Is it okay to "refuse" to be a pallbearer at a funeral?

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  • tiacattiacat Posts: 22,521
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    The truth would have been fine if the family understood and accepted the situation. Having to explain and defend your anxieties just compounds it all. I would have told a small white lie and lived with it.

    The bit (above) about being able to get a job so this twenty minute task is nothing - it doesn't necessarily work like that. I go to work every day and deal with most aspects of it just fine. But I couldn't, for example, go to a party where I didn't know many people. Also, I managed to stand up in front of everyone and do a reading at my brother's funeral but couldn't speak up at all when I forced myself to attend a school PTA meeting. I can't speak for the OP, but my anxieties manifest themselves in different ways.

    Same here, Im very competent at my job which most people would struggle with, lots of formal public speaking etc, but I cant go to leaving dos or anything like that.
  • gamez-fangamez-fan Posts: 2,201
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    Shadow2009 wrote: »
    Did the person let everyone know in advance or did they pull out last minute? Was anyone mad at all at them for pulling out?

    Thanks for the advice.

    It was mentioned they'd pulled out 2 days before the funeral and would i like to do it no one was angry they understood not everyone can do this but of course every family is different
  • LyceumLyceum Posts: 3,399
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    When I organised my mothers funeral I asked her brother, brother in law and two nephews to carry her. On the day itself I honestly have no memory of the coffin being carried never mind who was carrying it.

    But when I asked I did say that if for any reason what so ever at all they felt they didn't want to do it that they didn't need to explain or feel bad, even if they said yes and changed their mind on the day I was 100% okay with that. Because to be honest I realised it was a big ask. And it's not something everyone is comfortable with and had that been the case it was made clear that would have been 100% okay.

    So say no. You don't need to explain yourself. Just respectfully decline then go and pay your respects as you would anyway. If someone has an issue with that it's their issue. Don't let it effect you.
  • funnierinmyheadfunnierinmyhead Posts: 487
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    I'm sorry for your loss.

    Please let someone know, firmly, that you are not able to be a pallbearer - in advance of the funeral. Then, grieve in your own way. Being a pallbearer has no impact on whether you are a 'real' man or not, or are honouring or not your gran in any way. Some people understand social anxiety but, I think, most people do not understand, but try not to let their ignorance make you feel worse. If you've made it clear in advance that you are not able to do it, you will not create any difficulties, whoever is organising the funeral will have enough time to find another family member or professional for fulfill the role.
  • BrigonBrigon Posts: 2,864
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    It's your gran, just be one of the bearers at the back, so you won't feel so self concious. I guarantee I am shyer than you, and I was one of the bearers for my grandad's funeral. It's literally 2 minutes at the start of the service and 2 minutes at the end. Where you basically carry the coffin in and place it down where you are told to put it. Then at the end of the service you carry it back to the hearse. You may be asked to carry it at the crematorium as well, but as that point there is no audience.

    I was more focussed on keeping the coffin at the right height and less rocky movements, than the attendees. I don't think I even looked at the people in the church while I was carrying it in, as I was so focussed on getting the coffin to where it was needed correctly.
  • funnierinmyheadfunnierinmyhead Posts: 487
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    Brigon wrote: »
    It's your gran, just be one of the bearers at the back, so you won't feel so self concious. I guarantee I am shyer than you, and I was one of the bearers for my grandad's funeral. It's literally 2 minutes at the start of the service and 2 minutes at the end. Where you basically carry the coffin in and place it down where you are told to put it. Then at the end of the service you carry it back to the hearse. You may be asked to carry it at the crematorium as well, but as that point there is no audience.

    I was more focussed on keeping the coffin at the right height and less rocky movements, than the attendees. I don't think I even looked at the people in the church while I was carrying it in, as I was so focussed on getting the coffin to where it was needed correctly.

    It sounds like you don't have the same degree of social anxiety as the OP actually. How could you possibly guarantee otherwise?
  • debdawdebdaw Posts: 91
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    Have you thought of seeing a doctor about your anxiety in general? I was prescribed Sertraline for chronic generalised anxiety and I've found it like-changing. Even disregarding the issue of your Gran's funeral, you may want to consider getting some sort of medical help for the future. It's really not a lot of fun living with disabling anxiety, but there are things that can be done about it.
  • RandomSallyRandomSally Posts: 7,068
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    Shadow2009 wrote: »
    Thank you for defending me.

    I've had anxiety for years. Sometimes it's been crippling (family related events, public speaking) and sometimes it's oddly been pretty fine (job interviews, starting college). Even though I'm at college I haven't made any friends and barely speak to the people in my classes, and while I've had jobs I also spent weeks "analyzing" and preparing myself to work a cash register, which thankfully I didn't have to do. I have anxiety with phonecalls and refuse to answer my phone unless there's nobody around me, I panic when I have to make a call to an authority figure (dentist, hospital, Jobcentre, college, work, anything) and avoid parties and clubs due to my anxiety.

    Funerals have always been my #1 fear. In fact, I made a thread here in 2009 asking for advice on how to lower a coffin, that's how scared I am of funerals. That was almost six years ago and the feelings are still the same. If it was something I could just "get over" I would certainly be doing it to save myself the embarrassment and shame of declining.
    There is no shame in not doing it hun. You shouldn't feel embarrassed or ashamed. It's not a task everyone would want or feel able to do and imo anyone who tries to pressure you into it or make you feel ashamed is acting like a knob.
  • ZentonZenton Posts: 883
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    There is no shame in not doing it hun. You shouldn't feel embarrassed or ashamed. It's not a task everyone would want or feel able to do and imo anyone who tries to pressure you into it or make you feel ashamed is acting like a knob.

    Of course there is shame in not wanting to be a pallbearer. It's a task that's been requested and carries great honour and out of respect for the OPs late Grandmother and family it should be carried out.

    I'd be ashamed to say I wouldn't be capable of performing a relatively straight forward duty if asked by my family. Failure to do as the OP has already said is a duty that's expected he should carry out as his other family members are taking part.

    In my opinion it shows a lack of courage and comes across as being disrespectful.

    Try not to think about the funeral and when the day comes take a Valium and step up to the challenge. You'll feel so much better once it's over.

    Oh, and I used to suffer from social anxiety too. In fact I was pretty much a recluse for years. This was back in the days before forums were widely used and I think now it's so easy to seek comfort and find enablers who offer sympathy and support without being direct and allowing individuals to tackle their problems head on. I overcame my anxiety by approaching these sort of situations directly and not living in fear of outcomes that never materialised.
  • RandomSallyRandomSally Posts: 7,068
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    The OP hasn't actually been asked yet. And tbh I think your post shows a galring lack of understanding of mental health problems, whatever you say about your history.
  • NormandieNormandie Posts: 4,617
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    Zenton wrote: »
    Of course there is shame in not wanting to be a pallbearer. It's a task that's been requested and carries great honour and out of respect for the OPs late Grandmother and family it should be carried out.
    No there isn't. I said this earlier but I'll say it again: what matters is how you treat people when they're alive. This tosh about carrying the coffin or not only has relevance for the living - it has no relevance at all for the dead. Sure, if you feel guilt at your relationship with the deceased in life, carry the coffin but don't think that it makes up for the lifetime relationship - that's what matters. If the OP doesn't want to do it, that is perfectly reasonable and the OP should not be bullied into feeling worse than they already do.
  • GormagonGormagon Posts: 1,473
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    Shadow2009 wrote: »
    I'm afraid I will be asked by my family to be one of the pallbearers at my grandmothers funeral and if I'm asked (extremely likely) then I really, really do not want to do it. I have horrible social anxiety which is even worse with family gatherings and the thought of having any sort of attention on me at the funeral and people looking at me or me having the potential to make a mistake or look awkward makes me feel sick. I feel if I had to refuse this invitation I would look really rude and selfish and "difficult" but I honest to God just can't do it. :cry: I'm terrified of being asked.

    I just want to be in the background as much as possible but how on earth do I say this without sounding disrespectful?

    You say, i am honoured, but I can not.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 10,561
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    Most likely I will be helping to lower the coffin into the grave, which mentally is a much "easier" task for me. Do you still think I'm disrespectful and should be ashamed, Zenton?
  • Sansa_SnowSansa_Snow Posts: 1,217
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    When's the funeral Shadow?
  • CentaurionCentaurion Posts: 2,060
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    Shadow2009 wrote: »
    Most likely I will be helping to lower the coffin into the grave, which mentally is a much "easier" task for me. Do you still think I'm disrespectful and should be ashamed, Zenton?

    I can't pretend to know the precise difference between the anxiety points accrued from walking while resting a coffin on ones shoulders and the anxiety points helping lower a coffin into a grave with a cord.

    I see no difference , you are at the funeral, in full view of all attending it, perhaps the OP can explain this paradox to the uninitiated ???:confused:
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 10,561
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    Centaurion wrote: »
    I can't pretend to know the precise difference between the anxiety points accrued from walking while resting a coffin on ones shoulders and the anxiety points helping lower a coffin into a grave with a cord.

    I see no difference , you are at the funeral, in full view of all attending it, perhaps the OP can explain this paradox to the uninitiated ???:confused:

    The task of lowering the coffin is about 5-10 seconds in front of a small crowd of family members and is a much easier task (simply letting a cord slip through your hands) as opposed to walking through a crowded church carrying a coffin, putting it into a hearse, taking it out of the hearse at the graveside and then carriyng it to the grave.

    Please tell me you don't think they're both exactly the same and can see why one is more daunting and terrifying than the other.

    edit - @Sansa the funeral is not next week but the following.
  • funnierinmyheadfunnierinmyhead Posts: 487
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    Zenton wrote: »
    Of course there is shame in not wanting to be a pallbearer. It's a task that's been requested and carries great honour and out of respect for the OPs late Grandmother and family it should be carried out.

    I'd be ashamed to say I wouldn't be capable of performing a relatively straight forward duty if asked by my family. Failure to do as the OP has already said is a duty that's expected he should carry out as his other family members are taking part.

    In my opinion it shows a lack of courage and comes across as being disrespectful.

    Try not to think about the funeral and when the day comes take a Valium and step up to the challenge. You'll feel so much better once it's over.

    Oh, and I used to suffer from social anxiety too. In fact I was pretty much a recluse for years. This was back in the days before forums were widely used and I think now it's so easy to seek comfort and find enablers who offer sympathy and support without being direct and allowing individuals to tackle their problems head on. I overcame my anxiety by approaching these sort of situations directly and not living in fear of outcomes that never materialised.

    I'd be ashamed to think like this, let alone have written it.
  • Xela MXela M Posts: 4,710
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    Funerals are horrible occasions and sometimes for the wrong reasons. I don't suffer any kind of social anxiety and I'm quite a confident person, but I can absolutely understand why the OP would find the task stressful. I would never attend a funeral if I wasn't pressured into it by other people. Instead of thinking about the deceased, I end up thinking about what I should say and do and how I look and what people are thinking of what I say/do/how I look. I hate it and I always think I come across as fake because I just find the whole occasion very artificial.
  • Sansa_SnowSansa_Snow Posts: 1,217
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    Shadow2009 wrote: »

    edit - @Sansa the funeral is not next week but the following.

    Oh dear still some time to go then, hope you are not dwelling on it too much, have you decided you are going to refuse if asked?
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 10,561
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    Sansa_Snow wrote: »
    Oh dear still some time to go then, hope you are not dwelling on it too much, have you decided you are going to refuse if asked?

    Yes. :(

    I went to visit a cousin yesterday and was planning on telling her my fears at some point, but other family members started to show up and I ended up being too afraid to say anything/didn't think it was appropriate. I'm going to be visiting some of the family members before the rosary/funeral happens so I hope they'll actually ask me (in private) and I can politely turn it down and explain I would be extremely uncomfortable and want to spend the funeral focusing on the service and my Gran and not spend it panicking about being a pallbearer. I won't mention social anxiety, but will mention anxiety for this particular event.

    I can only hope for the best.
  • ZentonZenton Posts: 883
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    Shadow2009 wrote: »
    Yes. :(

    I went to visit a cousin yesterday and was planning on telling her my fears at some point, but other family members started to show up and I ended up being too afraid to say anything/didn't think it was appropriate. I'm going to be visiting some of the family members before the rosary/funeral happens so I hope they'll actually ask me (in private) and I can politely turn it down and explain I would be extremely uncomfortable and want to spend the funeral focusing on the service and my Gran and not spend it panicking about being a pallbearer. I won't mention social anxiety, but will mention anxiety for this particular event.

    I can only hope for the best.

    I hope all goes well. To be fair, in hindsight, I dont think its that a big of a deal (although your family may think otherwise) and your right, it is better focusing on your Gran than the worry of the task.

    Although I dont think it will be quite as bad as you imagine, its your choice and if your polite hopefully others will respect how you feel.
  • funnierinmyheadfunnierinmyhead Posts: 487
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    Zenton wrote: »
    I hope all goes well. To be fair, in hindsight, I dont think its that a big of a deal (although your family may think otherwise) and your right, it is better focusing on your Gran than the worry of the task.

    Although I dont think it will be quite as bad as you imagine, its your choice and if your polite hopefully others will respect how you feel.

    That's quite a turnabout, where your previous message had the potential to make the OP feel terrible, this one is much more supportive. That's nice to read.
  • ZentonZenton Posts: 883
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    That's quite a turnabout, where your previous message had the potential to make the OP feel terrible, this one is much more supportive. That's nice to read.

    My dad died last year and I remembered how I felt at the funeral which made me think that maybe being a pallbearer isnt such a straight forward task when taking into account emotions. Given that you might be so upset with worry as well as grieving it could be quite an unpleasent time.

    In this technological age it seems a bit of a daft tradition really.
  • Sansa_SnowSansa_Snow Posts: 1,217
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    let us know how you get on, good luck xx
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