freddie frinton following thora hird's "suddenly talking posh" lead in Meet The Wife. happened once per episode usually about half way through. sounds silly but worked.
Another that had me and my wife giggling long after the programme was over - Damien the roving reporter in Drop the Dead Donkey gets heart-rending pictures of cormorants affected by an oil slick, but the news editor confronts him - "You were seen taking healthy cormorants and dunking them in an oil barrel!"
Henry doing the lottery for the first time when it was launched:
"I'm trying to pick numbers that mean something and I thought of how many times I've had sex in the last week, but that was too high".
Joy: "How about just picking those times when there was someone else present!"
I'd be here all week if I did all my favourite lines from Yes Minister/Prime Minister (not the remake)
This however is a particular favourite
Hacker: Don't tell me about the press. I know exactly who reads the papers: The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country; The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country; The Times is read by the people who actually do run the country; The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country; The Financial Times is read by people who own the country; The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country; And The Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is. Sir Humphrey: Oh and Prime Minister, what about the people who read The Sun? Bernard: Sun readers don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big tits.
or this genius exchange which is even better in the delivery
Sir Humphrey: With Trident we could obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe. Hacker: I don't want to obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe. Sir Humphrey: It's a deterrent. Hacker: It's a bluff. I probably wouldn't use it. Sir Humphrey: Yes, but they don't know that you probably wouldn't. Hacker: They probably do. Sir Humphrey: Yes, they probably know that you probably wouldn't. But they can't certainly know. Hacker: They probably certainly know that I probably wouldn't. Sir Humphrey: Yes, but even though they probably certainly know that you probably wouldn't, they can't certainly know that although you probably wouldn't, there is no probability that you certainly would!
oh stuff it, I'm here I'll do another
Sir Humphrey: Bernard, what is the purpose of our defence policy? Bernard: To defend Britain. Sir Humphrey: No, Bernard. It is to make people believe Britain is defended. Bernard: The Russians? Sir Humphrey: Not the Russians, the British! The Russians know it's not.
Just watching an episode of Frasier from this morning and this made me laugh:
Roz: "So how did your date with Lorna go? Did you get up enough nerve to ask her to dinner?"
Frasier: "To dinner and breakfast. We spent the night together."
Roz: "Whooa you went to bed with the Prom queen?"
Frasier: " Yes and I woke up with Carrie."
Blackadder: I didn't know you had a girl?
Percy: Oh yes. Lady Caroline Fairfax
Blackadder: Caroline! I didn't know you knew her
Percy: Oh yes! I even touched her once
Blackadder: Touched her what?
Percy: Her once. In a corridor
Blackadder: I've never heard it called that before. Never mind, when you get home in six months, you'll be a hero. She might even let you get your hands on her twice.
Blackadder: I didn't know you had a girl?
Percy: Oh yes. Lady Caroline Fairfax
Blackadder: Caroline! I didn't know you knew her
Percy: Oh yes! I even touched her once
Blackadder: Touched her what?
Percy: Her once. In a corridor
Blackadder: I've never heard it called that before. Never mind, when you get home in six months, you'll be a hero. She might even let you get your hands on her twice.
Blackadder: Who's your new girl
Percy: Jane Harrington
Blackadder: not Jane, bury me in a y-shaped coffin Harrington?
Another Frasier line;
Niles - Not interrupting anything am I?
Roz - Yes, Niles. Me and your dad have eloped. I'm your new mom.
Niles - Well, I'll be a son of a bitch!
I always laugh at thids scene from Big Bang Theory, where Penny and Sheldon are in the hospital aiting room after she has dislocated her shoulder.
Sheldon: According to the inexplicably irritable nurse behind the desk, you'll be seen after the man who claims to be having a heart attack but appears well enough to be playing Doodle Jump on his iPhone. We have to fill these out. Describe the illness or injury
Penny: I dislocated my shoulder.
Sheldon: All right, and how did the accident occur?
Penny: You already know that.
Sheldon: [writing] Cause of accident- lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Kidney disease?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Migraines?
Penny: Getting one.
Sheldon: Are you currently pregnant?
Penny: No
Sheldon: Are you sure? You look a bit puffy.
Penny: Change migraine to 'yes'.
Sheldon: When was your last menstrual period?
Penny: Oh- Next question!
Sheldon: I'll put 'in progress'. Okay, moving to psychiatric disorders, list all behavioural diagnoses e.g. depression, anxiety etcetera.
Penny: Oh my god! What the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder!?
A recent repeat of Father Ted. Just sticks in my mind.
Mrs Doyle to Jack (holding a cup to his face), "What would you say to a cup of Tea"
Jack "**** off tea"
Daphne: Oh, come on now, Dr Crane. It's not like men have never used sex to get what they want.
Frasier: How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex is what we want!
A couple of months back on 999 What's Your Emergency:-
Caller: We need an ambulance. He's bleeding, there's blood everywhere.
Operator: Yes, stay calm caller. Where's he bleeding from?
Caller: Poland.
I love the title sequence to this where the policeman asks "I'm looking for a man with a sofa on his head - have you seen him?" - to a man walking down the street in the dark......carrying a sofa on his head......
Blanche in Corrie at the AA meeting
''be carefull, she'll be coming on to you next, there worse than a pair of swingers (referring to Ken and Dreary)
Denise Royle ''she's not even the fly, because she's to fat to be the fly, she's the shit and thats what they are the two piles of shit (talking about Dave and Beverley Macca)
Barbara ''lets not bring shit into it''
Comments
Eric looks out of window as Fire Engine/Police car passes with sirens blazing
"He'll never sell ice creams going at that speed"
I tend to use that one myself on occassions!
The only decent gag in that terrible show, but didn't it go more like
' it'll be your cock up - my arse! '
It wasn't a great comedy but the thread is funniest lines.....
just done a little search here it is f/f to 1.56
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NF4ZFWXdGcg
freddie frinton following thora hird's "suddenly talking posh" lead in Meet The Wife. happened once per episode usually about half way through. sounds silly but worked.
Now I may be packing the kind of tackle that you would expect to find swinging about behind the hind legs of a grand national winner'
Henry doing the lottery for the first time when it was launched:
"I'm trying to pick numbers that mean something and I thought of how many times I've had sex in the last week, but that was too high".
Joy: "How about just picking those times when there was someone else present!"
This however is a particular favourite
Hacker: Don't tell me about the press. I know exactly who reads the papers: The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country; The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country; The Times is read by the people who actually do run the country; The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country; The Financial Times is read by people who own the country; The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country; And The Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is.
Sir Humphrey: Oh and Prime Minister, what about the people who read The Sun?
Bernard: Sun readers don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big tits.
or this genius exchange which is even better in the delivery
Sir Humphrey: With Trident we could obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe.
Hacker: I don't want to obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe.
Sir Humphrey: It's a deterrent.
Hacker: It's a bluff. I probably wouldn't use it.
Sir Humphrey: Yes, but they don't know that you probably wouldn't.
Hacker: They probably do.
Sir Humphrey: Yes, they probably know that you probably wouldn't. But they can't certainly know.
Hacker: They probably certainly know that I probably wouldn't.
Sir Humphrey: Yes, but even though they probably certainly know that you probably wouldn't, they can't certainly know that although you probably wouldn't, there is no probability that you certainly would!
oh stuff it, I'm here I'll do another
Sir Humphrey: Bernard, what is the purpose of our defence policy?
Bernard: To defend Britain.
Sir Humphrey: No, Bernard. It is to make people believe Britain is defended.
Bernard: The Russians?
Sir Humphrey: Not the Russians, the British! The Russians know it's not.
Roz: "So how did your date with Lorna go? Did you get up enough nerve to ask her to dinner?"
Frasier: "To dinner and breakfast. We spent the night together."
Roz: "Whooa you went to bed with the Prom queen?"
Frasier: " Yes and I woke up with Carrie."
Percy: Oh yes. Lady Caroline Fairfax
Blackadder: Caroline! I didn't know you knew her
Percy: Oh yes! I even touched her once
Blackadder: Touched her what?
Percy: Her once. In a corridor
Blackadder: I've never heard it called that before. Never mind, when you get home in six months, you'll be a hero. She might even let you get your hands on her twice.
Well, go to Spain. There are millions of them.
Blackadder: Who's your new girl
Percy: Jane Harrington
Blackadder: not Jane, bury me in a y-shaped coffin Harrington?
Niles - Not interrupting anything am I?
Roz - Yes, Niles. Me and your dad have eloped. I'm your new mom.
Niles - Well, I'll be a son of a bitch!
Sheldon: According to the inexplicably irritable nurse behind the desk, you'll be seen after the man who claims to be having a heart attack but appears well enough to be playing Doodle Jump on his iPhone. We have to fill these out. Describe the illness or injury
Penny: I dislocated my shoulder.
Sheldon: All right, and how did the accident occur?
Penny: You already know that.
Sheldon: [writing] Cause of accident- lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Kidney disease?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Migraines?
Penny: Getting one.
Sheldon: Are you currently pregnant?
Penny: No
Sheldon: Are you sure? You look a bit puffy.
Penny: Change migraine to 'yes'.
Sheldon: When was your last menstrual period?
Penny: Oh- Next question!
Sheldon: I'll put 'in progress'. Okay, moving to psychiatric disorders, list all behavioural diagnoses e.g. depression, anxiety etcetera.
Penny: Oh my god! What the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder!?
Sheldon: [Writing] Episodes of sub-psychotic rage
Penny: Ass!
Sheldon: Possible Tourettes.
I want a Waldorf Salad!!
Well, I think we're just out of Waldorfs.
Mrs Doyle to Jack (holding a cup to his face), "What would you say to a cup of Tea"
Jack "**** off tea"
Frasier: How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex is what we want!
I love the title sequence to this where the policeman asks "I'm looking for a man with a sofa on his head - have you seen him?" - to a man walking down the street in the dark......carrying a sofa on his head......
Blackadder and Baldrick are talking and in the background you hear a knock at the door.
Blackadder: Baldrick get the door
Baldrick leaves to get the door a few seconds later Baldrick walks back into room with the door smashed across his head.
Blackadder: Baldrick you had better make this phenomenally good
Blackadder is going to sack Baldrick, Baldrick pleads but sir I have been in your family for many years . Blackadder retorts yeah and so has syphillis
Blanche: "This is strictly off the record, but Dirk's nearly five years younger than I am."
Dorothy: "In what Blanche? Dog years?"
''be carefull, she'll be coming on to you next, there worse than a pair of swingers (referring to Ken and Dreary)
Denise Royle ''she's not even the fly, because she's to fat to be the fly, she's the shit and thats what they are the two piles of shit (talking about Dave and Beverley Macca)
Barbara ''lets not bring shit into it''
From Malcolm In The Middle.
'You are taking far too many libertys with the liberty taking!'
Can't miss out the classic David Brent line from The Office training session,
'there's been a rape up there'
PS That line will look a bit distasteful out of context
"Well do you think I'm attractive?!"
Rimmer
"You?! Of course not, I think you look like a half-chewed rubber tipped pencil"
Cat
"There's just one thing that baffles me..."
Rimmer
"What's that?"
Cat
"Everything"