Here are my reasons.
1. I am not trained, I don't know how to look after old people..
2. What good is it for them to sit in my house all day not going out and not talking to people? They would be happier if they could socialise when other old people in an enviroment that has the traning and ability to care for them properly.
Kind of the same thing with my parents. My Grandmother hasn't gotten to that stage yet, but already my own mother is adamant that neither me or my sister should sacrifice our lives for her. Which is fair enough, I guess. Unfortunately I can see myself becoming frustrated and resentful if I was forced to look after her... our relationship has always been strained as it is. I'd hate to be 'relieved' by her death and it'd be awful if I'd end up hating her because of it.
I think that's pretty much the situation with my mum and her parents these days. They have a carer that goes in three times a day to get them up, give them dinner and put them to bed, but my mum has to go up for at least 2 hours a day, 7 days a week to do laundry, etc. They also ring her at least once a day, usually more. On top of that, me and my brother pitch in doing odd jobs, gardening, whatever. It doesn't sound too bad but you can see it grinding my mum down. She's an only child so has no one else to share the burden and my grandparents think that, as she doesn't work, she is on hand for them at the drop of a hat - there's hell to pay if she wants a holiday as alternative arrangements have to be made. As much as she doesn't want them to go into a home there may well come a point where it's just impossible for them to be kept in their own house and I can't see my mum letting them move in with her as she would never get a minute off.
Here are my reasons.
1. I am not trained, I don't know how to look after old people..
2. What good is it for them to sit in my house all day not going out and not talking to people? They would be happier if they could socialise when other old people in an enviroment that has the traning and ability to care for them properly.
Good points.
I couldn't care for my parents and they wouldnt want/expect me to either.
We all looked after my grandfather for two years after my grandmother died. It was very difficult - holidays were not an option and social lives went out the window too. Our lives literally revolved around him. Eventually he required too much care and we all worked so there was nobody to look after him. Nobody could afford to stop working and stay at home with him and we had no intentions of doing that either. Three years ago we moved him into a nursing home.
Care homes get a lot of bad press but his is great. The staff are amazing - I have SO much respect for them. They work for nothing and make such a difference to these peoples lives. There are a lot of residents in the home who never get visits from their families but we visit three times a week. We used to have him home once a week but now his mobility is too poor and it's too risky frankly.
My dad says if he ever gets to that stage shoot him. Both my parents joke about it but I am prepared for the possibility that one day I may have to put them in a home and I know they wouldnt hold that against me. They would rather that I was able to live my own life than giving it all up to look after them.
If I ever have children myself; I wouldnt allow them to care for me; I would want to be put in a nursing home if it came to it. They are the young ones; I want them to live their lives; not be held up and restricted by somebody who will die in a few years anyway. If I have children it is because I want to be a mother and experience the happiness that will bring me - I don't have children so that they will look after me when I'm old. I'm selfish in the sense that I don't want to look after my own parents but I'm not so selfish that I would expect my own kids to give up their lives and devote themself to me.
Of course I would look after my parents, 100% without a doubt, no matter what the circumstances or hard it was. I would try my very best, no matter how hard it got.
I'm not so sure about my in-laws though. :rolleyes:
Oooh, what a difficult question - my mum is registered disabled and so very reliant on my dad so if anything were to happen to him she would need an awful lot of support, and she's not old, she's just 63.
I don't know whether she'd appreciate being 'looked after' by us tbh - she is fiercely independent (though obviously there is a lot she can't do without support). I guess my point is that even now she needs someone to 'look after her' though she also does a lot and gives a lot back so I think if she did need to move in with us it would be very much a two way thing.
Even now she does my ironing (sitting down as she struggles to walk and stand for any period of time), cooks amazing food, and has time for my kids without having a hundred and one other things to do instead! So while she may not be able to 'look after herself' there are a lot of things she can do.
If she became immobile, bedridden and lost her marbles? Yes, I'd probably still want to look after her simply because I can't imagine her ever not being able to give more back than she receives.
I know I've used my mum as the example here - simply because she would I think need more assistance than my dad - but the same goes for him, they both give us a family so much I can't imagine not wanting to give that back.
Though to be honest I am the most selfish and impatient person I know so I can't see I'd be particularly good in such a caring role!!
i dunno
im 29 and my folks are early 70s/ late60s if something happened to them and i had to look after them i think i'd feel pretty selfish that i havent lived
but well who knows whats gonna happen
I hate to say it, but I could not do it.
A few years ago I would not have hesitated to say that I would look after my parents right to the end through anything, but after seeing it first hand with my parents looking after my grandmother and how it almost destroyed them I would not do it now.
For everything that my parents have done for me I would GLADLY look after them if they needed it.
However,both my parents are in their mid 70's now and are as fit as fiddles! In fact,my dad who is 76 next month still plays badminton and squash and referees sunday league football matches.
I hope I am as active as my dad when/if I reach the age of 76.
My parents would prefer to be in a home they wouldn't want me looking after them I think they'd find it patronising they'd rather be independent as possible. I'd have them living with me if they asked though
It isn't an easy decision and one I'd hate to have to make. The option of making it was taken from me. I lost my father when I was 21 and my mother when I was 38.
I do know friends and relatives who have done so and it has been difficult for all of them, although for some the ordeal of nursing through an illness has been shorter. One friend nursed her mother through Alzheimers and lost her husband and her own health as a result.
Another nursed her husband through cancer. Others have hads their parent live with them and remain fit until a heart attack/massive stroke. In these cases care is feasible - with other conditions it isn't.
It is nice to look after them when they are reasonably fit and well, but when their needs are many - especially such as dementia or motor neurone - it is very difficult to run a home of your own and care for them. Care is 24/7 and many family carers of these dreadful diseases die before their patients - due to stress and other factors.
A few of us here know one lady who did right by her ailing parent and only outlived her by about 3 months.
Or do you think it is too difficult a task and would consider putting them in a nursing home? Are we too quick to let other people take care of our elderly parents? Do we not value the elderly enough?
I like to think that I would look after mine but I don't know, it is a big responsibility.
My parents had the kindness to die young and not be a burden on me. I intend to follow their example and not be a burden on anyone else should I become infirm. Too much is made of living for living's sake. I have no desire to moulder away in a home or even in my own home.
The problem for the future is that we will be faced with the prospect of the elderly looking after the elderly. Euthanasia as an option is, in my opinion, inevitable.
A few of us here know one lady who did right by her ailing parent and only outlived her by about 3 months.
LK Still seems so wrong.
We chose the house we have now based on its adaptability. There's an outbuilding we can easily convert to make it part of our house, but still independent for my parents if they need it.
I've talked to my mum about it, and she's insistent that if it got to the point where I was having to undertake 'intimate' duties, she'd want a carer instead. She's said I can do everything else, but she'd feel undignified if it was a member of the family taking care of her.
I used to work in an old people's hospice and know that they are cared for very well in those places (usually) by people committed to the job so I wouldn't feel that I was just getting rid of them.
Having seen the news earlier this week when a man had filmed careworkers abusing his mother in her own home there is no way I'd let someone I didn't know look after my parents.
Sorry, but do you think the 99.9% of homes where this sort of thing doesn't happen would really make the news? It's typical of television. You hear stories of dodgy politicians, bent cops, serial killer doctors, paedophile teachers - the people who are really great at their jobs just don't get a look in. In my opinion, it's similar to the drug trial story in the news at the moment - don't let one story cloud your judgement and form biased opinions against a whole workforce.
I spent 3 years working in a residential care home, and let me tell you - the families of the residents, as well as the residents themselves, were eternally grateful as we could provide the type of care that the family simply could not provide. I have now progressed to working in Social Services, and believe me, we have more cases of abuse from family members than we do in care homes - whether it's financial, emotional, physical, or even sexual.
Don't let one bad story make you think every carer is a bad person. Most of us are in it because we care .
Sorry, but do you think the 99.9% of homes where this sort of thing doesn't happen would really make the news? It's typical of television. You hear stories of dodgy politicians, bent cops, serial killer doctors, paedophile teachers - the people who are really great at their jobs just don't get a look in. In my opinion, it's similar to the drug trial story in the news at the moment - don't let one story cloud your judgement and form biased opinions against a whole workforce.
I spent 3 years working in a residential care home, and let me tell you - the families of the residents, as well as the residents themselves, were eternally grateful as we could provide the type of care that the family simply could not provide. I have now progressed to working in Social Services, and believe me, we have more cases of abuse from family members than we do in care homes - whether it's financial, emotional, physical, or even sexual.
Don't let one bad story make you think every carer is a bad person. Most of us are in it because we care .
I agree. It is after all only one story out of thousands. What many don't realise, until they come to try to do it themselves, is that it is very hard to provide all their needs, especially when they have a multitude of health problems.
I think it will be quite some years before my parents need the kind of care discussed here but they are for various reasons not in a position to care for my mother's parents. My grandparents are 87 and 86, they have been very able to care for themselves up to this point but we are noticing that their mobility is reducing, their memories are less clear (especially short-term) and they just generally seem more vulnerable. At the moment I am a stay-at-home mum, it's 2 1/2 years before my youngest goes to school and I was planning to resume a career at that point but it's becoming clearer that if we are lucky enough to still have them around by then I need to be prepared to take care of my grandparents instead.
Sorry, but do you think the 99.9% of homes where this sort of thing doesn't happen would really make the news? It's typical of television. You hear stories of dodgy politicians, bent cops, serial killer doctors, paedophile teachers - the people who are really great at their jobs just don't get a look in. In my opinion, it's similar to the drug trial story in the news at the moment - don't let one story cloud your judgement and form biased opinions against a whole workforce.
I spent 3 years working in a residential care home, and let me tell you - the families of the residents, as well as the residents themselves, were eternally grateful as we could provide the type of care that the family simply could not provide. I have now progressed to working in Social Services, and believe me, we have more cases of abuse from family members than we do in care homes - whether it's financial, emotional, physical, or even sexual.
Don't let one bad story make you think every carer is a bad person. Most of us are in it because we care .
Sorry, you're right, didn't mean to offend those real carers out there. I was so horrified when I saw that story on the news. If we assume that 99.9% of carers are real carers, how can we be sure that the carer we employ is not in the .1% minority of abusers?
Sorry, you're right, didn't mean to offend those real carers out there. I was so horrified when I saw that story on the news. If we assume that 99.9% of carers are real carers, how can we be sure that the carer we employ is not in the .1% minority of abusers?
Then there are the people like my aunt and uncle who I mentioned previously. My aunt's nursing home called my cousin one day to tell her that her father had taken her mother out of the nursing home. My aunt had accused the staff of sexually abusing her. It turned out that a male nurse was trying to give her a suppository because it had been about 10 days since she "answered nature's call" and her hemorhooids were starting to bleed, etc. I wonder how many times this has happened where an accusation was made by a senile/nearly demented person and was unfounded.
On top of that, my 91 year old uncle forgot what home he took his wife to.:eek: He could describe where it was and the street he thought it was on. My poor cousin---after numerous phone calls , she located her mother and had her moved back to the original home. Her father definitely needs a nursing home himself after this stunt. And---he's still driving.:eek: The State of Arizona saw fit to renew his license last year.:mad:
Then there are the people like my aunt and uncle who I mentioned previously. My aunt's nursing home called my cousin one day to tell her that her father had taken her mother out of the nursing home. My aunt had accused the staff of sexually abusing her. It turned out that a male nurse was trying to give her a suppository because it had been about 10 days since she "answered nature's call" and her hemorhooids were starting to bleed, etc. I wonder how many times this has happened where an accusation was made by a senile/nearly demented person and was unfounded.
We had a similar incident recently where an elderly lady accused a young male home carer (covering for the regular carer) of trying to have sex with her. One of his duties was to see that she was safely tucked up in bed at the end of the day, and he'd said something like "Come on, it's time to get into bed". Fortunately for everyone involved the incident was quickly resolved.
There is absolutely no question of my mum going into a nursing home, if the situation ever arose, as I believe that it is my duty to take care of her if she ever needed it, just as she has taken care of me.
I love my mum more than anything in the world, and would feel I was being neglectful in my duties as a daughter if I failed to give my mum the care she needed, and allowed her to go into a home.
Why should I ask someone else to do something I am not willing to do myself? More importantly, why should I want someone else to look after my mum, if I am perfectly capable of doing so?
I definitely intend to look after my parents when the time comes, my husband has already said that he expects to look after both sets of parents. My mum is in good health but my dad has COPD and isnt in great shape. They've done so much for me and I couldnt see them be anywhere else but with me and my family. God willing, we've got a few more years left before any decisions have to be made.
Comments
Here are my reasons.
1. I am not trained, I don't know how to look after old people..
2. What good is it for them to sit in my house all day not going out and not talking to people? They would be happier if they could socialise when other old people in an enviroment that has the traning and ability to care for them properly.
All in all, not a happy situation.
Good points.
I couldn't care for my parents and they wouldnt want/expect me to either.
We all looked after my grandfather for two years after my grandmother died. It was very difficult - holidays were not an option and social lives went out the window too. Our lives literally revolved around him. Eventually he required too much care and we all worked so there was nobody to look after him. Nobody could afford to stop working and stay at home with him and we had no intentions of doing that either. Three years ago we moved him into a nursing home.
Care homes get a lot of bad press but his is great. The staff are amazing - I have SO much respect for them. They work for nothing and make such a difference to these peoples lives. There are a lot of residents in the home who never get visits from their families but we visit three times a week. We used to have him home once a week but now his mobility is too poor and it's too risky frankly.
My dad says if he ever gets to that stage shoot him. Both my parents joke about it but I am prepared for the possibility that one day I may have to put them in a home and I know they wouldnt hold that against me. They would rather that I was able to live my own life than giving it all up to look after them.
If I ever have children myself; I wouldnt allow them to care for me; I would want to be put in a nursing home if it came to it. They are the young ones; I want them to live their lives; not be held up and restricted by somebody who will die in a few years anyway. If I have children it is because I want to be a mother and experience the happiness that will bring me - I don't have children so that they will look after me when I'm old. I'm selfish in the sense that I don't want to look after my own parents but I'm not so selfish that I would expect my own kids to give up their lives and devote themself to me.
and there's not a chance am I taking my mother on 24/7 - I've already told her to choose which home she wants to go to.
I would also opt to go into a home, rather than burden my family with looking after me.
I'm not so sure about my in-laws though. :rolleyes:
I don't know whether she'd appreciate being 'looked after' by us tbh - she is fiercely independent (though obviously there is a lot she can't do without support). I guess my point is that even now she needs someone to 'look after her' though she also does a lot and gives a lot back so I think if she did need to move in with us it would be very much a two way thing.
Even now she does my ironing (sitting down as she struggles to walk and stand for any period of time), cooks amazing food, and has time for my kids without having a hundred and one other things to do instead! So while she may not be able to 'look after herself' there are a lot of things she can do.
If she became immobile, bedridden and lost her marbles? Yes, I'd probably still want to look after her simply because I can't imagine her ever not being able to give more back than she receives.
I know I've used my mum as the example here - simply because she would I think need more assistance than my dad - but the same goes for him, they both give us a family so much I can't imagine not wanting to give that back.
Though to be honest I am the most selfish and impatient person I know so I can't see I'd be particularly good in such a caring role!!
im 29 and my folks are early 70s/ late60s if something happened to them and i had to look after them i think i'd feel pretty selfish that i havent lived
but well who knows whats gonna happen
A few years ago I would not have hesitated to say that I would look after my parents right to the end through anything, but after seeing it first hand with my parents looking after my grandmother and how it almost destroyed them I would not do it now.
However,both my parents are in their mid 70's now and are as fit as fiddles! In fact,my dad who is 76 next month still plays badminton and squash and referees sunday league football matches.
I hope I am as active as my dad when/if I reach the age of 76.
I do know friends and relatives who have done so and it has been difficult for all of them, although for some the ordeal of nursing through an illness has been shorter. One friend nursed her mother through Alzheimers and lost her husband and her own health as a result.
Another nursed her husband through cancer. Others have hads their parent live with them and remain fit until a heart attack/massive stroke. In these cases care is feasible - with other conditions it isn't.
It is nice to look after them when they are reasonably fit and well, but when their needs are many - especially such as dementia or motor neurone - it is very difficult to run a home of your own and care for them. Care is 24/7 and many family carers of these dreadful diseases die before their patients - due to stress and other factors.
A few of us here know one lady who did right by her ailing parent and only outlived her by about 3 months.
My parents had the kindness to die young and not be a burden on me. I intend to follow their example and not be a burden on anyone else should I become infirm. Too much is made of living for living's sake. I have no desire to moulder away in a home or even in my own home.
The problem for the future is that we will be faced with the prospect of the elderly looking after the elderly. Euthanasia as an option is, in my opinion, inevitable.
LK
We chose the house we have now based on its adaptability. There's an outbuilding we can easily convert to make it part of our house, but still independent for my parents if they need it.
I've talked to my mum about it, and she's insistent that if it got to the point where I was having to undertake 'intimate' duties, she'd want a carer instead. She's said I can do everything else, but she'd feel undignified if it was a member of the family taking care of her.
I used to work in an old people's hospice and know that they are cared for very well in those places (usually) by people committed to the job so I wouldn't feel that I was just getting rid of them.
Sorry, but do you think the 99.9% of homes where this sort of thing doesn't happen would really make the news? It's typical of television. You hear stories of dodgy politicians, bent cops, serial killer doctors, paedophile teachers - the people who are really great at their jobs just don't get a look in. In my opinion, it's similar to the drug trial story in the news at the moment - don't let one story cloud your judgement and form biased opinions against a whole workforce.
I spent 3 years working in a residential care home, and let me tell you - the families of the residents, as well as the residents themselves, were eternally grateful as we could provide the type of care that the family simply could not provide. I have now progressed to working in Social Services, and believe me, we have more cases of abuse from family members than we do in care homes - whether it's financial, emotional, physical, or even sexual.
Don't let one bad story make you think every carer is a bad person. Most of us are in it because we care .
Yeah, I was thinking about her as I read this
I agree. It is after all only one story out of thousands. What many don't realise, until they come to try to do it themselves, is that it is very hard to provide all their needs, especially when they have a multitude of health problems.
Sorry, you're right, didn't mean to offend those real carers out there. I was so horrified when I saw that story on the news. If we assume that 99.9% of carers are real carers, how can we be sure that the carer we employ is not in the .1% minority of abusers?
Then there are the people like my aunt and uncle who I mentioned previously. My aunt's nursing home called my cousin one day to tell her that her father had taken her mother out of the nursing home. My aunt had accused the staff of sexually abusing her. It turned out that a male nurse was trying to give her a suppository because it had been about 10 days since she "answered nature's call" and her hemorhooids were starting to bleed, etc. I wonder how many times this has happened where an accusation was made by a senile/nearly demented person and was unfounded.
On top of that, my 91 year old uncle forgot what home he took his wife to.:eek: He could describe where it was and the street he thought it was on. My poor cousin---after numerous phone calls , she located her mother and had her moved back to the original home. Her father definitely needs a nursing home himself after this stunt. And---he's still driving.:eek: The State of Arizona saw fit to renew his license last year.:mad:
We had a similar incident recently where an elderly lady accused a young male home carer (covering for the regular carer) of trying to have sex with her. One of his duties was to see that she was safely tucked up in bed at the end of the day, and he'd said something like "Come on, it's time to get into bed". Fortunately for everyone involved the incident was quickly resolved.
I love my mum more than anything in the world, and would feel I was being neglectful in my duties as a daughter if I failed to give my mum the care she needed, and allowed her to go into a home.
Why should I ask someone else to do something I am not willing to do myself? More importantly, why should I want someone else to look after my mum, if I am perfectly capable of doing so?