In crisis, family, end of my tether!

[Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,282
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First of all, I promise this is my last post on this matter (I have posted before about my family). However I am at breaking point and just need to rant more than anything.

My mother is in hospital for the third time since last September, leaving me once again to look after her house and her teenage son. After months of test it has shown there is nothing physically wrong with her, yet she has again lost mobility and her cognitive abilities. The only way I can describe it is every few weeks she becomes like a 90 year old woman with full blown dementia. This "bout" always coincides with me telling her that I'm moving out, it starts off slowly "sure, move out - but I don't know how I will cope without you", and ends with an ambulance coming to pick her up because she can't walk upstairs, bathe herself or speak a full coherent sentence.

Basically, I have had enough. She has used me for over 20 years, first using me as a doormat for her problems and at times a punchbag and now she makes me feel utterly awful every time I try and leave. I'm walking out next month, whether she is back or not, but have a big issue due to no job plus my brother and my dog needing taking care of. Social Services have been involved with both of them, however the child unit have signed off on my brother due to them "trusting me to take care of him as I'm the responsible/adult" person in the family. I just feel like everyone is dumping responsibility on me that I have neither asked for or want, but after years of being run down mentally I obviously have "idiot" written on my forehead.

There's no one as in family who can really help. Turns out that people in the wider community knew about her behavior for years, yet never once told me and left me feeling very alone. If they didn't help then I'm sure they won't help now that she is gone absolutely mad on attention seeking. I don't really even know what kind of advice I'm looking for, just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation and how difficult is it going to be just walking out the door and leaving everything behind? I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown myself, everything just makes me feel sick. I can't sleep, I'm eating nothing but high sugar foods and I just feel like my life has gone down the toilet. Sorry for the long, moaning "poor me" post, just feels good to get it all out.

Comments

  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,704
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    Oh no, that sounds awful :(

    Could you contact social services and explain that you do not want to be considered as looking after him (or whatever the technical term is)?

    I think you need to take the bull by the horns and move out when you intend you. Put yourself first. Ignore (try to) her manipulation, as it wont stop. Your brother is not your issue so contact SS to make sure they are aware you are moving.

    I've not seen your other posts so sorry if I'm not understanding the full circumstances. Also sorry for shortish response, am typing whilst watching top gear so a little distracted.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,704
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    And go speak to your doctor about how its stressing you out. It will possibly help when you speak to SS about not being able to take responsibility for your brother.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 8,145
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    I wouldn't walk out. I'd set a day and go, no matter what. But make her aware, rather than just leaving. My nan does similar to my mum, if she goes on holiday it is guaranteed nan will fall ill during it, I'll enough that my mum has to come home. She doesn't do it on purpose I don't think, but works herself up because mums not around until she falls ill. Last holiday (Florida) she got pneumonia as we were heading home. It's really difficult, as she's not getting ill on purpose, but equally she still manages to ruin every holiday we have (I mean every single holiday since I can remember!) .


    I wouldn't let her blackmail you with it. Tell her, and make it clear, that you will still be around, but just not living with her. Baby steps are needed I think. Also tell social that you cannot, and will not, sign for responsibly for your brother, they need to make other arrangements, or tell them you'll care for him at yours whilst she's recovering. But make sure you take that step away, once she realises it's not as bad as she thought it might get better.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,282
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    I have told them, but they really don't want to do anything until I physically leave. He's a handful as it is, have trouble getting him to school (he's a high achiever but doesn't like school and claims he's being bullied). I'm actually going away for a week and a half and they still won't do anything, have my sister coming round to look after him and my dog even though she doesn't want to in any way. I don't know what to do about my poor dog either, no one will take her in but don't want to give her to the RSPCA. It's a total mess of a situation to be honest :(.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,282
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    bazaar1 wrote: »
    I wouldn't walk out. I'd set a day and go, no matter what. But make her aware, rather than just leaving. My nan does similar to my mum, if she goes on holiday it is guaranteed nan will fall ill during it, I'll enough that my mum has to come home. She doesn't do it on purpose I don't think, but works herself up because mums not around until she falls ill. Last holiday (Florida) she got pneumonia as we were heading home. It's really difficult, as she's not getting ill on purpose, but equally she still manages to ruin every holiday we have (I mean every single holiday since I can remember!) .


    I wouldn't let her blackmail you with it. Tell her, and make it clear, that you will still be around, but just not living with her. Baby steps are needed I think. Also tell social that you cannot, and will not, sign for responsibly for your brother, they need to make other arrangements, or tell them you'll care for him at yours whilst she's recovering. But make sure you take that step away, once she realises it's not as bad as she thought it might get better.

    Thing is, I've tried the baby steps and it hasn't worked at all. Plus I'm not going to be around - I'm moving over 100 miles away and the way I feel I don't even want to speak to her for a good long while. I went away for three years for uni, in that time I had phone calls all the time and every once in a while got dragged back home to sort out her problems. I can't have that again, otherwise I will just end up back in the exact same situation I'm in now.
  • StressMonkeyStressMonkey Posts: 13,347
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    I have read some of your previous threads Ned and I just want to say I am so pleased you are moving out and determined to live your own life :) I like the new, determined Ned Adra.

    Regarding the dog, if you think you are going to have to rehome him then dogpages.org.uk is a wealth of information regarding rescues. Otherwise, is there anyone who could take him till you are settled?

    The only other bit of advice I can give is - Don't lock back! And enjoy your freedom :)
  • maxsimaxsi Posts: 2,412
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    Decide on a date ..Tell social services so you can't be held responsible for you brother... Then tell him and your mother... Stick to it.... Move most of your stuff out so that on the day you actually go you can literally just go.... Then start your life and enjoy yourself ...good luck
  • marianna01marianna01 Posts: 2,598
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    There comes a time in our lives when we break free from all the people who make us feel unwelcome or unworthy or are unkind or cruel to us .... I broke free a long time ago and have no regrets.
  • shmiskshmisk Posts: 7,963
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    how will you find spmewhere to live first?
  • postitpostit Posts: 23,839
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    marianna01 wrote: »
    There comes a time in our lives when we break free from all the people who make us feel unwelcome or unworthy or are unkind or cruel to us .... I broke free a long time ago and have no regrets.

    ^^^ This. Leave and don't look back. You'll be all the better for it. I did it and haven't spent a moment regretting it.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,282
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    Thanks guys, I have some sort of plan in mind, however there's a couple of things that need to be sorted beforehand. I have given myself a maximum 6 weeks from now though, so that is a start! I also have plenty of places to stay until I get on my feet, I will probably stay with my boyfriend for a little while (since I've barely seen him for a year it will be nice to spend some time with him). As for my doggie, no one will take her - she can also be a bit of a handful, my brother wound her up no end when we first got her and now she can get a bit nervous around strangers. She's never hurt anyone, but her growling can be scary to people who don't know her. It's a shame, I wish they could see the sweet little dog who's currently snoring away in my bed. It's heartbreaking enough since my other dog passed away a couple of months ago, now it looks like I have to say goodbye again.
  • postitpostit Posts: 23,839
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    Neb Adra wrote: »
    Thanks guys, I have some sort of plan in mind, however there's a couple of things that need to be sorted beforehand. I have given myself a maximum 6 weeks from now though, so that is a start! I also have plenty of places to stay until I get on my feet, I will probably stay with my boyfriend for a little while (since I've barely seen him for a year it will be nice to spend some time with him). As for my doggie, no one will take her - she can also be a bit of a handful, my brother wound her up no end when we first got her and now she can get a bit nervous around strangers. She's never hurt anyone, but her growling can be scary to people who don't know her. It's a shame, I wish they could see the sweet little dog who's currently snoring away in my bed. It's heartbreaking enough since my other dog passed away a couple of months ago, now it looks like I have to say goodbye again.

    The one and only regret I had when I left my husband in the USA was leaving my dog. But as long as she is in my memory, she is alive and thriving.
  • Tt88Tt88 Posts: 6,827
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    With regards to your dog you could try local shelters. I saw a programme once about dogs who battersea took in but couldnt be rehomed because they were aggressive. The ones who werent too bad got took in by a charity who specialise in dog training and after a few months the dog was retrained and able to be took in as a pet.

    Good luck, i really think you need to move for your own health. Make sure ss know you arent willing to be your brothers main care giver so they can make alternative plans. And whatever you do, dont feel guilty.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 507
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    With your dog, as someone suggested, try dogpages website, you've got 6 weeks to get her a new home there are people on there that take all sorts of dogs help them get over their issues and then rehome them or even keep them theirselves, its worth a shot, the people on that site are amazing and such dedicated dog lovers, If ever I had a problem they would be my first option.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,282
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    I've been looking at the dogspage site and will definitely keep it in mind. It's the worst part of all this though, I don't want to do it, but I cannot take her with me at the moment. On the other hand I cannot trust my mother to look after her. It's breaking my heart even thinking of letting her go but I have to make sure she's safe and well looked after.
  • babinabababinaba Posts: 5,424
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    You don't have a friend that could look after her temporarily?
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 309
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    Hi I remember reading your post quite a few months ago, and it sounds like you situation is now worse.

    I want you to know that your life is the most important thing. She is simply using you and if you are not there she WILL manage, or she will start to harass other people or medical services.

    Go and move in with your boyfriend and tell your Mother when she is more stable you will visit once a month, but only socially and not to care for her.

    If she is mentally or physically not able to look after herself she needs help from social services.

    http://www.dh.gov.uk/health/category/policy-areas/social-care/

    For example if she had dementia you would not be able to look after her (im not saying she has) and so she is either in genuine need of help or she is making it up and is not.
  • shmiskshmisk Posts: 7,963
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    Could you afford to put her in kennels or find out if a local dog charity could find foster care if you paid the food and expenses?

    Your vet may have some ideas? It would be a shame for both you and your dog if you had to be parted forever
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,282
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    shmisk wrote: »
    Could you afford to put her in kennels or find out if a local dog charity could find foster care if you paid the food and expenses?

    Your vet may have some ideas? It would be a shame for both you and your dog if you had to be parted forever

    i cannot afford kennels, especially not long term - but looking into the second and third option right now.

    I went to the doctors this morning and he's put me back on anti-depressants which is always fun. However, my sister has just made things ten times worse, she had promised to look after our brother and the dog whilst I had to go away this week until next, she let me know about an hour ago that she wouldn't be able to do Wednesday night until Friday as she is working slightly further away. She tells me this a few hours before I am meant to leave, ending the conversation with "well it's all you fault anyway, it's your problem not mine". Have no idea what I have done to deserve such a loving, selfless family :mad:.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,147
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    well, there are people on here that know a bit of what it can be like. When I was growing up, and beyond, there was literally just ...my dads illness, and ...all their problems. On top of that, my partner, he was my proper partner at the time, not now cos of all the huge strain, well he got into a lot, a huge lot of trouble to get me out of there. My brother, I had to protect him, so he doesnt know it all, so that relationship can be very strained at times. And you probably know, people that have children and dump a lot on them are selfish, and those people end up with the stuffing knocked out of them, and so they cant take the strain of a normal adult life. So you have to leave, and not end up.....like me.
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