Dealing with a dad's new gf after mum died
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Just looking for some advice from someone who has perhaps been in a similar situation.
I've been with my boyfriend a good few years now and I'm very close to his family. Last year, his mum got diagnosed with a brain tumour and was given six months to live. It all came literally out of nowhere and was a total shock. She was in and out of hospital for months and eventually moved back home where we cared for her 24/7 until she died in February of this year.
Now my boyfriend's dad has a new girlfriend. He started dating people he met online in May/June but it wasn't serious, it was just one night stands and random dates mainly. But now he's with someone he's been with for three months and he's treating it as a very serious relationship. She has met all the family - my boyfriend and his siblings and me as well - and it went ok ish but obviously it has been difficult for my bf and his siblings to accept that their dad has moved on, is in love with a new woman, and wants to spend a lot of time with her. My bfs sister in particular finds it hard because her mum was her best friend and she thinks its too soon for a new woman to be on the scene and sees it as a replacement of her mother.
My bf and I often find ourselves caught in the middle
We are older than his siblings so we sort of find it easier to get on with his dad and his gf but the younger siblings are very black and white and refuse to compromise. But obviously I understand why they dont want to cos this is a massive thing. Unfortunately their dad isnt very understanding and wants his gf to become a proper part of the family which his kids arent happy about.
Sorry its so long, I just need to talk about it to somebody who is not involved. I'm trying to support everybody - my bf, his siblings, and his dad too - but its hard when they all want different things. If anybody had some advice on how to deal with this or good tips on things I could try to make the transition easier or even just a story of how this worked out for them in the past then I'd really appreciate that...
I've been with my boyfriend a good few years now and I'm very close to his family. Last year, his mum got diagnosed with a brain tumour and was given six months to live. It all came literally out of nowhere and was a total shock. She was in and out of hospital for months and eventually moved back home where we cared for her 24/7 until she died in February of this year.
Now my boyfriend's dad has a new girlfriend. He started dating people he met online in May/June but it wasn't serious, it was just one night stands and random dates mainly. But now he's with someone he's been with for three months and he's treating it as a very serious relationship. She has met all the family - my boyfriend and his siblings and me as well - and it went ok ish but obviously it has been difficult for my bf and his siblings to accept that their dad has moved on, is in love with a new woman, and wants to spend a lot of time with her. My bfs sister in particular finds it hard because her mum was her best friend and she thinks its too soon for a new woman to be on the scene and sees it as a replacement of her mother.
My bf and I often find ourselves caught in the middle
We are older than his siblings so we sort of find it easier to get on with his dad and his gf but the younger siblings are very black and white and refuse to compromise. But obviously I understand why they dont want to cos this is a massive thing. Unfortunately their dad isnt very understanding and wants his gf to become a proper part of the family which his kids arent happy about.Sorry its so long, I just need to talk about it to somebody who is not involved. I'm trying to support everybody - my bf, his siblings, and his dad too - but its hard when they all want different things. If anybody had some advice on how to deal with this or good tips on things I could try to make the transition easier or even just a story of how this worked out for them in the past then I'd really appreciate that...
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Your boyfriend's dad hasn't moved on at all. In fact he's deeply sad. He's desperately missing his wife and he's trying to 'make it like it was' but he doesn't quite know how. So he's reaching out. As I say, it's not that uncommon - think 'Paul McCartney'.
Please try to make your boyfriend's family see that this is not disrespectful to their mum. My own mother-in-law (wise woman) used to say that only happily married men are desperate to repeat the experience. And so it turned out with my father-in-law.
If your boyfriend's family can see that it is their father's unhappiness that is driving him, they will be so much more able to support him through this. His choice of partner may well be very unsuitable in their eyes (again, think Paul McCartney) but they need to support him because his need to 'make things better' is not the same thing as replacing their mother.
Best wishes to you all. It's a hard time.
Had an Aunt whose husband died and then started dating husbands best friend within four months. Lots of rumour kicked off (they lived in small village) that perhaps it had been going on before the husband had died. Was silly really as aunt had been devoted to husband and they had been married over thirty years. She just could not face living alone.
The way I see it, it's a tribute to their mum that there dad was so happy with her that he wants to find someone to share his life with. It would not matter if it was the day after the funeral to ten years down the line, no one is ever going to be good enough to replace "mum" and it is always painful. They have to respect dad's wishes as well as honour the memories they have had. Everybody is going to have to give and take a little here if they want to be happy perhaps arranging special dinners on mums birthday, anniversary etc. The tact to take with Dad is that children are still grieving and need time and maybe he can give a little if only to make it more comfortable for new girlfriend (if she cannot pick up on the atmosphere then quite frankly I would be concerned). Dad needs to understand that children are concerned as mum asked them to look after him and that he should agree to perhaps meet once in a while without girlfriend.
As for the rules then whoever organises the arrangement gets the final say on if girlfriend comes no arguments and if dad chooses not to come if girlfriend cannot then so be it. As long as she is included some of the time he may come round.
I would also make sure I wasn't the one passing messages between everybody (a sure fire way for you to get a headache). If someone says can you tell him, or starts having a moan just say well you will have to speak to so and so I am not taking sides and everybody is allowed their own opinion. You cannot broker the peace between them they have to communicate with each other for that.
If you can bring yourself to do it then it would be good to perhaps get to know the girlfriend without the dad being around perhaps by arranging to go out for coffee on neutral ground.
Good luck
She died after a long illness, and, though I really went through it for the first week or so, I'd done all my grieving before she died. So when the end came, it was almost a relief - she's now out of pain and I'm glad. I'm also glad that she went before I did - I hate the thought of her going through what I did.
We spoke often about "what if", and all she wanted was for me to be happy. She was like that. Why, years ago when we saw a lawyer about our wills, she had it put in that she wanted me to move on and find someone else, as "He's a really good catch". So, I'm dating again, and I'm doing exactly what she wanted me to do. (Sometimes I feel she's looking down on me and saying, "No, not her, try her" lol.)
What I'm saying, OP, is that it's your BF's Mum and Dad's business, and no-one else's. For all you know, they might have spoken to each other along similar lines - you don't know different. His Dad needs the support of his family, and they need to help, not hinder. I know mine are.
My bf and I realise that he hasn't completely moved on. We know he still misses his wife, we know it's still tough for him. We know that this dating thing was driven not by the desire to move on and get over his wife but by the desire to get companionship back and have some company and not feel so lonely all the time. We know he's fed up and bored and miserable and that this is a sort of light in his life again, something that makes things easier.
My bfs sister said the other day that although she knows he is not replacing her mum, the fact is that he lost a partner and now he has a new partner. She even feels some sort of jealousy because she will never have a mother again but he WILL have a partner again and maybe even a wife again. And she feels that it's "not right" that while the rest of us are still mourning (and we know he is still grieving too) he is feeling happy again, he has got those feelings that you get at the start of a relationship, and he has even admitted that he is crazy in love with his new gf and that he is feeling happy for the first time in a long time. So although his kids partially feel that yes he should be happy again and it's good that he has somebody in his life who makes him feel like that - it's still upsetting that he is able to feel like that when the rest of us cant. And it's upsetting that he wants to bring the new gf into the home that he shared with his wife when the kids arent completely ready for that.
We have tried to tell my bfs sister that she is not betraying her mum, she's not being disloyal or doing anything wrong. But she still says everytime she spends time with her dad and his gf, she comes home and cries all night, cries herself to sleep because she feels so guilty and she cant shake that feeling. We've tried to talk to her about it but she still feels this way. I know there's no easy solution but I dont know what there is, if anything, we can do to help her move on. It's making her not want to spend any time with the new gf at all and that upsets her dad.
We do know that my bfs mum told my bfs dad that he must move on when he is ready. And we also know he is ready, not necessarily to move on but to date again.
But I disagree when you say that it's nobody else's business. My bf and I live with my bfs dad and my bfs siblings. It's the home that my bfs dad and his wife and the children shared for nearly 25 years. My boyfriends younger siblings are aged 19-21. They are not ready for a new woman to be in their home. Their dad might be ready but it is not only his home, it's his kids home too. It still has the belongings of his wife all over the place. The master bedroom has their photographs on the walls.
If my bfs dad lived alone then the situation would be slightly different but he doesnt, he has children living with him. They have agreed that his gf can come and spend time in the house but they are unwilling for her to sleep over because they see the master bedroom as their mums bedroom. Particularly as it was redecorated while their mum was ill to her specifications and it is the room that she died in only months ago. They are not willing to let their dads gf sleep over in that room because as far as they are concerned it is their mothers bedroom.
Thanks for the advice. So far it has been pretty difficult but it is still very early days. All of us are willing to get to know the new gf (I hate referring to her as that but it seems easiest for the purpose of this thread!) except for my bfs sister who does not want to get to know her. She has even said that she likes the gf but she doesnt want to get to know her better incase she warms to her even more because that will worsen her guilt. She just hates the whole situation and isn't ready for it at all. I think my bf and I are going to try and get to know his dads gf some more and spend more time with the two of them - but at the moment it looks like it will just be us as his siblings probably wont be joining us except on the odd occasion when their father guilt trips them into making an appearance.
That brought a tear to my eye.
I'm the same age as you and will celebrate our 40th anniversary in a few weeks.
I know i'de struggle to live by myself, I like have a woman next to me.
Good luck mate, I hope everything goes well:):)
OK. Yes, we know he is an adult and we have accepted that he needs to have other adult friends and he deserves to be happy.
But we still have all of the problems, as detailed in my first reply to your post, to deal with
Forgot to say, sorry about your wife and thank you for the advice.
Oh dear they miss their mum. Of course the do.
I honestly don't know what to advise for best.
I can only suggest quiet love and support all round.
Nothing will replace these girls' mother but time (cliche though it be) will heal. Meanwhile, perhaps their dad might do well to remember that he's not the only one grieving here and that he needs to be a little sensitive to his daughter's needs - but I don't know who is best placed to gently suggest this.
Perhaps your boyfriend and his adult siblings ought to be looking for their own accommodation rather than dictating to their father who he can have round to stay in his own home?
Its taken 10 years for us to accept him, its a long slow road. What makes it harder in your case is they still live in the same house.
In the end, the turning point was when we realised this new guy was actually good for my mum, then we accepted him, but it took years.
A point will come when your b/f wants his dad to be happy, and hopefully will realise the new woman is the person to do this. Then things will look a bit rosier.
I think that the father is actually being quite selfish because as well as losing his wife, his kids have lost their mum. It sounds to me like he is just considering how he feels and his role as a dad supporting his kids through the loss of their mum is sidetracked. It is lovely he has found someone, but he needs to be a lot more sensitive about his children's feelings.
I remember being very upset one year because it was mum's anniversary and dad said something about it not being appropriate for him to remember it because he was remarried. I remember saying to him "you may have found a new wife, buy you are still my dad and I need your support." I think it hit home because he was a lot more sensitive after that.
Sorry to sound harsh but your bf's father seems to be surrounded by young adults who should be concentrating on their own lives and not scrutinising his.
I don't know what to advise because what's needed is a complete shift in thinking of the 'younger' siblings (I assumed they were 12 or something, not young adults). Perhaps it would help them to know that this is very common behaviour perticularly amongst bereaved men and it's a compliment to their mother that their dad wants another partner.
Would you seriously all prefer it if he mourned forever more? Why dont you all try to feel a bit glad for him that he has found some happiness. He has been through a horrible thing, something none of us really want to even think about and has come out the other end. Noone can dictate how long another persons grief must last, its a personal thing and he has the right to do that as he feels he must.
He has met someone who is giving him help and support through that process who he has become fond of.....its his way of dealing with it and slowly building himself a possible future.
Its his home more than it is the rest of the family who are all virtually grown up and will be moving on with their lives, with their partners. All of the rest of you are entitled to deal with your grief as you see fit so let dad do the same and try to be happy for him.
A very close friend of mine has just lost her boyfriend to cancer last friday aged 33 and I so hope for her that she ultimately finds a way to deal with it, but in the meantime she cries, smiles, snaps at people and does crazy, silly things which not everyone understands but its what she needs to do. People are entitled to their own grief and they are also entitled to move on when they are ready. Its personal not for the rest of you to approve of his behaviour.
These young adults have just lost their mother and have their own grief to deal with.
As the OP has said, the father can get married again if he wants to, nothing will replace the mother of course, but can have that relationship again.
They can't.
I'm sure they would love to be pleased for their father in the long run but for them it is too soon to have this new woman who they are expected to embrace and have sleeping over in their mother's bedroom.
It's not just the father who has lost someone. They have too.
Sure they could just move out, but that's not going to help them adjust any sooner, it's still going to be hard for them to see their father with another woman and remind them of what they lost.
They won't be emotionally ready for this.
That's not to say the man can't date or have relationships but just not expect his kids to be ready to accept this new "family" member right away.
I am not saying he should not have a relationship, of course not, but he has to realise that it has only been months since his wife died and his kids are still grieving.
Of course he is still a dad, having a new partner doesnt change that and I hadnt read anywhere in the OP post that he was failing as a father. He wants his new partner to be a part of their lives so he is being inclusive with his new relationship not exclusive (as in gadding about with his new partner ignoring his kids).
What's the alternative.....he misses out on an opportunity for future happiness because his kids think he is too happy and should be more miserable. They are adults and dont have the right to interfere with his relationship any more than he has the right to interfere with any they have. None of it affects their direct relationship with dad.
I just dont see why he should modify his behaviour which will make him unhappy because they want him to be a tad more miserable.
Perhaps he has realised through his loss how precious life is and how fleeting it is and in that regard is simply going for it:)
There is no right or wrong in this situation and I am sorry for the loss everyone in this thread has suffered, but whilst the grief is not solely his, his life certainly is and he has to respected and allowed to do what he feels right. I think the thing that is important is that this doesn't cause a rift and the best way to avoid this is open communication between everyone.
They don't want him to be miserable, they are just not ready for the whole "getting to know the new girlfriend" part themselves.
That's how I am reading it anyway.
I would imagine the kids are emotionally drained.
It's not even been a year since their mother passed away.
And now their father wants them to accept this new person into the family.
He doesn't have to "miss out" on his own relationship, he just needs to be more understanding of his kids concerns.
Maybe he could stay the night at her place for example?
Maybe she doesn't have to come to every family event just yet?
It's not a huge sacrifice on his part and in fairness the girlfriend should be understanding of that, It's not a reflection on her, just the situation.
I have to agree with you, they do not have any right to dictate who sleeps in their Dad's bedroom. Maybe for them to move out would be best.
When my Mother died just before their 40th wedding anniversary, my father was looking for someone else within a couple of months. It was no disrespect to my Mum, he was lonely and had just retired and wanted someone to look afetr him.
If the truth be told we were happy for him to find a new companion, it took the pressure off the three of us
He did remarry a friend of our Mum. The agreed when either of them died everything went to their blood relations and they left nothing to each other..
With respect though Fredster I suspect you were a fair bit older than the 19/21 year-olds we are talking about here and did not live at home. I coped a lot better with my Dad's new relationship because I was 32 and not living at home but my 22 year old brother who was found it terribly hard. It seems to me that age and proximity is an issue in this case.
I was going to respond to Taglet but you have said what I was going to say!