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Problems with ex-mother inlaw
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I am writing this on behalf of a friend.
Her ex mother in law visits her every day. Even when she has been told that my friend is busy on numerous occasions she still visits. It has reached a point where my friend continues to carry out her chores even when the ex mother in law is visiting. She phones constantly. My friend has now stopped answering her phonecalls incase it is the ex mother in law on the other end of the phone.
My poor friend is very very frustrated and angry however she does not want to insult her ex mother in law but can't seem to find a way of letting her know gently (my friend has on occasion failed to answer the door knowing it is her at the door).
Her ex mother in law has been good to her in the past but she has been divorced from her son for a number of years now (nearly 10) and does not want any dealings with him what so ever. The only connection now is through her daughter who is now 21 years old (only child).
I was hoping you fellow DS members could help with a solution.
Thanks for reading
Her ex mother in law visits her every day. Even when she has been told that my friend is busy on numerous occasions she still visits. It has reached a point where my friend continues to carry out her chores even when the ex mother in law is visiting. She phones constantly. My friend has now stopped answering her phonecalls incase it is the ex mother in law on the other end of the phone.
My poor friend is very very frustrated and angry however she does not want to insult her ex mother in law but can't seem to find a way of letting her know gently (my friend has on occasion failed to answer the door knowing it is her at the door).
Her ex mother in law has been good to her in the past but she has been divorced from her son for a number of years now (nearly 10) and does not want any dealings with him what so ever. The only connection now is through her daughter who is now 21 years old (only child).
I was hoping you fellow DS members could help with a solution.
Thanks for reading
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Comments
Granted everyday is excessive but it is her granddaughter that still links you
Telling her that, while she cares for her and appreciates her staying in touch, she really cannot see her every day.
What is the worst that can happen?
The same at the weekends. When she calls, she is purposely calling for my friend not her grand daughter.
Good idea although I think my friend may worry it would lead to confrontation which she would not want.
She could move in
Well it seems the response from the OP's friend would be to go along with it and then complain!
I have never understood how people are forced to accept unwanted visitors.
I mean every now and then sure, but your home is sanctuary, you let those you want to see in!
I suggest friend grows a backbone and deals with this herself. Who knows, it might be an interesting learning curve. She will learn nothing however if you keep fighting her battles for her.
I'm the same age and the notion that my grandparents would have to go through my parents to see me is farcical to me. But maybe the set-up is different in the OP's life.
But yeah, I would discount that as a possible reason for the grandmother's clinginess. It's probably just a genuine friendship on her part - OP, I think your friend would be best just being honest about her problems with the friendship. It's very understandable that she would feel that way.
Next time she calls round, don't let her in but say "I'm a bit busy now, come round on (pick a day two or three days ahead)". Then set a time for the next visit before she leaves and work the intervals a bit longer each time until its a regular weekly day, or less as she wants. That way the MIL will soon get the idea that it's your friend who sets the times of the visits, not her.
She has no reason to be polite if it's an ex mother in law, divorcing her child should have been a clear enough indication she sought an end to that part of her life unless the mother in law is incredibly stupid. If she's still coming around to socialise a decade later she either has nobody else to spend time with or she's just kind of dumb.
She constantly buys things for them to have an excuse to visit. The children, both boys, are aged twelve and fourteen and were her son's step children.
The son and daughter-in-law were briefly married and split up about six years ago. Her son is not particularly nice to her and not very communicative.
Before reading the OP's post I never imagined that possibly the ex daughter-in-law may be fed up with ex mother-in-law's visits.
It's all quite sad.
The next time the MIL calls round unannounced she should say that she is really sorry but she's on her way out so can't invite her in. But if she wants to pop round next Thursday at 7pm she'll have time for a proper natter. Or text me next week and we'll arrange to go meet up for a coffee.
And then repeat that story every time she turns up without checking first. After the first couple of times she should start to get the message that your friend is busy with her own life and she needs to make proper arrangements to see her.
Is she elderly?
Though you could ask her to give you a little more space - but don't shut her out completely.
Very good advice as always! I agree with this approach completely. The dynamic of the relationship has changed and it is for the OP to set the parameters if she feels uncomfortable with the current situation. Then everyone knows where they stand, hopefully without feeling hurt.