Am I being unreasonable or too nice?

AligatorCat · 15/10/14 - 21:36

I realise that it sounds a bit of an conflicting title. But hope you will get it.

I split up with my partner 6 years ago. Wanted to end it for ages as he was very controlling. Anyway, he has a long standing issue which means that every 3 months or so, he has to come (apparently!) to london.

Last time he was up, I wasn't at all well. And he helped me out. Time before that he was a total d*ck. Basically, being a verbal bully. I said that he would not ever be able to stay under my roof again. He apologised and I forgave him. Again!!

The last 2 months have been difficult due to a family bereavement and I so cannot be bothered to deal with him.

He's already said that I need to lighten up and that my house was horrible. Suited him for 12 years before I managed to get rid of him. He is supposed to be staying till Friday, but just want to book him into a bloody travel lodge right now.

He has stormed off to the spare room (where he was always going to stay)...

Just don't think it is right that you should feel uncomfortable in your own home.

Frankie_Little · 15/10/14 - 21:39

Book him into a travelodge right now. Cheeky git. 6 years is a long time to provide adhoc board and lodging to an ex.

Charlie_the_cat · 15/10/14 - 21:39

AligatorCat wrote: »

but just want to book him into a bloody travel lodge right now.

That would be unreasonable. I suggest the local Lenny Henry at the least.

miss_astrid · 15/10/14 - 21:40

You're being way too nice. Kick this guy's ass out on the kerb and completely cut off all contact with him (unless there are kids involved, of course). You could do without his negativity in your life in my opinion. Sounds like he's taking you for granted.

Oh, and one last thing, don't YOU book him a place anywhere. Make him do it, and make him pay for it. He's not your responsibility any more!

Good luck (hope this doesn't sound harsh at all)

Frankie_Little · 15/10/14 - 21:41

Charlie_the_cat wrote: »

That would be unreasonable. I suggest the local Lenny Henry at the least.

Purple covered bed in the local shopping centre, surrounded by people on their way to the DFS sale which ends on Sunday?

FilliA · 15/10/14 - 21:42

Tell him to leave and not come back. No need for you to worry about booking him in anywhere. If he can come all the way to London by himself he can find a hotel as well.

[Deleted User] · 15/10/14 - 21:42

Sorry but I really don't understand why he is living under your roof when you are no longer in a relationship. You should tell him that this is the last time he can stay with you and has to make alternate living arrangements. You won't be able to move on while letting him come and go. Sorry to hear about your bereavement.

AligatorCat · 15/10/14 - 21:57

Thank you for your replies. It really helps. I guess I am too bloody soft. When we were together, he gradually wore me down totally.

He never got on with my mum (she saw straight through him- wish I had.) And yet he acts like I should be totally over it by now. I believe it to be typical bully behaviour. Try to kick some one when they are down.

Btw there is a premier inn up the road too. Hurrah. Or maybe he should just b*gger off back to Cornwall. Am sure there must be a village missing an idiot somewhere....

Have him then!!!

AligatorCat · 15/10/14 - 22:02

Oh and sorry. No kids involved. I thought at one point that to cut him out of my life would seem harsh. What an idiot!

Frankie_Little · 15/10/14 - 22:07

AligatorCat wrote: »

Oh and sorry. No kids involved. I thought at one point that to cut him out of my life would seem harsh. What an idiot!

You're not an idiot Ally, just soft-hearted. NO more mi casa es su casa rubbish, okay?

[Deleted User] · 15/10/14 - 22:20

AligatorCat wrote: »

Thank you for your replies. It really helps. I guess I am too bloody soft. When we were together, he gradually wore me down totally.

He never got on with my mum (she saw straight through him- wish I had.) And yet he acts like I should be totally over it by now. I believe it to be typical bully behaviour. Try to kick some one when they are down.

Btw there is a premier inn up the road too. Hurrah. Or maybe he should just b*gger off back to Cornwall. Am sure there must be a village missing an idiot somewhere....

Have him then!!!

Is he dangerous at all? If so, I would ride it out this time and then when he's a safer distance away cut him out completely then!

AligatorCat · 15/10/14 - 22:23

Thank you FL. Am a bit new to posting on the forum so thanks again for the replies.

Honestly, every time he goes back, I am reminded how much happier I am without him.

This one will be the last time he stays here. I don't need the grief or stress..

Frankie_Little · 15/10/14 - 22:28

AligatorCat wrote: »

Thank you FL. Am a bit new to posting on the forum so thanks again for the replies.

Honestly, every time he goes back, I am reminded how much happier I am without him.

This one will be the last time he stays here. I don't need the grief or stress..

Tell him that and stick to it. He's an ex for a reason. Onwards and upwards okay?

AligatorCat · 15/10/14 - 22:28

Hi. No, not dangerous. It's more wearing you down remarks and emotional rubbish.

[Deleted User] · 15/10/14 - 22:30

AligatorCat wrote: »

Hi. No, not dangerous. It's more wearing you down remarks and emotional rubbish.

I would get rid then.

I would also bookmark this page on your browser so that if you're ever tempted to let him back into your life again, you can refer to it!!!

AligatorCat · 15/10/14 - 22:34

Ok. One of classics today was "yeah, you look better than I thought you would, but you ought to grow your hair long again"... seriously, what the hell does it have to do with him?

Can't believe I put up with cr*p like that for ages..

AligatorCat · 15/10/14 - 22:55

Ok that doesn't sound like major cr*p admittedly. Just his constant putting me down gets to me. As well as being a money grabber. He only arrived this afternoon.. anyway.. next time I shall just say that it is no longer convenient. ..

Pea1 · 15/10/14 - 23:06

Why don't you just tell him it's over and he can't stay any more instead of side-stepping the issue. By telling him it's inconvenient isn't really tackling the problem. If you're sure you don't want him in your life dragging you down then tell him.

Seth1 · 15/10/14 - 23:53

Why not just put items in your spare room that would drop the hint that he's not wanted there

Sunset Dale · 16/10/14 - 07:40

AligatorCat wrote: »

Thank you for your replies. It really helps. I guess I am too bloody soft. When we were together, he gradually wore me down totally.

He never got on with my mum (she saw straight through him- wish I had.) And yet he acts like I should be totally over it by now. I believe it to be typical bully behaviour. Try to kick some one when they are down.

Btw there is a premier inn up the road too. Hurrah. Or maybe he should just b*gger off back to Cornwall. Am sure there must be a village missing an idiot somewhere....

Have him then!!!

Stop inviting him to stay and tell him to do one. He's still controlling you if you're letting him stay.

Frankie_Little · 16/10/14 - 08:07

AligatorCat wrote: »

Ok that doesn't sound like major cr*p admittedly. Just his constant putting me down gets to me. As well as being a money grabber. He only arrived this afternoon.. anyway.. next time I shall just say that it is no longer convenient. ..

It's not major crap, it's still demeaning and insulting and absolutely NOTHING to do with him. You can dye your hair purple or shave it off if you want.

Be assertive, and tell him today that this will be the last time he will be able to stay at yours. Don't apologise, don't explain, you owe him nothing. Then surround yourself with positive people who will cherish you and boost your self-esteem, and forget about this emotional vampire.

goonernatalie · 16/10/14 - 09:59

Going straight to the point.
Tell him to sling his hook

AligatorCat · 16/10/14 - 11:28

Thanks for all your replies.

He has now gone!! Came down stairs this morning, apologised and said that he was going back to Cornwall today. I think he was expecting me to disagree or dissuade him but I said that I thought that was for the best.

He also said that he felt really rough (a flaggon of beer yesterday probably didn't help)..

So off he goes.. the next time he needs to come to London, he can stay elsewhere.. I don't need the hassle!!

Loved the emotional vampire bit.. never thought of it like that before, but you are right!

[Deleted User] · 16/10/14 - 12:26

AligatorCat wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies.

He has now gone!! Came down stairs this morning, apologised and said that he was going back to Cornwall today. I think he was expecting me to disagree or dissuade him but I said that I thought that was for the best.

He also said that he felt really rough (a flaggon of beer yesterday probably didn't help)..

So off he goes.. the next time he needs to come to London, he can stay elsewhere.. I don't need the hassle!!

Loved the emotional vampire bit.. never thought of it like that before, but you are right!

Great news! No go and buy yourself some hob nobs and have a day on the sofa!!

[Deleted User] · 16/10/14 - 13:33

He'll be back...

AligatorCat · 16/10/14 - 13:40

plymgary wrote: »

Great news! No go and buy yourself some hob nobs and have a day on the sofa!!

I'm off this week on holiday, so have decided to pop out for a quick pint to celebrate. First Great Western hopefully speeding him back to Cornwall as I type.

He has already rung following his hospital appointment to say that the hospital want to see him again in January. Think I may be away..

Hey there!

Quick Links

Am I being unreasonable or too nice?

Comments