How do I shake off a clingy friend?
The Wizard
Posts: 11,071 Forum Member
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Ages ago I got friends with a woman who gets in our local workingmens club and she seemed really nice. She has bi-polar so I shared my experiences of also having depression issues and she seemed nice company to go and sit with whenever I went in. She hasn't got any other friends but now I know why.
One night me and my wife got invited back to her house and we talked about going out together (as a threesome) sometime so I exchanged mobile numbers with her. After that she would occasionally text me asking how I was and telling me about her day and I texted her a few times while I was on holiday just to tell her what we were up to. I thought nothing of this then she started texting me weird messages late at night like 3 in the morning. Miss you, thinking about you lots xxx etc. My wife heard my phone go off and saw this message and it almost caused a big row. I assured her there was nothing going on and we were just friends but she seemed to be getting weird and my wife suggested that I should distance myself from her. One night I went in the club and stood talking to someone else and the next thing she was bombarding me with several messages asking me why I wasn't speaking to her and said stuff like, "what have I don't yo offend you" like I wasn't able to talk to anyone else. She was going on like a jealous ex girlfriend. Rather than simply walk over and ask me. It was weird and irrational.
I decided to distance from her as this was bordering on obsessive/posessive and it was starting to freak me out. I realise she had mental health issues but this was making me feel uncomfortable. I made an excuse that I was I having a new phone with a new number and my dad was having my old one so told her to delete my number. Once she'd done this I didn't set foot in the club again and have kept away from the place to avoid her. I haven't seen her in months then last week I saw her on the bus while I was out with my son and she got off at the same stop as me and tried to walk with me but I made an excuse I was busy and had to go. A few days later she looked me up on Facebook. I'm only on there because I'm a member of a few groups just to stay in touch with what's going on. I haven't added any friends and don't put any info on there. Since then she's been bombarding me with messages at silly hours of the morning. I've tried to ignore her but tonight she sent me 5 in a row saying stuff like, "Can't stop thinking about you since I saw you on the bus" "really miss you xx" and "want to be friends, no strings". What's that supposed to mean? Of course there's no strings I'm bloody married.
I've since sent her a message back telling her to stop with the obsession with me and explained why I'd tried to distance myself from her and have blocked her but she seems so mentally and emotionally unstable I fear she may try to cause trouble and she knows where we live. I don't like falling out with people but don't know how to shake her off. She seems obsessed with me and I think she could be dangerous.
One night me and my wife got invited back to her house and we talked about going out together (as a threesome) sometime so I exchanged mobile numbers with her. After that she would occasionally text me asking how I was and telling me about her day and I texted her a few times while I was on holiday just to tell her what we were up to. I thought nothing of this then she started texting me weird messages late at night like 3 in the morning. Miss you, thinking about you lots xxx etc. My wife heard my phone go off and saw this message and it almost caused a big row. I assured her there was nothing going on and we were just friends but she seemed to be getting weird and my wife suggested that I should distance myself from her. One night I went in the club and stood talking to someone else and the next thing she was bombarding me with several messages asking me why I wasn't speaking to her and said stuff like, "what have I don't yo offend you" like I wasn't able to talk to anyone else. She was going on like a jealous ex girlfriend. Rather than simply walk over and ask me. It was weird and irrational.
I decided to distance from her as this was bordering on obsessive/posessive and it was starting to freak me out. I realise she had mental health issues but this was making me feel uncomfortable. I made an excuse that I was I having a new phone with a new number and my dad was having my old one so told her to delete my number. Once she'd done this I didn't set foot in the club again and have kept away from the place to avoid her. I haven't seen her in months then last week I saw her on the bus while I was out with my son and she got off at the same stop as me and tried to walk with me but I made an excuse I was busy and had to go. A few days later she looked me up on Facebook. I'm only on there because I'm a member of a few groups just to stay in touch with what's going on. I haven't added any friends and don't put any info on there. Since then she's been bombarding me with messages at silly hours of the morning. I've tried to ignore her but tonight she sent me 5 in a row saying stuff like, "Can't stop thinking about you since I saw you on the bus" "really miss you xx" and "want to be friends, no strings". What's that supposed to mean? Of course there's no strings I'm bloody married.
I've since sent her a message back telling her to stop with the obsession with me and explained why I'd tried to distance myself from her and have blocked her but she seems so mentally and emotionally unstable I fear she may try to cause trouble and she knows where we live. I don't like falling out with people but don't know how to shake her off. She seems obsessed with me and I think she could be dangerous.
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Yeah, basically this really.
As to causing trouble, well, as long as you've told your wife exactly what has been going on, I can't see any reason why it could cause any problems at all between the two of you (don't really understand why it did in the first place). Other than that, what other trouble do you think she could/would cause?
No not on my mobile. On Facebook. I've since blocked her but she lives around here and knows where we live and she's always in town when I go to do my shopping. She doesn't work and her life consists of going to the club, drinking then coming home, taking a cocktail of meds to do with her mental health condition, stays up til 3 & 4 in the morning where she sits on her computer and then doesn't get up till mid afternoon.
I thought she was a nice person at first but she turned out to be a bit of a waster and a weirdo and now I want nothing to do with her. My wife thinks I've encouraged her by texting her and going back to her house for late drinks etc. but I thought she was just good company and someone I could talk to about my problems but I've realised that she's the kind of person that once you show them an ounce of attention they wont leave you alone. Maybe I got too involved by telling her too much of my business and she thinks we're closer than we are but I can assure you I am definitely not interested in her.
Thing is I've confided a lot of personal information with her some of which I don't want repeating and I'm concerned in case she tries to start trouble or wont take no for an answer. She knows where we live and I'm worried that she might come round and start kicking off with the obsession and "why don't you want to talk to me"etc. She seems really mentally unstable. She seems like the kind of person who could turn into your own personal stalker.
Well I've told her a lot of personal info and stuff to do with my mental health, my past crossdressing phase and whenever me and my wife have had problems or arguments I've confided in her and my wife would go mad if she found out I'd be talking to her about stuff like that to someone like her and certainly wouldn't want it repeated around town. As Rufus Hound once said on Would I Lie to You, "She's the kind of woman who would turn up at your wife's work and tell her you were having an affair, even if you weren't."
I don't really know if she would do anything but she's jealous, possessive, clingy and highly irrational. I don't trust her.
Just be yourself.
Actually the not drinking thing is a lie. It was an excuse I made up ages ago to avoid her so I had a good excuse not to go in the club. I told her that I had a drinking problem and had to come off the booze so I had an excuse not to go in. She thinks I've got a drinking problem yet still asks me meet her for a drink and offers to buy me Jack Daniels. What kind of idiot would do that to a person who's told you they are a recovering alcoholic? She's mental!
Once your wife knows everything - there is nothing that this person can say or do that will cause you trouble.
Then COMPLETELY stay away from her and don't respond to her on Facebook, or any chance meetings.
You aren't responsible for her. You have your wife and son to put first in this. If it ever did come out that you had spoken to her about personal stuff, you would have have to come clean to your wife but I would ONLY do that if it ever came out. Don't shoot yourself in the foot intentionally.
I'm not sure I have any more advice other than to minimise contact. If she does become a threat though, it becomes a police matter, if you wanted to go down that route.
If she calls or contacts you, start logging calls, and meetings with dates, times and what happened, etc. So that if anything did start you would start having a portfolio of evidence.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think you've been very unfair to your wife, and encouraged this woman. You've gone to her house for "late drinks" to talk to her about your problems, and also confided in her about arguments with your wife.
In my opinion, that is completely inappropriate with another woman, and you must know it is because you don't want your wife to know.
Before you blame this woman too much, do some research on emotional affairs. Just Google it and see - confiding in, meeting up and talking about marital issues /arguments with another woman is a big red flag. Even if you weren't attracted to her, you may have behaved in a way that ignited something in her, by creating an emotional intimacy between you.
After she saw me on the bus I can only think she did a random search for me as she couldn't phone or text me anymore after I got her to delete my number. It seems odd that I hadn't seen her for about 2 months and then all of a sudden she messages me. She knew it was me from my profile picture obviously but I do happen to have an uncommon surname. I didn't even know she used Facebook otherwise I would have blocked her before she found me. I haven't added her as a friend but she can still message me.
Yes. Single White Female?
I think that's what my wife meant by encouraging her. It's not the first time this has happened. I got involved with a bloke once who I thought was a friend and found out he had issues and he would call me up drunk at 1am. However after ignoring his calls and texts he eventually gave up. This is worse because she actually seems obsessed with me. I don't need this shit.
I'm worried now that by sending her that message it may have rilled her up. She can be very Jekyll and Hyde and turn nasty. Maybe it would have been better to just keep ignoring her.
The only way is then to deactivate that account and make a new one up in a different name. If it's only to keep tabs on things and not have friends added then this should be fine.
How often do you see her? If it's a small place, it's not uncommon to see the same people out and about occasionally. If it's more than a few times then is she waiting for you? The only thing is to change your routine.
Yes I can block her but that might piss her off and make her even more mad. And what if she starts messaging my wife trying to stir up shit between us? If she's as obsessed with me as it seems I wouldn't put it past her. She already knows we've been having problems. She could easily try to manipulate that situation. She's mentally unstable, irrational and unpredictable so I wouldn't put it past her to do something like that.
I've been very I'll for the past month and our relationship is still on the mend so something like this and an obsessive possessive woman with an agenda could ruin things between us.
Grab the bull by the horns. Block her. Get your wife to block her. Tell her the woman has taken your friendliness as being a sign of something more and she scares you because of her mental health issues.
It wont let me because I blocked her prior to sending my reply and unblocked her so I could reply and now it says I have to wait 48 hours before I can block her again. Here's the messages so you can see what I mean. 5 one after another.
hi (my name) hope you had goood bonfire?6 hours ago*·*Sent from Chat
bloody club doing my head in being talen over by rough people .not happy as was waiting for (name) outside after my orders and she went home in car leaving me to walk alone ,sorry but i dont like the witch, she manulipates. dont like being used by anyone but i am too soft! cant get you out my head since i saw you on the bus . pleasecome in tthe club tommorrow for a dandilion and burdock my shout ha , miss you x6 hours ago*·*Sent from Chat
no strigs just a mate and a friendly happy face5 hours ago*·*Sent from Chat
i do miss your friendship and i hope things are ok at home.hope you are really coping with no booze ??5 hours ago*·*Sent from Chat
i could get you a sneaky jack dan if you want really want oh my n key not working right ??
oh now its ok ??bit strange
best take my meds or no sleep for me ha5 hours ago*·*Sent from Chat
You are very obsessed with me and possessive and I find it too overbearing. One of the reasons I want to distance myself from you. All this miss you and I need to see you and cant stop thinking about you business. You are acting like some kind of possessive jealous ex girlfriend. It's too much and I can't deal with it. You were texting me at all hours of the night with inappropriate messages which got me in trouble with my wife so had to get you to delete my number so you would stop. You are very clingy and I can't cope with it. I remember I walked in the club once and because I stood talking to someone else and not you, you bombarded me with messages asking me why I wasn't speaking to you. I told you I'm not drinking or going to the club anymore so why are you asking me? Please just leave me alone and stop bombarding me with late night messages every time you come home from the club. This obsession you have with me has got to stop. You are making me very uncomfortable and to be honest I just want you to forget about me and leave me alone. I thought we were friends but I can't be friends with someone who is so obsessed and possessive with me and wont leave me alone. Goodbye (name)
By the way things are going great at home and me and my wife are happy now and things are getting back on track so I'd very much like to keep it that way.2 hours ago
What a threesome that would be.
I think you are overthinking the situation. It's easily done I know, but going over all the possibilities when they haven't happened and quite probably won't isn't doing you any favours. Be honest with your wife as to what has been going on, block the woman on Facebook, do not respond to any overture, and get on with your life. Oh, and don't go back for late night drinks and personal chats with another woman - or another man - behind your wife's back.