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Should your family come before spouse?
1manonthebog
Posts: 3,707 Forum Member
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This is something that has always bothered me to be honest. With me my priorities in life in this exact order would be.
1- My Kids
2- My Other Half
3- My parents
With my Mrs its very much in this order
1- Kids
2- Family
3 - Extended Family
4- Me
I will be honest it angers me. It wasn't always like this, I was number 1 until me moved in together and kids came along. If I point this out the fight starts so now I just go with the flow.
What I mean by this is years ago I wanted to go travelling, she wouldn't go as wouldn't leave the family. Or if I organise something for us and it happens to clash with something her family is doing guess who gets priority. Or perhaps the best one yet was a few years ago myself and her brother were in a minor car accident, I ended up with a broken arm. the brother a bit of concussion, she got notified of the accident and came to hospital, guess who she went to see first? Wasn't me anyway.
Perhaps its me, I was an only child, as was my father, we were never close and I moved out as soon as I could, so my family is not really high on my priority list, I seem mine may be once a month while she see's her family every day.
As I say if I say anything she immediately starts the fight.
Anyone else experience this? Or am I thinking to much into it?
1- My Kids
2- My Other Half
3- My parents
With my Mrs its very much in this order
1- Kids
2- Family
3 - Extended Family
4- Me
I will be honest it angers me. It wasn't always like this, I was number 1 until me moved in together and kids came along. If I point this out the fight starts so now I just go with the flow.
What I mean by this is years ago I wanted to go travelling, she wouldn't go as wouldn't leave the family. Or if I organise something for us and it happens to clash with something her family is doing guess who gets priority. Or perhaps the best one yet was a few years ago myself and her brother were in a minor car accident, I ended up with a broken arm. the brother a bit of concussion, she got notified of the accident and came to hospital, guess who she went to see first? Wasn't me anyway.
Perhaps its me, I was an only child, as was my father, we were never close and I moved out as soon as I could, so my family is not really high on my priority list, I seem mine may be once a month while she see's her family every day.
As I say if I say anything she immediately starts the fight.
Anyone else experience this? Or am I thinking to much into it?
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Comments
Perhaps if you didn't play up to top dog status, you might sit just below your kids. You sound as though as you should be more important than your kids, as well as trying to keep her away from her family as some sort of control mechanism or hold over her, as you are likely to be insecure about them influencing her.
I'm not sure what advice you want though? I mean, how much does it bother you? To the extent that you're questioning your relationship, or are you happy to put up with coming last, so to speak?
My thoughts exactly.
I don't think that's particularly fair.
It's about how you feel valued in your relationship. It must be difficult if you feel that your needs always come last and are less important than that of your partner's extended family. I can see how over time that would really start to grate. I'd be peeved as well if I was in a car crash and my partner went to see the other injured party before me! A relationship is supposed to be a team, and if you're not valued as part of that team, how can it work properly?
I am questioning it to be honest. I just don't think I should be last on the list.
We only have the OP's version. Perhaps he is the reason why extended family comes first as his other half doesn't want to be around him? Sounds harsh I know, but irrespective of that, something is broken in their relationship.
Thank you, I think with me its the fact I don't have anyone only her, if it wasn't for my kids I would have no contact with my parents as we don't really get along but they are mad about the kids so I make an effort.
Not harsh I think you're on to something. If I am honest I think she might only be hanging around for the sake of the kids, its just a vibe I pick up on. I've never questioned her in fear I might be right.
I don't think you should either, certainly not below your partner's extended family.
If your partner doesn't like discussing it though, it's gonna be an incredibly hard discussion to make her understand. And what if you have it out, and she calls your bluff? Does it bother you enough to possibly turn your life upside down over? Only you know the answer to that.
Is she ever willing to compromise? For example, have times when there's no problem with her seeing her family, but then other times where you, her and the kids go out for the day and it's family time for you.
Then there's another issue if she never compromises. Not everyone can have things their way all the time!
We do only have the OP's version, yes. But I think we've read different things into his post. I didn't pick up on anything about him wanting to be 'top dog' above his kids; in fact, he says his kids are his number one priority.
But I agree it does sound like something isn't right.
He said he was number one until the kids came along, as if he reveled in it. I've never really considered where I sit in the family hierarchy as it is a unit and not a league table.
1.Kids
2.OH
3.Parents
4.Brothers / Sisters
5.Rest of the family
Saying that, from the examples you've given, perhaps you should try organising things that don't clash with already pre-organised events. Also, asking someone to go travelling is a big commitment, it's not for everyone. Did you consider that or were you too busy sulking because she wasn't prepared to drop everything for you? And, concussion v broken arm, personally I'd be more concerned about the concussion.
There's enough in your post to suggest you're being highly subjective. I'd say grow up and stop being so precious. If your wife really is that important to you then her happiness would make you happy.
I naively assumed this was just words and it was workable, It wasn't but luckily i realised at a time where it was easy to cut the relationship, No kids and no shared property etc
I wasn't wanting to be 'the priority' but having it spelled out for you and not being equal was the thing that tipped it
so you have happy to be unhappy the rest of your life ? Your choice, either accept it or speak to her about. Does she know how you feel ?
I didn't mean it like that but yes I did seem to come first back then. There was never any issues when it came to going places or doing things, when we moved in it was like well our time will be at night in the house, the rest of the time is my family time as I am not living with them any more.
She knows how I feel about her family and the closeness yes, she doesn't know about my other fears. It is apparently very common, couples act like everything is fine then when the kids grow up and leave the nest they fall apart as it was only the kids keeping them together.
Probably explains it then, If you have made it clear you don't like she is close to her family then she is probably thinking you aren't worth her time
For example I'm very close to my mum, I can only ever have one, she gave birth to me and has given up a lot to bring me up, plus she loves me unconditionally. On the other hand partners come along later in life, they only love you if you under certain conditions and there's no guarantee they'll stick with you forever. That doesn't mean I neglect my bf - it's all about compromise. So if I can't do something with him one weekend because it's my mum's birthday, then I'll make sure to give him my full attention the next weekend. I make sure he knows he's important to me, but I think for both of us the bottom line is, biological family comes first.
Then again I'm not from the UK originally, so maybe my view is slightly different. In my culture parents are sacred - they set you up for life (paying for uni, house deposit, babysitting your kids) and in their old age you're supposed to look after them.
OP, do you like and get along with your partner's family? Maybe if you don't, she is picking up on that and it's making her defensive.
No we do not. I don't know why we just never have, my OH says we are to alike. Her mother is very forward and has a fake niceness about her, her father and siblings don't talk to me, Its one word answers and like trying to draw blood from a stone, I do make the effort, they are shy as am I so it doesn't really work. I hate family get togethers as I am usually left in the corner by myself, Of course when I mention this its my fault. Her extended family are fine though, you could at least have a conversation with them.
Not married but surely your family includes your parents, brothers/sisters and non should come first or second but a case of taking everyone into consideration.
I have an extended family and they should also be considered, especially my grandparents!
I appreciate there are conflicting interest but it means balancing things
I don't think like that, once you set up shop with someone else and have kids that is your new family.
So why ask???
Have a nine year old girl
What a load of nonsense.
Fwiw it's always a bit of a balancing act, one that gets easier as kids get older and don't require such continual attention. The trick is getting the balance right over time.