In crisis, family, end of my tether!
[Deleted User]
Posts: 1,282
Forum Member
✭✭✭
First of all, I promise this is my last post on this matter (I have posted before about my family). However I am at breaking point and just need to rant more than anything.
My mother is in hospital for the third time since last September, leaving me once again to look after her house and her teenage son. After months of test it has shown there is nothing physically wrong with her, yet she has again lost mobility and her cognitive abilities. The only way I can describe it is every few weeks she becomes like a 90 year old woman with full blown dementia. This "bout" always coincides with me telling her that I'm moving out, it starts off slowly "sure, move out - but I don't know how I will cope without you", and ends with an ambulance coming to pick her up because she can't walk upstairs, bathe herself or speak a full coherent sentence.
Basically, I have had enough. She has used me for over 20 years, first using me as a doormat for her problems and at times a punchbag and now she makes me feel utterly awful every time I try and leave. I'm walking out next month, whether she is back or not, but have a big issue due to no job plus my brother and my dog needing taking care of. Social Services have been involved with both of them, however the child unit have signed off on my brother due to them "trusting me to take care of him as I'm the responsible/adult" person in the family. I just feel like everyone is dumping responsibility on me that I have neither asked for or want, but after years of being run down mentally I obviously have "idiot" written on my forehead.
There's no one as in family who can really help. Turns out that people in the wider community knew about her behavior for years, yet never once told me and left me feeling very alone. If they didn't help then I'm sure they won't help now that she is gone absolutely mad on attention seeking. I don't really even know what kind of advice I'm looking for, just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation and how difficult is it going to be just walking out the door and leaving everything behind? I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown myself, everything just makes me feel sick. I can't sleep, I'm eating nothing but high sugar foods and I just feel like my life has gone down the toilet. Sorry for the long, moaning "poor me" post, just feels good to get it all out.
My mother is in hospital for the third time since last September, leaving me once again to look after her house and her teenage son. After months of test it has shown there is nothing physically wrong with her, yet she has again lost mobility and her cognitive abilities. The only way I can describe it is every few weeks she becomes like a 90 year old woman with full blown dementia. This "bout" always coincides with me telling her that I'm moving out, it starts off slowly "sure, move out - but I don't know how I will cope without you", and ends with an ambulance coming to pick her up because she can't walk upstairs, bathe herself or speak a full coherent sentence.
Basically, I have had enough. She has used me for over 20 years, first using me as a doormat for her problems and at times a punchbag and now she makes me feel utterly awful every time I try and leave. I'm walking out next month, whether she is back or not, but have a big issue due to no job plus my brother and my dog needing taking care of. Social Services have been involved with both of them, however the child unit have signed off on my brother due to them "trusting me to take care of him as I'm the responsible/adult" person in the family. I just feel like everyone is dumping responsibility on me that I have neither asked for or want, but after years of being run down mentally I obviously have "idiot" written on my forehead.
There's no one as in family who can really help. Turns out that people in the wider community knew about her behavior for years, yet never once told me and left me feeling very alone. If they didn't help then I'm sure they won't help now that she is gone absolutely mad on attention seeking. I don't really even know what kind of advice I'm looking for, just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation and how difficult is it going to be just walking out the door and leaving everything behind? I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown myself, everything just makes me feel sick. I can't sleep, I'm eating nothing but high sugar foods and I just feel like my life has gone down the toilet. Sorry for the long, moaning "poor me" post, just feels good to get it all out.
0
Comments
Could you contact social services and explain that you do not want to be considered as looking after him (or whatever the technical term is)?
I think you need to take the bull by the horns and move out when you intend you. Put yourself first. Ignore (try to) her manipulation, as it wont stop. Your brother is not your issue so contact SS to make sure they are aware you are moving.
I've not seen your other posts so sorry if I'm not understanding the full circumstances. Also sorry for shortish response, am typing whilst watching top gear so a little distracted.
I wouldn't let her blackmail you with it. Tell her, and make it clear, that you will still be around, but just not living with her. Baby steps are needed I think. Also tell social that you cannot, and will not, sign for responsibly for your brother, they need to make other arrangements, or tell them you'll care for him at yours whilst she's recovering. But make sure you take that step away, once she realises it's not as bad as she thought it might get better.
Thing is, I've tried the baby steps and it hasn't worked at all. Plus I'm not going to be around - I'm moving over 100 miles away and the way I feel I don't even want to speak to her for a good long while. I went away for three years for uni, in that time I had phone calls all the time and every once in a while got dragged back home to sort out her problems. I can't have that again, otherwise I will just end up back in the exact same situation I'm in now.
Regarding the dog, if you think you are going to have to rehome him then dogpages.org.uk is a wealth of information regarding rescues. Otherwise, is there anyone who could take him till you are settled?
The only other bit of advice I can give is - Don't lock back! And enjoy your freedom
^^^ This. Leave and don't look back. You'll be all the better for it. I did it and haven't spent a moment regretting it.
The one and only regret I had when I left my husband in the USA was leaving my dog. But as long as she is in my memory, she is alive and thriving.
Good luck, i really think you need to move for your own health. Make sure ss know you arent willing to be your brothers main care giver so they can make alternative plans. And whatever you do, dont feel guilty.
I want you to know that your life is the most important thing. She is simply using you and if you are not there she WILL manage, or she will start to harass other people or medical services.
Go and move in with your boyfriend and tell your Mother when she is more stable you will visit once a month, but only socially and not to care for her.
If she is mentally or physically not able to look after herself she needs help from social services.
http://www.dh.gov.uk/health/category/policy-areas/social-care/
For example if she had dementia you would not be able to look after her (im not saying she has) and so she is either in genuine need of help or she is making it up and is not.
Your vet may have some ideas? It would be a shame for both you and your dog if you had to be parted forever
i cannot afford kennels, especially not long term - but looking into the second and third option right now.
I went to the doctors this morning and he's put me back on anti-depressants which is always fun. However, my sister has just made things ten times worse, she had promised to look after our brother and the dog whilst I had to go away this week until next, she let me know about an hour ago that she wouldn't be able to do Wednesday night until Friday as she is working slightly further away. She tells me this a few hours before I am meant to leave, ending the conversation with "well it's all you fault anyway, it's your problem not mine". Have no idea what I have done to deserve such a loving, selfless family :mad:.