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tarotangel
Posts: 1,090 Forum Member
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I'll try and start at the begining.
I moved back home last year and my partner decided it would be sensible to stay south and save up some money before moving up in case it was a while before he got a job so in the meantime I moved in with my parents.
I thought we were doing well until the last couple of weeks where he had been sending far less texts than usual. He hates speaking on the phone. Yesterday wasn't a good day as the hospital called to ask us to come down as Gran isn't getting better. My parter chooses this time to tell me that we have drifted apart and is thinking of splitting up. We've been together for 6 years. He's useless at doing the emotional stuff, he just buries everything. So I listened to him and asked questions for about an hour. He says his feelings have changed towards me and isn't sure if he loves me anymore but can't decide whether to split up or not all he says is "it's difficult" and "it's hard". I thought it might be cold feet about such a big move - a move that he was more wanting that I was last year.
I don't know what to do. We're on the boat tomorrow night and he is off but he's trying not to see me. I keep making suggestions that I will move back down again but he says that I should stay up here as he thinks I'm happier. I've said I wouldn't be happy without you.
I feel that maybe the writing is on the wall and he's too scared to tell me. We've been together for almost 6 1/2 years and I don't want to just leave it without doing something to try and save us.
I don't know what to do I've had a really shit 24 hours with other things happening too.
Does anyone have any sensible advice?
I moved back home last year and my partner decided it would be sensible to stay south and save up some money before moving up in case it was a while before he got a job so in the meantime I moved in with my parents.
I thought we were doing well until the last couple of weeks where he had been sending far less texts than usual. He hates speaking on the phone. Yesterday wasn't a good day as the hospital called to ask us to come down as Gran isn't getting better. My parter chooses this time to tell me that we have drifted apart and is thinking of splitting up. We've been together for 6 years. He's useless at doing the emotional stuff, he just buries everything. So I listened to him and asked questions for about an hour. He says his feelings have changed towards me and isn't sure if he loves me anymore but can't decide whether to split up or not all he says is "it's difficult" and "it's hard". I thought it might be cold feet about such a big move - a move that he was more wanting that I was last year.
I don't know what to do. We're on the boat tomorrow night and he is off but he's trying not to see me. I keep making suggestions that I will move back down again but he says that I should stay up here as he thinks I'm happier. I've said I wouldn't be happy without you.
I feel that maybe the writing is on the wall and he's too scared to tell me. We've been together for almost 6 1/2 years and I don't want to just leave it without doing something to try and save us.
I don't know what to do I've had a really shit 24 hours with other things happening too.
Does anyone have any sensible advice?
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I'm trying to get him to see me when we're down as I want to talk to him before my sisters wedding (why does it all have to happen at once, probably shouldnt' say that but it's how I feel). He's supposed to be coming back up with me and my parents are staying down for an extra week so we'd have time then but get the feeling he's trying to back out of it.
If you're the one who makes the most effort to maintain contact, it could be that you have drifted apart. That's not to say he's got someone else, just that he's got so used to you being away that he might be concerned about how things would work if you were living together again. You've been living with family so you've had a good network around you, but if he's been living on his own, he's had to make a life for himself without you. It might be that he doesn't want to lose/give up what he's now got to get more involved in a relationship that doesn't work out in the end.
If he knows he was expected to go to your sister's wedding, maybe that's also been playing on his mind a bit. When people who've been together a long time go to a family member's wedding, there's often someone who tactlessly say "You'll be next" or "When are you going up the aisle?" If he's not ready for that, he might be dreading that sort of conversation in case all eyes turn on him to propose, & that might have made him look more intensely at your relationship & where it's going.
Saying things like "his feelings have changed" and he is not sure if he loves you any more does not bode well.
IMO - he is saying he no longer wants to be with you but is scared to go it alone.....
Sorry to be blunt OP, but I think with all you have going on in your life now is a time for your partner to love and support you
I have to say though, it sounds like your guy is at least trying to be honest? The timing is crap and what he is saying is unclear but I guess at least that's better than him feeling this way and not telling you?
OP - until you talk to him face to face I don't think things will be any clearer. You need to be able to see him and talk about this in person...
It really doesn't sound good OP. It's hard but you'd be better off making a clean break. (Hugs)
In all honesty, I think this does look like the end. But I wouldn't bother phoning and texting and trying to get him to say so.
You have your Gran and family to think of just now - let him hang as he grows.
He has always hated talking on the 'phone. His Dad is the same and they text message each other every month or so.
As I said he's always buried his emotions even when his Mum died. To my mind he's never really grieved for her just gone on day to day trying to ignore it. One of my friends proffered the suggestion he's cut his emotions a lot (for him) since I've been away and now it's blown up in his face and he's just totally confused now and doesn't know how to deal with it.
I would be very surprised if there were someone else involved it takes him a long time to get involved with people (even making friends).
If it were me, I'd ask him straight out what he wants and how he feels.
I went through a messy break up years ago where the guy kept saying 'I'm not sure what I want' etc and in the end I got so fed up of being messed around I demanded some answers.
He said he'd cheated on me several times, to be honest I don't think he had, I think he was just looking for a way to make it final. Whether he had or not though, it boiled down to the fact he didn't respect me which made it very easy to move on from him.
I really think all you can do is talk frankly about things. Ask him to tell you exactly what he's feeling. You should be able to detect whether he is unhappy with your relationship, or unhappy generally which is having an effect on your relationship.
Either way, I hope you get some answers soon.
We split the day I got south. My Gran died a week later.
He still wants to keep in contact and visit me (I got custody of the cat as he said "I need him more" lol) and wants me to go and visit him.
He has said that he wouldn't rule out us getting back together.
A lot of it was the situation that we were in and the fact that he didn't/doesn't have any friends to vent or speak to. It has been hard for him basically being an unpaid carer on top of a stressful job.
As well as that I still think that he is depressed, much of it stemming from not grieving for his Mum. He didn't used to go out much but would be open to the idea now he seems to have just withdrawn into himself and never goes out at all and is even quittting his bowls which he loves.
If getting back together would be on the cards then I need him to get himself sorted out. I know I'm prone to depression as a lot of other stuff has happened in my life so I'm getting referred for counselling as I'd rather do something about it now rather than ending up at the bottom of the well wondering what the hell has happened. Sounds wussy I know but I think it's the best for me.
I'm also going to apply for a Sheltered House, which means I'll be supported but have a place of my own (& the cats) which I will be able to manage to look after.
Thanks again for all the replies.