When you know about someone else's affair
If you knew about someone who was cheating on their partner, and they are both friends of yours, and you confronted the cheater. If they promised to stop the affair, but carried on a close friendship with their lover (because they say dropping them as a friend would cause suspicion), would you trust them?
And what would you do next?
And what would you do next?
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I thought I was doing the right thing by telling her.
She ditched me as a friend and accused me of stirring things.
I would not tell anyone now if I found out anything.
If I was being cheated on, I'd hope that anyone who knew about it would tell me. If it was later revealed that a friend or family member knew about it, it wouldn't just be my partner who gets cut out of my life...
If it was a really good friend I'd feel no alternative but to tell them.
Huh? I don't know what you mean? There are 3 parties: the cheater, their partner, and the cheater's lover.
It is a very close friend, losing the friendship would have a huge impact. But the alternative means seeing the person regularly, knowing what's been done to them, being chummy with their partner knowing they have/are cheating on them.
It's all a big mess, and I don't think there's any way to come out of it with every relationship in tact, just trying to decide what's right and what's best and what's most important.
Only a thought, you understand, but the cheater shouldn't fall out with you over this, because he/she's totally in the wrong here.
I guess you have to ask yourself would you rather the friendship end because you told a truth that your friend didn't want to hear, or because you kept something hidden from your friend and lost their trust?
Do you have absolute evidence or a multitude of "hearsay"?
Imagine the consequences of acting on gossip which is unfounded.
What are your motives?
Are you genuinely trying to prevent a loved friend from being hurt/ humiliated?
Are you just titillated by the gossip and bursting to be the one who "breaks the news" to someone because it's "the right thing to do" regardless of the fallout.
I think the OP has already done that?
Oh I see! Reading it back, that is implied, yes.
Well, I guess what friendship do you want more? The victim's or the cheater?
If you appreciate the victim's friendship more then I would say tell them, although as its been said before, telling them could end your friendship, but not telling them and being found out could end the friendship too. I wonder if you could ask them subtly if they would want someone to tell them if it was happening? Like relate it to a soap or something???
It also depends on their situation, whether they have kids or not, etc.
Do you know of anyone else who knows about this affair? Maybe you could talk to them? But if not I wouldn't want to involve anyone else, that would definitely reflect badly on you in the end.
Maybe you could confront the cheater's lover? Although that is risky. But if you tell the victim, you need to be sure that there was an affair, if you have any evidence or have seen it with you own eyes. But then the victim could deny it and you lose the friendship (but then its their loss, not much of a friend).
However, if you prefer the friendship with the cheater, then say nothing and keep out. But in the end, I think it just depends on your moral compass.
You ask "if they promised to stop the affair but carried on a close friendship with their lover....".
Sorry but that's just not good enough. Only the most naive would be taken in by "oh we've stopped shagging each other we are just good friends now". So the answer to your question of 'trust' is a resounding NO!
I agree, I have know some women who know their husbands are cheating on them but have chosen to ignore it. In one case I think she doesn't want to lose the the income he brings to the marriage and knows these are just flings. I myself would not stand for it but then again I don't like sharing anything ;-)
I know many a woman who turns a blind eye to what their man is getting up to.
Usually as they have no wish to lose the lifestyle they are in and all that goes with that.
The friend I mentioned earlier knew about what her man was getting up to.
She did not welcome the fact that I told her at all.
She distanced herself from me after that and remained with her man.
I aired my views on this subject on another thread and was jumped on from a great height. I do believe that no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors of someone else's relationship. Not everyone wants to hear the truth, especially if there may be young children involved. People can and do get over affairs if they want to. Sorry Summer Breeze this isn't a dig at you. This is the reason I would NEVER tell anyone else what I think may be going on.
Hmm always tricky, I'm a bit confused are they both cheaters?
I'd feel slightly compelled to say something due the risk of STI's being passed on, I don't think i could sit there knowing what the other partner might bringing home whilst they are at home thinking everything is okay, possibly looking after that persons children , whilst they are behaving like a single person
very cruel,
It is a valid point though about not being blamed and disbelieved, you're not the bad guy here and don't want to be made to feel that way.
hmm, is the other one suspicious at all?
Unless there is some really compelling reason that you need to tell someone about it (and you need to be honest with yourself about your motives for doing it), then I'd be tempted to keep quiet. Just because it's the 'right thing to do' is not reason enough.
That ship has sailed by the sound of it you already waded in by confronting the cheater. I would personally stay out of it as you will probably end up coming out of it worse than any other party.
I agree now.
I was young when I told her.
I would not at all now.
I was told that my ex OH had been seeing someone when he was with me after we divorced.
I am glad I did not know then and I wish the person who told me afterwards had not told me after either.
The fact that she didn't tell me ruined our friendship. I understand she was in a very difficult situation, but I just couldn't trust her again.
I just felt like a complete fool. I couldn't get it out of my head that she'd known about it all along. I kept thinking of times I'd talked to her about my boyfriend, about good and bad things like arguments we'd had, or when I'd said things were going well, and felt that we might have a serious future together. Even things like when I'd suggested we go out because he was working away, when she knew there was a good chance he was not working away at all! I think I even once said to her that I knew he would never cheat, because he loved me too much.
I wish she'd have told me. It was bad enough being made a fool of by my partner, but I also felt so humiliated about all the conversations I'd had with her.
I just couldn't confide in her about anything again, even though I know she didn't mean to hurt me. The fact that she sat there and listened while knowing the truth just meant I didn't trust her anymore.
So, if anyone asks whether they should say anything, my advice would always be yes.
Same thing happened with me. Unless it was family or my very closest friends, I wouldn't bother.