abused is about the same as in bio families, every adoptee I've met had some degree of dysfunction in their family- divorce, neglect, alcoholic parent etc. But being adopted on top of that makes it a double trauma. Plus, in my experience, nobody wanted to believe me because of the myth that adoptive parents are somehow better. Some of the worst cases of abuse I've heard about have been from adoptive parents. I've known a woman who was molested by every male member of her family, but when she tried to tell people, she was told it wasn't 'as bad' because they weren't biologically related.
I will be thinking about my 2 nieces and nephew who will be desperately trying to do the right thing by their mum (my sister) by sending her a card etc whilst knowing what a hopeless mother she has been to them. So sad for them. They so want to be loved by her but she really is only capable of loving herself.
Happily for them they still have my mum, their Nan, around. She has brought them all up and I know they will make a right fuss of her on Sunday. Rightly so. She is amazing.
Well, she would have abused her biological kids, I'm sure. My father is just as bad. But she always hated me and threatened to 'send me back'. I'm not sure how you would spot potential abusers, 'tbh. I don't think most parents go into being a parent with the intention to abuse, just their own unresolved issues come to the surface and they take it out on their kids. (Not saying that's an excuse, an abused person should know better)
I'm sure the rate of adoptees being abused is about the same as in bio families, every adoptee I've met had some degree of dysfunction in their family- divorce, neglect, alcoholic parent etc. But being adopted on top of that makes it a double trauma. Plus, in my experience, nobody wanted to believe me because of the myth that adoptive parents are somehow better. Some of the worst cases of abuse I've heard about have been from adoptive parents. I've known a woman who was molested by every male member of her family, but when she tried to tell people, she was told it wasn't 'as bad' because they weren't biologically related.
Yes it seems to be a sad fact of life. From natural parents to adoptive to foster and the various "institutions" who are "house" children in one form or another. Then we go on to the mental health sector who also deal with adult victims of abuse. It never seems to get any better and I am in my sixties. I try very hard to hang on to the success stories BUT!
Yes it seems to be a sad fact of life. From natural parents to adoptive to foster and the various "institutions" who house children, then on to the mental health sector who also deal with adult victims of abuse. It never seems to get any better and I am in my sixties.
The biggest thing society could for adoptees, not just the abused one, is to get rid of the notion that adoptive parents are these magical creatures that 'rescue' kids. They're just regular people who couldn't conceive. Same with foster parents/ children's homes, children aren't always safe there either. And being adopted isn't easy, even if you're not abused.
Adoptees are overrepresented in the mental health system and rehab centres, and are 4 times more likely to commit suicide than non-adoptees. Something needs to change.
I personally believe that a lot of mental illnesses are rooted in abuse. Child abuse is enough to send anyone insane, having to deal with extreme situations at a time when the brain is still developing. Yes, it is very tragic.
What lovely heart warming posts. I could never miss my Mother. She was a violent, sadistic bully. My Father however was lovely and I miss him more than words can say. He taught me the meaning of love.
Thank you for being so open in your posts
I only got really close to my Mum in latter years, she was more for my brothers than myself and my dad dying when we were all little (I felt) left little in the way of somebody being 'for me'. I feel like you say about your Dad as he always had time for me and I remember nice things about him as a child and feeling loved, I never felt that from my Mum until a year or so before she died.
I do however miss her and cherish the funny times we had as both adults.
Yes it seems to be a sad fact of life. From natural parents to adoptive to foster and the various "institutions" who are "house" children in one form or another. Then we go on to the mental health sector who also deal with adult victims of abuse. It never seems to get any better and I am in my sixties. I try very hard to hang on to the success stories BUT!
I'm adopted and a success story, so I'm another one you can hang onto
Lost my amazing mum recently & suddenly, and dreading this day. Again. Miss her so much. Feels like 10 minutes ago and also 10 years ago. Always in my heart and my mind though.
My mum's in Mauritius but I gave her card before she went away. Unfortunately, the reason she went away was because her mum (my nani) passed away 2 weeks ago tomorrow
So my mum, my aunties and uncle will be feeling it, although they've been feeling it since my nani passed away.
Not so much miss her, I don't think I ever have. However I do celebrate the day as I am a mother, and hopefully use my experience to be a better mother to my children
I'm adopted and a success story, so I'm another one you can hang onto
I think by 'success stories', she means adults who end up in the mental health system due to child abuse/ early trauma/ family problems, and overcome it. Sorry if this is what you mean though.
I saw what you wrote in the other posts, sorry for your loss.
I miss the wam feeling coming home in evening with my mum waiting for you
This is really very poignant. I lost my mam 4 years ago this coming August (and my dad the following August) and we were very close. In fact I put off leaving home and moving in with my partner for such a long time because of our bond (I cried buckets when I eventually left home, even though it was just to the neighbouring town).
Sadly she got Alzheimers a year later and eventually ended up in a nursing home. It was my absolute worst nightmare ... to witness my gorgeous mam slowly lose her mind and to eventually forget who I was (I was a late arrival after my 3 siblings and so always her 'baby').
Even now sometimes I'll find myself buying a top or dress and thinking 'I can't wait to show my mam this, she'll love it' before remembering; or I'll watch a film or drama and think 'My mam would have loved this' or 'I wish my mam was here so we could discuss how gorgeous he (some actor) is.' Sometimes you miss them so much it hurts.
But despite the grief I'm just so very very grateful that I had her in my life for 40 years and have so many happy memories. It makes me sad to read how others have not been as lucky as myself.
It really was a privilege to have been her daughter.
I'm adopted and a success story, so I'm another one you can hang onto
I found this really eye opening lecture given by a psychologist who specialises in treating adoptees. He talks a lot about early separation, loss of bonding etc. He began as an addiction specialist, but had so many adoptees coming to see him he began to specialise in attachment/ relinquishment/ adoption issues and liaised with other adoption therapists too. I was introduced to it by an adoptee group, and I found it very helpful. It's quite long and there's a lot of information. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3pX4C-mtiI
There are some good books like 'The Primal Wound' by Nancy Verrier, she talks in depth about separation/ adoption issues. It's also very eye opening.
The biggest thing society could for adoptees, not just the abused one, is to get rid of the notion that adoptive parents are these magical creatures that 'rescue' kids. They're just regular people who couldn't conceive. Same with foster parents/ children's homes, children aren't always safe there either. And being adopted isn't easy, even if you're not abused.
Adoptees are overrepresented in the mental health system and rehab centres, and are 4 times more likely to commit suicide than non-adoptees. Something needs to change.
I personally believe that a lot of mental illnesses are rooted in abuse. Child abuse is enough to send anyone insane, having to deal with extreme situations at a time when the brain is still developing. Yes, it is very tragic.
I dont want to derail the thread but I have to ask; what do you think should be changed?
I'm asking because I am six weeks away from qualifying as a social worker and over the past few weeks have been co-working a case with two children going through the process of being matched to prospective adoptive parents so have been involved in weighing up different families to see which could best meet the needs of the children. Despite what must have been an awful time for you, you come across as being incredibly reflective about your experiences and I would be really interested to know your perspective on how the process should work or what is missing.
Please PM if you think the question is further derailing the thread.
As an add to the thread (just so I do contribute) my mother was emotionally abusive throughout my life. I realise that she had MH problems or even a BPO (in the direction of narcissistic) and for those who love and miss their mums, treasure those memories. Although she may no longer be with you, she has given you something incredibly special. I would trade places with all of you in an instant. Mothers day is just a sad memory of what I never had and you have no idea how hard it is finding a card which reflects how I feel and just acknowledges the convention.
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Me too love. With my five lovely children , I adore and treasure them and my grandchildren. It's hard for me to understand how victims of abuse go on to abuse their own children. Do they think they deserved such cruelty? Maybe. I'm so thankful to my Dad though. He was such a lovely Grandad too.
When she was alive, we nominally celebrated Mothering Sunday by going out for lunch - but in her later years we often took her out on sundays anyway, so Mothers Day wasn't particularly special.
My mum outlived my father by about 20 years. A more important date for me was the anniversary of my father's death. I regularly took my mother out for a meal and a general chat on a regular basis, but randomly. But I always made a point of taking her out on the anniversary of my father's death - not to record it, but just to stop her from looking inward as I knew she would. It was not till about 12 or 13 years after his death that she mentioned it, on the anniversary, while we were out. She never realised that I'd always specifically picked that date to see her- she assumed it was just a coincidence.
Since her death, I do think about her and miss her on a regular basis - especially that she never met my daughter who was born a couple of years after her death but I don't think about her any more on Mother's day. I do see it as life moving on. We now celebrate Mother's Day more for the benefit of our daughter - it's about her taking regard of her mother.
I always found Mother's Day harder before I had my own kids. Now I see it as a chance to be spoilt, myself and focus on my own kids rather than my mother not being there. I miss her desperately, every day, although decades have passed. But this particular day does get easier to deal with as time passes.
I miss that too although luckily she is still alive having lived in a nursing home for the past two years as she is now in the advanced stages of dementia (she is 87).
I used to be her main carer prior to her being moved into residential care and would give anything to have those days back. I now live alone and the house seems empty when I arrive home from work, especially since I was forced to have my dog put to sleep 15 months ago when she became ill.
I don't get on with my adoptive mother at all so won't be sending her anything, she is very abusive. So it's a day I really hate, tbh. I used to hate having to make Mother's day cards in school for her because I really hated her.
I'm so sorry to read that as a victim of abuse from my maternal mother. Proves what I've always thought and has been an issue in my life as a counsellor. Potential adoptive parents are not vetted properly.
Well, she would have abused her biological kids, I'm sure. My father is just as bad. But she always hated me and threatened to 'send me back'. I'm not sure how you would spot potential abusers, 'tbh. I don't think most parents go into being a parent with the intention to abuse, just their own unresolved issues come to the surface and they take it out on their kids. (Not saying that's an excuse, an abused person should know better)
I'm sure the rate of adoptees being abused is about the same as in bio families, every adoptee I've met had some degree of dysfunction in their family- divorce, neglect, alcoholic parent etc. But being adopted on top of that makes it a double trauma. Plus, in my experience, nobody wanted to believe me because of the myth that adoptive parents are somehow better. Some of the worst cases of abuse I've heard about have been from adoptive parents. I've known a woman who was molested by every male member of her family, but when she tried to tell people, she was told it wasn't 'as bad' because they weren't biologically related.
Happily for them they still have my mum, their Nan, around. She has brought them all up and I know they will make a right fuss of her on Sunday. Rightly so. She is amazing.
Yes it seems to be a sad fact of life. From natural parents to adoptive to foster and the various "institutions" who are "house" children in one form or another. Then we go on to the mental health sector who also deal with adult victims of abuse. It never seems to get any better and I am in my sixties. I try very hard to hang on to the success stories BUT!
The biggest thing society could for adoptees, not just the abused one, is to get rid of the notion that adoptive parents are these magical creatures that 'rescue' kids. They're just regular people who couldn't conceive. Same with foster parents/ children's homes, children aren't always safe there either. And being adopted isn't easy, even if you're not abused.
Adoptees are overrepresented in the mental health system and rehab centres, and are 4 times more likely to commit suicide than non-adoptees. Something needs to change.
I personally believe that a lot of mental illnesses are rooted in abuse. Child abuse is enough to send anyone insane, having to deal with extreme situations at a time when the brain is still developing. Yes, it is very tragic.
Thank you for being so open in your posts
I only got really close to my Mum in latter years, she was more for my brothers than myself and my dad dying when we were all little (I felt) left little in the way of somebody being 'for me'. I feel like you say about your Dad as he always had time for me and I remember nice things about him as a child and feeling loved, I never felt that from my Mum until a year or so before she died.
I do however miss her and cherish the funny times we had as both adults.
I'm adopted and a success story, so I'm another one you can hang onto
So my mum, my aunties and uncle will be feeling it, although they've been feeling it since my nani passed away.
That is me too.
I think by 'success stories', she means adults who end up in the mental health system due to child abuse/ early trauma/ family problems, and overcome it. Sorry if this is what you mean though.
I saw what you wrote in the other posts, sorry for your loss.
This is really very poignant. I lost my mam 4 years ago this coming August (and my dad the following August) and we were very close. In fact I put off leaving home and moving in with my partner for such a long time because of our bond (I cried buckets when I eventually left home, even though it was just to the neighbouring town).
Sadly she got Alzheimers a year later and eventually ended up in a nursing home. It was my absolute worst nightmare ... to witness my gorgeous mam slowly lose her mind and to eventually forget who I was (I was a late arrival after my 3 siblings and so always her 'baby').
Even now sometimes I'll find myself buying a top or dress and thinking 'I can't wait to show my mam this, she'll love it' before remembering; or I'll watch a film or drama and think 'My mam would have loved this' or 'I wish my mam was here so we could discuss how gorgeous he (some actor) is.' Sometimes you miss them so much it hurts.
But despite the grief I'm just so very very grateful that I had her in my life for 40 years and have so many happy memories. It makes me sad to read how others have not been as lucky as myself.
It really was a privilege to have been her daughter.
Hugs to all those that need one ((( )))
I found this really eye opening lecture given by a psychologist who specialises in treating adoptees. He talks a lot about early separation, loss of bonding etc. He began as an addiction specialist, but had so many adoptees coming to see him he began to specialise in attachment/ relinquishment/ adoption issues and liaised with other adoption therapists too. I was introduced to it by an adoptee group, and I found it very helpful. It's quite long and there's a lot of information.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3pX4C-mtiI
There are some good books like 'The Primal Wound' by Nancy Verrier, she talks in depth about separation/ adoption issues. It's also very eye opening.
Recall those happier times you shared.
*hugs* to all
I dont want to derail the thread but I have to ask; what do you think should be changed?
I'm asking because I am six weeks away from qualifying as a social worker and over the past few weeks have been co-working a case with two children going through the process of being matched to prospective adoptive parents so have been involved in weighing up different families to see which could best meet the needs of the children. Despite what must have been an awful time for you, you come across as being incredibly reflective about your experiences and I would be really interested to know your perspective on how the process should work or what is missing.
Please PM if you think the question is further derailing the thread.
As an add to the thread (just so I do contribute) my mother was emotionally abusive throughout my life. I realise that she had MH problems or even a BPO (in the direction of narcissistic) and for those who love and miss their mums, treasure those memories. Although she may no longer be with you, she has given you something incredibly special. I would trade places with all of you in an instant. Mothers day is just a sad memory of what I never had and you have no idea how hard it is finding a card which reflects how I feel and just acknowledges the convention.