I've been through this very situation quite recently with a friend of my daughter's. Not a youngster, she's in her thirties with a child and two years ago informed everyone that she had leukaemia and that she was going through chemo, but it wasn't working and that's why she hadn't lost her hair, that she was being used as a guinea pig for new treatments but they weren't working either, that it had spread to her liver and to her breast. The school started a fund to help her through her treatment but she was so healthy that doubts were cast about the whole situation.
Needless to say, she's now quite friendless, it was wicked and unforgiveable. My daughter had even agreed to bring up her son when the inevitable happened as she was separated from her husband and she didn't want her son having to change schools.
Isn't this sort of behaviour considered to be a diosease im it's own right. At the very least the people who do this must have some underlying issues that they do not know how to deal with properly. That is not to say that it can't be very upsetting for those who are drawn into the lies but there is perhaps more to it than them being just evil. Although I can see why people feel that way especialy when they know or are close to someone who is really suffering in some way.
If the o.p aproached this person with an offer of help might that be a way around it. As to say, look we know whats going on isn't it time you came clean and tried to get some help for the problem you do have rather than trying to garner sympathy for one you don't.
Could that have been the case in your friends daughter? (I'm not trying to lessen in any way your reaction to it as I really do see how distressing it could be to those who are taken in.)
I am really sorry you have got caught up in this woman's deceit.
Do you know the symptoms of stomach cancer? Maybe you could make one up and ask if she is suffering from the fake symptom then a bit later say you made a mistake and that isn't a symptom after all??
If she has lied about all these things it could be that she needs help or that she is worried nobody would like her for who she is so thought she would "liven" up her character and just let it get out of hand.
Good luck in calling her on it and I hope the situation doesn't get ugly.
It was attention, pure and simple, this female had invented a life in South Africa that hadn't happened. You could be right about the Munchausens and she does need some kind of treatment, of that there's no doubt.
If only these people realised the hurt and pain that they cause those who actually cared about them. My daughter was distraught when she thought she was going to lose her friend.
Sorry, I should have quoted, the response is to Bom.
It is sad. Deep down these people must know that they can't get away with it forever and that reality will have to crash in on them at some point.
If I was craving some attention I think I'd just wear a hideous shirt or something.
You're right there, they create these lies to seek attention which they receive but when the truth comes out they lose everything they ever had and have to move on to try to find new friends. They're the losers and that's sad.
I'd be very careful how I approached somebody over something like this
Either she is telling the truth, but is the very early stages and so doesn't seem too bad
Or she has misunderstood the diagnosis, and believes she has cancer when she doesn't
Or she is completely lying, in which case, she must have some sort of mental illness, which may not be helped by you confronting her.
Does she have any family who are acquainted with who you could politely mention in passing how sorry you are to hear about her cancer, they may be able to confirm, deny or explain the situation without causing a huge scene
I was in a similar situation to this about a year ago with a neighbour. She didn't say she was ill, but she told lie after lie after lie, and they were usually big ones!
She told us her husband had been killed in 9 11, and would sit and sniff when telling us about memorial services she'd been to in the states and London. - Her husband's name is not on the list of victims, she appears to have no photos of this husband, who she claims to have been devoted to ( I asked to see a pic of him one day when we were casually chatting about him, she went through loads of cupboards and eventually found a pic of a man holding her son, it was a bit blurred and his head was turned partly away from the camera, it could have been anyone!). I honestly don't think she was ever married.
She then told us her husband's family members were flying over at regular intervals from the USA to attempt to kidnap her son. There were huge fights and the police were involved. Noone else ever saw these people or the police. I offered to go to the police and lawyers with her, but she always had to go on her own!
She also told us that her husband's best friend had come over to stay with her for a few days. Despite my family being in her house during the time he was staying, noone ever saw any evidence of him being there! She said at first he was just a friend, then he was an ex lover, then she said they had rekindled their affair and she thought she might be pregnant! Even her son had never seen this man who was staying in their home! I believe that if I had stayed in contact with her, I would have been subjected to her crying about a fake miscarriage a few weeks later. I certainly haven't seen her pushing a pram around the neighbourhood!
She told us she had got a job, which she never had. She described the whole interview process everything, I think she thought I wouldn't notice that she never went to work!
She also told us she had just discovered that her late husband had an affair with her bridesmaid and got her pregnant, so she then had a visit from them, which no one else saw, despite there being another big fight in the street and police arresting everyone!
She did sustain some injuries in these fights and I believe she did them herself. She had a mark on her face where she had been "punched", but it looked more like a burn
It was a very stressful time, as we were gradually dragged in to her lies, as she needed help with different things. In the beginning we felt very sorry for her and had no reason to doubt what she was telling us. I never confronted her about her lies, as I wasn't sure how she would react. I just broke all contact with her, which was easier than expected, considering how close she lives to me. Everything that happened to her was a drama and I feel sorry for her as she will never have any friends, because she lies to get friends, then once they realise she's lied, she loses them again. I feel more pity for he poor son though.
Shockingly, I've heard of this before. My ex father in law gave us a very convincing tale that he was dying of lung cancer. Tears were shed. My ex hubby and myself were very upset and wanted to help in any way we could. We shared the same G.P. and went to see him. He wouldn't confirm or deny what father in law had said but stated, " I have told your father he needs serious help with his alcohol problem". It turned out the cancer claim was a complete lie. I was very upset because he knew full well I had only recently lost my Nan to pancreatic cancer.
Anyone lying about cancer needs professional help.
Stomach cancer is quite an aggressive form of cancer. The prognosis is rarely positive with approx. 30% of patients recovering from the most successful form of action (surgery).
If this woman seems well within herself, has not had surgery/chemo/treatment, then she is clearly lying about it. Her morbidity would be clearly affected, but it seems like it hasn't.
OP - the next time she mentions it to you, that is when you should confront her, maybe say something along the lines of this;
I've seen what stomach cancer can do to people and I've spoken to a few people who have seen their loved ones die from stomach cancer. I'm really sorry, but I have reservations about the severity of your condition. Stomach cancer is quite aggressive and to combat it, quite serious treatment is required. You appear well and to date, have not shown any affects of the treatment you would have received. I wish you well, but please do not talk to me about your condition anymore, it brings back too many memories.
My alcoholic sister claimed to have stomach cancer. That was a few years ago. She is still alive. I had reservations about how truthful she was being (i.e. when I offered to help and attend hospital with her, she said due to doctor/patient confidentiality, I wasn't allowed....hmmm, WTF?!...she also said she had to pay for medication, I said what kind, she said not to bother...). I still think she was lying, yet have no proof other than she's still alive.
Good luck with confronting her, let us know how you get on.
People can be very strange. I went out with a girl who told me she was bought up in Northern Ireland, and they had to move home weekly as her dad was Chief Constable of The RUC. I believed her. It was years later a mutual friend told me he was actually a PC in Harrow.
I think I just find it really hard to believe that anybody could lie over something like this, it's such an awful thing, so I keep looking for alternative solutions as to whats going on...
I know in my case I have lots of medical problems although I look fairly healthy (I do make a huge effort not to look like an "ill person") and I never tell people everything I have all in one go....so know when somebody says about a medical test or illness and I say something like "I've had that done" or "I've got that" ect...I can tell by their faces they dint really believe me, they probably think I cant possible have everything" ...sometimes I find it hard to believe myself, so I can understand why others would be a bit sceptical
But even two people with exactly the same condition may not necessarily have the same experience...so thats why I find it hard to brand somebody a liar over something like this.....you just never know what is going on in somebody Else's life...and just because they look fit and healthy, doesn't alway mean they are
I think I just find it really hard to believe that anybody could lie over something like this, it's such an awful thing, so I keep looking for alternative solutions as to whats going on...
I know in my case I have lots of medical problems although I look fairly healthy (I do make a huge effort not to look like an "ill person") and I never tell people everything I have all in one go....so know when somebody says about a medical test or illness and I say something like "I've had that done" or "I've got that" ect...I can tell by their faces they dint really believe me, they probably think I cant possible have everything" ...sometimes I find it hard to believe myself, so I can understand why others would be a bit sceptical
But even two people with exactly the same condition may not necessarily have the same experience...so thats why I find it hard to brand somebody a liar over something like this.....you just never know what is going on in somebody Else's life...and just because they look fit and healthy, doesn't alway mean they are
I totally understand what you are saying, but if it wasn't for all the other really big lies she has told, how she keeps telling people different things about her cancer, how her health seems not to have sufferred, she rarely has any time off work, her diet doesn't seem to have changed and her family don't know anything about her "cancer", then I would give her the benefit of the doubt.
Just curious for people's opinions really. I have a work mate who about 10 months ago told everyone at work she has stomach cancer.
Her exact words were as I recall "You should come out for my birthday because it could be my last one because I have cancer."
For various reasons such as her manager demanding proof of her condition (10 months ago) and her still having not yet provided it, her constant lies, that she has told people numerous times not to mention it to her family, that her health does not seem to have suffered in anyway etc etc Everyone who we work with, including me believes she is lying about having cancer.
She talks to me about it and I have so far played along like I believe her, but today when she slipped up yet again with another lie she told (about not being able to have kids), I nearly blurted out to her that I don't believe she has cancer.
If you were in my situation would you carry on acting like you believed her or would you confront her and tell her you don't?
I wouldn't actually confront her about it. But I'd make it absolutely obvious that I considered her story to be codswallop, by ignoring what she said, and instantly start talking about something lighthearted and meaningless.
She'll soon get the message.
Incidentally, she wouldn't have had stomach cancer for 10 months and still be around as though nothing had happened. She'd either be dead or had very radical surgery.
I've been in this exact situation OP, but it was with a very close friend, in fact my best friend.
He developed cancer and told me that the prognosis was not good. I'm still not sure to this day exactly what kind of cancer he had, although I know it was around the bowel/stomach/groin area apparantly.
He would go to the hospital every week. He allowed me to drop him off but not to visit him, not because he didnt want me to, but he would always come up with some excuse why I couldnt. He also started to go bald with the chemo, but this was in 'patches' that were very rectangular and grew back stubbly after half a day. Eventually he shaved his whole head and the hair was clearly growing back straight away, though he kept shaving it to make him look bald.
I started to get suspicious and would call the hospital when he was there to see how he was doing, especially when he stayed in overnight. Not once did they have record of a patient by his name.
Somehow he managed to keep making excuses, evading answering and I guess lying completely.
After a few months I became absolutely positive that he was lying but I also had no idea what to do. I would deliberately try and ask questions that I knew he would have to lie about, trying to catch him out, but the trouble is that even if someone gives an excuse that you know is a lie, you still have to confront them on it - and then they will just make another excuse.
It got to the point where it was obviously really upsetting me. I tried to give him opportunities to tell me, making it easier for him 'I'll still be your friend no matter what the truth is' but he never did admit it. I even told him that I found it too difficult to help him through the cancer when I wasn't allowed to be there for the treatments and couldnt see any sign of it in him physically, yet had to deal with his emotional breakdowns.
Eventually, after giving him many opportunities and warnings, I broke off contact with him completely. Though I havent spoken to him in a long time, I know he's still alive and very much well, even though he told me he was terminal, which tells me everything I need to know.
However, it's still frustrating that I never really got to the bottom of it, ie. whether it was a 100% lie, or a big exaggeration, or a cover up for something else.
The reason I didnt ever confront him is because I was scared. I had absolutely no idea what would have happened if it was all a lie and he realised he'd been caught out. I could possibly have stayed his friend if he'd volunteered the information and admitted he had a problem, but I knew I wouldnt want to know him anymore if I had to force it out of him. I could not understand that mindset of wanting to lie about that, so I had no idea whether he'd be violent or anything. So to me, the safer option was to walk away and just hope I was right in my suspicions and hadnt been unfair to a friend.
It's not worth getting yourself into the middle of it, just so you can have the satisfaction of knowing.
It would be easy to judge this woman who is obviously sick in the head and can't help being a pathalogical liar. Reading through the comments, quite a lot of people, me included have actually lost loved ones to cancer, so know first hand what a horrible disease it is, and as I understand it, stomach cancer is one of the more aggressive types. I doubt whether she would still be in good health after 10 months. It makes me wonder how long she thinks she can keep it up. Or maybe she just doesn't think at all. I should stay well clear of her, she obviously can't help herself lying.
I totally understand what you are saying, but if it wasn't for all the other really big lies she has told, how she keeps telling people different things about her cancer, how her health seems not to have sufferred, she rarely has any time off work, her diet doesn't seem to have changed and her family don't know anything about her "cancer", then I would give her the benefit of the doubt.
Sounds like shes probably not telling the truth then...what an awful thing to lie about...she must have some kind of mental problem
People dont always die quickly with stomach cancer though... my nan did a live a relatively active life for 6 years after being diagnosed...although she did have half of her stomach removed (this was in the late 70's)
She was never told she has cancer, she thought she has an ulcer...and I remember spending half my childhood being terrifed about keeping this awful secret from her and everyone always being amazed at how she was still alive
I once worked with someone who constantly told lies about everything! She didn't have a very good memory so was easily caught out but no-one ever said anything to her. She was actually a lovely person, apart from the lies and they were only about herself so didn't really harm anyone. We just put it down to the fact she had low self-esteem and so made things up to make her life sound more interesting.
One day she told everyone she had cancer. No-one believed her. She didn't seem ill and hardly ever took any time off work for it. This was about 8 years ago.
At the beginning of last year, she finished work to have treatment. She'd actually had cervical cancer and it spread to all her other organs, finally to her brain and then she died last summer.
To this day, none of us know if the original cancer story was genuine or if she only developed it later. But I think most of us were glad we never challenged her over the truthness of it at the time.
Someone who was in the same year as me at university lied to his tutors about his mum having cancer (she didn't) so he could get special dispensation with his exams and coursework. He admitted it afterwards, and promptly lost most of his mates. What an ar*ehole.
Not sure how you'd handle some weird attention seeker doing the same thing at work though, tbh...I wouldn't recommend confronting them about it though unless you're 100% sure they are lying.
Comments
Needless to say, she's now quite friendless, it was wicked and unforgiveable. My daughter had even agreed to bring up her son when the inevitable happened as she was separated from her husband and she didn't want her son having to change schools.
Evil, absolutely evil.
If the o.p aproached this person with an offer of help might that be a way around it. As to say, look we know whats going on isn't it time you came clean and tried to get some help for the problem you do have rather than trying to garner sympathy for one you don't.
Could that have been the case in your friends daughter? (I'm not trying to lessen in any way your reaction to it as I really do see how distressing it could be to those who are taken in.)
Do you know the symptoms of stomach cancer? Maybe you could make one up and ask if she is suffering from the fake symptom then a bit later say you made a mistake and that isn't a symptom after all??
If she has lied about all these things it could be that she needs help or that she is worried nobody would like her for who she is so thought she would "liven" up her character and just let it get out of hand.
Good luck in calling her on it and I hope the situation doesn't get ugly.
If only these people realised the hurt and pain that they cause those who actually cared about them. My daughter was distraught when she thought she was going to lose her friend.
Sorry, I should have quoted, the response is to Bom.
It is sad. Deep down these people must know that they can't get away with it forever and that reality will have to crash in on them at some point.
If I was craving some attention I think I'd just wear a hideous shirt or something.
You're right there, they create these lies to seek attention which they receive but when the truth comes out they lose everything they ever had and have to move on to try to find new friends. They're the losers and that's sad.
Either she is telling the truth, but is the very early stages and so doesn't seem too bad
Or she has misunderstood the diagnosis, and believes she has cancer when she doesn't
Or she is completely lying, in which case, she must have some sort of mental illness, which may not be helped by you confronting her.
Does she have any family who are acquainted with who you could politely mention in passing how sorry you are to hear about her cancer, they may be able to confirm, deny or explain the situation without causing a huge scene
She told us her husband had been killed in 9 11, and would sit and sniff when telling us about memorial services she'd been to in the states and London. - Her husband's name is not on the list of victims, she appears to have no photos of this husband, who she claims to have been devoted to ( I asked to see a pic of him one day when we were casually chatting about him, she went through loads of cupboards and eventually found a pic of a man holding her son, it was a bit blurred and his head was turned partly away from the camera, it could have been anyone!). I honestly don't think she was ever married.
She then told us her husband's family members were flying over at regular intervals from the USA to attempt to kidnap her son. There were huge fights and the police were involved. Noone else ever saw these people or the police. I offered to go to the police and lawyers with her, but she always had to go on her own!
She also told us that her husband's best friend had come over to stay with her for a few days. Despite my family being in her house during the time he was staying, noone ever saw any evidence of him being there! She said at first he was just a friend, then he was an ex lover, then she said they had rekindled their affair and she thought she might be pregnant! Even her son had never seen this man who was staying in their home! I believe that if I had stayed in contact with her, I would have been subjected to her crying about a fake miscarriage a few weeks later. I certainly haven't seen her pushing a pram around the neighbourhood!
She told us she had got a job, which she never had. She described the whole interview process everything, I think she thought I wouldn't notice that she never went to work!
She also told us she had just discovered that her late husband had an affair with her bridesmaid and got her pregnant, so she then had a visit from them, which no one else saw, despite there being another big fight in the street and police arresting everyone!
She did sustain some injuries in these fights and I believe she did them herself. She had a mark on her face where she had been "punched", but it looked more like a burn
It was a very stressful time, as we were gradually dragged in to her lies, as she needed help with different things. In the beginning we felt very sorry for her and had no reason to doubt what she was telling us. I never confronted her about her lies, as I wasn't sure how she would react. I just broke all contact with her, which was easier than expected, considering how close she lives to me. Everything that happened to her was a drama and I feel sorry for her as she will never have any friends, because she lies to get friends, then once they realise she's lied, she loses them again. I feel more pity for he poor son though.
Anyone lying about cancer needs professional help.
If this woman seems well within herself, has not had surgery/chemo/treatment, then she is clearly lying about it. Her morbidity would be clearly affected, but it seems like it hasn't.
OP - the next time she mentions it to you, that is when you should confront her, maybe say something along the lines of this;
My alcoholic sister claimed to have stomach cancer. That was a few years ago. She is still alive. I had reservations about how truthful she was being (i.e. when I offered to help and attend hospital with her, she said due to doctor/patient confidentiality, I wasn't allowed....hmmm, WTF?!...she also said she had to pay for medication, I said what kind, she said not to bother...). I still think she was lying, yet have no proof other than she's still alive.
Good luck with confronting her, let us know how you get on.
I know in my case I have lots of medical problems although I look fairly healthy (I do make a huge effort not to look like an "ill person") and I never tell people everything I have all in one go....so know when somebody says about a medical test or illness and I say something like "I've had that done" or "I've got that" ect...I can tell by their faces they dint really believe me, they probably think I cant possible have everything"
But even two people with exactly the same condition may not necessarily have the same experience...so thats why I find it hard to brand somebody a liar over something like this.....you just never know what is going on in somebody Else's life...and just because they look fit and healthy, doesn't alway mean they are
I totally understand what you are saying, but if it wasn't for all the other really big lies she has told, how she keeps telling people different things about her cancer, how her health seems not to have sufferred, she rarely has any time off work, her diet doesn't seem to have changed and her family don't know anything about her "cancer", then I would give her the benefit of the doubt.
I wouldn't actually confront her about it. But I'd make it absolutely obvious that I considered her story to be codswallop, by ignoring what she said, and instantly start talking about something lighthearted and meaningless.
She'll soon get the message.
Incidentally, she wouldn't have had stomach cancer for 10 months and still be around as though nothing had happened. She'd either be dead or had very radical surgery.
He developed cancer and told me that the prognosis was not good. I'm still not sure to this day exactly what kind of cancer he had, although I know it was around the bowel/stomach/groin area apparantly.
He would go to the hospital every week. He allowed me to drop him off but not to visit him, not because he didnt want me to, but he would always come up with some excuse why I couldnt. He also started to go bald with the chemo, but this was in 'patches' that were very rectangular and grew back stubbly after half a day. Eventually he shaved his whole head and the hair was clearly growing back straight away, though he kept shaving it to make him look bald.
I started to get suspicious and would call the hospital when he was there to see how he was doing, especially when he stayed in overnight. Not once did they have record of a patient by his name.
Somehow he managed to keep making excuses, evading answering and I guess lying completely.
After a few months I became absolutely positive that he was lying but I also had no idea what to do. I would deliberately try and ask questions that I knew he would have to lie about, trying to catch him out, but the trouble is that even if someone gives an excuse that you know is a lie, you still have to confront them on it - and then they will just make another excuse.
It got to the point where it was obviously really upsetting me. I tried to give him opportunities to tell me, making it easier for him 'I'll still be your friend no matter what the truth is' but he never did admit it. I even told him that I found it too difficult to help him through the cancer when I wasn't allowed to be there for the treatments and couldnt see any sign of it in him physically, yet had to deal with his emotional breakdowns.
Eventually, after giving him many opportunities and warnings, I broke off contact with him completely. Though I havent spoken to him in a long time, I know he's still alive and very much well, even though he told me he was terminal, which tells me everything I need to know.
However, it's still frustrating that I never really got to the bottom of it, ie. whether it was a 100% lie, or a big exaggeration, or a cover up for something else.
The reason I didnt ever confront him is because I was scared. I had absolutely no idea what would have happened if it was all a lie and he realised he'd been caught out. I could possibly have stayed his friend if he'd volunteered the information and admitted he had a problem, but I knew I wouldnt want to know him anymore if I had to force it out of him. I could not understand that mindset of wanting to lie about that, so I had no idea whether he'd be violent or anything. So to me, the safer option was to walk away and just hope I was right in my suspicions and hadnt been unfair to a friend.
It's not worth getting yourself into the middle of it, just so you can have the satisfaction of knowing.
Sounds like shes probably not telling the truth then...what an awful thing to lie about...she must have some kind of mental problem
People dont always die quickly with stomach cancer though... my nan did a live a relatively active life for 6 years after being diagnosed...although she did have half of her stomach removed (this was in the late 70's)
She was never told she has cancer, she thought she has an ulcer...and I remember spending half my childhood being terrifed about keeping this awful secret from her and everyone always being amazed at how she was still alive
One day she told everyone she had cancer. No-one believed her. She didn't seem ill and hardly ever took any time off work for it. This was about 8 years ago.
At the beginning of last year, she finished work to have treatment. She'd actually had cervical cancer and it spread to all her other organs, finally to her brain and then she died last summer.
To this day, none of us know if the original cancer story was genuine or if she only developed it later. But I think most of us were glad we never challenged her over the truthness of it at the time.
Not sure how you'd handle some weird attention seeker doing the same thing at work though, tbh...I wouldn't recommend confronting them about it though unless you're 100% sure they are lying.