As for the stress, one needs time out wherever possible to find your own comfort zone and coping mechanisms for dealing with stress.
Stress is physical as well as mental. Coping it with it, there should be the need to balance the two properly. Yoga, reading, listening to classical music, having baths with herbs or lavender. Drinking camomile tea. Putting something cool on your forehead to ease tension headaches. Going to the supermarket and getting a face pack. General spoiling of the self. Raising good self esteem. Changing diet and eating foods that help lower stress can also help. Having a good scream. Beating an object with a stick. Having a relaxing dinner out and get a babysitter.
There are all kinds of coping mechanisms. These are a few that come to mind.
couple of thoughts - is your son in SEN school or mainstream?
does he see CAMHS?
do you get any support, either from a NAS support group or for example where I live there is a drop in session weekly for parents of SEN kids needed just to chat and share
your partners son, if hes having problems is he seeing CAMHS or can he be referred? would family therapy be an option
also - do you and your partner get any time alone to just be a couple?
(for the people who hate abreviations-
SEN - special educational needs
NAS - national autism society
CAMHS - children and adolescent mental health services)
Well he is mainstream school. At face value his problems don't seem too severe but he doesn't interact well with his peers. He has the usual hypersensitivity to noise, light clothing labels etc and just seems to find the most simple things impossible.
My partners son, as far as his school can ascertain has learned behaviour from an older sibling at his own home. I feel sorry for him, i feel that He should be living with us and visiting his mum so that we can start to address his problems. But i don't have the support from my partner. He says he wants this but doesn't accept the problems just blames one of the other kids etc. I realise these are the usual problems with step families but i can't do it on my own.
We never have time alone, he is never here.
hi Stud. this is a really interesting post, as mentioned my son has dyspraxia as well as autism and ADHD - I have found even his teachers have very very little knowledge of it - he obviously has problems like the other kids wont let him play football at break with them, he veers towards people when walking all the time, constantly steps on toes - all things which help to target him for bullies. I tried kung fu for him to help spacial awareness which helped a little.
although I have found books for him aimed at his age group (10) on ADHD and autism, never managed to find one on dyspraxia....
sorry OP, for the small hijack
It is all very helpful. A lot of those symptoms you write about I still do, so your son is probably going to keep them going and will need to do exercises everyday throughout his life to help minimalise them. They need to be fun. I know when I was younger I found the exercises rather dull and boring and it was not explained properly what the point of them was to the point where I stopped doing them.
Tai Chi is great. I would recommend it. it is slow and gentle, it calms the soul and often see a lot of people practicing it these days somewhere quiet. My town has a Tai Chi garden by the sea. Another good method of lowering stress.
Well he is mainstream school. At face value his problems don't seem too severe but he doesn't interact well with his peers. He has the usual hypersensitivity to noise, light clothing labels etc and just seems to find the most simple things impossible.
My partners son, as far as his school can ascertain has learned behaviour from an older sibling at his own home. I feel sorry for him, i feel that He should be living with us and visiting his mum so that we can start to address his problems. But i don't have the support from my partner. He says he wants this but doesn't accept the problems just blames one of the other kids etc. I realise these are the usual problems with step families but i can't do it on my own.
We never have time alone, he is never here.
sounds absolutely crap for you
I have opted to send my boy to a SEN secondary, he didnt cope well with inclusion in primary school, one more year to go...
do you think your OH would agree to a CAMHS referral for his son?
if your other children are older could they babysit at all so you and OH could get out even if only one night a month or so?
sounds like you are giving a lot and getting sod all in return!
Well he is mainstream school. At face value his problems don't seem too severe but he doesn't interact well with his peers. He has the usual hypersensitivity to noise, light clothing labels etc and just seems to find the most simple things impossible.
My partners son, as far as his school can ascertain has learned behaviour from an older sibling at his own home. I feel sorry for him, i feel that He should be living with us and visiting his mum so that we can start to address his problems. But i don't have the support from my partner. He says he wants this but doesn't accept the problems just blames one of the other kids etc. I realise these are the usual problems with step families but i can't do it on my own.
We never have time alone, he is never here.
Oh dear. I felt very sad reading this and I do feel for you.
You do need more support from your partner as sooner or later,something is going to snap and you are going to end up exhausted.
You shouldn't be expected to do everything on your own. That is very unfair and unjust. There should be groups out there that can help online with video conferencing.
Children need stability. Usually when kids cause problems, they are having difficulty fitting in and as if they were an outsider.
Dyspraxia and other developmental difficulties can also make a person feel that they too are outsiders and that they are different.
Patience is the key. The older your son gets, hopefully, he will get used to his body and how to control it better.
Puberty may well be difficult for him and that will need a lot of help and advice as it can well be scary and puberty isn't often discussed or spoken about. I would hate for a child to have to go through puberty alone especially with developmental issues.
My Mum used to shout at me and so did school teachers. At the time dyspraxia wasn't known fully and I was simply labelled "clumsy". These days there is a lot of advice and help for parents and children living with dyspraxia especially written by people who had trouble with it while growing up.
These days I can do most things if not all things if I put my mind to it and concentrate. It does get better,although my mother still worries as I still find certain new situations difficult to cope with but once I have encountered an issue, I can have a point of reference to think back to.
Children need to be aware of this when they are little. It makes life a lot easier.
Thank you. This makes sense. And my son is almost 13 so puberty is definitely am issue. He is so funny and lively and makes us laugh but it breaks my heart when he gets so frustrated with himself.
I guess what doesn't help are the tensions that are present. Im often left to look after all 4 children and my partner will stroll in and automatically blame my son because he is older and should know better. After investigations no problems have been found with his son but he gets excused because he is younger. Im not being biased, i was just as harsh with mine and they don't have those elements of nasty behaviour so i have to think of how it affects my own children to have to deal with the spiteful behaviour and the fact that it is excused. Does that make sense?
hi Stud. this is a really interesting post, as mentioned my son has dyspraxia as well as autism and ADHD - I have found even his teachers have very very little knowledge of it - he obviously has problems like the other kids wont let him play football at break with them, he veers towards people when walking all the time, constantly steps on toes - all things which help to target him for bullies. I tried kung fu for him to help spacial awareness which helped a little.
although I have found books for him aimed at his age group (10) on ADHD and autism, never managed to find one on dyspraxia....
sounds absolutely crap for you
I have opted to send my boy to a SEN secondary, he didnt cope well with inclusion in primary school, one more year to go...
do you think your OH would agree to a CAMHS referral for his son?
if your other children are older could they babysit at all so you and OH could get out even if only one night a month or so?
sounds like you are giving a lot and getting sod all in return!
I had to change my sons school half way through his first year of high school as both the SEN Co and student support accused him of lying about being bullied. It was awful, I had to investigate it myself and even tho he left there in January I have pushed for an apology for my son as he was telling the truth and i didn't want him to feel bad and blame himself. I got the apology for him finally two weeks ago.
No babysitting is not an option as my children are 11, 12 and 2. OH son is 8
I had to change my sons school half way through his first year of high school as both the SEN Co and student support accused him of lying about being bullied. It was awful, I had to investigate it myself and even tho he left there in January I have pushed for an apology for my son as he was telling the truth and i didn't want him to feel bad and blame himself. I got the apology for him finally two weeks ago.
No babysitting is not an option as my children are 11, 12 and 2. OH son is 8
I had to push when my son was bullied too - it was only when I broke down in tears in the heads office did they 'get it'
I would try to get OH to agree to a camhs referral for his son - it would help everyone in particular the little boy, who sounds like he probably doesnt know whether hes coming or going
I had to push when my son was bullied too - it was only when I broke down in tears in the heads office did they 'get it'
I would try to get OH to agree to a camhs referral for his son - it would help everyone in particular the little boy, who sounds like he probably doesnt know whether hes coming or going
do you get any time to yourself at all?
Not really. On my driving lessons, does that count?
I will look into the referral, something has to give and we need objective advice for sure
Thank you. This makes sense. And my son is almost 13 so puberty is definitely am issue. He is so funny and lively and makes us laugh but it breaks my heart when he gets so frustrated with himself.
I guess what doesn't help are the tensions that are present. Im often left to look after all 4 children and my partner will stroll in and automatically blame my son because he is older and should know better. After investigations no problems have been found with his son but he gets excused because he is younger. Im not being biased, i was just as harsh with mine and they don't have those elements of nasty behaviour so i have to think of how it affects my own children to have to deal with the spiteful behaviour and the fact that it is excused. Does that make sense?
He shouldn't be excused. If it was me, I would be asking in a calm manner. "How do you think that makes people feel?" "How would you feel if someone hit or stole from you?" I would also be trying to find out why he does these things. It could be attention seeking or it could be great unhappiness.
He shouldn't be excused. If it was me, I would be asking in a calm manner. "How do you think that makes people feel?" "How would you feel if someone hit or stole from you?" I would also be trying to find out why he does these things. It could be attention seeking or it could be great unhappiness.
Yes that's my approach too. We get shrugs and tears and that is how it has always been. I don't know the answer, i really don't
The problems lie mainly with your partner imo and it is this you need to get sorted.The step family situation can be a difficult one and you must both be singing from the same hymn sheet or you will have constant struggle and strife.
This poor 8 year old boy has been rejected by his mother and has a father who is barely there and a step mum who favours her own children..............and you are wondering why he acts up!
Sorry if the above sounds harsh but that is how i see it from what you have posted so far and that is how this young child will see it too i imagine.
For the step family to work ALL children must be treated equally,this can be difficult sometimes but you are the adult and must find a way,that is why you need to get your partner on board also to share the responsibility.
Your family situation is a difficult one and I do understand the stress that this must cause but blaming an 8 year old child is not really fair.
My advice to you, at nearly 9 o' clock on a Friday night, is to pour yourself a nice glass of wine, watch something suitably trashy on TV (not CBB though, okay?;)) and be kind to yourself over the weekend.
That's lovely advice. I second this and OP, hang in there. Something will turn up and don't be afraid to ask for help, things might settle down on their own too.
The problems lie mainly with your partner imo and it is this you need to get sorted.The step family situation can be a difficult one and you must both be singing from the same hymn sheet or you will have constant struggle and strife.
This poor 8 year old boy has been rejected by his mother and has a father who is barely there and a step mum who favours her own children..............and you are wondering why he acts up!
Sorry if the above sounds harsh but that is how i see it from what you have posted so far and that is how this young child will see it too i imagine.
For the step family to work ALL children must be treated equally,this can be difficult sometimes but you are the adult and must find a way,that is why you need to get your partner on board also to share the responsibility.
Your family situation is a difficult one and I do understand the stress that this must cause but blaming an 8 year old child is not really fair.
I dont blame him, I just said I cant cope with it.
I treat ALL the children the same, this is the problem, I have high standards which the little boys mother doesnt share!
That's lovely advice. I second this and OP, hang in there. Something will turn up and don't be afraid to ask for help, things might settle down on their own too.
I do have a great relationship with him and we are very close but i do have to put my children first and his own mother does need to step up to the mark
From what you have posted you see him as an interloper....'he is disrupting MY family'?
As I have said,I am sure things are not easy for you and you have my sympathy but i really feel for this poor little boy in all this.
If anything, I make more allowances for him. He and I have a great relationship. maybe I worded it wrong, I guess most of my frustration is aimed at his mother and my partner.
If anything, I make more allowances for him. He and I have a great relationship. maybe I worded it wrong, I guess most of my frustration is aimed at his mother and my partner.
Absolutely, maybe your partner should have a taste of his own medicine, because if it carries on like this you will crack and he will be left with it all. Does he ever give you a break? The thing is, from what you say,he doesn't want to have to deal with it does he?
Comments
Does it actually matter exactly what it is ? It's obviously some sort of disorder - the details are not really needed.
The guy is asking for advice about how to deal with the whole situation not just one part of it.
Stress is physical as well as mental. Coping it with it, there should be the need to balance the two properly. Yoga, reading, listening to classical music, having baths with herbs or lavender. Drinking camomile tea. Putting something cool on your forehead to ease tension headaches. Going to the supermarket and getting a face pack. General spoiling of the self. Raising good self esteem. Changing diet and eating foods that help lower stress can also help. Having a good scream. Beating an object with a stick. Having a relaxing dinner out and get a babysitter.
There are all kinds of coping mechanisms. These are a few that come to mind.
My partners son, as far as his school can ascertain has learned behaviour from an older sibling at his own home. I feel sorry for him, i feel that He should be living with us and visiting his mum so that we can start to address his problems. But i don't have the support from my partner. He says he wants this but doesn't accept the problems just blames one of the other kids etc. I realise these are the usual problems with step families but i can't do it on my own.
We never have time alone, he is never here.
It is all very helpful. A lot of those symptoms you write about I still do, so your son is probably going to keep them going and will need to do exercises everyday throughout his life to help minimalise them. They need to be fun. I know when I was younger I found the exercises rather dull and boring and it was not explained properly what the point of them was to the point where I stopped doing them.
Tai Chi is great. I would recommend it. it is slow and gentle, it calms the soul and often see a lot of people practicing it these days somewhere quiet. My town has a Tai Chi garden by the sea. Another good method of lowering stress.
sounds absolutely crap for you
I have opted to send my boy to a SEN secondary, he didnt cope well with inclusion in primary school, one more year to go...
do you think your OH would agree to a CAMHS referral for his son?
if your other children are older could they babysit at all so you and OH could get out even if only one night a month or so?
sounds like you are giving a lot and getting sod all in return!
Oh dear. I felt very sad reading this and I do feel for you.
You do need more support from your partner as sooner or later,something is going to snap and you are going to end up exhausted.
You shouldn't be expected to do everything on your own. That is very unfair and unjust. There should be groups out there that can help online with video conferencing.
I guess what doesn't help are the tensions that are present. Im often left to look after all 4 children and my partner will stroll in and automatically blame my son because he is older and should know better. After investigations no problems have been found with his son but he gets excused because he is younger. Im not being biased, i was just as harsh with mine and they don't have those elements of nasty behaviour so i have to think of how it affects my own children to have to deal with the spiteful behaviour and the fact that it is excused. Does that make sense?
No babysitting is not an option as my children are 11, 12 and 2. OH son is 8
I had to push when my son was bullied too - it was only when I broke down in tears in the heads office did they 'get it'
I would try to get OH to agree to a camhs referral for his son - it would help everyone in particular the little boy, who sounds like he probably doesnt know whether hes coming or going
do you get any time to yourself at all?
I will look into the referral, something has to give and we need objective advice for sure
He shouldn't be excused. If it was me, I would be asking in a calm manner. "How do you think that makes people feel?" "How would you feel if someone hit or stole from you?" I would also be trying to find out why he does these things. It could be attention seeking or it could be great unhappiness.
if thats the case its no wonder you feel trapped and exhausted.
do your kids see their dad? if so can you get some time alone when they are there?
This poor 8 year old boy has been rejected by his mother and has a father who is barely there and a step mum who favours her own children..............and you are wondering why he acts up!
Sorry if the above sounds harsh but that is how i see it from what you have posted so far and that is how this young child will see it too i imagine.
For the step family to work ALL children must be treated equally,this can be difficult sometimes but you are the adult and must find a way,that is why you need to get your partner on board also to share the responsibility.
Your family situation is a difficult one and I do understand the stress that this must cause but blaming an 8 year old child is not really fair.
No my kids dont see their Dad :-(
I dont blame him, I just said I cant cope with it.
I treat ALL the children the same, this is the problem, I have high standards which the little boys mother doesnt share!
Thank you :-)
The OP could probably do with advice from those who know about this condition, so wouldn't matter how the OP phrased it.
From what you have posted you see him as an interloper....'he is disrupting MY family'?
As I have said,I am sure things are not easy for you and you have my sympathy but i really feel for this poor little boy in all this.
If anything, I make more allowances for him. He and I have a great relationship. maybe I worded it wrong, I guess most of my frustration is aimed at his mother and my partner.
Absolutely, maybe your partner should have a taste of his own medicine, because if it carries on like this you will crack and he will be left with it all. Does he ever give you a break? The thing is, from what you say,he doesn't want to have to deal with it does he?
I think you deserve a medal.