Mum has cancer and I am scared.
Hi everyone,
I just wanted to post an update of my previous thread and ask for some more advice please.
To summarise my Mum has been diagnosed with kidney cancer which thankfully hadn't spread as they first thought.
She has since had an array of tests and he advised that surgery would be a last resort with Mum because of her other health issues and the best advice was to monitor it for the time being.
On our last visit to the consultant we were told that the cancer has continued to grow and that he now needed to see her every 4 months when previously it was at 6 monthly intervals.
He also intimated that at her next appointment it would be time for her to make a decision as the tumour was now entering the 'danger' zone when it is likely that it will spread.
He has taken advice from all those involved in mums care and the general consensus is that a removal of the kidney is the only option she has. However, there is a 1 in 10 chance that she will not survive the operation and even if she does there is a 1 in 10 chance that she will not be strong enough to recover from the trauma of such a large operation and in his words will not leave the hospital.
If by some miracle she survives everything the function of her other kidney is so poor that she will need dialysis for the rest of her life.
The other option is that she just leaves it be with the inevitable result.
Her appointment is not until the 7th November but I am taking her for her MRI scan on Wednesday and it has suddenly hit me hard of the life-changing decision she (and we as a family) are facing. I know that ultimately the decision is hers to make but she is obviously going to ask for our opinion.
How on earth do you make a decision like this?
I don't know what is wrong with me. I can usually cope with anything life throws at me, both my sister and daughter-in-law have battled cancer in the last 5 years and have leant on me heavily, but with this I am really struggling.
I am sorry this post is so long. I think I have been bottling it all up for so long that as soon as I started to write it down it all came flooding out.
I just wanted to post an update of my previous thread and ask for some more advice please.
To summarise my Mum has been diagnosed with kidney cancer which thankfully hadn't spread as they first thought.
She has since had an array of tests and he advised that surgery would be a last resort with Mum because of her other health issues and the best advice was to monitor it for the time being.
On our last visit to the consultant we were told that the cancer has continued to grow and that he now needed to see her every 4 months when previously it was at 6 monthly intervals.
He also intimated that at her next appointment it would be time for her to make a decision as the tumour was now entering the 'danger' zone when it is likely that it will spread.
He has taken advice from all those involved in mums care and the general consensus is that a removal of the kidney is the only option she has. However, there is a 1 in 10 chance that she will not survive the operation and even if she does there is a 1 in 10 chance that she will not be strong enough to recover from the trauma of such a large operation and in his words will not leave the hospital.
If by some miracle she survives everything the function of her other kidney is so poor that she will need dialysis for the rest of her life.
The other option is that she just leaves it be with the inevitable result.
Her appointment is not until the 7th November but I am taking her for her MRI scan on Wednesday and it has suddenly hit me hard of the life-changing decision she (and we as a family) are facing. I know that ultimately the decision is hers to make but she is obviously going to ask for our opinion.
How on earth do you make a decision like this?
I don't know what is wrong with me. I can usually cope with anything life throws at me, both my sister and daughter-in-law have battled cancer in the last 5 years and have leant on me heavily, but with this I am really struggling.
I am sorry this post is so long. I think I have been bottling it all up for so long that as soon as I started to write it down it all came flooding out.
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Comments
Never easy and i think the reason why you are struggling now is because you have had 5 years of people leaning on you. you need someone to lean on yourself I think, someone to talk to. Have you ever thought about talking to MacMillan?
http://www.macmillan.org.uk/HowWeCanHelp/HowWeCanHelp.aspx
sorry i could not be of more help.
I didn't know I could talk to someone from Macmillan, I thought that was only for the patient themselves.
Please look after yourself or you will be no use to anyone else.
I cant advise you about decisions but whatever they are I wish you and your Mum well.
I would be focusing on the positives, in that there is a 9/10 chance she will get through thepossible operation, and a 9/10 chance she will recover from the op.
74 according to the other thread.
I would speak to Macmillans Molly, they are a great help.
I'd only add that seeing my gran deal with such descions at the end of her life was no mean feat, it can take a heavy toll, and she'll need a good support system, my gran decided to let the dice roll so to speak.. she had some surgery but didn't want to spend years in pain with further surgeries, etc to prolong her life by 'a little' as she was told, she fought on well for several years and passed quickly and peacefully. It's a very personal decision to make, I'd do my best to discuss the options but ultimately listen to what would make her happiest and support how you can, best of luck.
I think you must remember, as people have said, to look after yourself too. People will want you to lean on them, especially the ones you've helped. Your mum too will know how you're feeling.
I see what you are saying by the 9 in 10 chance but the consultant says this is a huge risk as someone in good health would have a 1 in many hundreds risk. I hope that makes sense, its harder to write than to say. He really does not seem keen on doing and operation at all and as I said she would need dialysis afterwards as her other kidney function is only 15%. He thinks she would only survive a few months on that anyway.
It just seems hopeless any which way.
I don't really have anyone else to lean on as they are all so used to leaning on me.
The Macmillan website has a forum, too, which we've been told can be a great source of information and advice, too, although I haven't looked at it yet.
I am going to take a look at the website now and see what I can find.
I'm sorry i am just a bit emotional today.
I'm not surprised you're emotional. The shock is terrible. I hope Macmillan can help even a little bit and can you tell someone in your family that you need some support? You're due it, by the sound of it.
I'll check back in later and thank you so much to everyone who has replied.
It certainly helps.
James Whale has a kidney cancer charity complete with forums after he was diagnosed a few years ago. Lots of helpful info on there.
Good luck.
Thank you for all the websites, I have bookmarked them all for reading.
I just wanted to post again before I go to bed. I know its early but its been a pig of a day and tomorrow I will be at the hospital for hours with Mum while she has her scan.
When I arrived home from the doctors my husband told me that my (other) son had rung. His wife, my other daughter-in-law has been to the doctors today as she has found a lump in her breast. She has an appointment at the hospital in 2 weeks time, so I have been trying to reassure both of them as best I can over the phone. They live in Yorkshire so not close enough for me to go and give them both hugs much as I 'd like to.
He also rang earlier today that they had been to the solicitors today to sign paperwork as they are due to move house in 2 weeks time. 15 minutes after they arrived home they got a phone call to say that the woman buying there house was pulling out. They are all packed and ready to go, poor things.
So not a very good day all told. Happy Days.
My deepest prayers go out to you I wouldn't wish those feelings on anyone.
We stayed there with him all day every day and on the final night we were so excited as they said he was well enough to be weaned off the sedation the following morning and he would wake up. I just wanted him to look at me and know I was there and to tell him I loved him.
We left at 9pm and at midnight we received a phone call telling us to go straight back to the hospital. Half an hour later he died holding my hand. He never did wake up.
Maybe my problem is that everyone sees me as being so strong and capable and I have a hard time asking for help myself. Maybe its time I did.
Anyway, I really am going to bed now, as they say tomorrow is another day.
PS I have just been reading excerts from Lynda Bellinghams book and that lady is so brave and courageous to make the decision she has, who on earth am I to feel sorry for myself. It certainly puts things into perspective.
Who couldn't be moved by you, your family's situation and more importantly your Mum's.
Reading your posts it would appear to me that you have time with your Mother to be there, to say things, time you didn't have with your Dad.
Your Mother is 74 and her life maybe nearing it's end.
Given her health problems, I think what her consultants, your family might want to focus on is no pain.
No matter how long Mum has left, end of life to be so much better with good pain management control in place, it won't ease all discomfort but pain management will take care of most of it..
Given what little options your Mum has, IMO pain control and not prolonging the inevitable, if that is the case, is the thing to have in place,---more then anything else.
XX
Nice post, I know how she feels. It's hellish.