PLEASE HELP - I am seriously ill and my husband is physically threatening me
Moll Flanders
Posts: 1,392 Forum Member
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I'll try to keep this to the point but it's pretty serious, so please forgive me if it's a bit long.
In a nutshell.....................
I am 47 years old and so is my husband. We have married since we were 25. Our 22+ years together have been a bit stormy, but nothing physically abusive on either side, and we've basically been happy together - and still are, really. We don't have children, by choice.
My husband is not the warmest person in the world, but he has NEVER been pysically agressive towards me - or towards anyone else - in any way, shape or form. He is not a violent person - usually. He does not drink alcohol, and has never taken drugs. I would know if he were taking either of them, and he's definitely not.
He works at home, freelance, very skilled at what he does, but does not have much work on at the moment.
Just before Christmas, I was taken incredibly ill, and nearly died. My husband rushed me to hospital in the nick of time and I was diagnosed with Heart Failure. This is a very serious condition, and of course we've both been extremely shocked and upset - however, due to the tablets I'm now taking, I'm making very good progress, and feel better and more energetic than I have done for years. It was an awful diagnosis, but seeing as I've got it, it's better to know about it than to not.
The problem is this...........................over the last 5-6 weeks there have been very alarming changes in my husband's behaviour. For one thing, he has been sleeping excessively. Sometimes he sleeps for up to 21 hours a day, day after day. He says it's due to the stress catching up with him, but I find that hard to believe (after all, I've been even more stressed, and I'm not reacting like that.) He just sleeps and sleeps and sleeps. He can't seem to see it's a problem, though, and, despite my having been told I need to rest, he expects me to do absolutely everything around the house; I'm the one who cooks, cleans, irons, goes shopping etc, while he loafs around doing nothing. That in itself would be bad enough.
But it gets worse. When he IS awake, he's behaving really oddly some of the time. He'll be talking to me quite normally and then, in a split second, a strange change seems to come over him - his eyelids droop, his eyes glaze over, he starts slurring his speech, and begins to say really weird things. Afterwards, he has no memory at all of what he, or I, have done or said during these "episodes".
One thing he has taken to saying, over and over again, is that he "wonders what it would be like to kill me; he would like to strangle me with his bare hands just to see what it feels like; he thinks it would be exhilerating". As you can imagine, I find this very creepy, to say the least. So imagine how I felt a couple of weeks ago to find him crouched over me in bed, with his hands around my neck, squeezing it gently with a sinister look on his face and a menacing smile, and saying "how easy it would be to kill you now..........."
I was terrified. I screamed and managed to get him off me. The next day, when I spoke to him about it, he had no memory of it, and said he couldn't believe he could have done such an awful, scary thing. But he DOES believe me, and feels bad about it, although he keeps trying to play it down.
I'm genuinely worried there is something very wrong with him - maybe something neurological - eg epilepsy, or a tumour pressing on his brain, something like that perhaps - although admittedly, I'm no doctor - because this is just not like him. I am completely freaked out about it. When he is in one of his "trances" he looks like a drug-addict or alcoholic, although, as I said before, he is definitely neither of those things. He slurs his speech like someone totally spaced out on drugs. It is frightening.
(I should add that his mother is a life-long alcoholic, and completely as mad as a hatter, was emotionally abusive to him as a child, and completely screwed him up. Also - I have no idea if this is relevant - he has a cousin who is schizophrenic (a lovely bloke, really lovely, but due to his terrible disease, he has been known to do things like attack passers-by in the street).
My husband until a couple of days ago simply refused to accept there might be something wrong - that in itself is worrying - and refused to go to the doctor's. But I finally got through to him that he simply must go, so he went. I went in to see the GP first to tell him exactly what had been going on. He seemed very concerned. I hoped he would do something like send my husband for a brain scan. However, all he's done is get him to have a blood test. I do think my GP knows what he's doing, but I'm not very comforted by the thought of just a blood test - I want him to do more. I'm going back to talk to him (the doctor) about it again next week.
Meanwhile, my husband continues to exhibit this bizarre behaviour, and I am scared. I have taken to sleeping with a knife in my bedside drawer, just in case. And tonight, I insisted he sleep in the lounge on the sofa, and take one of my sleeping pills (to knock him out, so he's incapable of harm) as I simply don't want him in bed next to me.
You are probably thinking: why I am I still here with him? Why haven't I moved out yet? Well, there are several reasons. One, I am genuinely worried about him, and care about him, and am worried sick there is something seriously wrong with him. Secondly, I only moved to this part of the country recently, and don't have any friends or other contacts down here yet. Thirdly, I could go to my parents', but they live in a totally different part of England, and I have to be here - where I live - in order to attend all the vital medical appointments I have to go to currently for my Heart Failure. And, if it weren't my husband's behaviour, I like my home, and don't want to leave it. Although I realise that probably makes me sound like a stupid cow.
So that's the situation. My husband is now snoring away in the lounge, and I'm hoping to calm down enough to be able to go to sleep soon - blissful sleep, to block all this out, although I'm not 100% convinced he won't come creeping into my bedroom to put his hands round my neck again.
It's a total, hideous nightmare. I am at my wits' end. No woman should feel like this; no woman should feel frightened to be in her own home with her own husband. Let alone if they are convalescing from a life-threatening disease like mine. Such terrible stress is the last thing my body needs at the moment. I just don't know where to turn.
It has occurred to me to call the police tomorrow, and have a confidential chat with someone, to get it put on the record what's been going on, in case anything does "hapen" to me. However, I'm worried this might lead to my husband getting a black mark against his name, and not being able to get jobs in the future, or anything like that. Because, as I've already explained, I think this will turn out to be not his fault.
I care about my husband so much and am desperately worried that he might be a very sick man. But at the same time, I know I have to put my own health and safety first, no matter what. It's so hard though, especially as I really don't feel well enough yet to grasp the bull by the horns and do something to resolve the situation.
Thankyou if you have persevered with me for this long. Please, please, I'm begging you - I know there are trolls on this advice site who delight in upsetting people, no matter what dire straits they are in - please don't anyone give me a hard time; I just can't take it. If you can't say something constructively helpful, if you just want to criticize me, I'd really rather not hear from y ou. However, if you do have any thoughts or theories, even any really off-the-wall, outlandish ones, please post.
Thankyou for taking the time to read this.
All the very best
Moll
x
In a nutshell.....................
I am 47 years old and so is my husband. We have married since we were 25. Our 22+ years together have been a bit stormy, but nothing physically abusive on either side, and we've basically been happy together - and still are, really. We don't have children, by choice.
My husband is not the warmest person in the world, but he has NEVER been pysically agressive towards me - or towards anyone else - in any way, shape or form. He is not a violent person - usually. He does not drink alcohol, and has never taken drugs. I would know if he were taking either of them, and he's definitely not.
He works at home, freelance, very skilled at what he does, but does not have much work on at the moment.
Just before Christmas, I was taken incredibly ill, and nearly died. My husband rushed me to hospital in the nick of time and I was diagnosed with Heart Failure. This is a very serious condition, and of course we've both been extremely shocked and upset - however, due to the tablets I'm now taking, I'm making very good progress, and feel better and more energetic than I have done for years. It was an awful diagnosis, but seeing as I've got it, it's better to know about it than to not.
The problem is this...........................over the last 5-6 weeks there have been very alarming changes in my husband's behaviour. For one thing, he has been sleeping excessively. Sometimes he sleeps for up to 21 hours a day, day after day. He says it's due to the stress catching up with him, but I find that hard to believe (after all, I've been even more stressed, and I'm not reacting like that.) He just sleeps and sleeps and sleeps. He can't seem to see it's a problem, though, and, despite my having been told I need to rest, he expects me to do absolutely everything around the house; I'm the one who cooks, cleans, irons, goes shopping etc, while he loafs around doing nothing. That in itself would be bad enough.
But it gets worse. When he IS awake, he's behaving really oddly some of the time. He'll be talking to me quite normally and then, in a split second, a strange change seems to come over him - his eyelids droop, his eyes glaze over, he starts slurring his speech, and begins to say really weird things. Afterwards, he has no memory at all of what he, or I, have done or said during these "episodes".
One thing he has taken to saying, over and over again, is that he "wonders what it would be like to kill me; he would like to strangle me with his bare hands just to see what it feels like; he thinks it would be exhilerating". As you can imagine, I find this very creepy, to say the least. So imagine how I felt a couple of weeks ago to find him crouched over me in bed, with his hands around my neck, squeezing it gently with a sinister look on his face and a menacing smile, and saying "how easy it would be to kill you now..........."
I was terrified. I screamed and managed to get him off me. The next day, when I spoke to him about it, he had no memory of it, and said he couldn't believe he could have done such an awful, scary thing. But he DOES believe me, and feels bad about it, although he keeps trying to play it down.
I'm genuinely worried there is something very wrong with him - maybe something neurological - eg epilepsy, or a tumour pressing on his brain, something like that perhaps - although admittedly, I'm no doctor - because this is just not like him. I am completely freaked out about it. When he is in one of his "trances" he looks like a drug-addict or alcoholic, although, as I said before, he is definitely neither of those things. He slurs his speech like someone totally spaced out on drugs. It is frightening.
(I should add that his mother is a life-long alcoholic, and completely as mad as a hatter, was emotionally abusive to him as a child, and completely screwed him up. Also - I have no idea if this is relevant - he has a cousin who is schizophrenic (a lovely bloke, really lovely, but due to his terrible disease, he has been known to do things like attack passers-by in the street).
My husband until a couple of days ago simply refused to accept there might be something wrong - that in itself is worrying - and refused to go to the doctor's. But I finally got through to him that he simply must go, so he went. I went in to see the GP first to tell him exactly what had been going on. He seemed very concerned. I hoped he would do something like send my husband for a brain scan. However, all he's done is get him to have a blood test. I do think my GP knows what he's doing, but I'm not very comforted by the thought of just a blood test - I want him to do more. I'm going back to talk to him (the doctor) about it again next week.
Meanwhile, my husband continues to exhibit this bizarre behaviour, and I am scared. I have taken to sleeping with a knife in my bedside drawer, just in case. And tonight, I insisted he sleep in the lounge on the sofa, and take one of my sleeping pills (to knock him out, so he's incapable of harm) as I simply don't want him in bed next to me.
You are probably thinking: why I am I still here with him? Why haven't I moved out yet? Well, there are several reasons. One, I am genuinely worried about him, and care about him, and am worried sick there is something seriously wrong with him. Secondly, I only moved to this part of the country recently, and don't have any friends or other contacts down here yet. Thirdly, I could go to my parents', but they live in a totally different part of England, and I have to be here - where I live - in order to attend all the vital medical appointments I have to go to currently for my Heart Failure. And, if it weren't my husband's behaviour, I like my home, and don't want to leave it. Although I realise that probably makes me sound like a stupid cow.
So that's the situation. My husband is now snoring away in the lounge, and I'm hoping to calm down enough to be able to go to sleep soon - blissful sleep, to block all this out, although I'm not 100% convinced he won't come creeping into my bedroom to put his hands round my neck again.
It's a total, hideous nightmare. I am at my wits' end. No woman should feel like this; no woman should feel frightened to be in her own home with her own husband. Let alone if they are convalescing from a life-threatening disease like mine. Such terrible stress is the last thing my body needs at the moment. I just don't know where to turn.
It has occurred to me to call the police tomorrow, and have a confidential chat with someone, to get it put on the record what's been going on, in case anything does "hapen" to me. However, I'm worried this might lead to my husband getting a black mark against his name, and not being able to get jobs in the future, or anything like that. Because, as I've already explained, I think this will turn out to be not his fault.
I care about my husband so much and am desperately worried that he might be a very sick man. But at the same time, I know I have to put my own health and safety first, no matter what. It's so hard though, especially as I really don't feel well enough yet to grasp the bull by the horns and do something to resolve the situation.
Thankyou if you have persevered with me for this long. Please, please, I'm begging you - I know there are trolls on this advice site who delight in upsetting people, no matter what dire straits they are in - please don't anyone give me a hard time; I just can't take it. If you can't say something constructively helpful, if you just want to criticize me, I'd really rather not hear from y ou. However, if you do have any thoughts or theories, even any really off-the-wall, outlandish ones, please post.
Thankyou for taking the time to read this.
All the very best
Moll
x
0
Comments
If you can try and persuade him to see a doctor with you to get to the bottom of these episodes. They really do sound like something which he needs to address urgently. Perhaps a brain scan is something that should be considered.
The most important thing is that you feel safe, and if you don't you need to leave, even if it's only temporary. Your own health issues mean that you are in no condition to deal with that type of stress right now
All the best
I really do hope you get this figured out x
2) Stop keeping a knife with you - I have no idea why you would be doing that??! You're endangering your own life and his.
3) Work with the doctors and understand that the first step is a blood test - only then can they decide what the next step should be.
You mentioning the police makes me think you genuinely suspect that your husband is doing this intentionally - and if that is the case you need to leave. Or ask him to leave.
Sorry for what you're going through.
Firstly i would like to say im really sorry to hear of your situation.
Reading through your post it does sound like your husband has some form of mental illness, this may of been triggered by your illness and his body does not know another way of dealing with it, or could possibly be generic, ( as you mention that other family members suffer with mental illness)
My Boyfriend has Bipolar and i can in some way identify in what your feeling.
My bf has never been violent towards me but has been towards another woman, i know this and still im there every step of the way for him even when he ignores me for days on end.
Yes its hard but i love him just like you love your husband, my advice would be to carry on doing what your doing and talk to the doctor as planned.
But i will say, u have o put urself first sometimes and if it means a matter of life and death for you, what would you prefer???
Im not saying walk away completely, but a weekend away ( maybe spend a weekend with a family member) and leave him to his devices- no contact whatsoever!!!!
But please remember this one thing. . .. . . . .. . All the help in the world won't help him unless he acknowledges that he has a problem- that is the most important thing.
This may not be of any use to you, but don't think that your alone.
Many people with mental health issues ( i do believe this is your husbands problem) live fairly normal ( whatever that means) lives with the right support.
Stay strong mainly for yourself, and when you feel you need a break slip away for the weekend.
As for having his actions on record with the police, i do believe that this is a good idea, even if its not for anything that happens to you directly, it could help with getting him assessed.
I wish you and your husband all the love and support you need xxxx
You've told your GP and that's good.
Now you must tell the police that your husband has said he wants to murder you. They will want to talk to him and decide if he needs to be sectioned, which I think might be in both your and your husband's best interests.
If your husband does kill you he will be locked up for a long time and if you care for him you won't want that to happen so you must get help for both of you immediately.
Tell friends and family what's going on, enlist their support.
I will probably call the police today and have a chat to them about this. They have probably seen things like this before and will know what to advise.
I am so scared, for myself and for my husband, I love him so much, and I am as sure as I can be that this is not his fault, but - as you have all told me - I have got to prioritise my own safety.
Will keep you posted.
Thankyou so much.
Moll
x
All of my childhood I remember him being like this, one minute fine and the next a personality change and I was physically attacked.
You need help, and I suggest you get it fast.
Moll, goodness what a traumatic and difficult time you're going through. Your post was so well articulated you've remembered some good examples and detail of your husband's behaviour and I agree it's important you go back to your GP about this.
I do understand that would be pretty nerve racking, so tell him you didn't know where to turn and why not print off your original post and hand it to him to read? They don't mind if it's written and it makes sure you don't forget anything. I think with how serious your heart issues are at the moment, he'd be concerned that this is not only affecting your recuperation but could put your health at risk again.
Oh Bless you Moll .You are having such a horrible time .I agree with all posts above that a latent mental illness can be triggered by stress or upset
I think you need to go back to the GP and tell him everything and that you are deeply concerned and frightened and that a blood test wont sort this out ,Print out your post in case you cant think straight when you see him
Best wishes and I hope its sorted soon and you can be looked after and get well and so can your husband
If you want to get his mental health assessed then you can contact your local social services and ask to speak to an approved mental health professional.
Explain that under the Mental Health Act you're your husband's nearest relative and you would like a mental health assessment to be carried out. Fully explain what is happening.
This could lead to an assessment being carried out of your husband's mental health and your husband being taken to hospital without his consent and him being sectioned. Yes, that can be incredibly hard for everyone but it can also be the appropriate thing to do.
You can call Mind's information line as well on 0300 123 3393 for general guidance and information of places where you can get support with this.
My Grampy had a small stoke recently and he has become very nasty since. When he was in hospital they ended up moving him to a side room because he was being nasty to staff and other patients and certain family members are now refusing to deal with him. So you could be right.
OP, keep pushing the doctors. They need to find out what is going on asap, I wish you all the best of luck.
You also need to make sure that your husband knows exactly how serious this situation is. What that boils down to is that you are in fear of your life.
He must seek help, and if he won't, you must on his behalf. If that means talking (again) to his GP, mental heath care personnel, the police, whatever it takes, then that is what you must do. Whatever is happening is not something that you (or he) can control; you both need outside help.
I wish you all the best.
I'm going to admit, I read this and logged out. Then logged back in because I couldn't ignore it. And Jas has written pretty much what I was going to write.
I would not wait on this. Not one minute. He is ill - seriously. Whether it's functional (schizophrenia or the like) or organic (brain injury/stroke) is neither here nor there at this moment in time. He has made threats to kill and has acted on those threats - you can not wait for the blood test to be done and then 5 days for the results. You need help NOW. I would contact your local mental health team or contact your GP to do so today.
Again - with Jas here - put any weapons away. In fact if you can lock away sharp knives and scissors that would be good. Any weapon you have can be used against you in a struggle.
If this means that you go against your husbands wishes, so be it - to delay could mean serious injury to either of you.
The police may not be able to help themselves but, might be able to advise you on what to do next. This isn't a criminal incident as such, it's a serious mental health issue from what you've said. Get help asap.
Good luck.
Sounds like you are going through a hellish time. This post seems like the best course of action. Good luck with everything.
You need to do everything you can to protect your safety, not to mention your own mental and physical health. The last thing you will feel like doing right now, when you feel so physically rotten, is taking on 'the system' and I understand your worries about leaving your husband with a 'black mark' on his career if you report him to the police. However, if you put everything in context of you believing him to be very unwell and 'out of character', they're likely to be more sympathetic.
Your situation is becoming urgent and you need help- possibly from multiple sources , in order to get you both through this safely. Please seek as much as you can get asap and try not to be put off by red tape and protocol (I did, with my parents, and it led to extra heartache). If you're finding talking on here helpful, great, but you also need professional input, advice and support.
You must feel so wrung out and exhausted and my heart goes out to you. It isn't fair that you're having to deal with this right now. Just try to hold on to the hope that there WILL be another side to this, provided you both get the care and treatment you need. Also, I think you've already shown that you're aware of this but please take some comfort from the likelihood that your husband is genuinely 'not in his right mind' at the moment and, were he well, there is no way he would be behaving like this towards you.
Good luck, my love, and keep talking- keeps safe and look after your own health to the very best you can.
You need to do everything you can to protect your safety, not to mention your own mental and physical health. The last thing you will feel like doing right now, when you feel so physically rotten, is taking on 'the system' and I understand your worries about leaving your husband with a 'black mark' on his career if you report him to the police. However, if you put everything in context of you believing him to be very unwell and 'out of character', they're likely to be more sympathetic.
Your situation is becoming urgent and you need help- possibly from multiple sources , in order to get you both through this safely. Please seek as much as you can get asap and try not to be put off by red tape and protocol (I did, with my parents, and it led to extra heartache). If you're finding talking on here helpful, great, but you also need professional input, advice and support.
You must feel so wrung out and exhausted and my heart goes out to you. It isn't fair that you're having to deal with this right now. Just try to hold on to the hope that there WILL be another side to this, provided you both get the care and treatment you need. Also, I think you've already shown that you're aware of this but please take some comfort from the likelihood that your husband is genuinely 'not in his right mind' at the moment and, were he well, there is no way he would be behaving like this towards you.
Good luck, my love, and keep talking- keeps safe and look after your own health to the very best you can.
Good luck with everything - I hope you get the help you both need.
It is a criminal matter. A threat to kill is a matter for the police. Whether the person making the threat is mentally ill or not, the police should investigate and if they think he should be sectioned then they can arrange that. This is too serious to think that the police don't need to be involved.
You need to put yourself first, even though I know you are worried about your husband - and if this means talking to the police, so you have it on record, then so be it.. You also need to get help for your husband, before you get seriously harmed - he really needs observation by a specialist. Good luck and please stay safe. x
Did mean to say that a correct diagnosis of what is going on will be key to any treatment protocol that is suggested. This might take a while and it's possible that it might involve some time in hospital for him. He may be averse to this but if it is suggested, it might be better for him to agree to it voluntarily rather than have to be sectioned. In the longer term, it might be easier for you both and give you a little breathing space to look after yourself without this constant immediate fear. Humdrummer and jasvinyl, who speak a lot of sense, are correct. This isn't something that can be left to fester. Your husband would never forgive himself if he did hurt you. You might be worrying about seemingly acting 'against' him now but you could be saving yourselves from much worse, further down the line.
You say your husband has been to the GP, but if I were you, I would insist on going him going back with you accompanying him. This is for two reasons:
i) he may not have told them about the threats of violence towards you, or that he had his hands around your neck. He may have been scared of the repurcussions. I'm sure the GP has an obligation to do something in such circumstances, and they need to know the full extent of what is happening during these episodes; and,
ii) your husband doesn't witness these episodes for himself, and therefore can't describe them first hand. You can. There may be something you say that changes the GP's mind about starting out with blood tests.
The other advice I would give you is that if it happens again, and you don't want to phone the police, then phone an ambulance. I would consider deleruim to be a medical emergency, due to the danger of harm to the person and those around them. The hospital and paramedics would be able to see what he is like in the moment, and would probably organise a scan.