Smithy I remember how lovingly you always spoke about your mum on here.
What you are feeling is perfectly normal and natural. My own lovely mum died in 2005 and there's not a day goes by that I don't miss her. Even now I sometimes long to speak to her and even pick up the phone to dial her number.
I saw a middle aged woman arguing with her elderly mother in Tesco a couple of days ago and I wanted to slap her into next week.
There is no " proper " way to grieve, just go with the flow. It's early days for you. One day sometime in the future when you think of her it will be just with smiles and no tears. In the meantime, there's nothing wrong with crying when you think of her.
I felt cheated when my mum died, and she had lived a long life. I was just so p!ssed off at all we had lost. My own daughter is now pregnant and my mum would have loved to be a great granny. I almost resent my mother in law ( who is a bit of a cold fish to be honest) who will experience this and my mum can't.
See ....... grieving can be strange, but we all do it our own way !!
I don't want to serve you platitudes, but it will get better, I promise xx
Smithy, I know exactly how you feel, I lost my mum aged 77 on 29th September in a house fire, the only family I had was my mum and she only had me, it's a cliche but we were best friends.
Whats worse is I was going through chemo at the time and had to delay the funeral.
I had to leave WHSmith yesterday as I burst into tears seeing all the Mum Christmas Cards.
It's still early days as other posters have said, grief takes time, I'd do anything to have my mum back, but I know it's just not possible
It is hard seeing all the 'Mum' cards and not being able to give one to my mum. I have written my mum a card now though, and I have two others to give her, so I am writing to her every week in December just to let her know that I'm thinking of her and updating her on what's happening here. I'm going to keep them in my memory box for her.
I just thought I'd update this. I won my first semi-contact fight on Saturday, so I was very very happy all day because I wasn't expecting to at all. When I was taking my kit off afterwards one of our coaches said to me that my mum will be looking down and feeling proud now, which helped a lot because that's what I want more than anything, I wanted so much to be able to tell her. But I had a 'chat' with her when I had a moment to myself, and told her all about it, so I hope she is proud of me.
I've got a notebook where I'm writing down every single thing I remember about my mummy now - from the basic things like her full name, where she was born, eye colour, height, favourite music, colours, food, etc, things she likes doing, things she says etc, to all the specific memories of conversations we had, things I like doing with my mum, memories of holidays, Christmases, birthdays, days out, days in at home, just every single thing that comes into my head about my mum. It's nice having it all written down to read, and it means it's always there, so anyone who I meet in the future who doesn't know my mum, they can still know about her. I know it sounds silly, but I need to know I'll never forget anything, even when I'm much much older.
It is hard seeing all the 'Mum' cards and not being able to give one to my mum. I have written my mum a card now though, and I have two others to give her, so I am writing to her every week in December just to let her know that I'm thinking of her and updating her on what's happening here. I'm going to keep them in my memory box for her.
I just thought I'd update this. I won my first semi-contact fight on Saturday, so I was very very happy all day because I wasn't expecting to at all. When I was taking my kit off afterwards one of our coaches said to me that my mum will be looking down and feeling proud now, which helped a lot because that's what I want more than anything, I wanted so much to be able to tell her. But I had a 'chat' with her when I had a moment to myself, and told her all about it, so I hope she is proud of me.
I've got a notebook where I'm writing down every single thing I remember about my mummy now - from the basic things like her full name, where she was born, eye colour, height, favourite music, colours, food, etc, things she likes doing, things she says etc, to all the specific memories of conversations we had, things I like doing with my mum, memories of holidays, Christmases, birthdays, days out, days in at home, just every single thing that comes into my head about my mum. It's nice having it all written down to read, and it means it's always there, so anyone who I meet in the future who doesn't know my mum, they can still know about her. I know it sounds silly, but I need to know I'll never forget anything, even when I'm much much older.
This post is so lovely, it brought a tear to my eye. You speak so fondly of your mum, and the idea of writing things down & keeping a memory box is a wonderful idea.
I know how your feeling, as i lost my Nana who was like a mum to me nearly 3 months ago from cancer & it's so hard making it through each day without her, it's just even worse at times like this at Christmas when your supposed to be around all your family.
I work in a card shop & i know exactly how you feel when you talk about the 'mum' cards, i'm the same when i see the Nana ones, as it reminds me that i won't be able to give her one again. Even just seeing old ladies in similar coats to her makes me well up!|
I just wanted to say that i hope you manage to get through Christmas okay, it sounds like you are doing some lovely things to keep your mum's memory alive. It's a tragic & heartbreaking time losing someone you love so dearly, i'd never had anyone close to me die before so it's only recently that i've realised just how hard & horrible it is.
Take care, and i'm sure your mum is very proud of you x
Its been 8 years since I lost my mum. As many have said already, the first Christmas is the hardest. One minute you are coping, then something trivial will remind you of her and all the emothions come flooding out. Whenever something good happens, I still want to tell my mum, when something bad happens, I wish I could go to her for comfort. Since she died I have become a mum myself, I talk to my daughter about her, show her photos etc. I feel so sad that my mum and my daughter never met each other as I know they would loved each other so much.
Stay strong and never be afraid to show how you are feeling, it is still early days yet and it is never too early to stop grieving. You learn to cope with it a little more day by day.
Remember your dad will be struggling too, he will probably try and stay strong for you, and if he is anything like my dad was, found it very hard to talk about.
my heart breaks for you, and I'm crying. You have my very, very deepest heartfelt sympathy. I am sure she will be with you in the spirit form, and no-one will ever be able to take away that link you have with her and the memory of her life and times you had together.
I too lost a parent, I lost my dad in a terrible car accident 15 years ago. I was devastated that i lost my dad. I still miss him even after all this time as he was a larger than life person who seem to know everyone. When we went out shopping there would always be at least one person he would know and spend time chatting with them will us bored kids standing around. He always took the time to chat to people and was incredible generous to us his family and to others. This was reflexed in the size of his funeral, the crematorium was packed out with no standing room. He proud that i went to university and when he came home he and my mum would come over to visit me. Although my dad was away working christmas was always special to our family as it was the one time we all were together with my grandparents. It took time to get over but the main thing in our family is we got through it together, we talked about him and if something we did would of made him happy we would always say to it to each other.
I was dreading the first christmas with out dad. We lost my grandfather the year before. However it seem we all had distractions, the week before christmas each of us got ill a day in turn with the final day my gran landing in hospital with a broken hip. So it was a hell of a christmas day, but in between hospital visits we still took time in the morning to remember dad and had dinner together which was the most important part of the day for us. It did not help that on NYE gran died too! It was the worse christmas, but it has gotten better. Our family has changed, we have new additions a niece and nephew and we have new traditions but he never far away from our thoughts.
It will be hard at first but easier in time. My advice is make sure you can talk about her to your family and friends, she may be gone but she is never far from your thoughts and always will be in your heart. I try to keep my dads memory alive by trying to do the things he taught me, being friendly and courteous to everyone i met. I too am becoming like him in that i cannot go out with meeting someone i know! Thankfully i don't have the bored kids yet. Writing your card and letter sounds a great way of keeping her memory alive along with keep sakes. I did not do that, but I have keepsakes that my dad got me, like my first teddy and all the little toy beetle cars he brought me home as love the cars. I also have a locket which me and my dad went out shopping for, for my 18th birthday which he got inscribed with photos of mum and dad in it, a year before he died. My brother brought round photos my grandad had taken over the years which my uncle had. We had a brilliant afternoon going through them laughing at some of the shots of gran, grandad and dad while showing my niece and nephew the photos. My brother tells my nephew about his grandad who is not here and so do we.
Take care and know that you are not alone in this,
you are amazing, an absolute credit to your mum. any mother would be so proud to have a child like you.
writing everything down about your mum is a wonderful idea, one day when you have kids of your own, you can tell them all about their nanna and share everything you have written down with them.
i lost my nan in january, i lived with her for many years and obviously loved her dearly. i have a big picture of her up in my living room and i talk to my 2 year old daughter about her most days, so she always remembers her great nan and what an amazing person she was. you can do this too when you have kids. i find it helps and keeps their memory alive.
just remember, she is with you always, she will never leave you. you just can't physically see her anymore. keep talking to her, even if it's just in your head, because i honestly believe she can hear you. xxxx
It is hard seeing all the 'Mum' cards and not being able to give one to my mum. I have written my mum a card now though, and I have two others to give her, so I am writing to her every week in December just to let her know that I'm thinking of her and updating her on what's happening here. I'm going to keep them in my memory box for her.
I just thought I'd update this. I won my first semi-contact fight on Saturday, so I was very very happy all day because I wasn't expecting to at all. When I was taking my kit off afterwards one of our coaches said to me that my mum will be looking down and feeling proud now, which helped a lot because that's what I want more than anything, I wanted so much to be able to tell her. But I had a 'chat' with her when I had a moment to myself, and told her all about it, so I hope she is proud of me.
I've got a notebook where I'm writing down every single thing I remember about my mummy now - from the basic things like her full name, where she was born, eye colour, height, favourite music, colours, food, etc, things she likes doing, things she says etc, to all the specific memories of conversations we had, things I like doing with my mum, memories of holidays, Christmases, birthdays, days out, days in at home, just every single thing that comes into my head about my mum. It's nice having it all written down to read, and it means it's always there, so anyone who I meet in the future who doesn't know my mum, they can still know about her. I know it sounds silly, but I need to know I'll never forget anything, even when I'm much much older.
Smithy I've just had another birthday wthout my Mum and it's hard, Dad is going along as best he can and we all keep it together somehow. That's a wonderful thing you are doing to write every memory down while it is all fresh, and every time you read it now and in the future your lovely Mum will be with you. ((hugs))
Hi Im sorry for your loss I lost my mum this year sudden death still no answer which has left me in ahhh zone she was 61 and it doesnt make any sense.
What I did was put a card in her coffin saying this is for all the mothers day birthdays christmas and so on as i thought she would have a card always , but I know what you mean about cards everywhere.
Last week I was crying in clinton cards as suddenly even though i knew i wasn't getting card to give or have it hit me
For my birthday I put a card she gave me last year as it didnt seem right without one.
Sadly as Im learning words can do nothing for the pain but I hope you are ok as you can be x
As others have said you speak about your Mum with such love and you are a real credit to her.
I lost my Mum a year ago also to cancer. Your post brought tears to my eyes as I feel her loss on a daily basis, Christmas was her favourite holiday and as with last year I'm determined it will be a good one to honour her memory.
I talk to my mum and I feel she is with me. I wear a treasured ring of hers and we have pictures of her around the house, we talk about her alot and it's moved on to the happy memories and not the trauma of her illness.
As long as she is in your heart your Mum will walk with you through every day of your life
My thoughts are with you. My Dad died of cancer in 1996 when I was 17, it can be double blow without you realising it- April was when he died aged 46- from cancer and just as you get yourself together, its Christmas which can knock you a bit.
My Dad was a huge fan of Christmas, he now would have had 4 grandchildren. My Christmases were bleak for a while and then my Nephew was born in 2006 and it felt different for a good reason at last- I have been blessed with 2 more nephews and 1 niece and joy is well and truly back in our family. Not to say it doesn't still hit me- just yesterday while I was in bed I got teary about him not being here.
We all deal with losing a parent differently and don't be too hard on yourself when it gets to you, I know in time you will find a new reason to be happy in yrs to come and time can make it less raw- for me anyway. You are a credit to your Mum and good luck with the kickboxing. Big hugx
You have my heartfelt sympathies too Smithy.
My mother died eight days before Christmas and so every year when Christmas comes around it is always a reminder.
It was hard getting "merry" Christmas cards and sympathy cards at the same time that year but harsh as it may sound life does go on and every year the grieving will get a little easier.
We put a photograph of mother in the living room in pride of place so that we feel she is with us on Christmas Day.
It's a nice smiley one of her. That may sound daft but it helps us. You could maybe try that. Put some tinsel around it aswell.
She wouldn't want you to be sad.
Big hugs to all of you who have lost parents or other close friends and relatives. Christmas is a hard time but I hope you can still find some moments of enjoyment during the festivities as difficult as it is.They will always be in your hearts and in your minds.
Whenever my cats suddenly stare at the wall and there is nothing there I always think they can see the spirit of one of my grandparents - daft I know but it's silly things like that can help.
I dont know you Smithy but your thread has touched my heart x
You speak so eloquently about your Mum, she was obviously very loving and caring and has raised a smasher. I lost my mum 26 yrs ago and like others have said you have good days and bad. The immediate pain does fade eventually and you start to build yourself up again.
I think its quite ok to 'speak' to your mum and tell her how your days going if it makes you feel better. Its early days and at this stage do whatever it takes to get you through each day.
Christmas is hard, but like another poster said if you do something different this year to make it different to past xmas's and start your own traditions it helps, for example, my Mum always cooked the dinner but after she died we always went out for Xmas dinner or took it in turns with other relatives to host it. Likewise for New Year.
You sound like a really lovely young man. Im so happy for you winning your kick boxing and Im sure both your Mum and Dad are proud of you and lots of luck with it in the future.
Thank you for posting this thread, its allowed many others to share their experiences and we now realise we're not alone and neither are you. Everyone's rooting for you.
It was a good day, as good as it could be considering. We had a powercut for a while (started just before 9pm, ended about 9:45, luckily just in time to stop us watching Eastenders haha!) so it was fun, my brother and I were taking pictures in the dark hah. If my mum could see the powercut somehow she'd have been laughing at us!
I'm very very proud of my dad, he is doing so well. And he did so well with all the Christmas things - we chose a lot of our own presents but he chose us some great things by himself too and it's usually my mum who does all that. And proud of my brother, who cooked us a lovely Christmas dinner! In fact, I am proud of all of my family. My mum's brother phoned to wish us a Merry Christmas today and say that he was thinking of us all - he's had a lot of problems in the past too (drugs, mental health etc) and he's not usually a fan of Christmas but he seems to be doing so well too.
We're going to my mum's sister's house tomorrow and her other sister will be there too. I struggle a bit when everyone is together, the 'emptiness' seems more obvious somehow if that makes sense. But sometimes the thought of it is worse than actually doing it, and it will be nice.
They're coming down here for New Year's Eve too, we don't really want to go out so we're cooking for them. I'm dreading New Year's Eve. It somehow feels like it's supposed to be a 'new start' and we're supposed to suddenly get over it. But it's not that simple because there are so many 'firsts' left to come still - anniversaries, Mother's Day, Easter, birthdays etc. But there will be more good days too.
I wrote my mummy a Christmas card. I just miss being able to give it to her.
Apologies for length, just 'thinking aloud' I guess. Thinking of all of you who are also missing loved ones this Christmas. xxxx
It was a good day, as good as it could be considering. We had a powercut for a while (started just before 9pm, ended about 9:45, luckily just in time to stop us watching Eastenders haha!) so it was fun, my brother and I were taking pictures in the dark hah. If my mum could see the powercut somehow she'd have been laughing at us!
I'm very very proud of my dad, he is doing so well. And he did so well with all the Christmas things - we chose a lot of our own presents but he chose us some great things by himself too and it's usually my mum who does all that. And proud of my brother, who cooked us a lovely Christmas dinner! In fact, I am proud of all of my family. My mum's brother phoned to wish us a Merry Christmas today and say that he was thinking of us all - he's had a lot of problems in the past too (drugs, mental health etc) and he's not usually a fan of Christmas but he seems to be doing so well too.
We're going to my mum's sister's house tomorrow and her other sister will be there too. I struggle a bit when everyone is together, the 'emptiness' seems more obvious somehow if that makes sense. But sometimes the thought of it is worse than actually doing it, and it will be nice.
They're coming down here for New Year's Eve too, we don't really want to go out so we're cooking for them. I'm dreading New Year's Eve. It somehow feels like it's supposed to be a 'new start' and we're supposed to suddenly get over it. But it's not that simple because there are so many 'firsts' left to come still - anniversaries, Mother's Day, Easter, birthdays etc. But there will be more good days too.
I wrote my mummy a Christmas card. I just miss being able to give it to her.
Apologies for length, just 'thinking aloud' I guess. Thinking of all of you who are also missing loved ones this Christmas. xxxx
Thinking aloud does sometimes help I've just a bit of a tear thinking about my Mum like you say there are so many firsts to deal with. I lost Mum four weeks ago so the first Christmas has really been flung on me. I had been getting used to the idea of first Christmas without my Dad as lost him earlier in the year but then Mum too and well the bottom fell out of my world too.
Glad you have got through the day. I pretty much have too just a very strange day and like you not really looking forward to New Year too it just seems strange to talk about new starts when as you say there are so many things still to happen.
I did a fathers day card for my Dad as he died just a couple of weeks before fathers day and did Christmas cards for both Mum and Dad and a Birthday card for Dad too and put those in with Mum in her coffin (sorry if thats too morbid) but it was something that made me feel close to them especially as my Mums funeral was on what would have been my Dads Birthday.
Sending big hugs to you and to everyone who has lost someone and misses them this Christmas.
It was a good day, as good as it could be considering. We had a powercut for a while (started just before 9pm, ended about 9:45, luckily just in time to stop us watching Eastenders haha!) so it was fun, my brother and I were taking pictures in the dark hah. If my mum could see the powercut somehow she'd have been laughing at us!
I'm very very proud of my dad, he is doing so well. And he did so well with all the Christmas things - we chose a lot of our own presents but he chose us some great things by himself too and it's usually my mum who does all that. And proud of my brother, who cooked us a lovely Christmas dinner! In fact, I am proud of all of my family. My mum's brother phoned to wish us a Merry Christmas today and say that he was thinking of us all - he's had a lot of problems in the past too (drugs, mental health etc) and he's not usually a fan of Christmas but he seems to be doing so well too.
We're going to my mum's sister's house tomorrow and her other sister will be there too. I struggle a bit when everyone is together, the 'emptiness' seems more obvious somehow if that makes sense. But sometimes the thought of it is worse than actually doing it, and it will be nice.
They're coming down here for New Year's Eve too, we don't really want to go out so we're cooking for them. I'm dreading New Year's Eve. It somehow feels like it's supposed to be a 'new start' and we're supposed to suddenly get over it. But it's not that simple because there are so many 'firsts' left to come still - anniversaries, Mother's Day, Easter, birthdays etc. But there will be more good days too.
I wrote my mummy a Christmas card. I just miss being able to give it to her.
Apologies for length, just 'thinking aloud' I guess. Thinking of all of you who are also missing loved ones this Christmas. xxxx
(((Smithy))) Sending warm cyber-hugs and comfort your way.
"I want to know that she's ok and that she's proud of me. I'm considering having my first semi-contact kickboxing fight on Saturday. I don't know yet, it would be a major thing for me. But I want to tell my mummy."
You don't have to tell your mum anything. Trust me. She knows. She's closer to you than you can imagine. I promise you this. I don't think it, I know it.
Love is the most powerful and infinite phenomena on this mudball in the sky (Earth) and those who appreciate and share it never lose their love or contact with each other. Love transcends everything.
Most people look towards the sky when they try to address those loved ones who have crossed over, but they needn't strain their necks. Loved ones are hovering about a foot above from where you stand behind your back, generally to your left so that they can peer over your left shoulder; they are existing in another dimension.
Do you have dreams in which your mum appears? Those are visits. My mum comes to 'visit' me all the time in dreams and we talk and carry on as if she never left this plane. After I wake up from a dream/visit, I feel very calm and loved and warm; it's a hard feeling to describe.
If you want to talk with your mum apart from in dreams, go to a very quiet place in your home, and light a candle. Do not turn on any electric lights as spirits do not like electric lighting. Do this at about three in the morning; that is when the veil between our world and their plane is thinnest. Light the candle and speak to your mother just like you would have when she was around.
I know this sounds very weird, but if you concentrate you'll feel her presence...as long as you believe.
I am not religious, as I've stated once or twice here, but I am spiritual and believe in psychic phenomena. Had I not had my own personal experiences with the latter and continue to experience odd things, for lack of a better expression, I'd have written myself off as being a nut long ago.
Mr D and I lost a dearly loved pet bird several years ago and trust me, losing him hurt me just about as much as losing my mother did. I am serious. I was beyond myself with grief.
The day after our bird crossed over, I was out walking near where we used to live, feeling low and miserable and upset, and I saw something glint near my right foot when I paused. I stooped down to investigate...it was a little gold angel pin. I knew that our Westie had put it there for me to find. I still have the pin, too. I'd never part with it.
That's one thing, Smithy. When you go out, when you shower, whatever you do, including your kickboxing, keep an open mind and try to will your mother to do something here for you. You know that she will, and she'll place things for you to find so that you'll be reminded of her. It could be a song on the radio that you might have both liked being aired while you think of her, it could be a gold pin, it could be the fleeting scent of her perfume. Odors are actually the strongest psychic messages that are sent. If your mum smoked, you might sense a waft of tobacco.
We live in what, four dimensions on this planet? There are far more dimensions than that, Smithy, and your mum, along with my mum and dad, are on another one.
I had to watch it more than a couple of times myself before I was able to grasp the concept.
Hard to imagine, but I'm sure that that's just the tip of the iceberg...I am convinced that there are many more dimensions than just ten, given the infinity of our universe...never mind the other ones!
I miss my mum, too, Smithy. But there will come a point in time when you will be able to think about your mum and smile, and your pain will have vanished. Time is the key; the duration is different for everyone who has suffered a loss, but that's the remedy. Time.
I really feel for you Smithy. I miss my Dad loads too (he died nearly 5 years ago). Like your Mum, he was very ill before he died, but unlike your Mum's 17 months, he was ill for nearly 4 months.
It's natural to grieve and we all grieve differently but, for me, after going through the various stages, like feeling ripped apart, then feeling angry, then wishing I could have done more and also the 24/7 weeping stages, I reached a stage where I knew it was for the best because he was so ill and in pain and I wouldn't have wanted him to endure that any longer. I took a photo of him the day before he died and he was skeletal and completely out of it and that's not how I remember him, but the photo is hidden away and when I need to remind myself oh how ill he was I take a quick peek.
Please remember that it is very early days for you yet. I was very close to my Mum and she died totally unexpectedly three days before Christmas 10 years ago. I coped fine all over Christmas and the new year, (there was so much to do), it didn't seem to even hit me until February, I ended up having major depression, which has taken years to get over. You need to grieve as long as it takes. Don't be like me and try to look after everyone else and bottle up the way you are feeling.
It will get better. However, at times of stress you will feel you need your mum and a hug. In January this year, I was very ill with swine flu and despite having a wonderful husband and son, who looked after me very well, there was one day, when I couldn't stop crying because I wanted my Mum to cuddle me, and that was after 9 years.
In October this year, I had an operation and the night I had it, I had a strange experience. I was in bed and very uncomfortable and I felt as it someone whispered in my ear, "It will be alright", and I thought it sounded like my Mum. I opened my eyes and there was no one there. I suppose I was dreaming, but you never know.
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What you are feeling is perfectly normal and natural. My own lovely mum died in 2005 and there's not a day goes by that I don't miss her. Even now I sometimes long to speak to her and even pick up the phone to dial her number.
I saw a middle aged woman arguing with her elderly mother in Tesco a couple of days ago and I wanted to slap her into next week.
There is no " proper " way to grieve, just go with the flow. It's early days for you. One day sometime in the future when you think of her it will be just with smiles and no tears. In the meantime, there's nothing wrong with crying when you think of her.
I felt cheated when my mum died, and she had lived a long life. I was just so p!ssed off at all we had lost. My own daughter is now pregnant and my mum would have loved to be a great granny. I almost resent my mother in law ( who is a bit of a cold fish to be honest) who will experience this and my mum can't.
See ....... grieving can be strange, but we all do it our own way !!
I don't want to serve you platitudes, but it will get better, I promise xx
Whats worse is I was going through chemo at the time and had to delay the funeral.
I had to leave WHSmith yesterday as I burst into tears seeing all the Mum Christmas Cards.
It's still early days as other posters have said, grief takes time, I'd do anything to have my mum back, but I know it's just not possible
If you ever want to talk please PM me
I just thought I'd update this. I won my first semi-contact fight on Saturday, so I was very very happy all day because I wasn't expecting to at all.
I've got a notebook where I'm writing down every single thing I remember about my mummy now - from the basic things like her full name, where she was born, eye colour, height, favourite music, colours, food, etc, things she likes doing, things she says etc, to all the specific memories of conversations we had, things I like doing with my mum, memories of holidays, Christmases, birthdays, days out, days in at home, just every single thing that comes into my head about my mum. It's nice having it all written down to read, and it means it's always there, so anyone who I meet in the future who doesn't know my mum, they can still know about her. I know it sounds silly, but I need to know I'll never forget anything, even when I'm much much older.
This post is so lovely, it brought a tear to my eye. You speak so fondly of your mum, and the idea of writing things down & keeping a memory box is a wonderful idea.
I know how your feeling, as i lost my Nana who was like a mum to me nearly 3 months ago from cancer & it's so hard making it through each day without her, it's just even worse at times like this at Christmas when your supposed to be around all your family.
I work in a card shop & i know exactly how you feel when you talk about the 'mum' cards, i'm the same when i see the Nana ones, as it reminds me that i won't be able to give her one again. Even just seeing old ladies in similar coats to her makes me well up!|
I just wanted to say that i hope you manage to get through Christmas okay, it sounds like you are doing some lovely things to keep your mum's memory alive. It's a tragic & heartbreaking time losing someone you love so dearly, i'd never had anyone close to me die before so it's only recently that i've realised just how hard & horrible it is.
Take care, and i'm sure your mum is very proud of you x
Stay strong and never be afraid to show how you are feeling, it is still early days yet and it is never too early to stop grieving. You learn to cope with it a little more day by day.
Remember your dad will be struggling too, he will probably try and stay strong for you, and if he is anything like my dad was, found it very hard to talk about.
I hope things work out okay for you.
Take care
I too lost a parent, I lost my dad in a terrible car accident 15 years ago. I was devastated that i lost my dad. I still miss him even after all this time as he was a larger than life person who seem to know everyone. When we went out shopping there would always be at least one person he would know and spend time chatting with them will us bored kids standing around. He always took the time to chat to people and was incredible generous to us his family and to others. This was reflexed in the size of his funeral, the crematorium was packed out with no standing room. He proud that i went to university and when he came home he and my mum would come over to visit me. Although my dad was away working christmas was always special to our family as it was the one time we all were together with my grandparents. It took time to get over but the main thing in our family is we got through it together, we talked about him and if something we did would of made him happy we would always say to it to each other.
I was dreading the first christmas with out dad. We lost my grandfather the year before. However it seem we all had distractions, the week before christmas each of us got ill a day in turn with the final day my gran landing in hospital with a broken hip. So it was a hell of a christmas day, but in between hospital visits we still took time in the morning to remember dad and had dinner together which was the most important part of the day for us. It did not help that on NYE gran died too! It was the worse christmas, but it has gotten better. Our family has changed, we have new additions a niece and nephew and we have new traditions but he never far away from our thoughts.
It will be hard at first but easier in time. My advice is make sure you can talk about her to your family and friends, she may be gone but she is never far from your thoughts and always will be in your heart. I try to keep my dads memory alive by trying to do the things he taught me, being friendly and courteous to everyone i met. I too am becoming like him in that i cannot go out with meeting someone i know! Thankfully i don't have the bored kids yet. Writing your card and letter sounds a great way of keeping her memory alive along with keep sakes. I did not do that, but I have keepsakes that my dad got me, like my first teddy and all the little toy beetle cars he brought me home as love the cars. I also have a locket which me and my dad went out shopping for, for my 18th birthday which he got inscribed with photos of mum and dad in it, a year before he died. My brother brought round photos my grandad had taken over the years which my uncle had. We had a brilliant afternoon going through them laughing at some of the shots of gran, grandad and dad while showing my niece and nephew the photos. My brother tells my nephew about his grandad who is not here and so do we.
Take care and know that you are not alone in this,
writing everything down about your mum is a wonderful idea, one day when you have kids of your own, you can tell them all about their nanna and share everything you have written down with them.
i lost my nan in january, i lived with her for many years and obviously loved her dearly. i have a big picture of her up in my living room and i talk to my 2 year old daughter about her most days, so she always remembers her great nan and what an amazing person she was. you can do this too when you have kids. i find it helps and keeps their memory alive.
just remember, she is with you always, she will never leave you. you just can't physically see her anymore. keep talking to her, even if it's just in your head, because i honestly believe she can hear you. xxxx
Smithy I've just had another birthday wthout my Mum and it's hard, Dad is going along as best he can and we all keep it together somehow. That's a wonderful thing you are doing to write every memory down while it is all fresh, and every time you read it now and in the future your lovely Mum will be with you. ((hugs))
What I did was put a card in her coffin saying this is for all the mothers day birthdays christmas and so on as i thought she would have a card always , but I know what you mean about cards everywhere.
Last week I was crying in clinton cards as suddenly even though i knew i wasn't getting card to give or have it hit me
For my birthday I put a card she gave me last year as it didnt seem right without one.
Sadly as Im learning words can do nothing for the pain but I hope you are ok as you can be x
As others have said you speak about your Mum with such love and you are a real credit to her.
I lost my Mum a year ago also to cancer. Your post brought tears to my eyes as I feel her loss on a daily basis, Christmas was her favourite holiday and as with last year I'm determined it will be a good one to honour her memory.
I talk to my mum and I feel she is with me. I wear a treasured ring of hers and we have pictures of her around the house, we talk about her alot and it's moved on to the happy memories and not the trauma of her illness.
As long as she is in your heart your Mum will walk with you through every day of your life
My Dad was a huge fan of Christmas, he now would have had 4 grandchildren. My Christmases were bleak for a while and then my Nephew was born in 2006 and it felt different for a good reason at last- I have been blessed with 2 more nephews and 1 niece and joy is well and truly back in our family. Not to say it doesn't still hit me- just yesterday while I was in bed I got teary about him not being here.
We all deal with losing a parent differently and don't be too hard on yourself when it gets to you, I know in time you will find a new reason to be happy in yrs to come and time can make it less raw- for me anyway. You are a credit to your Mum and good luck with the kickboxing. Big hugx
My mother died eight days before Christmas and so every year when Christmas comes around it is always a reminder.
It was hard getting "merry" Christmas cards and sympathy cards at the same time that year but harsh as it may sound life does go on and every year the grieving will get a little easier.
We put a photograph of mother in the living room in pride of place so that we feel she is with us on Christmas Day.
It's a nice smiley one of her. That may sound daft but it helps us. You could maybe try that. Put some tinsel around it aswell.
She wouldn't want you to be sad.
Whenever my cats suddenly stare at the wall and there is nothing there I always think they can see the spirit of one of my grandparents - daft I know but it's silly things like that can help.
You speak so eloquently about your Mum, she was obviously very loving and caring and has raised a smasher. I lost my mum 26 yrs ago and like others have said you have good days and bad. The immediate pain does fade eventually and you start to build yourself up again.
I think its quite ok to 'speak' to your mum and tell her how your days going if it makes you feel better. Its early days and at this stage do whatever it takes to get you through each day.
Christmas is hard, but like another poster said if you do something different this year to make it different to past xmas's and start your own traditions it helps, for example, my Mum always cooked the dinner but after she died we always went out for Xmas dinner or took it in turns with other relatives to host it. Likewise for New Year.
You sound like a really lovely young man. Im so happy for you winning your kick boxing and Im sure both your Mum and Dad are proud of you and lots of luck with it in the future.
Thank you for posting this thread, its allowed many others to share their experiences and we now realise we're not alone and neither are you. Everyone's rooting for you.
Angel x
It was a good day, as good as it could be considering. We had a powercut for a while (started just before 9pm, ended about 9:45, luckily just in time to stop us watching Eastenders haha!) so it was fun, my brother and I were taking pictures in the dark hah. If my mum could see the powercut somehow she'd have been laughing at us!
I'm very very proud of my dad, he is doing so well. And he did so well with all the Christmas things - we chose a lot of our own presents but he chose us some great things by himself too and it's usually my mum who does all that. And proud of my brother, who cooked us a lovely Christmas dinner! In fact, I am proud of all of my family. My mum's brother phoned to wish us a Merry Christmas today and say that he was thinking of us all - he's had a lot of problems in the past too (drugs, mental health etc) and he's not usually a fan of Christmas but he seems to be doing so well too.
We're going to my mum's sister's house tomorrow and her other sister will be there too. I struggle a bit when everyone is together, the 'emptiness' seems more obvious somehow if that makes sense. But sometimes the thought of it is worse than actually doing it, and it will be nice.
They're coming down here for New Year's Eve too, we don't really want to go out so we're cooking for them. I'm dreading New Year's Eve. It somehow feels like it's supposed to be a 'new start' and we're supposed to suddenly get over it. But it's not that simple because there are so many 'firsts' left to come still - anniversaries, Mother's Day, Easter, birthdays etc. But there will be more good days too.
I wrote my mummy a Christmas card. I just miss being able to give it to her.
Apologies for length, just 'thinking aloud' I guess. Thinking of all of you who are also missing loved ones this Christmas. xxxx
Thinking aloud does sometimes help I've just a bit of a tear thinking about my Mum like you say there are so many firsts to deal with. I lost Mum four weeks ago so the first Christmas has really been flung on me. I had been getting used to the idea of first Christmas without my Dad as lost him earlier in the year but then Mum too and well the bottom fell out of my world too.
Glad you have got through the day. I pretty much have too just a very strange day and like you not really looking forward to New Year too it just seems strange to talk about new starts when as you say there are so many things still to happen.
I did a fathers day card for my Dad as he died just a couple of weeks before fathers day and did Christmas cards for both Mum and Dad and a Birthday card for Dad too and put those in with Mum in her coffin (sorry if thats too morbid) but it was something that made me feel close to them especially as my Mums funeral was on what would have been my Dads Birthday.
Sending big hugs to you and to everyone who has lost someone and misses them this Christmas.
Glad you got through it OK.
Sounds like you dad and brother were stars.
(((hugs)))
"I want to know that she's ok and that she's proud of me. I'm considering having my first semi-contact kickboxing fight on Saturday. I don't know yet, it would be a major thing for me. But I want to tell my mummy."
You don't have to tell your mum anything. Trust me. She knows. She's closer to you than you can imagine. I promise you this. I don't think it, I know it.
Love is the most powerful and infinite phenomena on this mudball in the sky (Earth) and those who appreciate and share it never lose their love or contact with each other. Love transcends everything.
Most people look towards the sky when they try to address those loved ones who have crossed over, but they needn't strain their necks. Loved ones are hovering about a foot above from where you stand behind your back, generally to your left so that they can peer over your left shoulder; they are existing in another dimension.
Do you have dreams in which your mum appears? Those are visits. My mum comes to 'visit' me all the time in dreams and we talk and carry on as if she never left this plane. After I wake up from a dream/visit, I feel very calm and loved and warm; it's a hard feeling to describe.
If you want to talk with your mum apart from in dreams, go to a very quiet place in your home, and light a candle. Do not turn on any electric lights as spirits do not like electric lighting. Do this at about three in the morning; that is when the veil between our world and their plane is thinnest. Light the candle and speak to your mother just like you would have when she was around.
I know this sounds very weird, but if you concentrate you'll feel her presence...as long as you believe.
I am not religious, as I've stated once or twice here, but I am spiritual and believe in psychic phenomena. Had I not had my own personal experiences with the latter and continue to experience odd things, for lack of a better expression, I'd have written myself off as being a nut long ago.
Mr D and I lost a dearly loved pet bird several years ago and trust me, losing him hurt me just about as much as losing my mother did. I am serious. I was beyond myself with grief.
The day after our bird crossed over, I was out walking near where we used to live, feeling low and miserable and upset, and I saw something glint near my right foot when I paused. I stooped down to investigate...it was a little gold angel pin. I knew that our Westie had put it there for me to find. I still have the pin, too. I'd never part with it.
That's one thing, Smithy. When you go out, when you shower, whatever you do, including your kickboxing, keep an open mind and try to will your mother to do something here for you. You know that she will, and she'll place things for you to find so that you'll be reminded of her. It could be a song on the radio that you might have both liked being aired while you think of her, it could be a gold pin, it could be the fleeting scent of her perfume. Odors are actually the strongest psychic messages that are sent. If your mum smoked, you might sense a waft of tobacco.
We live in what, four dimensions on this planet? There are far more dimensions than that, Smithy, and your mum, along with my mum and dad, are on another one.
Here is a link that you might find interesting -- Imagining The Tenth Dimension. http://www.tenthdimension.com/medialinks.php
I had to watch it more than a couple of times myself before I was able to grasp the concept.
Hard to imagine, but I'm sure that that's just the tip of the iceberg...I am convinced that there are many more dimensions than just ten, given the infinity of our universe...never mind the other ones!
I miss my mum, too, Smithy. But there will come a point in time when you will be able to think about your mum and smile, and your pain will have vanished. Time is the key; the duration is different for everyone who has suffered a loss, but that's the remedy. Time.
It's natural to grieve and we all grieve differently but, for me, after going through the various stages, like feeling ripped apart, then feeling angry, then wishing I could have done more and also the 24/7 weeping stages, I reached a stage where I knew it was for the best because he was so ill and in pain and I wouldn't have wanted him to endure that any longer. I took a photo of him the day before he died and he was skeletal and completely out of it and that's not how I remember him, but the photo is hidden away and when I need to remind myself oh how ill he was I take a quick peek.
It will get better. However, at times of stress you will feel you need your mum and a hug. In January this year, I was very ill with swine flu and despite having a wonderful husband and son, who looked after me very well, there was one day, when I couldn't stop crying because I wanted my Mum to cuddle me, and that was after 9 years.
In October this year, I had an operation and the night I had it, I had a strange experience. I was in bed and very uncomfortable and I felt as it someone whispered in my ear, "It will be alright", and I thought it sounded like my Mum. I opened my eyes and there was no one there. I suppose I was dreaming, but you never know.