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Would you cut ties with your mother?
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My mother and I have never had a good relationship. She's not someone I care for and, as an adult, have avoided as much as possible. I would take her to the doctor or shopping once a month which was about as much as I could tolerate.
A few months ago we had a falling out and I haven't spoken to her since. It's been bliss but...
Yesterday I received a (very difficult to understand) email in which she stated she "wouldn't be helping [me]" "buy a car" or "fill-out forms." This is odd because I already have a car (not looking for another, either) and she doesn't fill out any forms for me - it's tax season now, but she's never done my taxes so I don't know the meaning behind this one yet. She has a habit of making things difficult to understand by not saying what she's actually thinking but instead hints at something leaving you to guess/figure out what she's talking about. Can't tell you how annoying this is. You know, she and I have a lot of issues she could have chose to work on but instead she brings up two random topics that affect neither of us. Isn't that odd? I think that's odd.
Anyway, she ends the message with something like "I had hoped for a better relationship with you" < the wording was very close, if not exact. Personally, I don't care what she hopes/hoped for. Never bonded with the woman, didn't like her when I was a kid and don't like her now (the feeling is mutual, too). But what to do about the email...
While it's been nice not having to deal with her for the last few months I'm not sure what to do. I don't really want to talk to her but I feel, I don't know, obligated. So what do you think I should do, should I ignore her? Write her back?
What would you do, would you shut your mother out of your life?
A few months ago we had a falling out and I haven't spoken to her since. It's been bliss but...
Yesterday I received a (very difficult to understand) email in which she stated she "wouldn't be helping [me]" "buy a car" or "fill-out forms." This is odd because I already have a car (not looking for another, either) and she doesn't fill out any forms for me - it's tax season now, but she's never done my taxes so I don't know the meaning behind this one yet. She has a habit of making things difficult to understand by not saying what she's actually thinking but instead hints at something leaving you to guess/figure out what she's talking about. Can't tell you how annoying this is. You know, she and I have a lot of issues she could have chose to work on but instead she brings up two random topics that affect neither of us. Isn't that odd? I think that's odd.
Anyway, she ends the message with something like "I had hoped for a better relationship with you" < the wording was very close, if not exact. Personally, I don't care what she hopes/hoped for. Never bonded with the woman, didn't like her when I was a kid and don't like her now (the feeling is mutual, too). But what to do about the email...
While it's been nice not having to deal with her for the last few months I'm not sure what to do. I don't really want to talk to her but I feel, I don't know, obligated. So what do you think I should do, should I ignore her? Write her back?
What would you do, would you shut your mother out of your life?
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Write back to her, thanking her for her e-mail, and telling her a bit about your life (keep this as general as you want). Don't get into any discussion about your leaving, your relationship or anything else emotive. End the letter with something like "Thanks again for writing, I'll keep in touch."
This allows you to keep your emotional distance without letting her back into your life. If she ever writes again with the guilt trip, again just ignore it and stick to the general stuff. You would also probably feel easier about it (as you seem quite caring!) if there was a neighbour or relative who could keep you in the loop in case your mother gets ill, because you really will feel guilty if you don't know about that.
But I note that your mother ends by saying that she wishes that she had a better relationship with you.
You could just reply back with a generic non-committal letter. But, I wonder if it's worth considering giving some indications of what you believe would lead to a better relationship. History cannot be changed (though it can be apologised for). But the way in which your interactions work or don't work, might be able to be addressed.
Answering the direct question in the title, no I wouldn't because I'm confident my mother wouldn't do anything to even raise the issue. However, in the case of your mother, then if you're considering breaking ties, then how would it hurt to write a letter effectively (and politely) stating under what circumstances the relationship can continue or improve. Once you're at the point of considering breaking contact, is that not an opportunity for saying things that have been left unsaid for fear of rocking the boat. Because if you're considering scuttling the boat, you might as well rock it a bit first.
To me it looks as if the shoe is on your foot. And that if you simply ask for what you want, then you might get it. Perhaps not all at once, but I think your mother does value your relationship. And that might be the 'bottom line'.
This sort of reminds me of a story I heard about a couple. His parents disliked his wife, and were always very rude to her. One day, he decided he'd had enough, and cut off all contact apart from a Christmas card which his wife sent and which was written in her handwriting. After three years, he met up with his parents again, and they were VERY polite and welcoming of his wife. Perhaps that's extreme and not the best strategy, but it does suggest that relationships can be addressed.
You can't choose your parents like you choose your partner or friends, you have to make do with what you are given and if they act bad and are toxic for your life, you still think you have to suck it up because you have to be grateful to them for giving you birth and bringing you up.
If she weren't your mother, you would get rid of her probably quite easily so I would say you shouldn't feel obligated to keep her in your life.
Life is so much better without her in it I would begrudge having to have contact with her. Happiness and having her in my life are mutually exclusive.
I personally wouldn't respond but you need to do what is right for you. If you want a low key relationship, then a simple generic response as suggested would be the answer. If you don't want a relationship at all just ignore the email. I would strongly suggest not getting into a discussion about anything with her - especially not your relationship.
The only issues I have is that my issues with my mother and step father affect other family members. So far I have put my welfare first but it might be more of an issue for you.
Good luck with what ever you decide
Sometimes it was a struggle, but I would give my right arm to see her just one more time.
As for my mother, our relationship has never been wonderful, and we did fall out just over 4 years ago, after she said some horrible things, and I told her I didn't want to speak to her for a while. I think it was about 3 months and that really shook her up. Since then, she's been on her best behaviour and our relationship has improved but she knows if she ever does anything like that again, that's it.
I've always been a firm believer that blood isn't necessarily thicker than water. If a relationship - any relationship - is toxic and affects your life in a negative way, then it's better to get rid than allow the person to continue to hurt you, time and again. I don't care if that person is a parent - same rules apply.
I like the idea of keeping the lines open, I think I could easily write about superficial stuff. Her age and health do concern me and are really the only two things that compel me to keep in touch so this is a great solution. Thanks.
mollie, sounds like you had a "character building" childhood, too. Unfortunate but I bet you learned a lot of "how *not* to raise a child" lessons. Those can be just as valuable as the "how-to" lessons. The duty I feel toward her is the same I feel for everyone, no more, no less. I will try though, and just keep telling myself to take the highroad. Thanks.
^ my first quote!
Hi WinterFire, you've given me a lot to think about here. Writing is not my forte though, I don't do it well and have a hard time putting my thoughts on paper (I can say it, but not write it) and because of that any in-depth conversation would have to be verbal. I'm not sure we could be polite at this time but holding off for awhile like in your story is a great idea. I think that could work.
She's not the type to apologize and I've never asked for one, never thought it'd make a difference really, because it wouldn't be sincere. I'm not a boat rocker but if this goes south then believe me I will set it off like nobody's business.
Thanks for your help.
I had a row (arguement) with my mum about november 2012, she died on 22nd december 2012 I didn't get the chance to put things right.
I'm not saying you should become lovidovey with her but I think you'll regret being unkind.
Perhaps she doesn't want to see you again, either. If you only saw her under duress once a month, she may be relieved not to have to endure it.
Have you got children, by the way?
My OH hasn't spoken to his mother since 2004, or his brother either - no great loss either way
Families can be a blessing or a burden! Good luck
Hi lem! I probably should sac up and be grateful that she raised me (I was adopted, so she didn't give birth to me). I think my mother and I are a toxic combo as opposed to it being one or the other She's usually okay when I'm not around (I think) that's what she says anyway. Unfortunately, she's not always aware of how her behavior impacts others though so I don't know how true her claim is.
My sister doesn't get on with my mum. They are not bad people, but they are nasty to each other, especially my sister does like to tell her things she knows will make her get mad and hurt her, so in a case like this I would say keeping away from each other would be the best thing to do. I think I understand the kind of relationship you and your mum have.
StressMonkey < your name, ha! that's cute. Sounds like you're in a better place now. I'll get there one day so when you hear a knock on the door, open it. It's me!
The indirect speak can be very trying. Sometimes she is deliberately obtuse to the point of being obnoxious. I have a low tolerance for it now so I just go home. I don't know what else to do.
I would like to ignore her at least for a little while but she's old, lives alone and has some health issues so ignoring her is not an easy option.
Now I have so much to think about. Thank you.
You are the only person who can judge your own relationship - it changes over time and we all move from child back to parent - but it does need a solid basis to work.
I'm so sorry, hun. I can only begin to imagine how you feel. I hope you have a good friend who helps you through the rough patches.
Thanks so much and Mental ... I never believed a word of what your mother said about you. Not one word.
My aunt - my father's sister - had a huge falling out with their father some 40 years ago. She told him to leave and never come back. He didn't. I was just a baby at the time. I grew up never knowing what had become of my grandfather; where was he, was he alive or dead etc? About 10 years ago, I started looking for him on the internet without any luck. He has an uncommon full name so it should have been pretty easy, but it wasn't. Then just last week I had another go, and found him - he'd died in Australia 30 years ago. As a family, we're all thankful that we've finally found out what happened to him, but stunned about where he ended up. He really did get away!
So please think before you decide to cut ties fully. It can affect the whole family for generations if one of you decides to go AWOL like my grandfather.
I cut ties with her, not because I dont love her anymore, but because it was the only way to get her to see the depths of her problems and seek help. With us as a crutch she wasn't dealing with her problems. So now she has her siblings to help her but not her own children, we have said that we will only get back in touch once we have re-assurances from the rest of the family that she has dealt with her problems and the lying stops.
Its up to you to decide whether it is the right thing to do or not, no one can tell you what is best.
Hey Mellow. Glad you mom came around, that's nice. I guess "no love lost" might sum up how you feel about your dad - sums it up for me and my mother that's for sure.
Thanks for writing what you did particularly about the three month mark because that's where I'm at now, three months. Maybe this has shaken her a bit, doubt she'll change though.
I'll be honest, if my mum was old, ill and alone, I would struggle with my conscious to justify cutting her out of my life even if I felt I'd had a difficult time with her.