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My dad is dying
My dad has cancer, I dont know yet the full extent but we have a pretty good idea it's spread from his lungs to his liver and likely his brain. He's been extremely ill for weeks. He's only just admitted it a couple of weeks ago because his symptoms were unmissable. His vision has gone, he can't write, he cant eat or sleep - yet today he was in his office working on a ridiculous case load. This evening he has been strong armed into hospital at last and he will have a scan tomorrow. We know its in his lungs after x-rays 2 weeks ago that my sister arranged at her hospital (200 miles from his home, and he promptly discharged himself)
Apart from all the obvious, I just don't know how I am going to cope. He is a very proud man, old school, he doesn't want fuss, he said he doesn't want people there as it 'will be like a wake'. I can't control my emotions at the moment, I feel lost already and I will be a mess when I see him, I need to plan what to say and think it through so I have some control over it because he will see it as intrusive and uncomfortable if we are all a total mess.
Anyone have any advice on what to say, to show I love him but without putting stuff on him, or without too much declaration?
Next week might be the last time I see him, he has deteriorated rapidly in the last week
Apart from all the obvious, I just don't know how I am going to cope. He is a very proud man, old school, he doesn't want fuss, he said he doesn't want people there as it 'will be like a wake'. I can't control my emotions at the moment, I feel lost already and I will be a mess when I see him, I need to plan what to say and think it through so I have some control over it because he will see it as intrusive and uncomfortable if we are all a total mess.
Anyone have any advice on what to say, to show I love him but without putting stuff on him, or without too much declaration?
Next week might be the last time I see him, he has deteriorated rapidly in the last week
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Thanks. My sister is a senior nurse and has been speaking his his GP and has spoken to the hospital nurse tonight. She's driving up there to speak to the drs make sure he's getting the right tests tomorrow as they have been slow to get this CAT scan since they got the xrays 2 weeks ago - so I trust her with that side of things. The hospital he's at has been in the news for under performing recently.
Thanks for the input
Thank you. My problem is that I'm the same as him. We are both uncomfortable with emotion and the amount I am feeling is going to 'spoil' my last time with him. He argued with my sister today on the phone about going into hospital and Im grateful I dont have do deal with that side of things. I just need to work out how to cope when i see him. I saw him 2 weeks ago, wen I walked in I said "what's all this attention seeking" and gave him a hug, his partner thanked me afterwards for dealing with it that way, but then I thought it was treatable. Now I know that's unlikely, I cant keep that level of flippancy. I also want him to tell me stuff I have never asked, about his childhood, his teenage years etc. We weren't close for many years so i feel I've missed a lot, our relationship is almost formal while being affectionate, it's very hard to explain. I realise now he's hardly ever told me anything. He might be too exhausted to talk, his breathing is laboured on the phone.
The thought of talking about his funeral with him is enough to send me to mine - I've been thinking about an obituary or what will be said at his funeral and that's been making me implode in tears. I can see the merit though, focusing on the practicalities removes the emotion so might help me in the moment. I do want it to be emotional but without the over emotion. So basically, I want the impossible.
I'm sorry to hear about your mum.
Sorry to hear that. It is the scariest thing in the world, on every level. Levels I didn't even know exist. I will speak to Macmillan thank you.
awkward sounds such an inappropriate work to use in this instance, but unfortunately it's not without relevancy.
Thank you. I'm really not brave. He is though.
Thank you. I hope he knew what you would have said to him, I feel a little humbled that I have the chance you didnt but then feel that I think my dad knows without it being said, and saying it goes outside the implicit we have always had. Maybe that's what I say to him.
That's amazing, I didn't think something like that would be possible. Does she normally work at that hospital or is she just stepping in to help your dad? I wish someone would've done that when my dad was dying with lung cancer. He needed fluid draining off his lungs at one point and was left on a bed in a corridor on a Friday night, and that was just the tip of the iceberg...
My dad wasn't an emotional bloke but we clicked, before he died. Don't force anything. There's an argument for saying let him do what he wants in his last days, though. Luckily my dad had retired so work wasn't a problem.
Good luck.
I really feel for you.
That's what I want to be important. And what I'm asking myself.
I'm going to bed as I have to be up early, I'm really very grateful to everyone who has responded, it's allowed me to get things out that I had not been facing, and needed to before I go up there. I find it hard to talk to friends and this forum outlet allows me time to hear what is being said to me without crying over everything being said. I will need a few days to process this stuff so any more advice will be equally gratefully received.
You all really have helped.
I agree.
I've never had the kind of relationship with my parents where we talk about feelings, say that we love each other etc so I see where you're coming from, but maybe we do just assume that they know we love them, know we respect them, which is why it remains unsaid. It's better to say it than have regrets of not saying it when the chance was there. Give yourself a bit of time to deal with what news the scan brings, and take it from there. I've heard people say that in these situations you find an inner strength, I don't know if that's true but if it is I truely hope you find yours and you find a way to cope.
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Thank you
My sister has always said there is a way to deal with health professionals but not sure what that is. The first set of tests was at her hospital so she knew the staff and got everything needed, since he's been back home, nothing has happened and his tests have been delayed. She's going up there with the knowledge of how the systems work I guess. So sorry your poor dad went through that.
We assumed he would refuse treatment and he has so far. There's more to it in that he told me when my uncle died that he didn't want to go through palliative care, and to bump him off. Everyone assumed he would take his own life, he collects shotguns. Now he is in hospital, he has no longer got that option. So I'm also upset that his probable wishes aren't now an option for him and I know he doesn't want to die slowly, without dignity as he sees it.
Given what I said to Croctacus, I think you're absolutely right and will bear your advice very much in mind.
I'm pretty sure I dont have much inner strength but I hope youre right. I think saying something like 'we dont need to say it' is effectively saying it, and gives him the option to elaborate if he wants which is my main worry, doing it as he wants not as I blurt. I think my main regret will be if I cant hold it together as I know he doesnt want that (at this stage anyway).
I'm so sorry that you didn't get that chance when I am seeming to want to avoid it.
urgh maybe I should just accept I will make an almighty mess of it. I dont want this to be happening. I dont want him to be going through this. When people say how awful cancer is I have always thought 'yeah it is' but living it is something else. It's like opening the lid into hell.
sorry for the brain dump. It's helping organise my thoughts.
Can't believe he is still going into work :eek:
Macmillan nurses are just angels, they've seen it all, been in every situation and still just find the right things to say at the right time. If your father will accept their help, I would suggest you take it.
Saying that, if your dad goes into a hospice, I cannot begin to tell you what an amazing job they do - the care, not just for the patient is brilliant.
It is difficult trying to come to terms with the situation and I imagine that you will initially find it really hard, but you will find it easier the more you are with him.
Look after yourselves x
As someone else has already said if your Dad does go into a hospice at some stage then they do offer incredible support for all the family.
I wish I had something magical to say which would ease your situation and I feel inadequate that I don't.
It is good to see that you also have the support of your sister who is able to cope with the more medical side of things.
Sending you strength and hugs.
x