Hard time at work
![[Deleted User]](https://w1.vanillicon.com/v2/106f1b5d7a4cb8e254181942cdb2e808.svg)
[Deleted User]
Posts: 2,187 Forum Member
✭✭✭
In the place I work I used to work in a department which wasn't very nice. Everyone was bitchy, there was always an atmosphere, none of them seemed to like each other except when they would have the occasional pop at me, the manager being the worst. I was the only guy in the department so I always just took it on the chin, kept my head down never made a fuss, took it like a man so to speak. However I did end up resigning from the post for that and other reasons. This was only half a post and I had another role in another department meaning that I had not left the place completely. I have since found work in another department. Recently the the department invited me to their xmas dinner which I declined partly for obvious reasons but also financial reasons. The latter being the reason I gave them.
Anyway recently the department I recently got work with all went out to lunch as one of them had a birthday. It was only at pizza hut so I went and I am also going to their xmas dinner as I have always gotten on well with then since even before I went to work in that department. The old department have found out about this and have made digs about it with the most recent one being from the manager who made a dig about my financial situation in front of everyone. I took it on the chin but secretly it completely humiliated me. Lets just say my background is not the poshest or wealthiest so I am a bit sensitive about it at the best of times. As a result I did not want to come into work today and am dreading the next dig. I dont want act unreasonably or like a baby about this. Anyone got any suggestions about how I deal with this?
Anyway recently the department I recently got work with all went out to lunch as one of them had a birthday. It was only at pizza hut so I went and I am also going to their xmas dinner as I have always gotten on well with then since even before I went to work in that department. The old department have found out about this and have made digs about it with the most recent one being from the manager who made a dig about my financial situation in front of everyone. I took it on the chin but secretly it completely humiliated me. Lets just say my background is not the poshest or wealthiest so I am a bit sensitive about it at the best of times. As a result I did not want to come into work today and am dreading the next dig. I dont want act unreasonably or like a baby about this. Anyone got any suggestions about how I deal with this?
0
Comments
Most contracts will have something in them about not having to put up with bullying, offensive remarks, etc,etc. In mine there is a line which says "it is not how a remark was intended, it is how it is received". Therefore if someone makes a remark to you that you find offensive, then it IS offensive. Any decent manager will be aware of this and should take it very seriously. Speak to them asking for it to be stopped.
Its gonna take a bit of inner strength on your part, but in the long run its what you need to do. People will also respect you for standing up for yourself.
Everyone has the right to go to work without feeling intimidated. This sort of thing happens all the time, it shouldn't but it does.
I would find the appropriate bit in your contract, show it to your manager, and firmly, ask for it to be stopped. Its your right.
Let us know what happens.
Thank you for your response. I have thought about this route and I know that the place I know work would take it seriously (also rumour has it that the person who made this remark is not in HR's good book as it is). The only problem is, is that it seems a bit, well I dont really know. I would report it as a last resort but. Uh I dont know, there is no reasoning with the person. Maybe I should take this course of action. I'm gonna need to have a good think about it.
You need to have a small arsenal of barbed retorts for occasions like this, such as "Money doesn't buy you manners I see".
Personally I think this is a completely over the top response. Bantering and ribbing do take place at work and there is a difference between being bullied and being extremely thin skinned. Managers don't take very kindly to being dragged into it every time there is a minor tiff at work. It reflects badly on the person complainings ability to resolve conflict, behave like an adult and be assertive.
Also he doesn't actually work directly with the people involved so it won't be affecting him day to day. If I was him I would talk to my own manager informally mentioning what was happening asking them to keep an eye on it and letting them know he will tell them if he has any further problems, then his back is covered.
To be frank, if he goes in there waving his contract about demanding action over one snotty comment it will reflect worse on him than the person he's complaining about. All of us have to work with at least one or two people who aren't the easiest to get on with and if everybody went running to their boss every time a snotty remark was made that's all they'd deal with.
He needs to make his manager aware incase it gets worse, but at the moment that's all he needs to do, to have a quick informal chat just to let them know what's going on.
I'm a lone male working with 10 women so I know what it's like, groups of women are far worse than groups of men to work with, in my experience.
Grow a backbone. Tell your colleagues in the old department the truth. You're not happy to socialise with people who readily stab you in the back, gossip about you etc. Any other digs, just reply with "oh wind your neck in will ya, you're getting boring now" and move on.
Stop being so sensitive and putting other peoples feelings first when you're clearly so unhappy about doing so. BE A MAN so to speak.
One these people can see you're not bothered, they'll move onto the next "victim".
I don't thing he even needs to dignify it with a response. People only behave like this if they get a reaction which shows they've upset the person it's aimed at.
To be honest I think the best response would be to turn round and say he's had a ton of invitations out this Christmas and can't afford to go to all of them so he's had to priortise.
That's polite but it also makes him look popular and subtly says 'Look, it's not the money, I just don't want to go out wth you lot'.
That's a bit over the top too. There's no need to be rude or to start an argument and create bad feeling that's going to last for ages and can't be taken back.
If he says that they'll use it against him. However I think 'Wind your neck in it's getting boring now' would be a good response to any digs they make.
I don't think being honest is being over the top.
Yes, but at the same time he doesn't want to make a rod for his own back does he?
If he turns round and says look I just can't stand you all and don't want to go out with you, not only is he going to look childish but it's going to mean that all of those people are going to be really offended and he'll fall out with them for a long time and make the atmosphere even worse. And they'll be able to give him as much s*** as they like if he does that because if he complains they'll be able to say they were just responding to him.
He would be totally cutting off his nose to spite his face if he did that. Plus the people making the digs would absolutely love the fact they'd got a reaction.
There's an old saying something like the only reason evil flourishes is because good people stand by and do nothing.
As an HR professional I agree with Paul's response. Go to HR, not 'waving your contract' but with a genuinely held and confidential concern. That is what HR are here for (although some HR depts have a poor reputation) and can talk you through the problem and decide on a way forward - if any. It could well be that this is yet another issue with the particular employee and they can manage the person's behaviour informally to start with. I am 100% that if you found this offensive, it was offensive and should be put on record. No one goes to work to be made unhappy by someone being snide. Don't forget the new Equality Act is partly to address these issues.
I am a great believer in workplace banter and jokes being a good thing, but that does not cover an indivdual's perception of being treated in a way that does not stand the scrutiny of dignity at work.
However I'm not sure I like the comment of 'BE A MAN' and 'dont be so sensitive'. I don't think wanting to find a civalised and reasonable solution has anything to do with gender.
I agree with you on that. But regardless of whether you're male or female the issue of being able to assert yourself and resolve conflict still applies.
By all means go to your HR dept, but if you do consider that you will have gone above your current managers head to make a complaint and they may well not be happy about that as it will reflect badly on them that you didn't go to them first.
Also I would have a long hard think about what you want out of your work before you complain to HR. Do you see yourself, or would you like to, be promoted to a supervisory or management position in the long run? If that's something you would like to happen then you'll have to bear in mind that in positions like that it's part of the job that you are sometimes going to get stick from some of the people that are under you.
If you complain now they may well think that you couldn't take it in the future if they did promote you to something like that and you had to face criticism by people you had to discipline etc.
If you have a quick look through this forum at various bullying at work threads you come across some horrific stuff, people being constantly undermined and feeling their actual position is in danger.
Although what's happening to you is undoubtably unpleasant I don't think it really amounts to bullying and I think all you really need to do at the moment is let someone know what's going on (preferably your own manager) and tell them you're letting them know incase it escalates.
But I still stand by what I said, if you start making a big deal out of a few bitchy comments you're the one who's going to look silly.
If it really is affecting you that badly you'll need to justify how it's stopping you from doing your job day to day.
You're being harassed, this is totally illegal!
Harassment need only happen once, you don't need a catalogue!
Pull yourself together. This is not harrassment, it's stupid people making stupid comments.
The OP has no problem with his colleagues in his current department so he should just rise above it.
As long as he gets along with the people he works with now I don't se what the promlem is.
I'd agree with you on this, there are far too many ridiculous statements about bullying in the work place.
I work in sales & if that example was used, there wouldn't be anybody working in sales
Its harassment!
He no longer works in the original team but they are still pursuing him and making comments that make him feel uncomfortable at work!
I'm not saying that he should get the big guns out, but harassment it is!
Just because people put up with it doesn't make it right!
I stand by my original comment, speak to your immediate manager/ supervisor. Anyone who is in charge of anyone else knows all employers have a duty of care towards employee's. Dont go to you HR department, there is a line of authority you should follow, thats why it must be your immediate supervisor/ manager. In all likely hood this will put and end to it.
To all those who say grow up, and the like, its you that need to grow up. The OP said it partly contributed to him resigning a job. Without knowing the OP in person none of us know how this is affecting him.
I'll give you an example. There is a guy at work who had someone on his shift who had a weight problem. This supervisor always called him "chubs" and even though he hated it, he never said anything. In the end he left because of it. Some people just are'nt very good at standing up for themselves. Does that mean their lives shoul be made horrible at work ?
I repeat, speak to you immediate manager. Just a simple, can i have a word with you and ask them to stop it.
When i first started work these issues were dealt with by a good kicking in the toilets. Those days are long gone. (thank god)
I therefore think ignoring this isn't the way to go. The OP should initially speak to his own manager if he can't speak to the manager involved, but then go to the next one up or HR if he/she doesn't pack it in of their own volition. Let the manager know that you enjoy a joke as much as the next person, but you don't appreciate being repeatedly made the butt of the joke in the way that's been going on, & now that you've left the department you'd like the comments by them & other staff to stop. Tell them that if they don't, you will have to take the matter further & will quote the date that you spoke to the manager & the content of the conversation in the complaint. If the comments continue, be as good as your word, otherwise you'll look weak & will be a bigger target. While the manager who's been doing it won't be amused by your new manager approaching them & will probably try to bluff their way out of it (making out you're taking things too seriously etc), they'll know that HR & higher management probably won't treat the matter as the big joke they think it is, especially when it's caused people to leave. No employer likes to lose good staff, and the OP was lucky there was an internal vacancy to move to - how many other people may have left rather than put up with it?
The OP was the only man in the department. If this had been a case where one woman was subject to repeated comments by a group of men that made her feel uncomfortable enough at work to change jobs, I suspect more people would have been calling it harassment, & at least one person would have asked if the comments were sexual in nature. I don't think many would expect her to just ignore it. Things shouldn't be any different for a man.
See bold. He's moved department, he doesn't work with them closely.
Obviously he CAN go and report the problems but what kind of come back is that going to have on him?
There is often conflict in the workplace, this doesn't seem to have gone beyond a bit of ribbiing. If he makes an official complaint not only will he look a bit stupid but he might ruln his chances of being promoted. You have to be able to resolve conflict and be assertive.
He is not in a situation where it's realistically stopping him doing his job or stymying his work.
Right now all he needs to do is keep it informal and have a chat with his own manager. Then if it gets worse he can escalate it. But he shouldn't create drama about it.
OP, you may find the following book useful.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Nasty-People-Jay-Carter/dp/0071410228/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1291240364&sr=8-1
See bold.
Maybe I've missed it, but I don't think the OP has said anything about wanting promotion, either now or some time in the future. Not everyone does - some people just want to go in & do their job well, without wanting more responsibility, which is fair enough.
It is fear that allows people to get away with this kind of behaviour - they worry what people will think of them, they think "maybe next time", they try to laugh it off, but the more it goes on the less able they are to handle it. I don't doubt for one second that someone trying this kind of stuff with me would have wound their neck in pretty quickly once I'd started answering them back, because I'd have done so from the beginning, so it wouldn't have got to this stage. The OP isn't like that, but he shouldn't have to change his personality just because other people won't change theirs. If he doesn't deal with this now, some of the staff from his old department may move into his current one, bringing the barbs with them.
It may be that some of them don't realise how what they say affects him, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be brought to their attention. Women can be pretty nasty when they want to be, and a man shouldn't have to be "a man" and take it - if it's wrong, it's wrong whoever dishes it out.
This.
When they took the mickey out of you about saying you didn't have the cash to go and then deciding to go to the other one you should have just said summat like "Hey, I was just trying to blow you off politely, okay?".
Alternatively, if you are up to it, there's a lot to be said for being direct.
Nothing shocks a self-important boss like having a junior employee go up to them and POLITELY telling them how things really are.
Go up to the boss who took the mickey and simply say that you didn't want to go to their party because you don't enjoy their company but you were trying to be polite and you'd appreciate it if the person could manage to be similarly polite.
Other than that, if anyone mentions your financial situation I would ask them, "and that's your business because......?" and let them explain why they want to know.
I also liked the suggestions other posters made of saying you had too many invitations to choose from, and if they won't back off the barbed retort of "Money doesn't buy you manners..."