From what you say it sounds doubtful that he would be open to any suggestion that he cool it with his new girlfriend and it may not be helpful if he did because she seems to calm him.
Sounds like the loss of mum has rocked everything so its not just grief that the kids are dealing with but the change in the family dynamic too.
I'm a bit stumped to be honest as it really doesnt sound like new gf is the main issue, more how relationships have changed within the family. Perhaps bereavement counselling would be useful but only if dad plays a part in this too but the crux will be if he accepts that the counselling isnt just about dealing with his loss (which may not be so acute now he has his new relationship) but also about his changing role and helping his kids through it all.
Are there any other close family members that could become involved in helping deal with what is happening..an aunt or a grandparent perhaps....even new girlfriend who he is likely to listen to. Perhaps getting her on side might be the way through?
I definitely think that getting to know the new girlfriend would be the way to go. But it's easier for me. As much as I loved my bf's mother, she was like a second mother to me, but she wasnt MY mother, I was only fortunate enough to have her in my life for a few years so it's obviously much harder on her kids. My desire is to get to know the new gf more especially since I started to notice that he was easier to handle when she was around, he was more of his old self, he wont behave badly if she is there. From what he says, she is on the kids sides too, she sounds like she wants to take it slowly and carefully but he is the one who wants to jump in with both feet first.
I just feel I need to be careful too because my bfs sister is super sensitive and she's very close to me. I want to spend time with her dads new gf, and I do intend to, but I feel like I need to tread carefully because I dont want to upset my bfs sister and I dont want her to think I am being disloyal to her. I'm trying to slowly get her used to the idea of a new woman being around but she doesnt like it at all. I'm hoping it will get better as time goes by but I fear that she will isolate herself from her dad and his gf and that when the day comes that he does move out it will go one of two ways - it will either get worse and she wont see him because she wont want to see the girlfriend, or it will get better as it will be easier once they live apart. Hopefully it will be the latter.
There arent really any other family members who live locally at all. Everybody is far away and only seen once in a blue moon. That probably makes it worse because the family unit feels so small. There are just SO many changes going on now that there's a lot to get used to, a lot of different things to deal with at once.
I'm a fan of counselling so I'd love to recommend it to my bfs dad but I don't think there's any chance in hell that he'd agree to it, he is as stubborn as they come!
Just looking for some advice from someone who has perhaps been in a similar situation.
I've been with my boyfriend a good few years now and I'm very close to his family. Last year, his mum got diagnosed with a brain tumour and was given six months to live. It all came literally out of nowhere and was a total shock. She was in and out of hospital for months and eventually moved back home where we cared for her 24/7 until she died in February of this year.
Now my boyfriend's dad has a new girlfriend. He started dating people he met online in May/June but it wasn't serious, it was just one night stands and random dates mainly. But now he's with someone he's been with for three months and he's treating it as a very serious relationship. She has met all the family - my boyfriend and his siblings and me as well - and it went ok ish but obviously it has been difficult for my bf and his siblings to accept that their dad has moved on, is in love with a new woman, and wants to spend a lot of time with her. My bfs sister in particular finds it hard because her mum was her best friend and she thinks its too soon for a new woman to be on the scene and sees it as a replacement of her mother.
My bf and I often find ourselves caught in the middle We are older than his siblings so we sort of find it easier to get on with his dad and his gf but the younger siblings are very black and white and refuse to compromise. But obviously I understand why they dont want to cos this is a massive thing. Unfortunately their dad isnt very understanding and wants his gf to become a proper part of the family which his kids arent happy about.
Sorry its so long, I just need to talk about it to somebody who is not involved. I'm trying to support everybody - my bf, his siblings, and his dad too - but its hard when they all want different things. If anybody had some advice on how to deal with this or good tips on things I could try to make the transition easier or even just a story of how this worked out for them in the past then I'd really appreciate that...
My friends mum had a boyfriend of 15 years or so.. and she was diagnosed with lung cancer, she was given 6 months to live also. To cut a long story short obviously she did die within that time frame, and 1 month later he went to "visit" a friend in England, a woman,
2-3 months later it come out he was dating her, my friend was raging!! he said they were pals and that he could talk to her. Ended up 5 months later they are engaged! My friend was bealing, he was her dad for years and couldn't believe the way he was acting (in her mind disrespecting her mums memory) sleeping with the new gf in her mums bed.
Although i don't have any advice as my friend ended up cutting ties with him, think it just hurt her so much as he didn't seem to grieve just went along to the next.
But maybe that was his way of dealing with his loss, i don't know but everybody acts differently.
I was a bit concerned at how the OP's grounds kept shifting, and so I had a look at her (I'm assuming the OP is female) profile and posting history; just the threads she's opened. I'll paste in the URLs, but I'm not sure whether my method works.
I'm not trying to form any conclusions here, just drawing attention to what I see as inconsistencies.
What are the inconsistencies? The only thing that doesnt add up is the son and I didnt post that, I allowed my friend to post using my account.
I dont really like your post, I'm becoming uncomfortable with the amount of personal information that is all in one place... I know that people reveal a lot on a forum but it's normally spread all over the place, you've gathered it all into one post for me. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
What are the inconsistencies? The only thing that doesnt add up is the son and I didnt post that, I allowed my friend to post using my account.
I dont really like your post, I'm becoming uncomfortable with the amount of personal information that is all in one place... I know that people reveal a lot on a forum but it's normally spread all over the place, you've gathered it all into one post for me. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
The poster has not revealed anything that is out there for other people to find and I am pretty sure that there are other people doing the same thing.
Its catch 22, you want useful advise then you are going to have to be personal in your posts, its your choice.
What are the inconsistencies? The only thing that doesnt add up is the son and I didnt post that, I allowed my friend to post using my account.
I dont really like your post, I'm becoming uncomfortable with the amount of personal information that is all in one place... I know that people reveal a lot on a forum but it's normally spread all over the place, you've gathered it all into one post for me. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
And maybe I'm being paranoid, but my post seems to have disappeared.
I was actually drafting a reply to try to help with the OP's problem, as many others have done, when I realised that I didn't actually know what the problem was. Going back to read the original post, then subsequent ones, I realised that not only did the nature of the problem seemed to change over time, but that the "solution" was already inherent in one of the posts - about taking time until it was accepted that it was ok to stay over. That's my interpretation, anyway.
As is often the case, looking at an FM's previous posts can be informative, though in this case I looked only at threads started by the OP. These showed, out of the few I looked at, the inconsistencies I listed. In view of the number of posts the FM's made, it would take a long time to read individual posts, but I suspect these could reveal other inconsistencies.
I was actually drafting a reply to try to help with the OP's problem, as many others have done, when I realised that I didn't actually know what the problem was. Going back to read the original post, then subsequent ones, I realised that not only did the nature of the problem seemed to change over time, but that the "solution" was already inherent in one of the posts - about taking time until it was accepted that it was ok to stay over. That's my interpretation, anyway.
I'm not sure what you mean when you say the problem keeps changing. I was never looking for a solution. I was just looking for someone who had been through a similar situation to say "it's ok, it will work out in the end" or maybe, if I was really lucky, offer a tiny bit of advice. So I just gave a generalised summary of what I thought the problem was in my initial post. Obviously if I am questionned further (and to the extent that I was) then other problems are going to come out of the woodwork. It's an incredibly complicated situation, it's not one problem, black and white, simple as that, it's a family dynamic and life changes that are going on here so it's very tangled and complicated, so sorry if I'm only supposed to stick to one problem in my thread and not answer the questions other posters are asking me
The poster has not revealed anything that is out there for other people to find and I am pretty sure that there are other people doing the same thing.
Its catch 22, you want useful advise then you are going to have to be personal in your posts, its your choice.
Yes, you are right. I just didn't want all of that stuff posted on this thread. What if somebody read that, realised it was me, and then went through this thread to see what I had written about them? This is an advice forum, I came here from advice, I don't expect to be attacked and criticised for previous posts that are irrelevant to the discussion.
I definitely think that getting to know the new girlfriend would be the way to go. But it's easier for me. As much as I loved my bf's mother, she was like a second mother to me, but she wasnt MY mother, I was only fortunate enough to have her in my life for a few years so it's obviously much harder on her kids. My desire is to get to know the new gf more especially since I started to notice that he was easier to handle when she was around, he was more of his old self, he wont behave badly if she is there. From what he says, she is on the kids sides too, she sounds like she wants to take it slowly and carefully but he is the one who wants to jump in with both feet first.
I just feel I need to be careful too because my bfs sister is super sensitive and she's very close to me. I want to spend time with her dads new gf, and I do intend to, but I feel like I need to tread carefully because I dont want to upset my bfs sister and I dont want her to think I am being disloyal to her. I'm trying to slowly get her used to the idea of a new woman being around but she doesnt like it at all. I'm hoping it will get better as time goes by but I fear that she will isolate herself from her dad and his gf and that when the day comes that he does move out it will go one of two ways - it will either get worse and she wont see him because she wont want to see the girlfriend, or it will get better as it will be easier once they live apart. Hopefully it will be the latter.
There arent really any other family members who live locally at all. Everybody is far away and only seen once in a blue moon. That probably makes it worse because the family unit feels so small. There are just SO many changes going on now that there's a lot to get used to, a lot of different things to deal with at once.
I'm a fan of counselling so I'd love to recommend it to my bfs dad but I don't think there's any chance in hell that he'd agree to it, he is as stubborn as they come!
Looks like it is down to you and dads gf sleepy from what you say.....from my perspective you are already doing everything you can. Dad's gf sounds like a sensitive, sensible sort of person and you are doing as much as you can to support the family. Is there any chance of persuading bf's sister to go for some counselling as she sounds like she is struggling to deal with things more than any other person from what you have said.
Oh and just ignore the others.....too much time on their hands. You asked for advice, thats what you will get.
Yes, you are right. I just didn't want all of that stuff posted on this thread. What if somebody read that, realised it was me, and then went through this thread to see what I had written about them? This is an advice forum, I came here from advice, I don't expect to be attacked and criticised for previous posts that are irrelevant to the discussion.
I'm not sure how they'd read it ( all that stuff ) if they weren't reading the thread in the first instance. So posting it could hardly cause anyone to read the thread.
Anyway, if I've doubted you unduly, then you have my wholehearted apology. It's just that a lot of people have gone to a lot of trouble to reply to you, I'd hate to think it was all a wind-up.
That's one reason why it's in the general interest that old postings are available and searchable, it makes it easier to detect them.
Since the thread is kinda coming to a close, I just want to say thank you to everybody who has attempted to offer me advice as I do really appreciate it
Since the thread is kinda coming to a close, I just want to say thank you to everybody who has attempted to offer me advice as I do really appreciate it
Good luck sleepy....hope it all improves for your bf's family
Since the thread is kinda coming to a close, I just want to say thank you to everybody who has attempted to offer me advice as I do really appreciate it
All the best and I hope things work out for you and your BFs family.
Comments
I definitely think that getting to know the new girlfriend would be the way to go. But it's easier for me. As much as I loved my bf's mother, she was like a second mother to me, but she wasnt MY mother, I was only fortunate enough to have her in my life for a few years so it's obviously much harder on her kids. My desire is to get to know the new gf more especially since I started to notice that he was easier to handle when she was around, he was more of his old self, he wont behave badly if she is there. From what he says, she is on the kids sides too, she sounds like she wants to take it slowly and carefully but he is the one who wants to jump in with both feet first.
I just feel I need to be careful too because my bfs sister is super sensitive and she's very close to me. I want to spend time with her dads new gf, and I do intend to, but I feel like I need to tread carefully because I dont want to upset my bfs sister and I dont want her to think I am being disloyal to her. I'm trying to slowly get her used to the idea of a new woman being around but she doesnt like it at all. I'm hoping it will get better as time goes by but I fear that she will isolate herself from her dad and his gf and that when the day comes that he does move out it will go one of two ways - it will either get worse and she wont see him because she wont want to see the girlfriend, or it will get better as it will be easier once they live apart. Hopefully it will be the latter.
There arent really any other family members who live locally at all. Everybody is far away and only seen once in a blue moon. That probably makes it worse because the family unit feels so small. There are just SO many changes going on now that there's a lot to get used to, a lot of different things to deal with at once.
I'm a fan of counselling so I'd love to recommend it to my bfs dad but I don't think there's any chance in hell that he'd agree to it, he is as stubborn as they come!
My friends mum had a boyfriend of 15 years or so.. and she was diagnosed with lung cancer, she was given 6 months to live also. To cut a long story short obviously she did die within that time frame, and 1 month later he went to "visit" a friend in England, a woman,
2-3 months later it come out he was dating her, my friend was raging!! he said they were pals and that he could talk to her. Ended up 5 months later they are engaged! My friend was bealing, he was her dad for years and couldn't believe the way he was acting (in her mind disrespecting her mums memory) sleeping with the new gf in her mums bed.
Although i don't have any advice as my friend ended up cutting ties with him, think it just hurt her so much as he didn't seem to grieve just went along to the next.
But maybe that was his way of dealing with his loss, i don't know but everybody acts differently.
What are the inconsistencies? The only thing that doesnt add up is the son and I didnt post that, I allowed my friend to post using my account.
I dont really like your post, I'm becoming uncomfortable with the amount of personal information that is all in one place... I know that people reveal a lot on a forum but it's normally spread all over the place, you've gathered it all into one post for me. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
The poster has not revealed anything that is out there for other people to find and I am pretty sure that there are other people doing the same thing.
Its catch 22, you want useful advise then you are going to have to be personal in your posts, its your choice.
And maybe I'm being paranoid, but my post seems to have disappeared.
I was actually drafting a reply to try to help with the OP's problem, as many others have done, when I realised that I didn't actually know what the problem was. Going back to read the original post, then subsequent ones, I realised that not only did the nature of the problem seemed to change over time, but that the "solution" was already inherent in one of the posts - about taking time until it was accepted that it was ok to stay over. That's my interpretation, anyway.
As is often the case, looking at an FM's previous posts can be informative, though in this case I looked only at threads started by the OP. These showed, out of the few I looked at, the inconsistencies I listed. In view of the number of posts the FM's made, it would take a long time to read individual posts, but I suspect these could reveal other inconsistencies.
In my opinion
Now could I have my post back, please?
I'm not sure what you mean when you say the problem keeps changing.
Yes, you are right. I just didn't want all of that stuff posted on this thread. What if somebody read that, realised it was me, and then went through this thread to see what I had written about them?
Looks like it is down to you and dads gf sleepy from what you say.....from my perspective you are already doing everything you can. Dad's gf sounds like a sensitive, sensible sort of person and you are doing as much as you can to support the family. Is there any chance of persuading bf's sister to go for some counselling as she sounds like she is struggling to deal with things more than any other person from what you have said.
Oh and just ignore the others.....too much time on their hands. You asked for advice, thats what you will get.
I'm not sure how they'd read it ( all that stuff ) if they weren't reading the thread in the first instance. So posting it could hardly cause anyone to read the thread.
Anyway, if I've doubted you unduly, then you have my wholehearted apology. It's just that a lot of people have gone to a lot of trouble to reply to you, I'd hate to think it was all a wind-up.
That's one reason why it's in the general interest that old postings are available and searchable, it makes it easier to detect them.
Since the thread is kinda coming to a close, I just want to say thank you to everybody who has attempted to offer me advice as I do really appreciate it
Good luck sleepy....hope it all improves for your bf's family
All the best and I hope things work out for you and your BFs family.