Why men love bitches
India_Rain
Posts: 2,323 Forum Member
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I've been reading this book, titled the same as this thread. I was hoping to get some perspective as , when in a relationship, I tend to over please and lose myself and who I am. I try too hard to make the man happy, without thinking about what makes me happy. I've often been told I'm too "nice"
This, of course, leads to being treated like a doormat and for the man to lose any respect for me (understandably).
So, this book says that if a man is treating you badly, you should not nag or talk about feelings. But you should distance yourself and then he'll start chasing again.
Isn't this just playing games though?
Is a relationship all about a power struggle and treating men like little boys?
I know a lot of men like a challenge. But what happens when you let them catch you and then they lose interest? Do you have to back off again and let them do the hunting?
If you want more from your relationship, do you really need to play psychological games to get what you want? It all seems so tiring and manipulative.
I was hoping to gain some insight into relationships...but it looks more trouble than it's worth.
This, of course, leads to being treated like a doormat and for the man to lose any respect for me (understandably).
So, this book says that if a man is treating you badly, you should not nag or talk about feelings. But you should distance yourself and then he'll start chasing again.
Isn't this just playing games though?
Is a relationship all about a power struggle and treating men like little boys?
I know a lot of men like a challenge. But what happens when you let them catch you and then they lose interest? Do you have to back off again and let them do the hunting?
If you want more from your relationship, do you really need to play psychological games to get what you want? It all seems so tiring and manipulative.
I was hoping to gain some insight into relationships...but it looks more trouble than it's worth.
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Comments
It does all seem a bit "scripted".
If men lose interest, then they are not the right one. Its simple isn't it?
No you don't need to play games in a relationship. If you want more you need to talk and learn to say what you want.
I do think that some women love bastards, though, in the sense that they seem to be attracted to aggressive males, presumably because they associate aggression with masculinity, rather in the same way that red deer hinds regard the dominant stag.
The thing is, everyone man and woman is different. Not all men are going to love bitches, and do you really want to change who you are and what you believe in to please a man, isn't that defeating the whole object?
1) The two parties should really like each other, i.e. they should just enjoy being in each other's company, they should just 'get along' (in the simplest possible meaning of the phrase), they should have some kind of chemistry that helps things just flow without having to think about it too much
2) Both parties should be fairly certain that a relationship is really what they want, that they are at that time and place in life where that kind of commitment is important - relationships are not all fun, sometimes you need to put in some work.
Of course there is also the third element that people talk about so much, the kind of thing we see in films and read in books: the 'mystery'/'challenge'/'difficulty'/'unattainability' factor, that special ingredient that makes things romantic and magical and just elevates both parties to higher levels of 'can't live without each other' passion.
I would say that if you're lucky, you might get a glimpse of that third element in the beginning of your relationship, and possibly at some random, key, moments throughout. But it is not really a necessary ingredient to keep things working on a day-to-day level.
If you feel that you have to play games in order to keep boyfriends that are not very nice to you India Rain, that probably means that those guys are not right for you anyway, either because the two of you just don't mesh well together, or because the timing is not right. But some day the timing and the guy will both be right, and you will just 'know' it in a way that no book can make you know.
In the meantime just enjoy being your self; I know people say that all the time, and I know sometimes it might be the hardest thing to do, but there really isn't much else you can do - life is there and you are in it, and you just have to walk down that road and maybe some day somebody will want to walk along with you.
[Oh, and by being your self, I don't mean that you have to be happy or that you have to do all sorts of 'wonderful', interesting things; you can do whatever the hell feels natural and right for you at any given moment]
Wow, I really needed to hear that! Maybe you should write a book that was great to hear.
Yes, but there is a lot of truth in it. many men like the chase and women who are to eager to please are seen as doormats. I know a man who went out with this lovely girl for two years, he then dumped her for this complete bitch who treats him like crap. The police have been called because she throws things at him. But he follows her around like a lost puppy. They dont live together or have any family so god knows why he stays.
The more I hear of relationships the more I wonder if men and women really are meant to live together and not just meet up for sex.
I wouldn't want to have that kind of relationship though, where the bloke follows me round like a lost puppy. I don't want to throw things at my man, that sounds like insanity to me.
the book says to not nag or talk about it, but to back off and then he'll come running. I've tried this before but it just makes the man think he can do what he wants and you're happy with it. In effect it's rewarding him for bad behaviour.
I've always been inclined to say "I feel I'd like more of your time"...then everyone knows where they stand. I hate being whiney, so just state what I think is missing from the realtionship and then hope for the best. Maybe that's where I'm going wrong.
http://www.amazon.com/review/R36BC9ZHQ7NUWD/ref=cm_cr_pr_cmt?ie=UTF8&ASIN=1580627560&nodeID=#wasThisHelpful
Women number 1 was far less exciting than woman number 2? 'Lovely' whilst, erm, lovely, doesn't mean exciting, passionate or challenging, and some people want that adrenaline rush in a relationship. Maybe he didn't get that spark with woman number 1 that he gets with 2?
I don't think there are any 'rules' when it comes to dating and relationships - just treat people as individuals (not stereotype, as in 'she is woman therefore she thinks this wants...' and 'he is a man and therefore he thinks this and wants this...), and work it out as you go along. Just be honest about what you want.
There is no 'one' way to have a relationship, different things work for different people, different people want different things. I think it's pointless to stereotype men and women by gender, genders aren't hive-minds.
I think it's exactly as you described in para 1. He likes the excitement, the wild sex, I even think he enjoys the arguements. everybody's different I guess and for some a content, quiet life doesn't cut it.
So if you are a person that wants a quiet, content life, don't get involved with someone who doesn't. It's not like you are going to change them (they might change at some point on their own accord, but people don't change because *you* want them to). If a man wants a bitch and you are a nice lovely girl without a 'bitch bone' in your body, just look for another man.
Having said all that, I don't think that in reality these things are so black and white, and cut and dry. Yes, people have their individual preferences and everything, but even those are not set in stone.
For instance, I don't think that there really are that many men out there that consistently want a bitch or a lovely, nice girl at all times. Most people want different things at different times; you may want someone to be nice in this situation, and a bit tougher in another, or depending on your age and the stage you are in your life you might want either the wild sex or the quietness (or you might just want both).
Basically, I think people can be quite complex, and that timing and willingness to engage with the other person -whoever that person is- are very important (assuming we are talking about relationships and not fleeting affairs).
And then moan about how bad all men are before repeating the cycle all over again.
Agreed.
The problem is Hollywod films, TV shows, and other media have force fed the world a very sparkly, magical, meant-to-be, perfect-forever-more, destiny stars aligned (etc.etc. cliche etc.) view of relationships, and then people spend long parts of their own going "mine's aren't like that, either i'm doing something wrong or the people I'm with are doing something wrong".
When in reality neither is right, it's just that the real world is a bit less fairy-dust tinged.
Chick flicks have a lot to answer for. If I had a bloke standing outside my bedroom window throwing things at the window to try and wake me up, I'd be calling the police, not thinking how wonderful and romantic it is!
lmao
I've got a friendship like the relationship mentioned in the OP. I'm far too nice and can't be horrible.
I couldn't agree more, I know they definitely contribute to my problems. "He's Just Not That Into You", anyone?
I actually think that's a bit as wrong, just in the opposite direction. There's somewhere between that and chick flicks that's what really happens. Just my opinion though.
Think about what you're actually saying there... which is essentially:
"Removing myself further from his life is a reward to him"
If that's the case, it's not a relationship worth continuing.