From the Daily Mail columnist Deborah Ross
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Man Who Can Talk Only In Apprentice-Speak goes for milk down the corner shop: Shopkeeper: Mornin'.
Man Who Can Talk Only In Apprentice-Speak:
There are only winners and losers and I'm a winner and, as a winner, I don't have any time for losers who aren't winners and don't have the appropriate skills set to be winners. I play to win.
Shopkeeper: Did you want something?
Man Who Can Talk Only In Apprentice-Speak:
My Auntie Betty was a loser, which is why I had to push her down the stairs and break her legs, and her neck, but as I said to her then and would say to her now, if only she had survived: "Auntie Betty, there are only winners and losers and even though you are a decent person of whom many people are fond, the fact is I'm a winner, you're a loser and I can't be doing with losers."
Shopkeeper: Milk?
Man Who Can Talk Only In Apprentice-Speak:
Yes, milk, but not milk for losers; milk for winners. If there is one thing I can tell you about myself it is this: I am a winner. I am such a winner that I have no friends and no one likes me and I am a tiresome prat, but that's being a winner for you. I don't do failure, except as a human being, but I can't see that because I'm a winner, and winners never see themselves for the losers they really are. In fact, even if I lose, I've won, because I'll say: "I'll be back, and back as a billionaire." And trust me, I will be back, and I will be back giving it 150 per cent as well as many other meaningless percentages.
Shopkeeper: Oh, p*** off and get out of my shop.
Man Who Can Talk Only In Apprentice-Speak: Loser!
Later, as The Man Who Can Talk Only In Apprentice-Speak sits alone over his black tea and dry cereal, he says:
Honestly, I can't believe all the losers out there! I'm so glad I'm a winner!'
Man Who Can Talk Only In Apprentice-Speak:
There are only winners and losers and I'm a winner and, as a winner, I don't have any time for losers who aren't winners and don't have the appropriate skills set to be winners. I play to win.
Shopkeeper: Did you want something?
Man Who Can Talk Only In Apprentice-Speak:
My Auntie Betty was a loser, which is why I had to push her down the stairs and break her legs, and her neck, but as I said to her then and would say to her now, if only she had survived: "Auntie Betty, there are only winners and losers and even though you are a decent person of whom many people are fond, the fact is I'm a winner, you're a loser and I can't be doing with losers."
Shopkeeper: Milk?
Man Who Can Talk Only In Apprentice-Speak:
Yes, milk, but not milk for losers; milk for winners. If there is one thing I can tell you about myself it is this: I am a winner. I am such a winner that I have no friends and no one likes me and I am a tiresome prat, but that's being a winner for you. I don't do failure, except as a human being, but I can't see that because I'm a winner, and winners never see themselves for the losers they really are. In fact, even if I lose, I've won, because I'll say: "I'll be back, and back as a billionaire." And trust me, I will be back, and I will be back giving it 150 per cent as well as many other meaningless percentages.
Shopkeeper: Oh, p*** off and get out of my shop.
Man Who Can Talk Only In Apprentice-Speak: Loser!
Later, as The Man Who Can Talk Only In Apprentice-Speak sits alone over his black tea and dry cereal, he says:
Honestly, I can't believe all the losers out there! I'm so glad I'm a winner!'
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