Losing confidence in driving after an accident

[Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 2,606
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I was driving my husband home from work last night when another car slammed into us. Luckily we got away with only bruises and cuts, but he has been learning to drive for the past year and now he is saying he doesn't want to carry on, but I really think he should.

The frightening thing about yesterday was that it shows no matter how safely YOU drive, you can be killed by some other idiot who doesn't bother to look. I accept that this is a risk I take when I get behind the wheel, but I don't know what I can say or do to encourage my husband to carry on with his lessons.

Perhaps I should just let it go but the public transport here is awful, and it's very difficult (not to mention expensive) to get about without a car. Selfishly, I would like it if I didn't always have to take him and pick him up from work and other places. Especially since my disabled mum lives with us, it would take a lot of weight off my shoulders if there was another driver in the household.

Has anyone been through something similar? What was it that got you back behind the wheel? How can I build up his confidence again?

Comments

  • WoodbineWoodbine Posts: 14,185
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    It only happened last night he might be still in shock and shaken up. Maybe after a week or two he might get his confidence back up. This sort of thing will no doubt make learner drivers feel more nervous;

    I don't have first hand experience with this, so I don't know what sort of advice to give, but I'd say give him a little bit of time to get over it, then try again.
  • Velvet GloveVelvet Glove Posts: 629
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    The best thing to do really is to get behind the wheel again as soon as possible really - are there any quieter roads (I know, you live in London!) that he could maybe do a couple of refresher lessons on to get his confidence back?
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 2,606
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    Woodbine wrote: »
    It only happened last night he might be still in shock and shaken up. Maybe after a week or two he might get his confidence back up. This sort of thing will no doubt make learner drivers feel more nervous;

    I don't have first hand experience with this, so I don't know what sort of advice to give, but I'd say give him a little bit of time to get over it, then try again.

    Thanks. You might be right but he has always been a fairly nervous driver, I've had to constantly encourage him to keep going with his lessons. I think this has undone all that good work but you may be right.
    The best thing to do really is to get behind the wheel again as soon as possible really - are there any quieter roads (I know, you live in London!) that he could maybe do a couple of refresher lessons on to get his confidence back?

    You're probably right, this is what I'm going to do as soon as I get a courtesy car. I can't afford to become scared of driving, I'll have to give up my job if I can't drive. We're actually just outside of London and outside of TFL zone, which is why public transport is so rubbish. Funnily enough his instructor drove past the scene of the accident yesterday and got out to see if we were ok, so I might call him and see if he can encourage my husband to have another lesson.
  • _ben_ben Posts: 5,758
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    I was in a high speed collision when one oncoming car was hit by another and shunted across onto my side of the road, and it really affected me. I think it made me realise that every time you go out on the road you can be driving perfectly safely but you could still get killed or seriously injured because other people just don't look where they're going. I gave up driving for several years until I changed jobs and needed to drive again, and really the only thing that helped was time.
  • PuckyPucky Posts: 4,503
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    Perhaps get him to start slowly? Just sitting in the drivers seat, even if it's just for a couple of minutes. Then start the engine and slowly build up until he feels confident in just moving the car, even if it's to the end of the street.

    Is there an empty car park that he can drive around slowly until he gets his confidence back?
  • stargazer61stargazer61 Posts: 70,906
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    Talk to his driving instructor. If it is an experienced instructor he or she will probably come across this problem before or may be able to advise if there are any specialist day courses he could take to get his confidence back.
  • pugamopugamo Posts: 18,039
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    I had a bad accident when I was still on my R plates. My car was written off, but all I could do was get straight back behind the wheel and keep at it. My boyfriend sat in with me the first few times to keep me calm and take over if needs be, but I was mostly ok. I was tempted never to drive down the road I had the accident on ever again, but I made myself and now I can do it if I must, although I do remember it vividly when I drive down that road.

    The longer he goes without driving now, the harder it will be for him to ever get back behind the wheel. Take him out during a quiet period, as you would when he just started, around an industrial estate or something, just to get his head around being behind the wheel again.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 382
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    I do not understand you say he has lost confidence, confidence in what, he was not in control of the car Are you saying he feels incapable of learning to drive or frighten to try
    It does not matter how long or how competent you are someone sometime is going to hit you through no fault of yours
  • SupratadSupratad Posts: 10,402
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    I do not understand you say he has lost confidence, confidence in what, he was not in control of the car Are you saying he feels incapable of learning to drive or frighten to try
    It does not matter how long or how competent you are someone sometime is going to hit you through no fault of yours

    Yeah, that's what he really needs to hear. Have you considered a career in counselling?
  • SnrDevSnrDev Posts: 6,094
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    Tell him not to bother trying again. There enough bad drivers on the road already and adding to their number with another nervous hesitant driver is a bad idea. The huge cost of running a second car can be better used for taxis or a bike.
  • SupratadSupratad Posts: 10,402
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    As another poster has said, it was only a day or so ago, so the shock effect will still be there. The fact you are both only lightly injured however should be testament to modern car construction, but even a slight knock sounds really violent and shocking inside a car. I was passenger in a colleague's car at a fuel station when the car in front reversed into us, while we were stationary. Couldn't have been more than 8mph, but the bang was enormous.

    Your husband should get back into it as soon as possible, but stick to urban roads where no one is doing over 30mph for now. Don't go out on any NSL A roads while he is still feeling nervous.

    I do want to take issue with a number of posts here stating that is is somehow in the hands of fate whether one lives or dies on the roads.

    "you can be driving perfectly safely but you could still get killed or seriously injured because other people just don't look where they're going."
    "The frightening thing about yesterday was that it shows no matter how safely YOU drive, you can be killed by some other idiot who doesn't bother to look."

    Its more of an advanced driving technique, but you should always have an escape plan in any driving situation, always be observing the oncoming traffic, even on the opposite side of a motorway and continually assessing each driving situation. Never drive blindly through a green light, safe in the knowledge that the other lights are red, always check your way is safe and clear, its all that sort of thing.

    I wouldn't expect your husband to be doing that yet, but never ever drive anywhere thinking that your safety is anything other than under your own control.

    I've been in two accidents where it was 100% the other persons fault, but always on reflection I realised there were things I could have done better that would have avoided the accident in the first place. Its that kind of continual objective self assessment that improves drivers and safety.

    It may be of help to examine your accident and talk it through together to understand what happened, why it happened and how to avoid it in the future. Simply throwing ones hands up and saying "not my fault, nothing I can do to stop this sort of thing" does not grow confidence.
    I'm not saying you are doing that here of course, but talking though it might help your husband get back to driving as soon as he can
  • shelleyj89shelleyj89 Posts: 16,292
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    I can't really give an advice, OP, other than he just needs to get back out there as soon as possible. If he doesn't, I'm sure he'll regret it.

    I had an accident when on a lesson. I was sitting at a roundabout waiting for my turn to go, and a car going at around 30 mph smacked into the back of us, obviously pushing us out into the roundabout. We were lucky that it would have been my time to go, so we had just missed one car, and there was no car coming round the roundabout. He didn't see us, apparently! The car was a right off due to the damage at the back, but it could have been far worse for me and my instructor. I can still remember the sound, the feeling of it all though, and it was a good 6 or 7 years ago now. It didn't make me nervous or worried about getting behind the wheel again, though.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 2,606
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    Thanks again everyone. The other driver has been found totally at fault (no surprises there) so his insurer arranged a courtesy car today. My husband was reluctant but I convinced him to come with me and pick it up and we drove home together. I'm not sure if it made it any better but at least it hasn't made him worse.
    Supratad wrote: »
    I wouldn't expect your husband to be doing that yet, but never ever drive anywhere thinking that your safety is anything other than under your own control.

    I'm afraid I can't agree with you there! I actually have the opposite outlook to you, whenever I drive I accept that I'm taking a risk and putting myself at the mercy of other road users. That doesn't mean I drive carelessly or don't take sensible precautions, but I don't see the value in pretending that everything is under my control when I'm sharing the road with millions of other people.

    Believe me, I have been replaying the accident in my head non-stop for three days, and there wasn't a sensible precaution I could have taken that would have avoided it or made it any better.

    Edit: Just thought I'd clarify that I haven't said any of this stuff to Mr Shark. :p But on the contrary it's not like I can use this as a lesson to teach him about how to avoid accidents, it'd be easy if I could say something like "see, if I had been looking properly then we wouldn't have crashed, listen to your instructor when he tells you to always be using your mirrors". He's worked out for himself that there's nothing I could have done, as a driver, which is probably where the problem lies.
  • RellyRelly Posts: 3,469
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    Thanks again everyone. The other driver has been found totally at fault (no surprises there) so his insurer arranged a courtesy car today. My husband was reluctant but I convinced him to come with me and pick it up and we drove home together. I'm not sure if it made it any better but at least it hasn't made him worse.



    I'm afraid I can't agree with you there! I actually have the opposite outlook to you, whenever I drive I accept that I'm taking a risk and putting myself at the mercy of other road users. That doesn't mean I drive carelessly or don't take sensible precautions, but I don't see the value in pretending that everything is under my control when I'm sharing the road with millions of other people.

    Believe me, I have been replaying the accident in my head non-stop for three days, and there wasn't a sensible precaution I could have taken that would have avoided it or made it any better.

    Edit: Just thought I'd clarify that I haven't said any of this stuff to Mr Shark. :p But on the contrary it's not like I can use this as a lesson to teach him about how to avoid accidents, it'd be easy if I could say something like "see, if I had been looking properly then we wouldn't have crashed, listen to your instructor when he tells you to always be using your mirrors". He's worked out for himself that there's nothing I could have done, as a driver, which is probably where the problem lies.

    I've got to say, this is something I've drummed into my children over the years - ie they're not invincible on the road if they're personally doing everything right. I thought a lot of the 'learning to drive' thing was about "anticipation of future events", such as watching the fourth car in a queue of traffic to see if they start to slow down, then hovering over the brake pedal, stuff like that?
  • TangledNemoTangledNemo Posts: 537
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    I was in a collision last October and the other driver was found to be at fault (they pulled out in front of me when I was on a main road). I was told to get back driving asap so I took the courtesy car I was given out for a spin that evening. It was horrible though, I felt like I was a learner all over again. I'm still quite paranoid and nervous around other cars on the road but spending time on the roads is helping with that, and I think I'm a better driver now because of the collision. Think its only time spent on the roads that can really help with the confidence issues though.
  • SupratadSupratad Posts: 10,402
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    I'm afraid I can't agree with you there! I actually have the opposite outlook to you, whenever I drive I accept that I'm taking a risk and putting myself at the mercy of other road users. That doesn't mean I drive carelessly or don't take sensible precautions, but I don't see the value in pretending that everything is under my control when I'm sharing the road with millions of other people.

    Hi again. I do see what you're saying but would not agree to putting myself at the mercy of anyone else. Yes, there does have to be a certain level of expectation that other road users will, for the most part, be sensible, else no one would ever dare venture outside the door.

    I don't know the nature of your incident of course, but to use another recent example, in London there was a bus crash last month. The bus driver swerved to avoid a car that had veered into his path. Unfortunately in swerving, he crashed his bus into a huge London Plane tree on the kerbside. I can't recall if there were fatalities now. Given the comparative sizes and crumple zones of the two vehicles, what he should have done, having been fully aware of his surroundings and the dangers therein, was plow straight into the car. The impact would have been far less severe for him and his passengers. It may have been fatal for the car driver, but these are the sort of hard choices that have to be made in a split second.

    That's the kind of thing I'm talking about. Is it better to swerve, mount the kerb etc, or go for a glancing blow vehicle to vehicle or even head on and take your chances in the energy dissipation gamble?
    Only you as the driver can make those choices, but that's what I mean by being the only one responsible for your own safety.
    I'm not saying anyone should feel they are invincible, I'm saying be prepared for the idiots, and always have an escape plan.
  • ChristmasCakeChristmasCake Posts: 26,078
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    I passed out while driving last year in January, and the car careered into a tree, completely destroying it.

    Given the impact of the crash, I was rather disorientated, but once I went to see the car, it put me off driving completely. I suppose you could say the car did it's job, but the entire front of the car was pretty much gone, and the copper said he was surprised I walked away alive...

    My brother bought me a car and made sure that no-one gave me a lift anywhere, so that I had to drive*.

    Getting back behind the wheel is the best thing, even if it is scary, it's the only way to regain the control really, so hopefully you can convince your hubby to pick up the lessons again.

    *Due to passing out I did have to be cleared medically first before I could drive again.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 382
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    I do not understand you say he has lost confidence, confidence in what, he was not in control of the car Are you saying he feels incapable of learning to drive or frighten to try
    It does not matter how long or how competent you are someone sometime is going to hit you through no fault of yours
    Supratad wrote: »
    Yeah, that's what he really needs to hear. Have you considered a career in counselling?

    No just a realist why are you so angry
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 6,848
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    You need a car he can feel safe in. Basically an old barge, a big safe old thing which makes you feel that anything hitting you will just bounce off.

    Something like an old Merc, the pre shoddy build quality ones, or an old Volvo, that sort of thing.

    If he can be in a safe feeling car he will be happier.
  • Nattie01Nattie01 Posts: 1,652
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    Happened to me some weeks ago. An idiot ignored a give way and slammed into the side of my car at speed, writing my car off and injuring myself and my son.

    I am very nervous about driving now, and it seems to be getting worse rather than better.

    I am pursuing a personal injury case - the other driver has thankfully admitted liability - and the doctor who assessed me for my physical injuries is going to recommend some CBT to get over my fears.

    Might be worth your husband asking his GP whether CBT would help him.

    Motor accidents, regardless of whether you are the driver or the passenger, are traumatic. I do know how your husband is feeling and I hope he is feeling better and more confident about driving soon.
  • michael37michael37 Posts: 2,622
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    You need a car he can feel safe in. Basically an old barge, a big safe old thing which makes you feel that anything hitting you will just bounce off.

    Noooooooooooo! Old cars are not safe!

    If you want a safe car buy something as new as possible with a 5 star euroNCAP rating, even the smallest new car is far far safer than an old volvo or merc.

    if you don't believe me, have a look at this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBDyeWofcLY
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 6,848
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    michael37 wrote: »
    Noooooooooooo! Old cars are not safe!

    If you want a safe car buy something as new as possible with a 5 star euroNCAP rating, even the smallest new car is far far safer than an old volvo or merc.

    if you don't believe me, have a look at this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBDyeWofcLY

    I have been in old tanks in a crash and I was the least injured and car was even driveable.

    Try a newer old barge then.

    Anyway it is ths physcology of it.
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