I feel sorry for him, but you shouldn't have to put up with that behaviour. What irresponsible parents he has. I know he must be hard work, but it seems like they're just glad to be rid of him - lovely!
Just to give an update, my flatmate has now developed the habit of standing outside our bedroom doors and listening to us. This has creeped us out, obviously, so we've written an e-mail to the accommodation office (they're a stage higher than the people we contacted last time) to discuss possibly moving him to another flat.
Hmm. So he's not actually been diagnosed with autism as far as you know, or has he told you he has been diagnosed as being autistic?
I say that because there are some things that don't quite add up to autism like him being very physical and stroking people as being averse to contact is what's usually typical for autism.
Is it just your amateur diagnosis that he is autistic? I think it's possible he's suffering from some kind of mental illness or personality disorder rather than autism, or maybe it's a combination of things.
I know it's not his fault and you have all tried to be sympathetic but it's not your job to be this guys carer or nurse. You need to speak to your university about removing from your flat. If you need to bring your parents in as back up to help you insist then do so.
The thing I think you have to impress most on the Uni Accommodation people is the fact that he has punched one person in your flat hard enough to cause bruising. Anything else they could just tot up to you being intolerant of problems relating to his disability. But the violence, even if he can't be held totally responsible because of his illness, is not something that can be tolerated, disability or no disability.
If his disability causes him to be violent to people around him it's the universities responsibility to ensure he is housed in an appropriate setting where this is not an issue for people around him. You shouldn't have to put up with violence, as he has been violent he should automatically be removed.
I would suggest if any other incidents like this happen before you manage to have him removed you report them to the police so the university can't just sweep it under the carpet.
I do think you need to be very proactive about this OP, and if necessary ask your parents for backup. I know that in theory once you're at Uni you should be standing on your own two feet, but if the university authorities aren't taking any action and your safety is at risk, then you need all the support you can get. I'd remind the university about the physical assault, give them till the end of the week to move your flatmate, and tell them that you're going to the police if they don't sort it by then. Listening outside your room is just plain creepy
Just to give an update, my flatmate has now developed the habit of standing outside our bedroom doors and listening to us. This has creeped us out, obviously, so we've written an e-mail to the accommodation office (they're a stage higher than the people we contacted last time) to discuss possibly moving him to another flat.
Thanks for all your help!
How weird. Have you tackled him about why he is doing this?
Hmm. So he's not actually been diagnosed with autism as far as you know, or has he told you he has been diagnosed as being autistic?
I say that because there are some things that don't quite add up to autism like him being very physical and stroking people as being averse to contact is what's usually typical for autism.Is it just your amateur diagnosis that he is autistic? I think it's possible he's suffering from some kind of mental illness or personality disorder rather than autism, or maybe it's a combination of things.
I know it's not his fault and you have all tried to be sympathetic but it's not your job to be this guys carer or nurse. You need to speak to your university about removing from your flat. If you need to bring your parents in as back up to help you insist then do so.
The thing I think you have to impress most on the Uni Accommodation people is the fact that he has punched one person in your flat hard enough to cause bruising. Anything else they could just tot up to you being intolerant of problems relating to his disability. But the violence, even if he can't be held totally responsible because of his illness, is not something that can be tolerated, disability or no disability.
If his disability causes him to be violent to people around him it's the universities responsibility to ensure he is housed in an appropriate setting where this is not an issue for people around him. You shouldn't have to put up with violence, as he has been violent he should automatically be removed.
I would suggest if any other incidents like this happen before you manage to have him removed you report them to the police so the university can't just sweep it under the carpet.
Whilst that is generally true it isn't hard and fast. My son is 27 and diagnosed with autism - he doesn't like being touched by anyone else but he has developed an inappropriate habit of touching ladies on the arm, leg, even tries the bottom as he sees other people being touchy feely and presumably wants to know what it is like. He is also not averse to a hug but it has to be on his terms, no-one elses.
(My bold).
I'll try to explain this, but apologise in advance if it's unclear.
Basically, I started uni this September and it quickly became evident that one of my flatmates is autistic.
[cut]
I've never dealt with anyone with autism before and neither have my flatmates, so we're really struggling with what to do. Like I said, we've been in contact with Residence Support but we still have to live with him and try to keep everyone happy.
Does anyone have any experience? Sorry if this was a long-winded post! Thank you
I haven't read the whole thread, sorry. Is it 'evident' that he is autistic or has he actually told you that he is? My brother is autistic, uses the cooker often and would never leave it on. He washes dishes effectively. Although in social situations he prefers to be alone with a friend rather than in large groups.
Your flatmate needs you to be friendly to him not to ignore him. Maybe be friends with him and speak to him in private at first.
It seems like you aren't telling him what's wrong. Trust me he is going to feel even more 'shut out' and 'unwanted' if you try to get him moved. Try and be friends with him, understand that he may not understand some things, but try to include him. He may actually be a very nice person and doesn't realise what he's doing. Maybe the two of you could do the washing up - he could wash, and you could dry the dishes. That sorts out the problem of the dishes being too wet and sometimes falling onto the floor. That way he doesn't feel excluded and you two will develop a friendship.
I feel that you are excluding him and that worries me - he is a human being and has feelings too, you know.
Just read your previous post - if he's standing outside the doors, invite him in to chat. Be friendly. Something like "oh, are you alright there? come in if you like". He may go "no, i'm alright" but may need a bit of encouragement. Please don't exclude him, he has the same right to be there as you.
Hannah;45568102']I haven't read the whole thread, sorry. Is it 'evident' that he is autistic or has he actually told you that he is? My brother is autistic, uses the cooker often and would never leave it on. He washes dishes effectively. Although in social situations he prefers to be alone with a friend rather than in large groups.
Your flatmate needs you to be friendly to him not to ignore him. Maybe be friends with him and speak to him in private at first.
It seems like you aren't telling him what's wrong. Trust me he is going to feel even more 'shut out' and 'unwanted' if you try to get him moved. Try and be friends with him, understand that he may not understand some things, but try to include him. He may actually be a very nice person and doesn't realise what he's doing. Maybe the two of you could do the washing up - he could wash, and you could dry the dishes. That sorts out the problem of the dishes being too wet and sometimes falling onto the floor. That way he doesn't feel excluded and you two will develop a friendship.
I feel that you are excluding him and that worries me - he is a human being and has feelings too, you know.
Just read your previous post - if he's standing outside the doors, invite him in to chat. Be friendly. Something like "oh, are you alright there? come in if you like". He may go "no, i'm alright" but may need a bit of encouragement. Please don't exclude him, he has the same right to be there as you.
I think you probably SHOULD read the thread, certainly the first post.
The guy hit one of the flatmates and hurt her, and touches people inappropriately. The OP's there to get a degree, not act as mental health nurse to other students. The guy's been dumped by his family and needs the right help, I agree, but the other students don't need to put up with this.
I completely agree. This guy has punched a female flatmate and is touching people inappropriately. Advising the OP to invite him in to her room is just plain dangerous. If he feels left out then that's sad, and he should be given appropriate support so that he can continue to stay at Uni, but the OP needs to put her own personal safety first
Hannah;45568102']I haven't read the whole thread, sorry. Is it 'evident' that he is autistic or has he actually told you that he is? My brother is autistic, uses the cooker often and would never leave it on. He washes dishes effectively. Although in social situations he prefers to be alone with a friend rather than in large groups.
Your flatmate needs you to be friendly to him not to ignore him. Maybe be friends with him and speak to him in private at first.
It seems like you aren't telling him what's wrong. Trust me he is going to feel even more 'shut out' and 'unwanted' if you try to get him moved. Try and be friends with him, understand that he may not understand some things, but try to include him. He may actually be a very nice person and doesn't realise what he's doing. Maybe the two of you could do the washing up - he could wash, and you could dry the dishes. That sorts out the problem of the dishes being too wet and sometimes falling onto the floor. That way he doesn't feel excluded and you two will develop a friendship.
I feel that you are excluding him and that worries me - he is a human being and has feelings too, you know.
Just read your previous post - if he's standing outside the doors, invite him in to chat. Be friendly. Something like "oh, are you alright there? come in if you like". He may go "no, i'm alright" but may need a bit of encouragement. Please don't exclude him, he has the same right to be there as you.
With all due respect, if you haven't read the whole thread, you haven't got a sense of how dangerous my flatmate can be; he's punched a female flatmate and can be inappropriate; he often strokes my arm or watches me and the other females when we're in the kitchen in quite a disturbing way.
I do always try to be friendly to him, such as today when he was cooking his dinner, I cooked mine at the same time and spoke to him in a friendly manner; however, he then left the oven on again and that's another example of why we don't feel as though we can live with him. It's not safe for him or for us.
With all due respect, if you haven't read the whole thread, you haven't got a sense of how dangerous my flatmate can be; he's punched a female flatmate and can be inappropriate; he often strokes my arm or watches me and the other females when we're in the kitchen in quite a disturbing way.
I do always try to be friendly to him, such as today when he was cooking his dinner, I cooked mine at the same time and spoke to him in a friendly manner; however, he then left the oven on again and that's another example of why we don't feel as though we can live with him. It's not safe for him or for us.
I'm assuming nobody has told him to stop leaving the oven on? He is autistic but not stupid. If you told him to stop doing it, he'd stop I'm sure. I don't like the fact that you seem to be going 'behind his back', he may take that the wrong way, if there even is a 'right' way to take it. He clearly already has social issues, and trusting issues. Perhaps he assumed that you were going to switch the oven off? Have you told him to stop touching you? As for the punching thing - yes it was out of order and you are right to complain about that but he may not have intended to hurt her. If you have already told him to stop, I apologise and you can ignore my post.
Hannah;45572577']I'm assuming nobody has told him to stop leaving the oven on? He is autistic but not stupid. If you told him to stop doing it, he'd stop I'm sure. I don't like the fact that you seem to be going 'behind his back', he may take that the wrong way, if there even is a 'right' way to take it. He clearly already has social issues, and trusting issues. Perhaps he assumed that you were going to switch the oven off? Have you told him to stop touching you? As for the punching thing - yes it was out of order and you are right to complain about that but he may not have intended to hurt her. If you have already told him to stop, I apologise and you can ignore my post.
We have told him several times; in fact, there's even a note above the oven saying 'don't forget to turn the oven off' after he continued to do it. How are we 'going behind his back'? I don't know if you understand how severe his problem actually is; there are degrees of autism and it appears that my flatmate is quite high up on the scale.
When he punched my flatmate, he punched her out of anger after she had played the piano for him for over an hour and asked if she could stop. He punched her very hard and she developed a large bruise.
I'm not sure you have a full awareness of my situation, but I do appreciate your input.
We have told him several times; in fact, there's even a note above the oven saying 'don't forget to turn the oven off' after he continued to do it. How are we 'going behind his back'? I don't know if you understand how severe his problem actually is; there are degrees of autism and it appears that my flatmate is quite high up on the scale.
When he punched my flatmate, he punched her out of anger after she had played the piano for him for over an hour and asked if she could stop. He punched her very hard and she developed a large bruise.
I'm not sure you have a full awareness of my situation, but I do appreciate your input.
I apologise. When he punched your flatmate that doesn't seem like his autism is causing him to do that, he has anger management issues. What was his response when you told him to stop leaving the oven on?
I think that he's having counselling of sorts and that a support officer may pop in randomly to check on him. We're all worried that he may drop out and we're very angry at his parents!
I don't think the uni has such a scheme, unfortunately.
Surely, your university has some form of official student welfare/support service?
I would suggest actually going to visit that office and explaining the situation so that this student can get the extra help and support that he might need. Just sending an email or text won't do the trick in a case like this.
Hannah;45573673']I apologise. When he punched your flatmate that doesn't seem like his autism is causing him to do that, he has anger management issues. What was his response when you told him to stop leaving the oven on?
It's OK
I don't know what made him do it, but it's not nice to live with!
He said 'OK'. He doesn't tend to speak much; he has stock phrases which he uses to reply to people. He'll either say 'right', 'yes', 'no', 'OK' or 'duh'. That's pretty much it.
Hannah;45572577']I'm assuming nobody has told him to stop leaving the oven on? He is autistic but not stupid. If you told him to stop doing it, he'd stop I'm sure. I don't like the fact that you seem to be going 'behind his back', he may take that the wrong way, if there even is a 'right' way to take it. He clearly already has social issues, and trusting issues. Perhaps he assumed that you were going to switch the oven off? Have you told him to stop touching you? As for the punching thing - yes it was out of order and you are right to complain about that but he may not have intended to hurt her. If you have already told him to stop, I apologise and you can ignore my post.
Surely you should read the whole thread before criticising? The OP mentions in the first post that her flatmate was hit hard enough to bruise, so that was hardly without intent.
I don't see in what way they're "going behind his back" either - seems they're all trying hard, but are in an incredibly difficult situation that they should never have been subjected to in the first place.
OP, for what it's worth, I think you and your flatmates have coped admirably and shown amazing patience. Has anyone tried to contact his parents?
Edit - apologies, Hannah, just seen your own apology to OP. Please ignore first part of post!
If so, surely this flatmate of yours would [or should] have ticked the required things in the 'special requirements' section. Or perhaps he had the same fears as you (not being accepted etc).
Hopefully the accomodation office will be able to help you, but surely you should be talking to somebody even higher than them - if he's already assaulted people he shouldn't be there, he could insult future flatmates. Also, he may not be as lucky next time and could have some flatmates who treat him really badly.
With all due respect, if you haven't read the whole thread, you haven't got a sense of how dangerous my flatmate can be; he's punched a female flatmate and can be inappropriate; he often strokes my arm or watches me and the other females when we're in the kitchen in quite a disturbing way.
I do always try to be friendly to him, such as today when he was cooking his dinner, I cooked mine at the same time and spoke to him in a friendly manner; however, he then left the oven on again and that's another example of why we don't feel as though we can live with him. It's not safe for him or for us.
I can only repeat: you or your parents must write to the Vice Chancellor. Someone at a high level needs to make a decision about whether uni is the appropriate place for him.
From the uni's pov he is a potential liablity & they need to know. Neither is it fair on him or whoever else gets lumbered with him next...
If so, surely this flatmate of yours would [or should] have ticked the required things in the 'special requirements' section. Or perhaps he had the same fears as you (not being accepted etc).
Hopefully the accomodation office will be able to help you, but surely you should be talking to somebody even higher than them - if he's already assaulted people he shouldn't be there, he could insult future flatmates. Also, he may not be as lucky next time and could have some flatmates who treat him really badly.
Yes, it is the same university Apparently, he didn't tick the required box in the 'special requirements' section. I don't know if that's because, like me, he was worried about not being accepted. It may well have been.
We've got an appointment to discuss it further with members higher up in the accommodation office We don't want to get him into trouble as such because we know it's not his fault, but we really don't want to live with him any more.
Comments
Is your flatmate the one and only
teenagemartyr:D
I say that because there are some things that don't quite add up to autism like him being very physical and stroking people as being averse to contact is what's usually typical for autism.
Is it just your amateur diagnosis that he is autistic? I think it's possible he's suffering from some kind of mental illness or personality disorder rather than autism, or maybe it's a combination of things.
I know it's not his fault and you have all tried to be sympathetic but it's not your job to be this guys carer or nurse. You need to speak to your university about removing from your flat. If you need to bring your parents in as back up to help you insist then do so.
The thing I think you have to impress most on the Uni Accommodation people is the fact that he has punched one person in your flat hard enough to cause bruising. Anything else they could just tot up to you being intolerant of problems relating to his disability. But the violence, even if he can't be held totally responsible because of his illness, is not something that can be tolerated, disability or no disability.
If his disability causes him to be violent to people around him it's the universities responsibility to ensure he is housed in an appropriate setting where this is not an issue for people around him. You shouldn't have to put up with violence, as he has been violent he should automatically be removed.
I would suggest if any other incidents like this happen before you manage to have him removed you report them to the police so the university can't just sweep it under the carpet.
How weird. Have you tackled him about why he is doing this?
Whilst that is generally true it isn't hard and fast. My son is 27 and diagnosed with autism - he doesn't like being touched by anyone else but he has developed an inappropriate habit of touching ladies on the arm, leg, even tries the bottom as he sees other people being touchy feely and presumably wants to know what it is like. He is also not averse to a hug but it has to be on his terms, no-one elses.
(My bold).
I haven't read the whole thread, sorry. Is it 'evident' that he is autistic or has he actually told you that he is? My brother is autistic, uses the cooker often and would never leave it on. He washes dishes effectively. Although in social situations he prefers to be alone with a friend rather than in large groups.
Your flatmate needs you to be friendly to him not to ignore him. Maybe be friends with him and speak to him in private at first.
It seems like you aren't telling him what's wrong. Trust me he is going to feel even more 'shut out' and 'unwanted' if you try to get him moved. Try and be friends with him, understand that he may not understand some things, but try to include him. He may actually be a very nice person and doesn't realise what he's doing. Maybe the two of you could do the washing up - he could wash, and you could dry the dishes. That sorts out the problem of the dishes being too wet and sometimes falling onto the floor. That way he doesn't feel excluded and you two will develop a friendship.
I feel that you are excluding him and that worries me - he is a human being and has feelings too, you know.
Just read your previous post - if he's standing outside the doors, invite him in to chat. Be friendly. Something like "oh, are you alright there? come in if you like". He may go "no, i'm alright" but may need a bit of encouragement. Please don't exclude him, he has the same right to be there as you.
I think you probably SHOULD read the thread, certainly the first post.
The guy hit one of the flatmates and hurt her, and touches people inappropriately. The OP's there to get a degree, not act as mental health nurse to other students. The guy's been dumped by his family and needs the right help, I agree, but the other students don't need to put up with this.
With all due respect, if you haven't read the whole thread, you haven't got a sense of how dangerous my flatmate can be; he's punched a female flatmate and can be inappropriate; he often strokes my arm or watches me and the other females when we're in the kitchen in quite a disturbing way.
I do always try to be friendly to him, such as today when he was cooking his dinner, I cooked mine at the same time and spoke to him in a friendly manner; however, he then left the oven on again and that's another example of why we don't feel as though we can live with him. It's not safe for him or for us.
We have told him several times; in fact, there's even a note above the oven saying 'don't forget to turn the oven off' after he continued to do it. How are we 'going behind his back'? I don't know if you understand how severe his problem actually is; there are degrees of autism and it appears that my flatmate is quite high up on the scale.
When he punched my flatmate, he punched her out of anger after she had played the piano for him for over an hour and asked if she could stop. He punched her very hard and she developed a large bruise.
I'm not sure you have a full awareness of my situation, but I do appreciate your input.
Surely, your university has some form of official student welfare/support service?
I would suggest actually going to visit that office and explaining the situation so that this student can get the extra help and support that he might need. Just sending an email or text won't do the trick in a case like this.
Yes, that's what you'd expect, but it's not what's happened.
It's OK
I don't know what made him do it, but it's not nice to live with!
He said 'OK'. He doesn't tend to speak much; he has stock phrases which he uses to reply to people. He'll either say 'right', 'yes', 'no', 'OK' or 'duh'. That's pretty much it.
lol!!! Just lol!!!!
Surely you should read the whole thread before criticising? The OP mentions in the first post that her flatmate was hit hard enough to bruise, so that was hardly without intent.
I don't see in what way they're "going behind his back" either - seems they're all trying hard, but are in an incredibly difficult situation that they should never have been subjected to in the first place.
OP, for what it's worth, I think you and your flatmates have coped admirably and shown amazing patience. Has anyone tried to contact his parents?
Edit - apologies, Hannah, just seen your own apology to OP. Please ignore first part of post!
with interest, was this regarding the same university that you're at now?
If so, surely this flatmate of yours would [or should] have ticked the required things in the 'special requirements' section. Or perhaps he had the same fears as you (not being accepted etc).
Hopefully the accomodation office will be able to help you, but surely you should be talking to somebody even higher than them - if he's already assaulted people he shouldn't be there, he could insult future flatmates. Also, he may not be as lucky next time and could have some flatmates who treat him really badly.
I can only repeat: you or your parents must write to the Vice Chancellor. Someone at a high level needs to make a decision about whether uni is the appropriate place for him.
From the uni's pov he is a potential liablity & they need to know. Neither is it fair on him or whoever else gets lumbered with him next...
Yes, it is the same university
We've got an appointment to discuss it further with members higher up in the accommodation office
Don't really want to hijack the thread but that's kinda true in my university. I have some very strange lecturers but that's for another thread.