Weekend Away but OH's friends boyfriend has died.

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  • Babe RainbowBabe Rainbow Posts: 34,349
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    yes we were going to new york for a xmas shopping trip, as she was having major probs with her best friend,my oh was under pressure from the moment we started dating to dump me because her best mate hated me and still does with a passion, anyway she took an overdose and as the love of my life was feeling guilty i decided to cancel the trip so she could be with her, that trip cost us both almost two grand,

    the oh's sister and parents tried to talk to her and make her see that she deserves to be happy an enjoy her trip away, my oh has been through hell because of her best friend since they were teens, both her and i have done everything we can to help and no matter what me and the oh has is worth fighting for and while i would never say its me or the best mate, i can say with all honesty that her friend would say the opposite,

    Ah I see - yes I understand now.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,352
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    Oh no - no way. Even if you've done something that's caused personal offence, for them to say you should cancel your trip but you're not wanted at the funeral isn't on. Putting the trip to one side, you're a couple, so if she wants one of you she should accept the other - it's a funeral, not a party. If you're not welcome there, your OH will need to choose between the two of you. If a friend said that to me about my OH in the same situation, I would spend time with her in the lead-up to the funeral & would definitely take flowers round the day before but I wouldn't be at the funeral itself, because I wouldn't be prepared to have my OH left out of things, even more so if he'd cancelled a trip to allow us to be there. If he didn't want to go & was hoping he wouldn't have to, that's one thing. But if my OH hasn't done anything to deserve the snub, no-one, absolutely no-one, would tell me my OH wasn't welcome & expect me to be there without him. Her Mum is right - if this is the way the friend behaves normally, your OH will have to put herself & you first, otherwise she'll always be expected to drop things for her. Would this friend do it for her if the situation was reversed?

    I don't understand why she feels such loyalty to a friend who talks badly about her anyway. She sounds more like a user than a friend to me. :confused:[/QUOTE

    I 100% agree with the above....If you are NOT welcome to the deceased funeral, what the hell is her reaction going to be when she hears that you are engaged??

    IMO, the bereaved lady should be in so much grief that she should not be worrying about who's 'invited' to the service!

    Your gf needs to look at the bigger picture, her friend may want her to support her, but your gf will want you there to support her also....I feel for you, hope you resolve this.
  • SystemSystem Posts: 2,096,970
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    I think it sounds like your girlfriend want to do, what she considers, the right thing, you have to support her in that. You'll have a lousy weekend away if she feels she should be somewhere else.

    The problem with funerals is they only happen once, so if you feel you must go, you must go or you'll possibly regret it for ever.

    So it boils down to two questions; does your gf want to go to the funeral and if so does she want you to accompany her?

    Could a member of your gf's family not represent her at the funeral?
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 241
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    True friends want each other to be happy. With respect, this friend must have family and surely her boyfriend's family will be present?

    IMO, the weekend of the funeral will be about her family supporting her and her boyfriend's family feeling he was part of her IYSWIM? Your OH will probably be more use than an ornament with all these other people fussing around her friend. In my experience, it is the days that follow a funeral when you really do need a friend.

    It is a diffcult situatiion to be in, you could cancel your weekend and the friend could go off to stay with family. There are loads of outcomes but think a true friend would not use emotional blackmal.

    Hope you fnd the best solution soon.
  • susie-4964susie-4964 Posts: 23,143
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    I've read the whole thread and thought about it, and I think there's a deeper problem here. When you commit to someone, that person becomes the most important person in your life, above family and friends. I know - my OH was prepared to leave his family to marry me, although fortunately it didn't come to that and they came around in the end. Anyway, what I'm saying is: if this girl thinks her friend (who doesn't sound like a good friend, more of an emotional blackmailer) is more important than her potential husband, that does not bode well for the future relationship, and the OP could be looking at years of being played off against his partner's mate. Not saying it will happen, and we don't know the whole background, but on the basis of what's been said here, I'd be prepared for a very long talk about priorities before any proposal is made.
  • CineastCineast Posts: 2,483
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    This is such a difficult one...

    OP, I can totally understand where you're coming from, it must be a right pain in the butt to have your plans scuppered like this, especially when it involves someone who has tried to come between you before. You've got every right to be annoyed about it, no matter how tragic the circumstances.

    However, suck it up for now. You're obviously in it for the long haul and I think the best thing you can do is postpone the trip, wait till after the funeral and everything calms down again, and then propose. After that, you can be free to casually insert into the conversation how you were going to do it now but didn't think the time was right etc etc. Believe me, you will get bonus points for being so thoughtful;)
  • DerekPAgainDerekPAgain Posts: 2,708
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    susie-4964 wrote: »
    I've read the whole thread and thought about it, and I think there's a deeper problem here. When you commit to someone, that person becomes the most important person in your life, above family and friends. I know - my OH was prepared to leave his family to marry me, although fortunately it didn't come to that and they came around in the end. Anyway, what I'm saying is: if this girl thinks her friend (who doesn't sound like a good friend, more of an emotional blackmailer) is more important than her potential husband, that does not bode well for the future relationship, and the OP could be looking at years of being played off against his partner's mate. Not saying it will happen, and we don't know the whole background, but on the basis of what's been said here, I'd be prepared for a very long talk about priorities before any proposal is made.


    100% agree with this.

    The issue isn't the funeral or the trip. The issue is that the OH's friend is a controlling b*tch who wants to keep the OH's life on a short leash.

    I can see the marriage (iff it ever happens) having to deal with the OH's friend having a nervous breakdown and needing OH to be there for her. Instead of getting married.

    Unless the OH is absolutely joined at the hip to this friend, her presence at the funeral is peripheral to her friend's grief.
  • daniel hallidaydaniel halliday Posts: 863
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    susie-4964 wrote: »
    I've read the whole thread and thought about it, and I think there's a deeper problem here. When you commit to someone, that person becomes the most important person in your life, above family and friends. I know - my OH was prepared to leave his family to marry me, although fortunately it didn't come to that and they came around in the end. Anyway, what I'm saying is: if this girl thinks her friend (who doesn't sound like a good friend, more of an emotional blackmailer) is more important than her potential husband, that does not bode well for the future relationship, and the OP could be looking at years of being played off against his partner's mate. Not saying it will happen, and we don't know the whole background, but on the basis of what's been said here, I'd be prepared for a very long talk about priorities before any proposal is made.

    this is exactly as how the OH's family see it, they except they feel her mate is trying to knock us of course, when the friend and her oh were loved up my darling oh was basically ignored,its only when things were rocky or she needed something that my oh ever saw her,:mad:

    anyway we are NOT going to let this ruin almost four years of a god solid relationship, we talked today and i phoned and got everything postponed for a week with very little financial cost to us, we even got the balloon flight moved and the bbc are allowing us to swap tkts with a couple who can now only go this week, so good news all round,

    well no, my amanda told us tonight that her friend feels its a bad idea to go away so soon after the funeral, now FFS i said when will there be a good time? so we are going away as we talked about it all day and the oh ha said she will have to cope without me at some point, so a week on friday we are off to london, but i am not going to the funeral , i was going but it was strongly indicated that my presence would not be welcome, so i'm going for a pint with my future dad-in-law, his idea,

    and i still plan to propose but a week late,
  • PIDGASPIDGAS Posts: 3,834
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    i'm sorry he's dead but its our birthdays this weekend and we have not had a holiday/short break together for three years because of work,and the last time we were due to go away for a weekend her friend go upset about it and took an overdose, now the only way i would cancel if it was either of our families who had sadly passed away, certainly not for a friend's OH,

    You'll probably both have birthdays next year but your partner's friend's boyfriend won't.

    She wants to be there for her friend. See what a nice person and good friend she is? You should be proud of her not annoyed with her and demanding she doesn't go! :mad:
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 388
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    fair play to you for moving your weekend away, and I'm sorry that your proposal plans are being waylaid ... I have to say, for someone who is in the midst of grief, this "friend" is having a lot to say about your situation, and that makes me think she is sadly using this situation to her own ends. The funeral - yes, can understand that, but dictating your lives after ... that's wrong, and I think your OH needs to be firm but fair about this and go for your weekend and enjoy it.

    I hope everything goes fab for you, albeit a week late. :)

    Windy
  • Channel HopperChannel Hopper Posts: 15,941
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    John Sergeant has a lot to answer for.
  • RadiomaniacRadiomaniac Posts: 43,510
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    This is a nasty dilemma OP. You have my sympathy, as there seems no way that you will all end up happy.

    I would say that if possible could you (as someone already suggested) take a friend with you, so as to not entirely waste the weekend? Then your OH could stay with the friend and do what she wants.

    It won't be the ideal arrangement and you'd have to arrange another weekend away some other time, but at least something is salvaged.

    I don't think you are a monster at all (if you were you wouldn't be on here fretting over it).

    The friend taking an overdose because you went away previously, is rather worrying.
  • daniel hallidaydaniel halliday Posts: 863
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    This is a nasty dilemma OP. You have my sympathy, as there seems no way that you will all end up happy.

    I would say that if possible could you (as someone already suggested) take a friend with you, so as to not entirely waste the weekend? Then your OH could stay with the friend and do what she wants.

    It won't be the ideal arrangement and you'd have to arrange another weekend away some other time, but at least something is salvaged.

    I don't think you are a monster at all (if you were you wouldn't be on here fretting over it).

    The friend taking an overdose because you went away previously, is rather worrying.

    well i got everything moved and rearranged so at least my darling oh will not miss out, the oh is in bed now after another stressfull day , her family have been getting on to her a bit regarding putting her mate first but i am going to have a word with them tomorrow to ask them to give her space and not to blame her for anything,

    the overdose situation the last time really freaked my oh out and affected her for months,
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,352
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    You've done a good thing there, Daniel!

    Now, you have to go enjoy yourselves and bag yourself a wife to be! What worries me now is the bereaved friends reaction! Hopefully, a positive one!

    Will she be a bridesmaid?:eek:

    What a guy, and what a lucky girl your gf is!

    Have fun!
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 13,717
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    well no, my amanda told us tonight that her friend feels its a bad idea to go away so soon after the funeral, now FFS i said when will there be a good time? so we are going away as we talked about it all day and the oh ha said she will have to cope without me at some point, so a week on friday we are off to london, but i am not going to the funeral , i was going but it was strongly indicated that my presence would not be welcome, so i'm going for a pint with my future dad-in-law, his idea,

    and i still plan to propose but a week late,
    I'm sorry if it sounds bad to anyone on here who's just been bereaved, but that's the point at which I'd heavily hint she should fill her mouth with cotton wool & take some very deep breaths. :mad: You've changed your plans for her, & she's got a real cheek trying to tell you how to live after the funeral. :mad:

    I'm glad your OH seems to be getting wise to her. When you've had your weekend away, I think your OH should start to distance herself from this woman, otherwise she'll be telling you when to get married, where to live, when to have your children & so on. She's had too much say in your OH's life already, & that's allowed her to think she's (a) got the right to say what she does, & (b) she's going to be listened to every time. You need to knock it on the head as a couple but the words need to come from your OH, & she needs to be confident enough in herself to see she doesn't need to put up with this woman's nastiness in order to have a friend.
  • PictoPicto Posts: 24,270
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    I feel for you Daniel, you're in a no win situation and i fear this will all end badly, unfortunately.

    I was in a not too dissimilar position as you a few years ago, things got nasty, my OH's ex-best friend in now in a psychiatric hospital.

    Good news is my OH could see very clearly what was happening from day one and we are still together stronger than ever.
  • GoodMikeyGoodMikey Posts: 2,883
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    You can get so much better than her IMO, she treats you like crap from all I heard. I mean you paid a lot of money and organised the trip and she knows that. Now the friend wants her to herself and your OH chose her over you. This just shows that your second place.

    If it was me I'd say that I'm not prepared to play second fiddle to her friend.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,369
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    This is a tricky one, whether the friend is upset about her OH or jealous of you she's going to be using this as an excuse for months if not years.

    A close friend of mine went into nurse training and stayed at digs, an emotional leech befriended her and followed her around like a puppy. Whenever one of us would arrange a night out or a catch up, this leech would take an overdose :rolleyes:

    After a few months of this my friend would just put her in the recovery position with a plate of burnt toast and go out with us. Luckily the leech eventually found a bf, poor sod!
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 710
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    GoodMikey wrote: »
    You can get so much better than her IMO, she treats you like crap from all I heard. I mean you paid a lot of money and organised the trip and she knows that. Now the friend wants her to herself and your OH chose her over you. This just shows that your second place.

    If it was me I'd say that I'm not prepared to play second fiddle to her friend.

    I don't think that is the case at all - the poster's OH is being emotionally blackmailed by a woman that she has been 'friends' with for a long time - it would be incredibly difficult to walk away at such an emotional time.... it isn't about her choosing between them, she is trying to do the right thing, and unfortunately that will be at a cost of a weekend away. Remember, although the OH knew they were off to London, she didn't know about the planned proposal...

    Anyway OP, GOOD LUCK to you and your OH - get through the next week supporting your OH as much as you can, and then go away together and have a fantastic weekend - hopefully then your proposal weekend will be associated with happy memories rather than sad ones. :)
  • InspirationInspiration Posts: 62,694
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    I think it's worth keeping in mind that this isn't just her friend pulling some emotional stunt to ruin your plans or her being a drama queen over a relationship issue.. he really is dead. This will have nothing to do with you.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 710
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    I think it's worth keeping in mind that this isn't just her friend pulling some emotional stunt to ruin your plans or her being a drama queen over a relationship issue.. he really is dead. This will have nothing to do with you.

    That is indeed true. However manipulative the friend is, she really has just lost someone, so will be feeling utterly dreadful. As I said above, the OP's OH really is just trying to do the right thing by her.
  • crazychris12crazychris12 Posts: 26,254
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    Daniel I'm glad it's all worked out and you've managed to change everything. Glad she didn't listen to her friend and you're going next weekend. You've postponed a week so Amanda can go to the funeral then FFS her friend says it's "too soon" :mad: :rolleyes: Have a great weekend down here in London and hope she says yes! Doubt the friend will be very happy that you're engaged as she has no-one now but take no notice of her and tell Amanda not to either.

    Someone should tell her friend that you don't invite people to funerals or say who can and can't come, like a wedding. You say when it is then it's up to them if they want to pay their respects. Bang out of order to say her best friend's OH can't attend. I know she's just lost her boyfriend but she sounds far too big for her boots and needs taking down a peg or two.:mad:
  • daniel hallidaydaniel halliday Posts: 863
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    sorry to bump this thread up gain but its to let everyone know who contributed to the topic that this morning we got a phone call from the oh's sister who informed her and i that the friend had lied about the funeral date and it was at 9:30 am this morning, now my oh is literally seething with anger after returning home,

    as it stands we still could have went away yet that friend once again used and manipulated the oh to get what she wanted, my oh did go to the funeral though but kept a very healthy distance from her, and as soon as it was over left without saying a word to her,once i shall have to pick up the pieces, anyway i have made it clear her mate is not allowed near me or the house and if she sees her then i want no part of it ever, i feel like just walking away but then the manipulative hatefull bitch who claims to be the oh's best friend would win and where would that leave my oh,
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 224
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    sorry to bump this thread up gain but its to let everyone know who contributed to the topic that this morning we got a phone call from the oh's sister who informed her and i that the friend had lied about the funeral date and it was at 9:30 am this morning, now my oh is literally seething with anger after returning home,

    as it stands we still could have went away yet that friend once again used and manipulated the oh to get what she wanted, my oh did go to the funeral though but kept a very healthy distance from her, and as soon as it was over left without saying a word to her,once i shall have to pick up the pieces, anyway i have made it clear her mate is not allowed near me or the house and if she sees her then i want no part of it ever, i feel like just walking away but then the manipulative hatefull bitch who claims to be the oh's best friend would win and where would that leave my oh,

    I really feel for you chap, that sounds like a nightmare. Your girlfriend obviously has a massive heart and just wants to help other people, just don't let your own emotional happiness be compromised over the years..

    Oh her friend sounds like she needs some psychological help. Is there any reason for her disliking you?

    Edit: I think the people saying that the OH is harsh are pretty out of order, the specifics of the situation are very complicated and unique to them.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,352
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    Daniel,

    That is shameful behaviour....even in deepest grief that shouldn't be happening....If that were me, I would only care that my OH was gone forever and anything and everything else would fade into the background...

    I cannot understand how despite the loss she has suffered that she would still play mind games? I am assuming this lady has very, very deep seated emotional problems and a general nasty streak!

    I hope your GF can come to realise what a toxic person her 'FRIEND' is and that she cuts the ties that are left and moves on and away forever frrom her.......

    And furthermore, I think your GF is a true friend who unconditionally loves her friend....that is an amazingly giving GF that you have, but sometimes you have to end relationships and I feel she will only suffer if she continues her friendship....Time to move on!
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