Then there are the people like my aunt and uncle who I mentioned previously. My aunt's nursing home called my cousin one day to tell her that her father had taken her mother out of the nursing home. My aunt had accused the staff of sexually abusing her. It turned out that a male nurse was trying to give her a suppository because it had been about 10 days since she "answered nature's call" and her hemorhooids were starting to bleed, etc. I wonder how many times this has happened where an accusation was made by a senile/nearly demented person and was unfounded.
Hmm. Mind you if I needed someone to give me a suppository I would prefer a female nurse to do it and I don't think that's unreasonable.
My own doctor wouldn't even examine me like that unless he had a female nurse present during the procedure (don't get me wrong, my doctor's brilliant and I trust him completely but he does everything by the book).
Senile or not, your aunt has the same rights to privacy and respect as the rest of us.
Thank goodness someone has had the guts to say that not all nursing homes are bad.
Years ago I worked in four or five excellent homes where the staff would have done anything for the residents and frequently socialised with them even on their days off.
Just like there are really crappy garages that always find their way onto the news ,so there are also bad carers and homes but we manage to get our cars sorted.
It's a case of keeping constant contact with your loved one and being there enough to observe just how your loved one is being treated.
People always talk about how the care they can give at home is so superior to homes but this simply isn't the case !
How can one exhausted emotional family member deal with 24 hour care as well as trained carers who swop shifts every eight hours.Especially in the case of mentally infirm elderly who may get to the stage where they are asking you the same question hundreds of times a day.I can say with feeling that I felt emotionally attached to many residents I worked with and kept in touch with them and their families long after I ceased to work at that particular home.
I've thankfully never worked anywhere I wouldn't be happy to place my own much loved parent so lets not tar all care homes with the same brush.You'll know the excellent ones when they have a long waiting list.
There is also the issue of wether your parents would want you to "care" for them,especially in an intimate way.Many get depressed and feel a burden no matter how many times their children tell them they are not.You can still love and visit your parent daily without having to be on call 24/7 and neglecting your own family in the process.It isn't always the best scenario.
I went on to work for social services and find placements for many elderly service users for a few years and very rarely did they not tell me that they were happier and felt relieved when they were settled in.
Hmm. Mind you if I needed someone to give me a suppository I would prefer a female nurse to do it and I don't think that's unreasonable.
My own doctor wouldn't even examine me like that unless he had a female nurse present during the procedure (don't get me wrong, my doctor's brilliant and I trust him completely but he does everything by the book).
Senile or not, your aunt has the same rights to privacy and respect as the rest of us.
Actually, my aunt claimed (before this incident) to prefer this male nurse over most of the female staff who she was sure were going to steal her jewelry.:rolleyes:
Ah well. I suppose, as I'm actually doing this, that I should stick my oar in.
I've not, well not quite, actually vacated my own home, but I'm half way through my annual winter stint of 4 months looking after my elderly Mum. Except there wont be any going back to resume "normal life" as she's suffered a series of small strokes, as the elderly are prone to do. I'm here for a minimum of 7 months, with the prospect of 2 months in my own home before I'm back again. I wont see her in a home permanently as she goes in one for respite care and absolutely hates it. Being deaf and partially blind, plus unable to use ones' hands or find anything to make the time go more quickly is a nightmare. Her greatest wish is to die. She asks me every night if I will pray that she dies in her sleep.
What do you do?
We are lucky in that we can afford lots of help. Physically it isn't difficulty, but mentally it's every damned thing you can imagine. Lonely, depressing, frustrating, boring....but she's my Mum. I am cursed (blessed???) with a husband who has to work away and thinks it's a families duty to look after their own. So willingly spends his weekend's here. :rolleyes:
But I still hate it. If I was still working or had children it wouldn't be an option, but how I'd feel I dont know. Because of my own health issues making a new life here is not a option, so basically for 7 months my life revolves around meals/medicines and incontinence pads. Thank god for the telly, DVD's and the Internet (and a drop of brandy ). I learned a lot from LK. I will not be going into blame mode at myself when she dies, I hope I can say I did a thankless job with the minimum (:p for me) of moaning.
It would, of course, have been far easier if she had been able to move into MY home, but that's not possible for a variety of reasons. So I trek 400 miles north, to a place I've never lived, dont know, have no friends and quite frankly, bloody hate.
Ah well, only another 16 weeks ( I've already been here 3 months) until I get 2 months in my own nest. Then after 8 weeks I will trek back here, hopefully reasonably cheerful.
:rolleyes: We will see.
But it's a hard option and not one for everyone. As spearish says there are some damn good care homes. Everyone has to make up their own mind, I suppose.
Mes {{{{hug}}}} that's lousy. I didn't know you'd lost your parents at such a young age.
pamuela, I've just read your post in full. You have my sincere good wishes. What a lousy throw of the dice you were given.
One thing I learnt from LK is that whatever help was on offer I would take it. Hell, I cant even imagine doing all you had to do AND try and keep a home and family going at the same time.
So I have a team of Carers, I buy in meals that are really good, www.wiltshirefarmfoods.com (shameless plug, they really are excellent, so different from the usual meals on wheels) for days when I cant cope or we've been up all night due to her falling or being disorientated.
Along with a cleaner and a laundry service physically life is easier than at home. But caring for someone who needs round the clock nursing is not something I am physically capable of.
I hope it never gets to that stage I dont know what we'd do.
Sadly, my own mother has done nothing that would make me feel responsible for her when/if the time comes. She's in the US and has four other children who all live there too. If one of them don't step up to the plate then it'll be the old age home as I told her it would be 25 years ago when she was being particularly detestable. Her behaviour hasn't changed since then.:mad::(
I remember as a child saying to my mother that I'd never put her in a home. I must have been pretty young then :eek:
I worked with the elderly who had dementia for a while and that was sad, but more so because of the way some were treated by their children.
There was one elderly woman who was so sweet, but I was looking after her one night when her grandson whipped her purse and when the woman realised he hid in the toilet and threw it out of the window. Thankfully she got it back but it wasn't the point. I also had to listen to her daughter yell on the phone to her, she was that loud, and apparently her daughter had got her mother to sell her house and buy another near her in her name, basically so she could get her hands on it, despite having her own business down the road.
If children treat their parents that bad how the hell can I trust someone to look after my own? I admit I have had difficult times with my folks, especially my mother, but I hope I'm beyond seeking retaliation for trouble that's long past and continue the family bond. I hope it doesn't come to it, for my parents sake, but I would look after them, they did it for me.
Actually, my aunt claimed (before this incident) to prefer this male nurse over most of the female staff who she was sure were going to steal her jewelry.:rolleyes:
Oh I know that sort of thing happens and that false accusations can be a burden on staff - but I still think a female nurse should have been performing an intimate procedure like that. I'm well aware my doctor always calls a nurse into the examination room to keep himself covered as much as to put me at my ease
I remember as a child saying to my mother that I'd never put her in a home. I must have been pretty young then :eek:
I worked with the elderly who had dementia for a while and that was sad, but more so because of the way some were treated by their children.
There was one elderly woman who was so sweet, but I was looking after her one night when her grandson whipped her purse and when the woman realised he hid in the toilet and threw it out of the window. Thankfully she got it back but it wasn't the point. I also had to listen to her daughter yell on the phone to her, she was that loud, and apparently her daughter had got her mother to sell her house and buy another near her in her name, basically so she could get her hands on it, despite having her own business down the road.
If children treat their parents that bad how the hell can I trust someone to look after my own? I admit I have had difficult times with my folks, especially my mother, but I hope I'm beyond seeking retaliation for trouble that's long past and continue the family bond. I hope it doesn't come to it, for my parents sake, but I would look after them, they did it for me.
Were the daughter and grandson of this women care workers/nurses? If you follow that line of reasoning you would not allow any doctor near you or your mum, as I have known of doctor's wives who were beaten by their husbands. :eek:
Looking after someone with dementia, say, is an around the clock endeavour. few family members could compete with the bevy of nurses who do shift work.
I think many here are posting from emotional and guilty standpoints, or why allow any member of family into hospital - ever - on the same rationale?
Looking after someone with dementia, say, is an around the clock endeavour. few family members could compete with the bevy of nurses who do shift work.
I think many here are posting from emotional and guilty standpoints, or why allow any member of family into hospital - ever - on the same rationale?
The same rationale would also argue that many mums go back to work in the first year of their childrens lives.Can they be a 100% sure that their vunerable children are being cared for properly?
Many say they would never let anyone look after their parents or trust them to look after their parents and yet are quite happy to hand over someone who can't even tell them if things are wrong to nurseries and childminders.
Nursing homes are examined and monitered far more regularly than the other establishments.
Has your child never clung to you and told you they didn't want to go and yet once there found they've had fun?
I think joe's girl is spot on ,it's the guilt factor sadly.
Were the daughter and grandson of this women care workers/nurses? If you follow that line of reasoning you would not allow any doctor near you or your mum, as I have known of doctor's wives who were beaten by their husbands. :eek:
Looking after someone with dementia, say, is an around the clock endeavour. few family members could compete with the bevy of nurses who do shift work.
I think many here are posting from emotional and guilty standpoints, or why allow any member of family into hospital - ever - on the same rationale?
I'd had a drink, thinking wasn't my strong point when I wrote that
Were the daughter and grandson of this women care workers/nurses? If you follow that line of reasoning you would not allow any doctor near you or your mum, as I have known of doctor's wives who were beaten by their husbands. :eek:
Looking after someone with dementia, say, is an around the clock endeavour. few family members could compete with the bevy of nurses who do shift work.
I think many here are posting from emotional and guilty standpoints, or why allow any member of family into hospital - ever - on the same rationale?
One of the best posts I've read so far this year-on any forum (OK so it's still march! )
I know how hard caring for an incapacitated relative is-I've seen it done (and helped a little) by my mum caring for grandad. Perhaps it's different for women but I don't think I could do it, in fact I'm sure I couldn't.
Whilst there is no way I could just walk away, I'd have to compromise by helping them with chores, cleaning gardening etc whilst they could still look after themselves (I live near enough to visit several times a week, daily even), then moving near to the home or hospice they were in when they could no longer do so, so I could visit daily.
The more I think about it, the more I think that would be less bad than starting to care for them, then giving up because I couldn't cope.
I am full of admiration for people who put their own lives on hold to care for their parents. Maybe it is a little easier if you have had a good relationship with them - in my own case I really have very little contact with my one remaining parent and while I had both they decide to move away from the area for their retirement.
I always find it a little odd however when people say "parents give up so much for you when you are a child and you should be prepared to give things up to care for them when they need you". To bring a child into the world is usually a decision you make. Presumably you have realised that some sacrifice is necessary and are happy to make it. It is an entirely different matter having to care for somebody at the end of their life. You may, for example, have chosen not to have children of your own because you do not want to be a carer. I do NOT believe that caring for an elderly person is in any way the same as caring for a child.
I always find it a little odd however when people say "parents give up so much for you when you are a child and you should be prepared to give things up to care for them when they need you". To bring a child into the world is usually a decision you make.
Its funny you should say that. I am caring for my elderly mum whilst bringing up my young daughter. My mum was having a day when, for various reasons, she was feeling low and expressed guilt that I was looking after her. I said in my inimitable caring way "oh shut up" and followed it with the very point that she had cared for me as a youngster without complaint, why could I not do the same? She replied with exactly the point you make, that she had chosen to bring me into the world, and so the consequences of that was her choice, whereas me caring for her now was different. I gave this some great thought ... and replied diplomatically "oh shut up, you daft old bat" - Humour is what keeps us muddling along happily.
I You may, for example, have chosen not to have children of your own because you do not want to be a carer.
or, in my case because I know I would be no good at caring for children (lack of patience, not organsied enough)
I do NOT believe that caring for an elderly person is in any way the same as caring for a child.
No, it isn't which is why I've decided on the compromise above. Just because some of us feel we would struggle to provide the day to day physical care, doesn't (neccesarily) mean we care emotionally any less.
Its funny you should say that. I am caring for my elderly mum whilst bringing up my young daughter. My mum was having a day when, for various reasons, she was feeling low and expressed guilt that I was looking after her. I said in my inimitable caring way "oh shut up" and followed it with the very point that she had cared for me as a youngster without complaint, why could I not do the same? She replied with exactly the point you make, that she had chosen to bring me into the world, and so the consequences of that was her choice, whereas me caring for her now was different. I gave this some great thought ... and replied diplomatically "oh shut up, you daft old bat" - Humour is what keeps us muddling along happily.
Mine's exactly the same. She keeps saying it's the last thing she ever thought she'd need, someone here 24 hours a day, and that she wishes if I have had enough I should go home and "she'll have to accept it"
In her more lucid moments (she hasn't got Alzheimers-my Father died of that and it's totally different) we can still have a semblance of conversation and even have a laugh. But sadly those days are getting less.
I suppose that's what makes me so sad. This lovely, caring, giving person reduced to a little shuffling old lady who thinks her zimmer frame is for carrying That cracks me up, (until she falls) as she's trying to totter along with a stick carrying a ruddy great zimmer and sundry bags.
But humour is a great defence
I totally agree that it makes a difference whether you got on with your parent or not. I adored my Mum, and just because old age has robbed me of the Mum I knew and loved, underneath it all she's still there.
I doubt very much whether I could have looked after my father. Notwithstanding that Alzheimers is a terrible thing to care for, and he was very violent as the disease progressed, I loathed him.
:eek: It would have been a toss up who killed who first.
I couldn't pass over an opportunity to contribute to this discussion as I am right bang in the middle of looking after 2 elderly parents and a sister with Downs.
My 78 year old mother has terminal lung cancer and is now totally bedridden. My dad is the same age, suffering from short term memory loss, and is unable to do much for himself. This is a lot down to the fact that my mum has done evrything for him for the past 50 years - partly a generational thing and partly a scottish matriarchal control thing. It just means, however, that the most he can contribute is making his bed and putting the kettle on. The situation is further complicated by the fact that my sister is Downs and has never been outside the house alone. So, the bottom line is I have no real choice but to be there to look after them.
We do not have the room to take all three of them in with us and I am holding down a full time job so I have to go to them most days. My main problem is one of distance - I live 45 minutes away - so I drive that nearly every day to make their tea, do all their washing, shopping etc and just generally look after them. We have some help from social services (1 visit a day) and pay for a little extra care. My mum is very proud and is literally dying of shame (never mind the cancer) that she has to rely on strangers. The difficult thing for me is that this dilemma will continue even after my mum dies. I love my sister and could not contemplate care but I would be lying if I did not admit to feeling resentful and angry some times.
There may be other solutions we can investigate further down the line but my main concern is to let my mum die in peace. If she so much as thought my sister would go anywhere other than with me she would be unbelievably distressed. She's adopting the 'Dylan Thomas' approach to dying as it is and is clinging onto every last scrap of life - just because she cannot bear to leave my sister.
There is no way I could care for my mother 24/7 in her old age. We have had a fragile relationship for years and she tries her best to be controlling and I rally against it, probably more so than is necessary but it has been a long battle and I do get weary.
I just dont think I could cope emotionally with her in my home, in my space. Sounds awful but that is how I feel.
I could visit, check, care for her if she were given full time care in a home, but only if I could walk away to my own space.
Those of you who do care for relatives - I salute you!
Comments
Hmm. Mind you if I needed someone to give me a suppository I would prefer a female nurse to do it and I don't think that's unreasonable.
My own doctor wouldn't even examine me like that unless he had a female nurse present during the procedure (don't get me wrong, my doctor's brilliant and I trust him completely but he does everything by the book).
Senile or not, your aunt has the same rights to privacy and respect as the rest of us.
Anyway, thanks very much for taking the time.
Years ago I worked in four or five excellent homes where the staff would have done anything for the residents and frequently socialised with them even on their days off.
Just like there are really crappy garages that always find their way onto the news ,so there are also bad carers and homes but we manage to get our cars sorted.
It's a case of keeping constant contact with your loved one and being there enough to observe just how your loved one is being treated.
People always talk about how the care they can give at home is so superior to homes but this simply isn't the case !
How can one exhausted emotional family member deal with 24 hour care as well as trained carers who swop shifts every eight hours.Especially in the case of mentally infirm elderly who may get to the stage where they are asking you the same question hundreds of times a day.I can say with feeling that I felt emotionally attached to many residents I worked with and kept in touch with them and their families long after I ceased to work at that particular home.
I've thankfully never worked anywhere I wouldn't be happy to place my own much loved parent so lets not tar all care homes with the same brush.You'll know the excellent ones when they have a long waiting list.
There is also the issue of wether your parents would want you to "care" for them,especially in an intimate way.Many get depressed and feel a burden no matter how many times their children tell them they are not.You can still love and visit your parent daily without having to be on call 24/7 and neglecting your own family in the process.It isn't always the best scenario.
I went on to work for social services and find placements for many elderly service users for a few years and very rarely did they not tell me that they were happier and felt relieved when they were settled in.
Actually, my aunt claimed (before this incident) to prefer this male nurse over most of the female staff who she was sure were going to steal her jewelry.:rolleyes:
I've not, well not quite, actually vacated my own home, but I'm half way through my annual winter stint of 4 months looking after my elderly Mum. Except there wont be any going back to resume "normal life" as she's suffered a series of small strokes, as the elderly are prone to do. I'm here for a minimum of 7 months, with the prospect of 2 months in my own home before I'm back again. I wont see her in a home permanently as she goes in one for respite care and absolutely hates it. Being deaf and partially blind, plus unable to use ones' hands or find anything to make the time go more quickly is a nightmare. Her greatest wish is to die. She asks me every night if I will pray that she dies in her sleep.
We are lucky in that we can afford lots of help. Physically it isn't difficulty, but mentally it's every damned thing you can imagine. Lonely, depressing, frustrating, boring....but she's my Mum. I am cursed (blessed???) with a husband who has to work away and thinks it's a families duty to look after their own. So willingly spends his weekend's here. :rolleyes:
But I still hate it. If I was still working or had children it wouldn't be an option, but how I'd feel I dont know. Because of my own health issues making a new life here is not a option, so basically for 7 months my life revolves around meals/medicines and incontinence pads. Thank god for the telly, DVD's and the Internet (and a drop of brandy
It would, of course, have been far easier if she had been able to move into MY home, but that's not possible for a variety of reasons. So I trek 400 miles north, to a place I've never lived, dont know, have no friends and quite frankly, bloody hate.
Ah well, only another 16 weeks ( I've already been here 3 months) until I get 2 months in my own nest. Then after 8 weeks I will trek back here, hopefully reasonably cheerful.
:rolleyes: We will see.
But it's a hard option and not one for everyone. As spearish says there are some damn good care homes. Everyone has to make up their own mind, I suppose.
Mes {{{{hug}}}} that's lousy. I didn't know you'd lost your parents at such a young age.
One thing I learnt from LK is that whatever help was on offer I would take it. Hell, I cant even imagine doing all you had to do AND try and keep a home and family going at the same time.
So I have a team of Carers, I buy in meals that are really good, www.wiltshirefarmfoods.com (shameless plug, they really are excellent, so different from the usual meals on wheels) for days when I cant cope or we've been up all night due to her falling or being disorientated.
Along with a cleaner and a laundry service physically life is easier than at home. But caring for someone who needs round the clock nursing is not something I am physically capable of.
I hope it never gets to that stage
I have nothing but admiration for people that pretty much put their lives on hold to care for sick and dying parents.
Make that two of us.
Thirded.
I admire you.
Sadly, my own mother has done nothing that would make me feel responsible for her when/if the time comes. She's in the US and has four other children who all live there too. If one of them don't step up to the plate then it'll be the old age home as I told her it would be 25 years ago when she was being particularly detestable. Her behaviour hasn't changed since then.:mad::(
It's hard work, there's no denying that. Daily visits are difficult enough let alone moving in with them.
They live near me and I'm always on hand for the hard chores like changing beds, moving furniture, hospital appointments etc.
Wouldn't have it any other way..... Love em to bits...
I worked with the elderly who had dementia for a while and that was sad, but more so because of the way some were treated by their children.
There was one elderly woman who was so sweet, but I was looking after her one night when her grandson whipped her purse and when the woman realised he hid in the toilet and threw it out of the window. Thankfully she got it back but it wasn't the point. I also had to listen to her daughter yell on the phone to her, she was that loud, and apparently her daughter had got her mother to sell her house and buy another near her in her name, basically so she could get her hands on it, despite having her own business down the road.
If children treat their parents that bad how the hell can I trust someone to look after my own? I admit I have had difficult times with my folks, especially my mother, but I hope I'm beyond seeking retaliation for trouble that's long past and continue the family bond. I hope it doesn't come to it, for my parents sake, but I would look after them, they did it for me.
Oh I know that sort of thing happens and that false accusations can be a burden on staff - but I still think a female nurse should have been performing an intimate procedure like that. I'm well aware my doctor always calls a nurse into the examination room to keep himself covered as much as to put me at my ease
Were the daughter and grandson of this women care workers/nurses? If you follow that line of reasoning you would not allow any doctor near you or your mum, as I have known of doctor's wives who were beaten by their husbands. :eek:
Looking after someone with dementia, say, is an around the clock endeavour. few family members could compete with the bevy of nurses who do shift work.
I think many here are posting from emotional and guilty standpoints, or why allow any member of family into hospital - ever - on the same rationale?
The same rationale would also argue that many mums go back to work in the first year of their childrens lives.Can they be a 100% sure that their vunerable children are being cared for properly?
Many say they would never let anyone look after their parents or trust them to look after their parents and yet are quite happy to hand over someone who can't even tell them if things are wrong to nurseries and childminders.
Nursing homes are examined and monitered far more regularly than the other establishments.
Has your child never clung to you and told you they didn't want to go and yet once there found they've had fun?
I think joe's girl is spot on ,it's the guilt factor sadly.
I'd had a drink, thinking wasn't my strong point when I wrote that
One of the best posts I've read so far this year-on any forum (OK so it's still march!
I know how hard caring for an incapacitated relative is-I've seen it done (and helped a little) by my mum caring for grandad. Perhaps it's different for women but I don't think I could do it, in fact I'm sure I couldn't.
Whilst there is no way I could just walk away, I'd have to compromise by helping them with chores, cleaning gardening etc whilst they could still look after themselves (I live near enough to visit several times a week, daily even), then moving near to the home or hospice they were in when they could no longer do so, so I could visit daily.
The more I think about it, the more I think that would be less bad than starting to care for them, then giving up because I couldn't cope.
Sorry Mum and Dad, best I can do.
I always find it a little odd however when people say "parents give up so much for you when you are a child and you should be prepared to give things up to care for them when they need you". To bring a child into the world is usually a decision you make. Presumably you have realised that some sacrifice is necessary and are happy to make it. It is an entirely different matter having to care for somebody at the end of their life. You may, for example, have chosen not to have children of your own because you do not want to be a carer. I do NOT believe that caring for an elderly person is in any way the same as caring for a child.
Its funny you should say that. I am caring for my elderly mum whilst bringing up my young daughter. My mum was having a day when, for various reasons, she was feeling low and expressed guilt that I was looking after her. I said in my inimitable caring way "oh shut up" and followed it with the very point that she had cared for me as a youngster without complaint, why could I not do the same? She replied with exactly the point you make, that she had chosen to bring me into the world, and so the consequences of that was her choice, whereas me caring for her now was different. I gave this some great thought ... and replied diplomatically "oh shut up, you daft old bat" - Humour is what keeps us muddling along happily.
No, it isn't which is why I've decided on the compromise above. Just because some of us feel we would struggle to provide the day to day physical care, doesn't (neccesarily) mean we care emotionally any less.
In her more lucid moments (she hasn't got Alzheimers-my Father died of that and it's totally different) we can still have a semblance of conversation and even have a laugh. But sadly those days are getting less.
I suppose that's what makes me so sad. This lovely, caring, giving person reduced to a little shuffling old lady who thinks her zimmer frame is for carrying
But humour is a great defence
I totally agree that it makes a difference whether you got on with your parent or not. I adored my Mum, and just because old age has robbed me of the Mum I knew and loved, underneath it all she's still there.
I doubt very much whether I could have looked after my father. Notwithstanding that Alzheimers is a terrible thing to care for, and he was very violent as the disease progressed, I loathed him.
:eek: It would have been a toss up who killed who first.
My mother at 17...my dad was last October..
My 78 year old mother has terminal lung cancer and is now totally bedridden. My dad is the same age, suffering from short term memory loss, and is unable to do much for himself. This is a lot down to the fact that my mum has done evrything for him for the past 50 years - partly a generational thing and partly a scottish matriarchal control thing. It just means, however, that the most he can contribute is making his bed and putting the kettle on. The situation is further complicated by the fact that my sister is Downs and has never been outside the house alone. So, the bottom line is I have no real choice but to be there to look after them.
We do not have the room to take all three of them in with us and I am holding down a full time job so I have to go to them most days. My main problem is one of distance - I live 45 minutes away - so I drive that nearly every day to make their tea, do all their washing, shopping etc and just generally look after them. We have some help from social services (1 visit a day) and pay for a little extra care. My mum is very proud and is literally dying of shame (never mind the cancer) that she has to rely on strangers. The difficult thing for me is that this dilemma will continue even after my mum dies. I love my sister and could not contemplate care but I would be lying if I did not admit to feeling resentful and angry some times.
There may be other solutions we can investigate further down the line but my main concern is to let my mum die in peace. If she so much as thought my sister would go anywhere other than with me she would be unbelievably distressed. She's adopting the 'Dylan Thomas' approach to dying as it is and is clinging onto every last scrap of life - just because she cannot bear to leave my sister.
I just dont think I could cope emotionally with her in my home, in my space. Sounds awful but that is how I feel.
I could visit, check, care for her if she were given full time care in a home, but only if I could walk away to my own space.
Those of you who do care for relatives - I salute you!