SCD Insiders revealed today that Anthony Doobree has choreographed the "perfect routine" in a last ditch attempt to win judge's votes and highlight his partner Karen Galloway's developing dance skills. Mr Doobree told our source that for this week's dance, the rat-run, he has glued Karen's shoes to the tops of his own. "Let Craig Reveal Horror say she puts a foot wrong this week - I double-dog-dare him!!" challenged Doobree.
Ms Galloway, sister of MP George, laughed hysterically as she said, "the others are all melting in a pool of exhausted sweat practising while I drink wine and have my nails done! All I have to do is make sure Anthony buys Sooperdooper glue and we're a shoe-in for the mirror ball trophy! I'm wearing blue on Saturday to attract the Chelsea voters."
The truth behind the choice of blue was revealed when our source in the wardrobe department told us that the original design of a brown gown had to be shelved after backstage wags began tying yellow ribbons around Ms Galloway, saying they had mistaken her for an old oak tree.
People this is just not good. I am supposed to be using my lunch hours for studying for my accountancy exams in 3 weeks, and my boss knows that strategic management does not make you spit your drink all over the keyboard and screen, I nearly got away with it when the tears started rolling down my cheeks as she thought that I was finding it all too hard to take in.
Keep up the good work, I can't think of any scoops for today, sorry
In an exclusive interview with our reporter, Ms U. Seless, we can reveal that Bruno Tonicolletti, one of the judges on the BBC's flagship show 'Strictly Come Dancing' has checked into 'The Priory' over an addiction that he has kept secret for years.
In between tears, Bruno, 87, revealed that he has been addicted to the movie 'Ten' starring Dudley Moore and Bo Derek since it's release in 1979.
Wiping his eyes as he spoke, Bruno confessed how his addiction had got so bad, that it had finally made him unable to work, so much so, that right after Saturdays show, he begged to be taken into rehab when he realised he could not go on.
'I couldn't help it,' he wept. 'From the minute I saw that film, from the second I saw Bo Derek's corn rows, I was hooked. I even got myself the same hairstyle as her. And Dudley was my hero from that moment on. I loved that guy.'
Trying hard not to break down in sobs he continued...'I really tried to keep in under control. At first I went to see it at the cinema, only 2 or 3 times a day. But when it went off I had to wait months for it to be available on video, and ended up buying a copy on the black market for £472. I couldn't help myself, I loved that film so much. It started to infiltrate every aspect of my life. I would walk and talk like Dudley Moore, walk along beaches in a bathing suit with my hair in plaits trying to be Bo Derek. It got so bad, that I even started to try and become Julie Andrews at one point, as she was also in the film. I started wearing a nuns habit and singing climb every mountain whenever I walked up my stairs. I even had a spoonful of sugar everyday.'
Bruno fought all this secretly for a long time, but realised he was fighting a losing battle when, a year ago, he actually changed his name to Jenny Hanley, the character Bo Derek played in the film. But he told no one.
'After that, it just got worse and worse' he said weeping. 'I now had the film on 15 DVD's, from all parts of the world....I would watch it everyday at least 10 times....in every language. I just couldn't get enough. I'd stay up all night watching it and crying and laughing. I was a wreck through having no sleep.'
But things came to a head on the BBC show last weekend.
'I couldn't help myself' he said visibly shaking. 'I knew I shouldn't give anyone a score of '10' that early in the competition. I managed to keep my hand away from the score paddle through the first few dances....even when Kate and Anton were dancing, I nearly touched it...but Len seemed to realise I was in distress, and kept me focused. But the minute I watched Brendan Cole and Kelly Brook dance, well Kelly reminded me so much of Dudley Moore, I couldn't help myself. I picked up the paddle and gave them the '10'...the perfect '10', as perfect as the film was in every way.'
At this point in the interview, Bruno broke down completely and had to be sectioned in his room overnight for his own safety, as he had begun to threaten to plait some of the other patients hair as he wept and sobbed.
But at least straight after the show he realised that at last after all these years, he needed help and checked himself into 'The Priory' straight away.
This paper can only say 'get well soon' Bruno, you will always be a perfect '10' to us.
Read the full interview in tomorrows paper, which also contains a free copy of the movie '10.' (Not being delivered to 'The Priory' obviously.)
I'm not really Italian!
After the furore over his scoring on Saturday night, a distraught Bruno Ravioli decided to reveal the truth- he isn't even Italian!
"All my life, I was obsessed with Italy, and so I started pretending I actually came from there," he tearfully admitted. "My real name is Ben Thompson."
When questioned on his tendency to give overly high scores on the show, Bruno seemed confused. "The producers told me we were marking out of twenty. I've always considered myself to be harsh as no one has ever seemed worthy of more than ten- and besides, I can't find my second box of paddles. I think that Craig Rebel-Hawthorn must have stolen them- we all know how generous he is with his scores."
I'm not really Italian!
After the furore over his scoring on Saturday night, a distraught Bruno Ravioli decided to reveal the truth- he isn't even Italian!
"All my life, I was obsessed with Italy, and so I started pretending I actually came from there," he tearfully admitted. "My real name is Ben Thompson."
When questioned on his tendency to give overly high scores on the show, Bruno seemed confused. "The producers told me we were marking out of twenty. I've always considered myself to be harsh as no one has ever seemed worthy of more than ten- and besides, I can't find my second box of paddles. I think that Craig Rebel-Hawthorn must have stolen them- we all know how generous he is with his scores."
We can ECLUSIVELY reveal the SHOCKING news that the much-loved judges of STRICTININE COME PRANCING are enjoying SECRET TRYSTS in LOS ANGELES.
The two judges rush out of the studio every saturday noght and then catch a plane to LOS ANGELES, which we believe is near Weston-Super-Mare. Once there they hole up in a 5 star hotel, blatently using the facilites, going out in public together and making no attempt to hide their PERVERTED but oerfectly acceptable in some circles, lifestyle.
We painstakingly tracked the pair, by turning on UKTVGOLD. Some of our readers will be SHOCKED to know that Dem was even still wearing the same suit when he appeared on a GAY tv show - although there is nothing really wrong with that. Luno is well known for his love of sequins, and he SHOCKED THE NATION this week when he stated that he "Needed a bit of campness" whilst looking lovingly at Ben. The two had had a minor LOVERS TIFF earlier in the show, but their godson, Brice Foreskin (178) had smoothed the row over.
Marleeeeeeene (21), their fellow judge will be MOST SHOCKED, as she has been linked to Brillo for the past 200 years. The two are known to have shared a lot of HOT GOSSIP in their time!
When confronted with our dossier of evidence, MAvis the Cleaner stated "Bugger off, I gor work ta do" proving an elaborate coverup is in prgress.
The Daily Wail can exclusively reveal the secret heartache of SCD "bad boy" Brandon Colt. Viewers have become used to seeing Bradons antics on screen - shouting at his partners, illegal lifts and throwing tantrums.
However, we can reveal that Bredom is kept in a cage by SCD head judge ben goodmen and starved until he agrees to perform. A tearful Brandon told our reporter "I see myself on screen and I just want to weep. People think I'm this arrogant attention seeking show off and I'm not - I just wnat to dance and in my spare time help old ladies across the road but Ken won't let me. He says if I don't perform he'll send videos of me dancing to my parents in Auckland, Australia. It would kill them - they're both sheep shearers and their friends would never let them live it down if they knew I danced. Its terrible - I feel so used"
However, head judge Den denied Brendons story saying "we have to keep him in a cage during the show in case he pounces on the female contestants. Its for everyone's safety including Braydons. We don't want a repeat of the stilleto/jock strap interface of last season"
Readers we say "free the SCD 1". sign our petition on line at www.freescd2.org.uk
After their rule-breaking earlier in the competition, you would think celebrity Kerry Booke and professional partner Brandon Carl would know better by now? Right? Wrong! Tonight’s competition proved rules mean 0/10 for deviant duo.
For tonight’s show, contestants had to learn either the Waltz or the Argentine Tango. First on the dance floor were John Binns and his partner Nicola Costcutler. Their wonderful Waltz left head judge Glen Goodlady lost for words. Marlene Flippits was similarly speechless after Blue Peter’s Gavin Jones’ Argentine Tango, that he had prepared earlier in the week.
Third on the dance floor were Kerry Booke and Brandon Carl. Despite presenter Brice Fortune introducing their dance as a Waltz, their fancy footwork seemed to be neither of the evening‘s dances.
“Brandon, its happening again, you can’t change the rules just to suit you” Craig Rebel-Hostile remarked as the duo stood in front of the fearsome foursome. When questioned about their choice of choreography, professional dancer Carl stated that he knew what the dances were meant to be this week, but Kerry had a lot more flair for the Hokey-Cokey. Marlene Flippits couldn’t comment, as she had spent the majority of the dance with her eyes glued to Brandon’s hips as he ‘shook it all about’.
Glen Goodlady had nothing more to say, apart from “Brandon, you teacake”
As the couple joined Brice’s fellow presenter Jess Monthly backstage, the judges revealed their scores. “I’m really pleased with how I did,” gushed Kerry “I really feel that this is my dance”
The first three judges’ scores were as follows: Craig Rebel-Hostile - 8, Marlene Flippits - 8, Glen Goodlady - 7 “You know Kerry, if it was under different circumstances, I would have given you a 9 or 10, but rules are rules I’m afraid.” Justified Goodlady
Last to reveal his score was Bruno Tagliatelle. “I couldn’t help myself. It was fantastic! TEN!”
Needless to say, both Kerry and Brandon were thrilled with their score. The rest of the contestants, however were not, especially Kate Farfaraway. “I’m brilliant at the Hokey-Cokey, we could have done that.”
Rumour has it, Kate’s partner Anton Du Vet is planning on teaching Kate the YMCA for next week’s show.
The Daily Make It Up can exclusively reveal that Bruce Forshort 92 has been replaced by a mechanical likeness. An inside source exclusively revealed that not only had he been replaced but the robot has been on SCD since 2005.
"Yeh, the BBC decided the real thing was too expensive and got some cheap old rubbish from Russia. It's the same model as they used for Yeltsin, just with Brucie's waxwork head on top. Trouble is the battery only lasts 5 minutes and then he starts stuttering and talking jibberish, we have to get Tess to come and plug him in at the back. And he's so bloody heavy to wheel around we sometimes miss his link to the next dance. It's only got enough memory for 5 jokes and we have to use 'you're my favourite' over and over to save power for his tap dance at the top of the show."
We asked for an exclusive comment from Craig Rebel Hostile to which he replied "It's a dance disaster, a travesty, sack of potatoes, battery low, battery low."
The Daily Make It Up can exclusively reveal that Bruce Forshort 92 has been replaced by a mechanical likeness. An inside source exclusively revealed that not only had he been replaced but the robot has been on SCD since 2005.
"Yeh, the BBC decided the real thing was too expensive and got some cheap old rubbish from Russia. It's the same model as they used for Yeltsin, just with Brucie's waxwork head on top. Trouble is the battery only lasts 5 minutes and then he starts stuttering and talking jibberish, we have to get Tess to come and plug him in at the back. And he's so bloody heavy to wheel around we sometimes miss his link to the next dance. It's only got enough memory for 5 jokes and we have to use 'you're my favourite' over and over to save power for his tap dance at the top of the show."
We asked for an exclusive comment from Craig Rebel Hostile to which he replied "It's a dance disaster, a travesty, sack of potatoes, battery low, battery low."
There have been plenty of great entries on this thread but this was utterly hilarious- I love it!
Lord Lucan Discovered Presenting Strictly Come Dancing.
The truth about TV legend Bruce Forsyth was revealed last night.
"I am Lord Lucan" he admitted. "It's such a relief to not have to live a lie any more"
Rumours that his co-presenter Tess Daly is actually Shergar have yet to be confirmed.
EXCLUSIVELY EXCLUSIVE THAT NO OTHER PAPER HAS YET...HONEST!!!!!
MAssive Conspiracy REVEALED!!
The SHOCK exit of Gobby Ronseal this week can be explained by a SHOCKING conpiracy, set to SHOCK the viewers of STRICTLY HARD-WORKING MIDDLE CLASS FOLK DANCING, in a SHOCKINGLY SHOCKING twist, this reporter has discovered a SHOCKINGLY SHOCKING SHOCKER.
The Wail prides itself on being the champion of poor, single parents as they drain the country, bringing up semi-literate children, however, we have discovered taht a single parent, the child of an immigrant, has executed a devious plan to bring the Channel something show to its knees, and thereby sending saturday night viewing for NORMAL HARDWORKING FAMILIES to hell in a handcart.
Yes, the reason for Gobbie's shock exit is CAROLE VOLDERMORTICIA. She has been plotting her revenge ever since her image as "a bit of a a saucy sexpot under the maths genius facade" was shattered by her comedy gurning, her Marsh-like need for copious make-up and her inability to laugh at her crapness. Volkswagoncamper, (who had some foreigners in her family) (87) has rigged the BT system to ensure that all the phone calls made to save the contestants actually recorded votes for the Mcdonald Brothers, last years winners of Pop Idols - The Jokes.
Gobabob was the unfortunate victim this week, but Vorsprungdorktechnic (a single mother) ultimate plan was to bring down the judging panel, and in particualar her nemisis, Marrilion HotGossip FionaPhillips, the world famous dancing and maths genius.
Vapourrub (who is a bit common) was unavailable for comment when we tried telepathy, showing how out of tune with the HARD WORKING BRITISH PUBLIC she is.
A source close to someone who knows, claims that the real reason Billy Zane is at EVERY single recording of Strictly Come Dancing is to ensure that lothario Brandon Cool, 22, doesn't make one, let alone three, illegal moves in on his fiancee Kelly, 42FF, 24, 28.
However, Ms Brook denied this saying that really he was there due to her poor eyesight. Apparently she uses the reflection from the spotlight aimed at Mr Zedlist's follicly changed head as a focus point to ensure she knows where she is on the dancefloor.
Her mother, Edwina Currie, confirmed this to be true. She said: "She gets her poor eyesight from her father but won't wear the large glasses like he used to". Sadly, Kelly never knew her father and Ms Currie refused to be drawn on the matter saying that he left her with egg on her face. Rumours abound, however, that he was fairly high up in politics a few years ago.
The world of television has been rocked by the revelation that GMTV is, in fact, a front for Scholls Sandals Orthopaedics Research Unit into the condition of having two left or two right feet, known in the medical world as duopedsdidforus. A leaked memorandum from GMTV Human Resources reminded senior managers that
`'When interviewing for new presenters to be particularly vigilant from the waist down. Be suspicious of anyone wearing Ugg or cowboy boots who may be trying to disguise perfectly good feet in an attempt to get employment on the research programme.'
Ex GMTV presenter, Andrew Sandcastle, wept when interviewed by rival BBC Breakup TV presenter Bill Tumble.
Staring wistfully at his tennis toned tootsies he confessed
`'I thought my contract ended because try as I might I could never aspire to Bin Sheephard's vibrant orange skin colour. Little did I realise that it was because, despite his corns, fallen arches and bunions he tripped endlessly from one show to the next with barely a pause or stumble.'
It was not possible to contact GMTV for comment by phone as, according to their phone company, ooooh not you 2, they have been disconnected for serious abuse of the telephone system.
Comments
SCD Insiders revealed today that Anthony Doobree has choreographed the "perfect routine" in a last ditch attempt to win judge's votes and highlight his partner Karen Galloway's developing dance skills. Mr Doobree told our source that for this week's dance, the rat-run, he has glued Karen's shoes to the tops of his own. "Let Craig Reveal Horror say she puts a foot wrong this week - I double-dog-dare him!!" challenged Doobree.
Ms Galloway, sister of MP George, laughed hysterically as she said, "the others are all melting in a pool of exhausted sweat practising while I drink wine and have my nails done! All I have to do is make sure Anthony buys Sooperdooper glue and we're a shoe-in for the mirror ball trophy! I'm wearing blue on Saturday to attract the Chelsea voters."
The truth behind the choice of blue was revealed when our source in the wardrobe department told us that the original design of a brown gown had to be shelved after backstage wags began tying yellow ribbons around Ms Galloway, saying they had mistaken her for an old oak tree.
Keep up the good work, I can't think of any scoops for today, sorry
In an exclusive interview with our reporter, Ms U. Seless, we can reveal that Bruno Tonicolletti, one of the judges on the BBC's flagship show 'Strictly Come Dancing' has checked into 'The Priory' over an addiction that he has kept secret for years.
In between tears, Bruno, 87, revealed that he has been addicted to the movie 'Ten' starring Dudley Moore and Bo Derek since it's release in 1979.
Wiping his eyes as he spoke, Bruno confessed how his addiction had got so bad, that it had finally made him unable to work, so much so, that right after Saturdays show, he begged to be taken into rehab when he realised he could not go on.
'I couldn't help it,' he wept. 'From the minute I saw that film, from the second I saw Bo Derek's corn rows, I was hooked. I even got myself the same hairstyle as her. And Dudley was my hero from that moment on. I loved that guy.'
Trying hard not to break down in sobs he continued...'I really tried to keep in under control. At first I went to see it at the cinema, only 2 or 3 times a day. But when it went off I had to wait months for it to be available on video, and ended up buying a copy on the black market for £472. I couldn't help myself, I loved that film so much. It started to infiltrate every aspect of my life. I would walk and talk like Dudley Moore, walk along beaches in a bathing suit with my hair in plaits trying to be Bo Derek. It got so bad, that I even started to try and become Julie Andrews at one point, as she was also in the film. I started wearing a nuns habit and singing climb every mountain whenever I walked up my stairs. I even had a spoonful of sugar everyday.'
Bruno fought all this secretly for a long time, but realised he was fighting a losing battle when, a year ago, he actually changed his name to Jenny Hanley, the character Bo Derek played in the film. But he told no one.
'After that, it just got worse and worse' he said weeping. 'I now had the film on 15 DVD's, from all parts of the world....I would watch it everyday at least 10 times....in every language. I just couldn't get enough. I'd stay up all night watching it and crying and laughing. I was a wreck through having no sleep.'
But things came to a head on the BBC show last weekend.
'I couldn't help myself' he said visibly shaking. 'I knew I shouldn't give anyone a score of '10' that early in the competition. I managed to keep my hand away from the score paddle through the first few dances....even when Kate and Anton were dancing, I nearly touched it...but Len seemed to realise I was in distress, and kept me focused. But the minute I watched Brendan Cole and Kelly Brook dance, well Kelly reminded me so much of Dudley Moore, I couldn't help myself. I picked up the paddle and gave them the '10'...the perfect '10', as perfect as the film was in every way.'
At this point in the interview, Bruno broke down completely and had to be sectioned in his room overnight for his own safety, as he had begun to threaten to plait some of the other patients hair as he wept and sobbed.
But at least straight after the show he realised that at last after all these years, he needed help and checked himself into 'The Priory' straight away.
This paper can only say 'get well soon' Bruno, you will always be a perfect '10' to us.
Read the full interview in tomorrows paper, which also contains a free copy of the movie '10.' (Not being delivered to 'The Priory' obviously.)
Give up drinking tea, not many laughs in a cup of tea. But plenty in this thread.:D:D:D:D Keep up the great work everyone.
After the furore over his scoring on Saturday night, a distraught Bruno Ravioli decided to reveal the truth- he isn't even Italian!
"All my life, I was obsessed with Italy, and so I started pretending I actually came from there," he tearfully admitted. "My real name is Ben Thompson."
When questioned on his tendency to give overly high scores on the show, Bruno seemed confused. "The producers told me we were marking out of twenty. I've always considered myself to be harsh as no one has ever seemed worthy of more than ten- and besides, I can't find my second box of paddles. I think that Craig Rebel-Hawthorn must have stolen them- we all know how generous he is with his scores."
Brilliant!
lol
STRICTNINE EXCLUSIVE!!!!
Den and Juno shock!!
We can ECLUSIVELY reveal the SHOCKING news that the much-loved judges of STRICTININE COME PRANCING are enjoying SECRET TRYSTS in LOS ANGELES.
The two judges rush out of the studio every saturday noght and then catch a plane to LOS ANGELES, which we believe is near Weston-Super-Mare. Once there they hole up in a 5 star hotel, blatently using the facilites, going out in public together and making no attempt to hide their PERVERTED but oerfectly acceptable in some circles, lifestyle.
We painstakingly tracked the pair, by turning on UKTVGOLD. Some of our readers will be SHOCKED to know that Dem was even still wearing the same suit when he appeared on a GAY tv show - although there is nothing really wrong with that. Luno is well known for his love of sequins, and he SHOCKED THE NATION this week when he stated that he "Needed a bit of campness" whilst looking lovingly at Ben. The two had had a minor LOVERS TIFF earlier in the show, but their godson, Brice Foreskin (178) had smoothed the row over.
Marleeeeeeene (21), their fellow judge will be MOST SHOCKED, as she has been linked to Brillo for the past 200 years. The two are known to have shared a lot of HOT GOSSIP in their time!
When confronted with our dossier of evidence, MAvis the Cleaner stated "Bugger off, I gor work ta do" proving an elaborate coverup is in prgress.
However, we can reveal that Bredom is kept in a cage by SCD head judge ben goodmen and starved until he agrees to perform. A tearful Brandon told our reporter "I see myself on screen and I just want to weep. People think I'm this arrogant attention seeking show off and I'm not - I just wnat to dance and in my spare time help old ladies across the road but Ken won't let me. He says if I don't perform he'll send videos of me dancing to my parents in Auckland, Australia. It would kill them - they're both sheep shearers and their friends would never let them live it down if they knew I danced. Its terrible - I feel so used"
However, head judge Den denied Brendons story saying "we have to keep him in a cage during the show in case he pounces on the female contestants. Its for everyone's safety including Braydons. We don't want a repeat of the stilleto/jock strap interface of last season"
Readers we say "free the SCD 1". sign our petition on line at www.freescd2.org.uk
For tonight’s show, contestants had to learn either the Waltz or the Argentine Tango. First on the dance floor were John Binns and his partner Nicola Costcutler. Their wonderful Waltz left head judge Glen Goodlady lost for words. Marlene Flippits was similarly speechless after Blue Peter’s Gavin Jones’ Argentine Tango, that he had prepared earlier in the week.
Third on the dance floor were Kerry Booke and Brandon Carl. Despite presenter Brice Fortune introducing their dance as a Waltz, their fancy footwork seemed to be neither of the evening‘s dances.
“Brandon, its happening again, you can’t change the rules just to suit you” Craig Rebel-Hostile remarked as the duo stood in front of the fearsome foursome. When questioned about their choice of choreography, professional dancer Carl stated that he knew what the dances were meant to be this week, but Kerry had a lot more flair for the Hokey-Cokey. Marlene Flippits couldn’t comment, as she had spent the majority of the dance with her eyes glued to Brandon’s hips as he ‘shook it all about’.
Glen Goodlady had nothing more to say, apart from “Brandon, you teacake”
As the couple joined Brice’s fellow presenter Jess Monthly backstage, the judges revealed their scores. “I’m really pleased with how I did,” gushed Kerry “I really feel that this is my dance”
The first three judges’ scores were as follows: Craig Rebel-Hostile - 8, Marlene Flippits - 8, Glen Goodlady - 7 “You know Kerry, if it was under different circumstances, I would have given you a 9 or 10, but rules are rules I’m afraid.” Justified Goodlady
Last to reveal his score was Bruno Tagliatelle. “I couldn’t help myself. It was fantastic! TEN!”
Needless to say, both Kerry and Brandon were thrilled with their score. The rest of the contestants, however were not, especially Kate Farfaraway. “I’m brilliant at the Hokey-Cokey, we could have done that.”
Rumour has it, Kate’s partner Anton Du Vet is planning on teaching Kate the YMCA for next week’s show.
"Yeh, the BBC decided the real thing was too expensive and got some cheap old rubbish from Russia. It's the same model as they used for Yeltsin, just with Brucie's waxwork head on top. Trouble is the battery only lasts 5 minutes and then he starts stuttering and talking jibberish, we have to get Tess to come and plug him in at the back. And he's so bloody heavy to wheel around we sometimes miss his link to the next dance. It's only got enough memory for 5 jokes and we have to use 'you're my favourite' over and over to save power for his tap dance at the top of the show."
We asked for an exclusive comment from Craig Rebel Hostile to which he replied "It's a dance disaster, a travesty, sack of potatoes, battery low, battery low."
The truth about TV legend Bruce Forsyth was revealed last night.
"I am Lord Lucan" he admitted. "It's such a relief to not have to live a lie any more"
Rumours that his co-presenter Tess Daly is actually Shergar have yet to be confirmed.
Thank you to every one of you for posting such brilliantly funny news clips. Some of these I will never forget.
EXCLUSIVELY EXCLUSIVE THAT NO OTHER PAPER HAS YET...HONEST!!!!!
MAssive Conspiracy REVEALED!!
The SHOCK exit of Gobby Ronseal this week can be explained by a SHOCKING conpiracy, set to SHOCK the viewers of STRICTLY HARD-WORKING MIDDLE CLASS FOLK DANCING, in a SHOCKINGLY SHOCKING twist, this reporter has discovered a SHOCKINGLY SHOCKING SHOCKER.
The Wail prides itself on being the champion of poor, single parents as they drain the country, bringing up semi-literate children, however, we have discovered taht a single parent, the child of an immigrant, has executed a devious plan to bring the Channel something show to its knees, and thereby sending saturday night viewing for NORMAL HARDWORKING FAMILIES to hell in a handcart.
Yes, the reason for Gobbie's shock exit is CAROLE VOLDERMORTICIA. She has been plotting her revenge ever since her image as "a bit of a a saucy sexpot under the maths genius facade" was shattered by her comedy gurning, her Marsh-like need for copious make-up and her inability to laugh at her crapness. Volkswagoncamper, (who had some foreigners in her family) (87) has rigged the BT system to ensure that all the phone calls made to save the contestants actually recorded votes for the Mcdonald Brothers, last years winners of Pop Idols - The Jokes.
Gobabob was the unfortunate victim this week, but Vorsprungdorktechnic (a single mother) ultimate plan was to bring down the judging panel, and in particualar her nemisis, Marrilion HotGossip FionaPhillips, the world famous dancing and maths genius.
Vapourrub (who is a bit common) was unavailable for comment when we tried telepathy, showing how out of tune with the HARD WORKING BRITISH PUBLIC she is.
SHOCKING!!
Thank you everybody for cheering up these dark days and reminding us that SCD is supposed to be fun!
However, Ms Brook denied this saying that really he was there due to her poor eyesight. Apparently she uses the reflection from the spotlight aimed at Mr Zedlist's follicly changed head as a focus point to ensure she knows where she is on the dancefloor.
Her mother, Edwina Currie, confirmed this to be true. She said: "She gets her poor eyesight from her father but won't wear the large glasses like he used to". Sadly, Kelly never knew her father and Ms Currie refused to be drawn on the matter saying that he left her with egg on her face. Rumours abound, however, that he was fairly high up in politics a few years ago.
`'When interviewing for new presenters to be particularly vigilant from the waist down. Be suspicious of anyone wearing Ugg or cowboy boots who may be trying to disguise perfectly good feet in an attempt to get employment on the research programme.'
Ex GMTV presenter, Andrew Sandcastle, wept when interviewed by rival BBC Breakup TV presenter Bill Tumble.
Staring wistfully at his tennis toned tootsies he confessed
`'I thought my contract ended because try as I might I could never aspire to Bin Sheephard's vibrant orange skin colour. Little did I realise that it was because, despite his corns, fallen arches and bunions he tripped endlessly from one show to the next with barely a pause or stumble.'
It was not possible to contact GMTV for comment by phone as, according to their phone company, ooooh not you 2, they have been disconnected for serious abuse of the telephone system.