How can it be unintentional when she's pointed it out? She has also mentioned violence in the past. Would you assume that was unintentional?
He could be work stressed, or plain thick, or a notch higher than most on the insensitivity scale.
You could tell him his trousers were falling down and he might not care.
He might not be doing it intentionally, he might just not care about anything relative to his work (a good employee, bad husband).
I'm not disagreeing that he sounds like a dick. I'm just saying he might not be doing this to intentionally isolate anyone for sordid purposes. Violence just adds weight that he's a very poor catch - obviously if someone is going to flip violently from time to time, what on earth would anyone be doing with them?
Just wanted to thank you all for the advice, and update really. Things are much better now, we've had time apart, he's finally told his family the truth who have said that they guessed anyway, and he's moved to a new team at work. Things aren't perfect but at least heading the right way. Thank you all again
Have not read any of the other replies, but there's a really simple equation. If work (or any other activity) starts to impinge on your family life to such an extent that it hurts or bothers any of the people you love then something is seriously wrong.
I'm not qualified to comment and/or advice you on your particular situation, but I would say from a purely common sense pov that your partners situation seems to be impacting you and his family's life to an unreasonable level.
I've been here, had it pointed out to me, recognised it for what it is and changed my situation. For me it wasn't too difficult, but for others it may be hard. This is where you have to judge your own situation. Does your partner have the real life choice to change his work situation without ruining your homelife?
It's ok saying things must change, but if the change means you can't pay your mortgage then it can't happen. If it can then you have room to maneuver , if not then it's more difficult and that may be where your partners stress is coming from.
Sorry to come in so late, don't want to defend the guy but it sounds as if the BF is terrified of losing his job. Previoiusly unemployed for 3 years and keeps his name secret because he is worried of racism. Perhaps he felt he had to have drinks with the work team or seem the odd one out. Be glad they didn't have team bungy jumping or white water rafting. And keeping you hidden from his family and colleagues? Bad show, but he has also been keeping himself hidden.
Being generous it's a combination of the job and his poor understanding of how jobs work. If that's the case the job has to go (you say it has). But if it's the same in 6 months or a year then think again.
I am aware of it, and friends ask me the same question. This is just one of the problems. He doesn't admit to his family we are together (we aren't married) and he claims we are 'best friends' to them, either they are seriously thick or know that something isn't right as we share a bed, I'm there all weekend, I've been to all christmas's, birthdays etc and all cards are from us, so that's another problem. Things aren't exactly great, there's been violence before and I've recently had a termination due to money but also because of my disability and the possibility of having a disabled child (50/50 chance) he and my father offered no support should I continue. I am with him because stupidly I love him, although it is wearing out and I admit at the same time scared of being on my own (my own family aren't great, and hard to believe but he's more bearable than they are) so with self confidence and happiness at an all time low and being unemployed, I feel that for now he is my only chance of a 'normal' life.
Whatever he's offering you, it isn't a normal life.
Just wanted to thank you all for the advice, and update really. Things are much better now, we've had time apart, he's finally told his family the truth who have said that they guessed anyway, and he's moved to a new team at work. Things aren't perfect but at least heading the right way. Thank you all again
I am aware of it, and friends ask me the same question. This is just one of the problems. He doesn't admit to his family we are together (we aren't married) and he claims we are 'best friends' to them, either they are seriously thick or know that something isn't right as we share a bed, I'm there all weekend, I've been to all christmas's, birthdays etc and all cards are from us, so that's another problem. Things aren't exactly great, there's been violence before and I've recently had a termination due to money but also because of my disability and the possibility of having a disabled child (50/50 chance) he and my father offered no support should I continue. I am with him because stupidly I love him, although it is wearing out and I admit at the same time scared of being on my own (my own family aren't great, and hard to believe but he's more bearable than they are) so with self confidence and happiness at an all time low and being unemployed, I feel that for now he is my only chance of a 'normal' life.
You deserve better than him. I'm sorry i know you love him but most of what you have said about him sounds terrible
Comments
He could be work stressed, or plain thick, or a notch higher than most on the insensitivity scale.
You could tell him his trousers were falling down and he might not care.
He might not be doing it intentionally, he might just not care about anything relative to his work (a good employee, bad husband).
I'm not disagreeing that he sounds like a dick. I'm just saying he might not be doing this to intentionally isolate anyone for sordid purposes. Violence just adds weight that he's a very poor catch - obviously if someone is going to flip violently from time to time, what on earth would anyone be doing with them?
I'm not qualified to comment and/or advice you on your particular situation, but I would say from a purely common sense pov that your partners situation seems to be impacting you and his family's life to an unreasonable level.
I've been here, had it pointed out to me, recognised it for what it is and changed my situation. For me it wasn't too difficult, but for others it may be hard. This is where you have to judge your own situation. Does your partner have the real life choice to change his work situation without ruining your homelife?
It's ok saying things must change, but if the change means you can't pay your mortgage then it can't happen. If it can then you have room to maneuver , if not then it's more difficult and that may be where your partners stress is coming from.
No easy answers I'm afraid.
Being generous it's a combination of the job and his poor understanding of how jobs work. If that's the case the job has to go (you say it has). But if it's the same in 6 months or a year then think again.
Whatever he's offering you, it isn't a normal life.
Pleased to hear things have improved for you.
You deserve better than him. I'm sorry i know you love him but most of what you have said about him sounds terrible