i would go further if you stay which is your decision alone tell him if he or any of his family lays a hand on you in that manner again not only will you leave but will press assault charges take control back as its the only way at the moment the 3 of them are calling the shots you deserve better
Thanks for your words, I really have to thank you all for your support, if I managed to bring this up at last it's also because I posted on here and received your input.
He said he was sorry for grabbing me like that, he helped me prepare dinner, I think I have gone off him anyway. I can't put up with this cr@p and don't want anything to do with his horrible mother. I know how this all works, they say sorry but will keep doing it, so his saying sorry doesn't mean much to me.
That woman is unbelievable. Earlier today I texted her telling her he almost pushed me down the stairs, so that she could know what she had caused.
She texted him around 7 telling him she thought he would call her or text her after all it's mother's day plus a smiley. Really, I can't even comment. She never replied to me.
I am really in disbelief seeing she doesn't care about what could have happened.
I know I shouldn't have texted her but I wanted her to feel bad, which is not the case evidently.
He just told her he has a tootache at the moment, he will speak when he feels better, that is after she texted him asking if he was blanking her or sleeping, as he didn't answer immediately.
Thanks for your words, I really have to thank you all for your support, if I managed to bring this up at last it's also because I posted on here and received your input.
He said he was sorry for grabbing me like that, he helped me prepare dinner, I think I have gone off him anyway. I can't put up with this cr@p and don't want anything to do with his horrible mother. I know how this all works, they say sorry but will keep doing it, so his saying sorry doesn't mean much to me.
That woman is unbelievable. Earlier today I texted her telling her he almost pushed me down the stairs, so that she could know what she had caused.
She texted him around 7 telling him she thought he would call her or text her after all it's mother's day plus a smiley. Really, I can't even comment. She never replied to me.
I am really in disbelief seeing she doesn't care about what could have happened.
I know I shouldn't have texted her but I wanted her to feel bad, which is not the case evidently.
He just told her he has a tootache at the moment, he will speak when he feels better, that is after she texted him asking if he was blanking her or sleeping, as he didn't answer immediately.
Listen to yourself and take all the advice you have been given on this thread. What are your reasons for wanting to stay and make it work?
LEAVE him lem. You can do it. You sound like a nice person and you will be so much happier without all that misery in your life. There will be a Mr Right out there for you.
I am gonna resort to installing on my phone an app to block texts and calls.
I was fine these last two days. I was downstairs cooking, my phone was upstairs on silent. I went back upstairs and saw I had missed calls and texts. I listened to the voicemail and it's her angrily asking me to answer the phone or call her back "because I have enough calling time" (I get 300 mins with my deal, she gets 100). She needed to ask me something. I texted back telling her to calm down because I am not glued to the phone 24/7 (well, not the politest answer I know, but she was aggressive to me in those messages she left, so what can you expect?), I was downstairs cooking and told her how she was more worried about mother's day than about what happened the other day which is bloody true, her ignoring my text and her texts to my bf are the proof. I should have bitten my tongue about this but couldn't resist and I am firmly convinced she has contacted to wind me up.
She then had the boy text me not to talk to her mother like dirt plus a "do you hear me?" and "I want to know when my brother finishes work". I didn't bother with an answer. I had to tell my bf about all this by the way because he saw me shaking with rage and asked what was wrong with me; I explained, he said to just ignore her calls and texts in the future; at first he said he knows she can get funny but then for once it seems like he considered my point of view. He was gonna text her or call her about it but I asked him to leave it, I've had enough drama. I told him she could have asked that to him, couldn't she? And that it looked like she wanted me to get upset on purpose. I should have ignored her, but I am stupid sometimes. I saw two more texts but haven't read them.
He understands now how the situation between me and her is, something got through to him in the end, he is being very loving and won't force me to put up with her presence now.
I have just read the two texts, she is saying whatever he did I brough it on myself, it had nothing to do with her and why did I decide to take out my aggressive behaviour on her. It's like she is trying to make me pass as a crazy person with anger management problems, when she lied about me cursing her and has winded me up with these calls and texts today. I know by answering I fell for her bait, won't happen again, this woman needs help.
I blocked her son's number and her number now.
I just need to hear I am not the lunatic here.
I genuinely think you need to get out of this destructive relationship. Reading the entire thread objectively highlights that there are no real solutions to your problem. Getting him to calm down and be a bit more understanding to you and blocking numbers are like taking painkillers while having a gum infection. It may feel good for a little bit, but all you're doing is giving yourself a bit of temporary pain relief while the problem rages on.
If you leave him now you can leave with your head held high. The more likely alternative is you will stay with him while the mother drives the wedge in deeper and deeper untill you either leave after spending several more miserable months or years together, or he kicks you out.
Basically he has chosen and will continue to choose his mother over you and she has decided that you have to go.
I'd cut your losses and chalk it up to experience that you should find someone whose family does not have such a hold over them.
If your in the mood for a read here is a decent article about the problems of Partner/Mother power dynamics by a guy who's made some mistakes in the past about the issue himself.
Lem Ramsay - Even if your partner's mum agreed to only visit you for a few days, that agreement would be meaningless because nothing would be done if she outstayed her welcome.
Your partner has basically decided that despite everything she has done to him and to you, his mum should be allowed to live with him. He refuses to protect you from her, so as long as you are with him, how many problems his mum decides to cause you is entirely up to her.
You know the consequences of staying with him, and you know that he wants his mum in his life. You therefore have to either end the relationship, or accept the consequences of not ending it. Theoretically there are other options, but realistically there are only those two.
Now he will go and see her, she's not coming here, not even for a few days.
Yes, he will still talk to her but my priority is being left alone and not having to deal with her and I got that; I think there has been a substantial improvement in his attitude towards the whole matter, he's been constantly asking me if I am ok and he agreed his mother was the one with the problem today. I told him clearly I don't like her and he heard it.
She made a scene just to know something she should have asked my bf and not me and she wanted me to be aggressive so she could shift all the blame on me. She can't order me to call her back when I have no desire to talk to her. I find it outrageous that she went and involved the boy, that's not being a good mother for sure.
Now he will go and see her, she's not coming here, not even for a few days.
Yes, he will still talk to her but my priority is being left alone and not having to deal with her and I got that; I think there has been a substantial improvement in his attitude towards the whole matter, he's been constantly asking me if I am ok and he agreed his mother was the one with the problem today. I told him clearly I don't like her and he heard it.
She made a scene just to know something she should have asked my bf and not me and she wanted me to be aggressive so she could shift all the blame on me. She can't order me to call her back when I have no desire to talk to her. I find it outrageous that she went and involved the boy, that's not being a good mother for sure.
He is just dangling the carrot to reel you back in again. Don't fall for it Lem. Just pack your things up and go. Stop wasting time.
Yes, I guess I am a fool, I think my codependency is what's still keeping me here, I can't seem to bring myself to do what I know would be right.
Well, a few days ago we were on the train and he said he is not a violent man, he saw I kind of thought he is a bit and he then said what happened during that fight wasn't his fault.
I didn't say anything but thought he meant then that I asked for it, I made him angry so basically it's my fault for bringing him to that point. Yeah right, it wasn't my fault at all, violence is never justified so my resentment started to grow a bit more.
The same day his mum texts him and asks him if he still wants them to come for Easter. Really I have no words. Anyway he texted her back saying he doesn't think he can have them here as money is tight this month with the bills to pay. She said ok, he could go and see her then. No reply from him. He didn't tell her that as an excuse to keep her away from me but because genuinely he can't afford to support them for two weeks, he was gonna say yes otherwise.
Then yesterday she texts him saying if they can come for the weekend and she will explain when he calls her, he said he would call her later but I think he never got round to doing it. When he told me he was gonna say yes as he has some time off I started sulking and he asked me about twice angrily what was my problem and I said nothing; there is no point arguing again as I am just talking to a wall.
He has the hump now. I don't know how she can think of coming here and face me after what happened, she has no shame whatsoever, she can't even let it go for this time, no, I bet she is doing it out of spite. I am dying to know what her explanation for coming at the weekend is.
They are doing their best to give a nervous breakdown. I wanna know how I can gather the strength to leave for good, maybe I need psychological support but I can't afford to pay for it.
I ma not even hoping he eventually tells her not to come.
So I was deluded, I thought he had finally decided to take my feelings into consideration for once. I don't think I can face another bad fight, I am mentally tired.
Don't bash me too much, I feel pathetic already.
Get a case, pack your it and get out. Just the very fact he said that becoming violent in his actions the other day was not his fault says to me he's getting you ready to accept it's your fault next time it happens. And it will. He doesn't give a toss about what you want. And I can see it ending with you either at the bottom of the stairs badly injured or worse.
Lem be honest here, is a tiny part of you staying with him because if you leave him then his mother has won? If so i can completely understand that.
If he has become violent and you are feeling overwhelmed and struggling maybe it is time to call it a day. Leave with your dignity and look for a fresh start. Who knows, in ten years time you might be settled with a partner who loves you to bits while he will probably be financially supporting his mother. I really cant see him changing so its up to you to decide if you can cope living with him any longer as things currently are. The mother is never going to go away and it seems there will never be a compromise either,
Hi again, Lem. I'm so sorry things didn't pick up for the better, I really am.
His mum's coming from the angle that her son defended her last time (and other times) and so therefore she's in a stronger position than you. He won't stand up under the pressure of "Can we stay for 2 weeks?" ... "okay maybe just a few days?" ... "okay just 2 days?" and so on from her. And the more she thinks she's got the upper hand, the more she'll push.
It's bloody toxic, to be quite honest. If he won't put you first and admit his own faults, as he's now proving he can't, then I can't see how you're going to get out of a future as a bashed-up doormat. RandomSally's totally right - the transference of blame for that sort of behaviour is very common.
Like with anything else, though, it's you who's got to see the reality, and hopefully for friends (or posters) to support you. You sound like a strong person who's in love and has expectations of your loved one, and there's nothing wrong with that, but don't get yourself hurt.
Thanks to everyone. He doesn't see it as violent behaviour I think, because he technically hasn't given me a beating. He gets so childish when he is angry, he can throw things across the room, smash stuff and can have an intimidating behaviour and I have to be honest here, he has done something like that with his mother as well.
I think once again it's her fault, because she let him get away with this kind of behaviour too many times and he now thinks he can say sorry and then everything's ok. She complained to me lots of times of the verbal abuse and so on, but she just puts up with it, she doesn't tell him anything; he's like a king for her, she tries to please him as much as she can.
I think they don't have a healthy mother/son relationship anyway.
I know I said a few days would be ok as a visit but not so soon, I needed some time to recover from all the stress. She does sound more clingy than ever in her texts always begging him to call her and texting him to ask why he hasn't called her yet. She is looking for reassurance he is not keeping her away I believe or wants to show me her power over him.
I wouldn't think it's my fault if it happened again, I am well-aware of that mechanism, I was gonna tell him but didn't wanna get into an argument again as I am already stressed enough so I left it.
How should I act if he gets to tell her it's ok for her to come?I mean when they are here. I know I am expected to act as if nothing happened and I don't want to, I don't want her to think I forgot about everything. I can imagine her coming and being all nice so if I don't act nice as well I get to be seen as the bad person.
I haven't heard from her since her texts, she hasn't asked him how I am, she hasn't asked if it's ok for me if she comes, no. She thinks since he pays the rent, I can't say anything, so what I think is irrelevant.
I know I have to get away but for now I have to face her coming here at the weekend (I don't believe he will tell her no in the end), so I would like advice regarding how should I act.
I am so angry with both. Thanks again.
Lem, been reading this thread with interest. If you don't get out of this toxic relationship, it is going to get even worst. Your boyfriend is pushing the boundaries and just one more push from his mother could push him over the edge. PLEASE go back to your loving family for them to take care of you and treat you the way you should be treated and not the imposter your boyfriend and his family are treating you.
Thanks to everyone. He doesn't see it as violent behaviour I think, because he technically hasn't given me a beating. He gets so childish when he is angry, he can throw things across the room, smash stuff and can have an intimidating behaviour and I have to be honest here, he has done something like that with his mother as well.
I think once again it's her fault, because she let him get away with this kind of behaviour too many times and he now thinks he can say sorry and then everything's ok. She complained to me lots of times of the verbal abuse and so on, but she just puts up with it, she doesn't tell him anything; he's like a king for her, she tries to please him as much as she can.
I think they don't have a healthy mother/son relationship anyway.
I know I said a few days would be ok as a visit but not so soon, I needed some time to recover from all the stress. She does sound more clingy than ever in her texts always begging him to call her and texting him to ask why he hasn't called her yet. She is looking for reassurance he is not keeping her away I believe or wants to show me her power over him.
I wouldn't think it's my fault if it happened again, I am well-aware of that mechanism, I was gonna tell him but didn't wanna get into an argument again as I am already stressed enough so I left it.
How should I act if he gets to tell her it's ok for her to come?I mean when they are here. I know I am expected to act as if nothing happened and I don't want to, I don't want her to think I forgot about everything. I can imagine her coming and being all nice so if I don't act nice as well I get to be seen as the bad person.
I haven't heard from her since her texts, she hasn't asked him how I am, she hasn't asked if it's ok for me if she comes, no. She thinks since he pays the rent, I can't say anything, so what I think is irrelevant. I know I have to get away but for now I have to face her coming here at the weekend (I don't believe he will tell her no in the end), so I would like advice regarding how should I act.
I am so angry with both. Thanks again.
If you are in fact intending to leave him at some point soon (hopefully) but not before the visit, then I'd personally tell him "Okay, but you do know that if she comes to stay, I will definitely leave you" - calmly and rationally. Leave the room after. Then if she comes, grit your teeth, be nice, then when she's gone, get your things together and leave. Ultimatum time.
Edit: sorry, meant to add that you know then exactly where you are in his priorities, and you do deserve better.
I think once again it's her fault, because she let him get away with this kind of behaviour too many times and he now thinks he can say sorry and then everything's ok. She complained to me lots of times of the verbal abuse and so on, but she just puts up with it, she doesn't tell him anything; he's like a king for her, she tries to please him as much as she can.
[snip]
I wouldn't think it's my fault if it happened again, I am well-aware of that mechanism, I was gonna tell him but didn't wanna get into an argument again as I am already stressed enough so I left it.
[snip]
Really, really sorry for double posting but what these bits tell me is that you're continuing his mother's behaviour to some extent, and I honestly don't blame you for that. It's very VERY hard to stand up to an aggressive man (I know that for a fact, with my own son) and much easier to walk on eggshells to avoid confrontation. You've been avoiding conversations that might start arguments with him, for fear of setting him off. She didn't teach him to be that way, not really - it sounds like she walked on eggshells rather than put herself in the firing line for a thump if she stood her ground. He is the one who's being aggressive, and she couldn't stand up to it. I've known people who've had terrible upbringings and never resorted to that behaviour, and people with perfectly fine upbringings who have.
His behaviour needs addressing, big time. Maybe he did learn from his mother that "sorry" excuses the aggression, but now he has to learn differently. I know you've been trying, I do know that.
Lem, I'm so sorry about my reaction to all this. There are a few "issues" that push my buttons, and this is one. I need to go and do some breathing exercises. *hugs*
Lem why not follow the above advice that if the mother overstays again you will leave. You could maybe go back to your parents for a while. It would give you the chance to look at your relationship objectively. Its very hard to see how bad things are when you live there. Maybe reflecting on it from a distance will give you the chance to see if you really are happy there or not.
Sorry Milian if I reminded you of bad things!
Thanks to all of you once again for the advice.
He gets aggressive with her because he has resentment towards her, there are some things I didn't mention in my previous postings as I didn't wanna write long long posts.
He basically brought up the boy as he keeps reminding me, she was depressed, he said she wanted to get rid of the baby, I think he meant not by means of an abortion but after he was born. He keeps telling me he missed out on his youth to take care of both of them (she wasn't mentally stable). A few years before the pregnancy she was put into a mental hospital and you can imagine the impact of this on my bf and his sister who were then only teenagers. They both failed their exams and this is a sore point for my bf, he is very bitter about it.
His mum is the type of woman that can't cope with stress and I can see this trait in my bf as well. Btw, she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which she denies having. She can't go out by herself, she calls it agoraphobia, but reading about it her problem sounds different. She is not willing to do anything about her psychological issues and that is also why she lost the house, failed to sort out that debt in my bf's name and other stuff.
I listened to her talking to me about all her issues in the past but she just thinks the others are the problem, she also thinks everybody out there is plotting against her, she really is paranoid .
I think she is only trouble to those near her unless she sorts herself out, which she won't ever do; I think she has ruined her children life enough and should do something to really prove the love she says she has for them.
He keeps telling me this thing, that he had to look after them so gave up the best years of his life. When they had arguments, he told her things like he hates her guts, very bad insults, so he is full of anger because of her. I don't understand how he can get so angry at her but at the same time be so emotionally tied to her. There is something wrong about that.
If I am sad he gets annoyed because he feels like he has to cheer me up and he already did that with his mum when she was depressed so I pay for their past it seems.
It's a complicated matter, I know.
Lem, until she takes her meds, her condition will get worse and she will become totally unmanageable. Your BF might feel some responsibility, but you do not.
From reading some of your comments it would appear that you are beginning to 'see the light'. If she is coming for Easter, why don't you go to your family? You have a perfect excuse-when was the last time you spent any time with them? You need time and distance to get any form of perspective.
Think on-if you don't sort this out, you will be in the same situation for years. Is that what you want?
Aw Lem, you don't need to apologise, not one bit. If you read these forums back a bit, you'll see many threads about abusive/controlling/etc partners, and I've experienced it, seen friends and family go through it, etc so it wasn't you. You're very thoughtful, though.
I do empathise with your boyfriend more now, and here's why:
My youngest son failed uni because of the horror his older brother put us through over the past few years, due to mental illness. He felt he had to stay home to protect me from physical violence from him and couldn't go into uni, then fell too far behind. I got my middle son sectioned (committed to a psych ward and forced to take meds) about 7 times, and finally he's come through I think. However, my youngest won't have a damn thing to do with his brother. He won't look at him, speak to him, doesn't want to hear about him, you name it. He failed because of his brother, and that's it as far as he's concerned. He knows it's illness but can't cope with the effects of it, and just knows it's only a matter of time before it happens all over again. My youngest has a good job now, but feels he could have done a hell of lot better.
So, your boyfriend is in the same place as my youngest, really. Would he see that his mum needs psych help, do you think? What a totally sad situation for you all.
Comments
He said he was sorry for grabbing me like that, he helped me prepare dinner, I think I have gone off him anyway. I can't put up with this cr@p and don't want anything to do with his horrible mother. I know how this all works, they say sorry but will keep doing it, so his saying sorry doesn't mean much to me.
That woman is unbelievable. Earlier today I texted her telling her he almost pushed me down the stairs, so that she could know what she had caused.
She texted him around 7 telling him she thought he would call her or text her after all it's mother's day plus a smiley. Really, I can't even comment. She never replied to me.
I am really in disbelief seeing she doesn't care about what could have happened.
I know I shouldn't have texted her but I wanted her to feel bad, which is not the case evidently.
He just told her he has a tootache at the moment, he will speak when he feels better, that is after she texted him asking if he was blanking her or sleeping, as he didn't answer immediately.
Listen to yourself and take all the advice you have been given on this thread. What are your reasons for wanting to stay and make it work?
LEAVE him lem. You can do it. You sound like a nice person and you will be so much happier without all that misery in your life. There will be a Mr Right out there for you.
I was fine these last two days. I was downstairs cooking, my phone was upstairs on silent. I went back upstairs and saw I had missed calls and texts. I listened to the voicemail and it's her angrily asking me to answer the phone or call her back "because I have enough calling time" (I get 300 mins with my deal, she gets 100). She needed to ask me something. I texted back telling her to calm down because I am not glued to the phone 24/7 (well, not the politest answer I know, but she was aggressive to me in those messages she left, so what can you expect?), I was downstairs cooking and told her how she was more worried about mother's day than about what happened the other day which is bloody true, her ignoring my text and her texts to my bf are the proof. I should have bitten my tongue about this but couldn't resist and I am firmly convinced she has contacted to wind me up.
She then had the boy text me not to talk to her mother like dirt plus a "do you hear me?" and "I want to know when my brother finishes work". I didn't bother with an answer. I had to tell my bf about all this by the way because he saw me shaking with rage and asked what was wrong with me; I explained, he said to just ignore her calls and texts in the future; at first he said he knows she can get funny but then for once it seems like he considered my point of view. He was gonna text her or call her about it but I asked him to leave it, I've had enough drama. I told him she could have asked that to him, couldn't she? And that it looked like she wanted me to get upset on purpose. I should have ignored her, but I am stupid sometimes. I saw two more texts but haven't read them.
He understands now how the situation between me and her is, something got through to him in the end, he is being very loving and won't force me to put up with her presence now.
I have just read the two texts, she is saying whatever he did I brough it on myself, it had nothing to do with her and why did I decide to take out my aggressive behaviour on her. It's like she is trying to make me pass as a crazy person with anger management problems, when she lied about me cursing her and has winded me up with these calls and texts today. I know by answering I fell for her bait, won't happen again, this woman needs help.
I blocked her son's number and her number now.
I just need to hear I am not the lunatic here.
He needs to stick to this and like you have already done, you need to block her until she is ready to apologise.
If you leave him now you can leave with your head held high. The more likely alternative is you will stay with him while the mother drives the wedge in deeper and deeper untill you either leave after spending several more miserable months or years together, or he kicks you out.
Basically he has chosen and will continue to choose his mother over you and she has decided that you have to go.
I'd cut your losses and chalk it up to experience that you should find someone whose family does not have such a hold over them.
If your in the mood for a read here is a decent article about the problems of Partner/Mother power dynamics by a guy who's made some mistakes in the past about the issue himself.
http://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/are-women-hardwired-to-compete-with-their-mothers-in-law/
Your partner has basically decided that despite everything she has done to him and to you, his mum should be allowed to live with him. He refuses to protect you from her, so as long as you are with him, how many problems his mum decides to cause you is entirely up to her.
You know the consequences of staying with him, and you know that he wants his mum in his life. You therefore have to either end the relationship, or accept the consequences of not ending it. Theoretically there are other options, but realistically there are only those two.
Yes, he will still talk to her but my priority is being left alone and not having to deal with her and I got that; I think there has been a substantial improvement in his attitude towards the whole matter, he's been constantly asking me if I am ok and he agreed his mother was the one with the problem today. I told him clearly I don't like her and he heard it.
She made a scene just to know something she should have asked my bf and not me and she wanted me to be aggressive so she could shift all the blame on me. She can't order me to call her back when I have no desire to talk to her. I find it outrageous that she went and involved the boy, that's not being a good mother for sure.
He is just dangling the carrot to reel you back in again. Don't fall for it Lem. Just pack your things up and go. Stop wasting time.
it`s classic wife beater capers.
if you don`t get out op, then you`re a fool.
Well, a few days ago we were on the train and he said he is not a violent man, he saw I kind of thought he is a bit and he then said what happened during that fight wasn't his fault.
I didn't say anything but thought he meant then that I asked for it, I made him angry so basically it's my fault for bringing him to that point. Yeah right, it wasn't my fault at all, violence is never justified so my resentment started to grow a bit more.
The same day his mum texts him and asks him if he still wants them to come for Easter. Really I have no words. Anyway he texted her back saying he doesn't think he can have them here as money is tight this month with the bills to pay. She said ok, he could go and see her then. No reply from him. He didn't tell her that as an excuse to keep her away from me but because genuinely he can't afford to support them for two weeks, he was gonna say yes otherwise.
Then yesterday she texts him saying if they can come for the weekend and she will explain when he calls her, he said he would call her later but I think he never got round to doing it. When he told me he was gonna say yes as he has some time off I started sulking and he asked me about twice angrily what was my problem and I said nothing; there is no point arguing again as I am just talking to a wall.
He has the hump now. I don't know how she can think of coming here and face me after what happened, she has no shame whatsoever, she can't even let it go for this time, no, I bet she is doing it out of spite. I am dying to know what her explanation for coming at the weekend is.
They are doing their best to give a nervous breakdown. I wanna know how I can gather the strength to leave for good, maybe I need psychological support but I can't afford to pay for it.
I ma not even hoping he eventually tells her not to come.
So I was deluded, I thought he had finally decided to take my feelings into consideration for once. I don't think I can face another bad fight, I am mentally tired.
Don't bash me too much, I feel pathetic already.
If he has become violent and you are feeling overwhelmed and struggling maybe it is time to call it a day. Leave with your dignity and look for a fresh start. Who knows, in ten years time you might be settled with a partner who loves you to bits while he will probably be financially supporting his mother. I really cant see him changing so its up to you to decide if you can cope living with him any longer as things currently are. The mother is never going to go away and it seems there will never be a compromise either,
His mum's coming from the angle that her son defended her last time (and other times) and so therefore she's in a stronger position than you. He won't stand up under the pressure of "Can we stay for 2 weeks?" ... "okay maybe just a few days?" ... "okay just 2 days?" and so on from her. And the more she thinks she's got the upper hand, the more she'll push.
It's bloody toxic, to be quite honest. If he won't put you first and admit his own faults, as he's now proving he can't, then I can't see how you're going to get out of a future as a bashed-up doormat. RandomSally's totally right - the transference of blame for that sort of behaviour is very common.
Like with anything else, though, it's you who's got to see the reality, and hopefully for friends (or posters) to support you. You sound like a strong person who's in love and has expectations of your loved one, and there's nothing wrong with that, but don't get yourself hurt.
I think once again it's her fault, because she let him get away with this kind of behaviour too many times and he now thinks he can say sorry and then everything's ok. She complained to me lots of times of the verbal abuse and so on, but she just puts up with it, she doesn't tell him anything; he's like a king for her, she tries to please him as much as she can.
I think they don't have a healthy mother/son relationship anyway.
I know I said a few days would be ok as a visit but not so soon, I needed some time to recover from all the stress. She does sound more clingy than ever in her texts always begging him to call her and texting him to ask why he hasn't called her yet. She is looking for reassurance he is not keeping her away I believe or wants to show me her power over him.
I wouldn't think it's my fault if it happened again, I am well-aware of that mechanism, I was gonna tell him but didn't wanna get into an argument again as I am already stressed enough so I left it.
How should I act if he gets to tell her it's ok for her to come?I mean when they are here. I know I am expected to act as if nothing happened and I don't want to, I don't want her to think I forgot about everything. I can imagine her coming and being all nice so if I don't act nice as well I get to be seen as the bad person.
I haven't heard from her since her texts, she hasn't asked him how I am, she hasn't asked if it's ok for me if she comes, no. She thinks since he pays the rent, I can't say anything, so what I think is irrelevant.
I know I have to get away but for now I have to face her coming here at the weekend (I don't believe he will tell her no in the end), so I would like advice regarding how should I act.
I am so angry with both. Thanks again.
If you are in fact intending to leave him at some point soon (hopefully) but not before the visit, then I'd personally tell him "Okay, but you do know that if she comes to stay, I will definitely leave you" - calmly and rationally. Leave the room after. Then if she comes, grit your teeth, be nice, then when she's gone, get your things together and leave. Ultimatum time.
Edit: sorry, meant to add that you know then exactly where you are in his priorities, and you do deserve better.
Really, really sorry for double posting but what these bits tell me is that you're continuing his mother's behaviour to some extent, and I honestly don't blame you for that. It's very VERY hard to stand up to an aggressive man (I know that for a fact, with my own son) and much easier to walk on eggshells to avoid confrontation. You've been avoiding conversations that might start arguments with him, for fear of setting him off. She didn't teach him to be that way, not really - it sounds like she walked on eggshells rather than put herself in the firing line for a thump if she stood her ground. He is the one who's being aggressive, and she couldn't stand up to it. I've known people who've had terrible upbringings and never resorted to that behaviour, and people with perfectly fine upbringings who have.
His behaviour needs addressing, big time. Maybe he did learn from his mother that "sorry" excuses the aggression, but now he has to learn differently. I know you've been trying, I do know that.
Lem, I'm so sorry about my reaction to all this. There are a few "issues" that push my buttons, and this is one. I need to go and do some breathing exercises.
Thanks to all of you once again for the advice.
He gets aggressive with her because he has resentment towards her, there are some things I didn't mention in my previous postings as I didn't wanna write long long posts.
He basically brought up the boy as he keeps reminding me, she was depressed, he said she wanted to get rid of the baby, I think he meant not by means of an abortion but after he was born. He keeps telling me he missed out on his youth to take care of both of them (she wasn't mentally stable). A few years before the pregnancy she was put into a mental hospital and you can imagine the impact of this on my bf and his sister who were then only teenagers. They both failed their exams and this is a sore point for my bf, he is very bitter about it.
His mum is the type of woman that can't cope with stress and I can see this trait in my bf as well. Btw, she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which she denies having. She can't go out by herself, she calls it agoraphobia, but reading about it her problem sounds different. She is not willing to do anything about her psychological issues and that is also why she lost the house, failed to sort out that debt in my bf's name and other stuff.
I listened to her talking to me about all her issues in the past but she just thinks the others are the problem, she also thinks everybody out there is plotting against her, she really is paranoid .
I think she is only trouble to those near her unless she sorts herself out, which she won't ever do; I think she has ruined her children life enough and should do something to really prove the love she says she has for them.
He keeps telling me this thing, that he had to look after them so gave up the best years of his life. When they had arguments, he told her things like he hates her guts, very bad insults, so he is full of anger because of her. I don't understand how he can get so angry at her but at the same time be so emotionally tied to her. There is something wrong about that.
If I am sad he gets annoyed because he feels like he has to cheer me up and he already did that with his mum when she was depressed so I pay for their past it seems.
It's a complicated matter, I know.
From reading some of your comments it would appear that you are beginning to 'see the light'. If she is coming for Easter, why don't you go to your family? You have a perfect excuse-when was the last time you spent any time with them? You need time and distance to get any form of perspective.
Think on-if you don't sort this out, you will be in the same situation for years. Is that what you want?
I do empathise with your boyfriend more now, and here's why:
My youngest son failed uni because of the horror his older brother put us through over the past few years, due to mental illness. He felt he had to stay home to protect me from physical violence from him and couldn't go into uni, then fell too far behind. I got my middle son sectioned (committed to a psych ward and forced to take meds) about 7 times, and finally he's come through I think. However, my youngest won't have a damn thing to do with his brother. He won't look at him, speak to him, doesn't want to hear about him, you name it. He failed because of his brother, and that's it as far as he's concerned. He knows it's illness but can't cope with the effects of it, and just knows it's only a matter of time before it happens all over again. My youngest has a good job now, but feels he could have done a hell of lot better.
So, your boyfriend is in the same place as my youngest, really. Would he see that his mum needs psych help, do you think? What a totally sad situation for you all.