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Don't know how to deal with bereavement
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I lost a very close relative in October, and I just don't know how to move on from it.
I have suffered from depression in the past and I don't know if this is making it harder to move on, but every so often (I'd say every 5 days as an average), I just start crying and remembering the things I miss most about him and it really sinks in that he is gone forever.
It doesn't help that I am in my first year at university, completely on my own (as in no family live nearby) with flatmates who are impossibly untidy and leave all their mess in the kitchen for me to clean up - if I don't, it doesn't get cleaned, I've tried leaving it before so they would clean up but I started finding cockroaches so I had to start cleaning again - and are also quite insensitive, leaving me out of all their social activity and bitching about me behind my back for being 'weird' and 'wrong' due to symptoms that are out of my control.
I've seen my doctor, who wants to put me on anti-depressants, but I'm scared of going down that route because of all the horror stories I've heard of people never being able to come off them, and I don't even know if it's too early to tell whether it's a depression relapse yet or not. My doctor thinks it is.
Is there any way I can make it better? I miss him so much that it actually physically aches and I don't think I can bear it for much longer!
Thank you.
I have suffered from depression in the past and I don't know if this is making it harder to move on, but every so often (I'd say every 5 days as an average), I just start crying and remembering the things I miss most about him and it really sinks in that he is gone forever.
It doesn't help that I am in my first year at university, completely on my own (as in no family live nearby) with flatmates who are impossibly untidy and leave all their mess in the kitchen for me to clean up - if I don't, it doesn't get cleaned, I've tried leaving it before so they would clean up but I started finding cockroaches so I had to start cleaning again - and are also quite insensitive, leaving me out of all their social activity and bitching about me behind my back for being 'weird' and 'wrong' due to symptoms that are out of my control.
I've seen my doctor, who wants to put me on anti-depressants, but I'm scared of going down that route because of all the horror stories I've heard of people never being able to come off them, and I don't even know if it's too early to tell whether it's a depression relapse yet or not. My doctor thinks it is.
Is there any way I can make it better? I miss him so much that it actually physically aches and I don't think I can bear it for much longer!
Thank you.
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Well, as I see it, there are three factors working here.
Firstly, your depression. It is very possible that losing a relative has triggered your depression again. I do think this is a separate issue to grieving for your lost relative.
Secondly, your grief for the relative that you have lost. Grief is a strange one - it affects everyone differently and at different times (e.g. I've known people who, immediately after the unexpected death of a close relative, have acted 'normally', gone back to work and seemed unaffected, for it only to hit a year or so later, and then they've fallen apart.
Thirdly, the inconsiderateness (is that a word??
I have no definitive answer for you other than you do need to allow yourself time to grieve - it has only been 4 months since you lost your loved one - of course you are still going to be thinking of them, missing them, etc. Believe me, 4 months is no time at all - you can't be expected to be 'over it' by now. Cut yourself some slack - think of how you would react to a close friend losing someone, I'm sure you would accept that they are still grieving.
Regarding the depression, could you suggest that your doctor refers you to counselling, to see if that helps, before you make a decision on the anti-depressants? I have tried counselling and it did help me a lot (not that it helps everyone - it doesn't - but it can't hurt to try it and see.)
As far as your selfish housemates are concerned, maybe they only leave you to clean up because they know you will! As far as you being 'weird' and 'wrong', that might be because they don't understand. Have you tried explaining to them?
I think you have a point when you say there is more than one thing going on.
Bits in bold -
1 - that's just the thing; everyone expects me to have got over it by now and to have come to terms with it, but I just haven't. As an example, a month after my loss, I went out with friends to try and get my mind off things, but ended up wanting to leave early because I felt so bad. I didn't have enough money for a taxi because my head was all over the place - I wasn't even remembering to eat - and my friend got really angry at me. You're right though, I'm still grieving.
2 - I actually had four years of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and psychotherapy and it was fine while I was undergoing therapy, but each time I stopped therapy I relapsed within a month.
3 - this is admittedly my fault; I haven't told them about my illnesses (I also have severe anxiety and trichotillomania) because I just never knew how to bring it up. Only one person at uni knows because she suffers from the same things. Everyone else just thinks I'm weird.
Thank you for your advice
You are supposed carrying on using the techniques CBT taught you.
CBT isn't a cure it is a tool to use for the rest of your life.
Ask your GP or Uni for some Grief Counselling & consider the anti deppressants. A good GP will reduce the dose gradually as you improve.
I thought I was strong and could cope with things by myself but I couldn't. Asking for help is the first step.
You need to talk to someone - Uni counsellor perhaps and do take your GPS advice and prescriptions.
What struck me about your story was - there were you all excited (and fearful) about starting your new life away from home at Uni and you were knocked totally askew by this death.
Grief is a very strange thing - and never goes away - it in the nicest possible sense becomes part of who you are.
Can I suggest you talk to the Uni counselor about doing some Group Analytic therapy - This will help you discover that there are normal folk wanting to help you (and you help them) and they are not like your flatmates... !!!