Oh dear, tricky situation! You've done everything you can do, but 14-year old girls can be VERY difficult, particularly when they think they're in love! She's been bad, but most teenagers have done something similar at some point. This boy must be very keen on her to walk 12 miles through the snow to see her! I should think this relationship will play out in its own time, so maybe you shouldn't make too big a deal out of it? So long as they're not sleeping together (I would go nuts if my underage daughter was having sex, but that's a different story really) then it's quite innocent at the moment. I think if you turn it into a big Romeo and Juliet style forbidden love thing, you risk making it seem more attractive to both of them and then it will drag on for longer than it otherwise might. Ultimately, your daughter will tire of the 'bad boy' thing one way or another, it's just a bit of nice-girl rebellion as far as I can see, and she really doesn't sound like a bad kid.
Not wanting to put down the op'er or her daughter but your daughter has hardly got a good head on her shoulders if she is dating someone like that! :eek:
I seen another thread where a father of a 17 year old daughter in germany cut off the bits of the 57 year old pervert with the help of two friends.
I'm just so torn about it all, I don't want her within a million miles of him but like you've said, he's bloody persistent to walk that far to see her.
He says he loves her on FB all the time, and she says she loves him too. But I thought I 'loved' boys at 14 all the time.
I just think if she hadn't messed up then the situation would have been manageable, but because I made it so clear that if she stepped out of line then that would be the end of that, then if I go back on that she'll think she can get away with stuff in the future.
But then again by me being heavy handed it's going to make them more persistent. The friend H is no longer with the cousin, which means I doubt the cousin will want to walk all the way here again, now he's not meeting H at the same time. H by the way was un-grounded within 3 days. :mad: Absolutely furious about that.
As for them sleeping together, it has crossed my mind more than once. Some of her friends, the same age, sleep with boys all the time so I'd be totally naive to think it's not a possibility. I've asked her and she said no, but I can't see he saying any differently really.
Not wanting to put down the op'er or her daughter but your daughter has hardly got a good head on her shoulders if she is dating someone like that! :eek:
I seen another thread where a father of a 17 year old daughter in germany cut off the bits of the 57 year old pervert with the help of two friends.
You could try this too.
I agree (with the first bit!) she has, in all other aspects of her life, got a good head on her shoulders, but seems to have completely lost the plot over this boy. He posted on her FB wall this morning that he's just been let out of the cells, so obviously got arrested again.
I've read it all! it was a mistake to let her go to the city but you know that much. I have to say in his defence that if he would walk 12 miles just to see her then it probably is true that he loves her. I bet it took him 4 hours! Have you asked her whether she thinks she loves him or whether she has told him the same?
Actually I think it was a good desicion that she was allowed to go into the city.
PC gave her some trust, she ultimately abused it and misbehaved - BUT (and this is the crucial bit) that now makes any punishment such as grounding, laptop banning etc totally justifiable - it's a fair punishment. Apparently the daughter took the punishment on the chin which shows she accepts she did wrong.
IMO the wrong road to go down is when you start punishing kids for what they MIGHT do, i.e. if PC had stopped her daughter going to the city before this incident then I bet the daughter would have been very upset. At least now even if she's unhappy she knows why she's not being trusted.
Oh and by the way I'd bet that the boy didn't walk 2 miles, let alone 12.
I agree (with the first bit!) she has, in all other aspects of her life, got a good head on her shoulders, but seems to have completely lost the plot over this boy. He posted on her FB wall this morning that he's just been let out of the cells, so obviously got arrested again.
Oh Poppy, you poor thing, you must be in bits.
Until your last post I was going to suggest that you allow them to see each other in your house, only in the living room, with family around - popping in and out constantly. They will not enjoy that, but it gives them time, under slight pressure, to fall out:o.
At least then YOU are in control of the situation, and you know that she can't come to any harm. Whilst ever they are in a 'forbidden' relationship it adds excitment and devilment to the situation - which at they age is a heady mix.
After reading your last post however I'd want to wrap her in cotton wool and never allow her to leave my sight. I'm sorry that I can't add anything constructive. I would hate to be in your position.
I agree (with the first bit!) she has, in all other aspects of her life, got a good head on her shoulders, but seems to have completely lost the plot over this boy. He posted on her FB wall this morning that he's just been let out of the cells, so obviously got arrested again.
She is 14 and she was out at 11.20pm having said she would be back by 8pm. I would keep her grounded. He will get very bored if all there is is emails and FB. And as for the fact that he walked 12 miles? Hmmm. Not sure I would believe that!
If she gets in with a bad crowd at this stage in her life she could screw everything up.
Poppycat, I think you've handled the situation extremely well TBH. You showed you trusted her, she abused it, so you grounded her and she knows she did wrong. Chaperoning would be a good first step. Have you got anyone who could do this? Hopefully given time of having a chaperone will mean it will fizzle out.....
Actually I think it was a good desicion that she was allowed to go into the city.
PC gave her some trust, she ultimately abused it and misbehaved - BUT (and this is the crucial bit) that now makes any punishment such as grounding, laptop banning etc totally justifiable - it's a fair punishment. Apparently the daughter took the punishment on the chin which shows she accepts she did wrong.
IMO the wrong road to go down is when you start punishing kids for what they MIGHT do, i.e. if PC had stopped her daughter going to the city before this incident then I bet the daughter would have been very upset. At least now even if she's unhappy she knows why she's not being trusted.
Oh and by the way I'd bet that the boy didn't walk 2 miles, let alone 12.
That's how I saw it, and that was her main argument about not seeing him in the first place, that I was punishing her when she hadn't done anything wrong. And yes, at least now she knows there's a damn good reason why she's grounded!
Until your last post I was going to suggest that you allow them to see each other in your house, only in the living room, with family around - popping in and out constantly. They will not enjoy that, but it gives them time, under slight pressure, to fall out:o.
At least then YOU are in control of the situation, and you know that she can't come to any harm. Whilst ever they are in a 'forbidden' relationship it adds excitment and devilment to the situation - which at they age is a heady mix.
After reading your last post however I'd want to wrap her in cotton wool and never allow her to leave my sight. I'm sorry that I can't add anything constructive. I would hate to be in your position.
I did think about this option, but to be honest I don't know if I could bear to have that cretin in my house, and I don't know if she'd even go along with that if I gave her that option.
She is 14 and she was out at 11.20pm having said she would be back by 8pm. I would keep her grounded. He will get very bored if all there is is emails and FB. And as for the fact that he walked 12 miles? Hmmm. Not sure I would believe that!
If she gets in with a bad crowd at this stage in her life she could screw everything up.
Yes I believe he did walk, him and the cousin started off on bikes but he got a puncture so abandoned the bike not far from the start of the journey and picked it up on the way back. I saw a conversation between him and the cousin discussing it.
Your last sentence is my main worry, that this will be the start of her going down the wrong path in her life.
To top it all, I've just had one heck of a scare. The post jsut arrived and there was a letter from her school, saying she had been put on report for attendance and behaviour reasons.
I phoned the school straight away and spoke to her tutor, turns out it was an admin error!!! There is a girl in her form with the same first name and similar surname and she's the one on report, not my daughter.
I took the opportunity to have a bit of a chat with her tutor who said there were no problems, but I told him about the boyfriend situation and that I was concerned about it spilling over into her school life. He is going to arrange something for monday, to have a chat with my daughter and the school counsellor but he said that he has no concerns with her behaviour at school so that's the one bit of good news I've had in a while!
tbh id let her carry on seeing him...we need to make our own mistakes to learn from them....
they are just kids, do you really think it will last? or do you think he will get bored of her, move on, maybe leave her heartbroken for a few weeks....
if he really isnt a nice boy, he WILL end up hurting her. maybe this needs to happen so she realises things herself.
(of course, at the same time you need to be thinking of keeping her safe, enforcing the pill may be a horrible thought now but better in the long term!
That's how I saw it, and that was her main argument about not seeing him in the first place, that I was punishing her when she hadn't done anything wrong. And yes, at least now she knows there's a damn good reason why she's grounded!
I did think about this option, but to be honest I don't know if I could bear to have that cretin in my house, and I don't know if she'd even go along with that if I gave her that option.
Yes I believe he did walk, him and the cousin started off on bikes but he got a puncture so abandoned the bike not far from the start of the journey and picked it up on the way back. I saw a conversation between him and the cousin discussing it.
Your last sentence is my main worry, that this will be the start of her going down the wrong path in her life.
To top it all, I've just had one heck of a scare. The post jsut arrived and there was a letter from her school, saying she had been put on report for attendance and behaviour reasons.
I phoned the school straight away and spoke to her tutor, turns out it was an admin error!!! There is a girl in her form with the same first name and similar surname and she's the one on report, not my daughter.
I took the opportunity to have a bit of a chat with her tutor who said there were no problems, but I told him about the boyfriend situation and that I was concerned about it spilling over into her school life. He is going to arrange something for monday, to have a chat with my daughter and the school counsellor but he said that he has no concerns with her behaviour at school so that's the one bit of good news I've had in a while!
I have a 14 year old girl as well and I dont think she would ever tell me anything again if she found out that I spoke to the school about her private life, especially if she was not having any problem at school. is she aware that she has a 'chat' coming up with her tutor/counsellor at school on Monday?
btw I think you have dealt with the situation so far brilliantly but it looks as if this boy is quite determined to see your daughter and I think that this could be a very trying period for you in the next few weeks as you can't keep her grounded indefinitely.
I know you don't want this boy in your house but in the long run, I think as the saying goes "its better to keep your friends close but your enemys closer" something you might consider. At least you will be able to supervise the meetings and hopefully he will get bored of only being able to meet up with her in a controlled environment.
As for the friend situation, I would not let my daughter ever have a sleepover with her again as her parents obviously have a very different parenting style to yours.
I have banned my daughter from staying or going round to one of her friends houses because her parents allowed her to have a sleepover party with boys included (which she lied to me and other parents about as she knew I would not have let my daughter go) and what happened there is another story!
Hopefully this boy will disappoint your daughter in some way and she will move on and find a more suitable boyfriend
I am finding that this period in my daughters age is a bit of a minefield and we are often at war with each other as she thinks she should be allowed to do things that her friends do...most of which i don't!
I did think about this option, but to be honest I don't know if I could bear to have that cretin in my house, and I don't know if she'd even go along with that if I gave her that option.
So you're more worried about what they will get up to semi-supervised in your living room for a few hours than what they would get up to 'hanging about' in town unsupervised?
I think you've handled it really well Poppycat. I agree with the poster who says that now she's done this you have the opportunity to take strong action.
I'm sorry I don't buy all this idea that it's best to let her see him, it's nonsense!
If my 14 year old daughter was associating with someone in trouble with the police, her life would be over until she grew up. If it meant grounding her for an entire year then, fine.
Her choice indicates she is immature for 14. I would tell her if she says you're "punishing her when she's done nothing wrong" - that she *is* doing something wrong: she's making unwise choices that put her in danger & until she shows more maturity you have no choice but to step in.
I knew a girl killed in a joy-riding accident when she was 13/14 - it was her bf who took the car - there were 4 of them - all killed.
She was a nice girl she just got involved with stupid kids. I was never personally interested in numbskull asbo chavs myself, nor should your daughter be. If she doesn't have the sense to see it herself, then you'll just have to teach her.
Just to the last poster, if they're NOT sleeping together I'd be freaking amazed.
Most kids at 14 are virgins. Nearly all of my friends were, and it seems like 20 years down the line, most kids still are. What's the average age--17 for a first time experience?
OP, you tried your best and dealt with things much better than I think I would have dealt with them.
I wouldn't put much stock in the love thing either. They are both young kids and while the love they feel is probably real, you and I and every other adult on this thread who has been a teenager knows how often we've been in love.
Perhaps this will all fizzle out over Christmas.
I agree with Christa, and evamoo, I'm sorry, but your advice is not anything I would dream of doing. They are just kids, and as such, it's up to the parents to make sure their kids make as few mistakes as possible. It's one thing to date an arse of a guy when you are 18, 19, 20 years old. Dating an arse of a guy at 14 can screw up your life forever. I've seen it happen; it's happened in my family.
I'm old fashioned, but I don't believe in having boyfriends until you're 16. I really wouldn't want my sons dating before then and I just don't believe in serious relationships as teenagers. It's an unpopular opinion, I know.
Comments
Oh, I dunno. I don't think every kid acts like something out of Skins!
I seen another thread where a father of a 17 year old daughter in germany cut off the bits of the 57 year old pervert with the help of two friends.
You could try this too.
I'm just so torn about it all, I don't want her within a million miles of him but like you've said, he's bloody persistent to walk that far to see her.
He says he loves her on FB all the time, and she says she loves him too. But I thought I 'loved' boys at 14 all the time.
I just think if she hadn't messed up then the situation would have been manageable, but because I made it so clear that if she stepped out of line then that would be the end of that, then if I go back on that she'll think she can get away with stuff in the future.
But then again by me being heavy handed it's going to make them more persistent. The friend H is no longer with the cousin, which means I doubt the cousin will want to walk all the way here again, now he's not meeting H at the same time. H by the way was un-grounded within 3 days. :mad: Absolutely furious about that.
As for them sleeping together, it has crossed my mind more than once. Some of her friends, the same age, sleep with boys all the time so I'd be totally naive to think it's not a possibility. I've asked her and she said no, but I can't see he saying any differently really.
I agree (with the first bit!) she has, in all other aspects of her life, got a good head on her shoulders, but seems to have completely lost the plot over this boy. He posted on her FB wall this morning that he's just been let out of the cells, so obviously got arrested again.
Actually I think it was a good desicion that she was allowed to go into the city.
PC gave her some trust, she ultimately abused it and misbehaved - BUT (and this is the crucial bit) that now makes any punishment such as grounding, laptop banning etc totally justifiable - it's a fair punishment. Apparently the daughter took the punishment on the chin which shows she accepts she did wrong.
IMO the wrong road to go down is when you start punishing kids for what they MIGHT do, i.e. if PC had stopped her daughter going to the city before this incident then I bet the daughter would have been very upset. At least now even if she's unhappy she knows why she's not being trusted.
Oh and by the way I'd bet that the boy didn't walk 2 miles, let alone 12.
Oh Poppy, you poor thing, you must be in bits.
Until your last post I was going to suggest that you allow them to see each other in your house, only in the living room, with family around - popping in and out constantly. They will not enjoy that, but it gives them time, under slight pressure, to fall out:o.
At least then YOU are in control of the situation, and you know that she can't come to any harm. Whilst ever they are in a 'forbidden' relationship it adds excitment and devilment to the situation - which at they age is a heady mix.
After reading your last post however I'd want to wrap her in cotton wool and never allow her to leave my sight. I'm sorry that I can't add anything constructive. I would hate to be in your position.
She is 14 and she was out at 11.20pm having said she would be back by 8pm. I would keep her grounded. He will get very bored if all there is is emails and FB. And as for the fact that he walked 12 miles? Hmmm. Not sure I would believe that!
If she gets in with a bad crowd at this stage in her life she could screw everything up.
That's how I saw it, and that was her main argument about not seeing him in the first place, that I was punishing her when she hadn't done anything wrong. And yes, at least now she knows there's a damn good reason why she's grounded!
I did think about this option, but to be honest I don't know if I could bear to have that cretin in my house, and I don't know if she'd even go along with that if I gave her that option.
Yes I believe he did walk, him and the cousin started off on bikes but he got a puncture so abandoned the bike not far from the start of the journey and picked it up on the way back. I saw a conversation between him and the cousin discussing it.
Your last sentence is my main worry, that this will be the start of her going down the wrong path in her life.
To top it all, I've just had one heck of a scare. The post jsut arrived and there was a letter from her school, saying she had been put on report for attendance and behaviour reasons.
I phoned the school straight away and spoke to her tutor, turns out it was an admin error!!! There is a girl in her form with the same first name and similar surname and she's the one on report, not my daughter.
I took the opportunity to have a bit of a chat with her tutor who said there were no problems, but I told him about the boyfriend situation and that I was concerned about it spilling over into her school life. He is going to arrange something for monday, to have a chat with my daughter and the school counsellor but he said that he has no concerns with her behaviour at school so that's the one bit of good news I've had in a while!
they are just kids, do you really think it will last? or do you think he will get bored of her, move on, maybe leave her heartbroken for a few weeks....
if he really isnt a nice boy, he WILL end up hurting her. maybe this needs to happen so she realises things herself.
(of course, at the same time you need to be thinking of keeping her safe, enforcing the pill may be a horrible thought now but better in the long term!
Nah he got the bus I bet.;)
I have a 14 year old girl as well and I dont think she would ever tell me anything again if she found out that I spoke to the school about her private life, especially if she was not having any problem at school. is she aware that she has a 'chat' coming up with her tutor/counsellor at school on Monday?
btw I think you have dealt with the situation so far brilliantly but it looks as if this boy is quite determined to see your daughter and I think that this could be a very trying period for you in the next few weeks as you can't keep her grounded indefinitely.
I know you don't want this boy in your house but in the long run, I think as the saying goes "its better to keep your friends close but your enemys closer" something you might consider. At least you will be able to supervise the meetings and hopefully he will get bored of only being able to meet up with her in a controlled environment.
As for the friend situation, I would not let my daughter ever have a sleepover with her again as her parents obviously have a very different parenting style to yours.
I have banned my daughter from staying or going round to one of her friends houses because her parents allowed her to have a sleepover party with boys included (which she lied to me and other parents about as she knew I would not have let my daughter go) and what happened there is another story!
Hopefully this boy will disappoint your daughter in some way and she will move on and find a more suitable boyfriend
I am finding that this period in my daughters age is a bit of a minefield and we are often at war with each other as she thinks she should be allowed to do things that her friends do...most of which i don't!
I'm sorry I don't buy all this idea that it's best to let her see him, it's nonsense!
If my 14 year old daughter was associating with someone in trouble with the police, her life would be over until she grew up. If it meant grounding her for an entire year then, fine.
Her choice indicates she is immature for 14. I would tell her if she says you're "punishing her when she's done nothing wrong" - that she *is* doing something wrong: she's making unwise choices that put her in danger & until she shows more maturity you have no choice but to step in.
I knew a girl killed in a joy-riding accident when she was 13/14 - it was her bf who took the car - there were 4 of them - all killed.
She was a nice girl she just got involved with stupid kids. I was never personally interested in numbskull asbo chavs myself, nor should your daughter be. If she doesn't have the sense to see it herself, then you'll just have to teach her.
Most kids at 14 are virgins. Nearly all of my friends were, and it seems like 20 years down the line, most kids still are. What's the average age--17 for a first time experience?
OP, you tried your best and dealt with things much better than I think I would have dealt with them.
I wouldn't put much stock in the love thing either. They are both young kids and while the love they feel is probably real, you and I and every other adult on this thread who has been a teenager knows how often we've been in love.
Perhaps this will all fizzle out over Christmas.
I agree with Christa, and evamoo, I'm sorry, but your advice is not anything I would dream of doing. They are just kids, and as such, it's up to the parents to make sure their kids make as few mistakes as possible. It's one thing to date an arse of a guy when you are 18, 19, 20 years old. Dating an arse of a guy at 14 can screw up your life forever. I've seen it happen; it's happened in my family.
I'm old fashioned, but I don't believe in having boyfriends until you're 16. I really wouldn't want my sons dating before then and I just don't believe in serious relationships as teenagers. It's an unpopular opinion, I know.