How do you know your friend doesn't already know about the affair? Once you start interfering in a couple's personal affairs, you will ALWAYS end up being the bad guy, so do not do it. Stay out of it unless you want to lose two friends. There is nothing to be gained by interfering.
Thanks for all the replies, sorry not been able to get on today until now.
To answer some questions, someone else already knows about it. It was a third party who told me and showed me the evidence. This third party is actually the person who confronted, not the cheater but the cheater's lover. It was them who said the affair was over and wouldn't continue, and the friendship was likely over.
However, since then I've seen first hand how close the lover and cheater still are, and that's really galling me.
I have no desire to tell the husband, the very thought of it makes me sick. I desperately want for him to never find out, frankly.
I agree that no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors, and maybe the husband suspects or knows to some degree.
My motives are right now that the cheater and her lover are taking the absolute piss, carrying on right underneath the husband's nose. I am really shocked as I did count the cheater as a friend and thought I knew her, and my hope has been - and still is, as I'm not convinced she knows we know - that the very fact other people know would scare her into realising what she's risking throwing away. Or if she WANTS to end it with her husband and be with this other person, then to do it in the right way.
And yes, there are young children involved.
I realise that friendships may and will end over this, and to be honest I don't care who falls out with me, my preference is just for the husband to be hurt as little as possible - whatever that means.
Thanks for all the replies, sorry not been able to get on today until now.
To answer some questions, someone else already knows about it. It was a third party who told me and showed me the evidence. This third party is actually the person who confronted, not the cheater but the cheater's lover. It was them who said the affair was over and wouldn't continue, and the friendship was likely over.
However, since then I've seen first hand how close the lover and cheater still are, and that's really galling me.
I have no desire to tell the husband, the very thought of it makes me sick. I desperately want for him to never find out, frankly.
I agree that no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors, and maybe the husband suspects or knows to some degree.
My motives are right now that the cheater and her lover are taking the absolute piss, carrying on right underneath the husband's nose. I am really shocked as I did count the cheater as a friend and thought I knew her, and my hope has been - and still is, as I'm not convinced she knows we know - that the very fact other people know would scare her into realising what she's risking throwing away. Or if she WANTS to end it with her husband and be with this other person, then to do it in the right way.
And yes, there are young children involved.
I realise that friendships may and will end over this, and to be honest I don't care who falls out with me, my preference is just for the husband to be hurt as little as possible - whatever that means.
Wow that is tough. You are obviously a nice person. There is a thread pretty much the same in General Discussion. Sadly that fm wants to let the wife know out of spite. Good luck op.
How do you know your friend doesn't already know about the affair? Once you start interfering in a couple's personal affairs, you will ALWAYS end up being the bad guy, so do not do it. Stay out of it unless you want to lose two friends. There is nothing to be gained by interfering.
Not necessarily always the bad guy. My husband (then a friend) was the one who told me about my boyfriend's cheating, so it doesn't always follow that the messenger will be shot. He got married to me instead - poor guy
He fancied me at the time, and had been telling me for months that my boyfriend was an idiot. I hated that, and used to fall out with him over it, but once the facts were staring me in the face, I had to concur.
I rang my friend, in floods of tears, to tell her about it. She just didn't sound shocked enough. It was something in her voice. I asked her whether she'd known about it, and she went silent, then said she had known, and was sorry etc.
OP if you do find yourself in a position of having to pretend you didn't know - just make sure you are a good enough actor to sound shocked!
Not necessarily always the bad guy. My husband (then a friend) was the one who told me about my boyfriend's cheating, so it doesn't always follow that the messenger will be shot. He got married to me instead - poor guy
He fancied me at the time, and had been telling me for months that my boyfriend was an idiot. I hated that, and used to fall out with him over it, but once the facts were staring me in the face, I had to concur.
I rang my friend, in floods of tears, to tell her about it. She just didn't sound shocked enough. It was something in her voice. I asked her whether she'd known about it, and she went silent, then said she had known, and was sorry etc.
OP if you do find yourself in a position of having to pretend you didn't know - just make sure you are a good enough actor to sound shocked!
That must be the worst thing, to realise others know...that maybe you are the last to find out. Usually with affairs there is at least one or two other people that know and often end up roped into the situation to act as an alibi for one or both of them, e.g. saying they are staying at theirs when really they're at a guy/girl's house. My sister even used my mum for that once. She told my mum to keep telling her boyfriend she was at the cinema with her friend or at her friend's house, or ill etc. when we all knew she was seeing another guy...:o
That must be the worst thing, to realise others know...that maybe you are the last to find out. Usually with affairs there is at least one or two other people that know and often end up roped into the situation to act as an alibi for one or both of them, e.g. saying they are staying at theirs when really they're at a guy/girl's house. My sister even used my mum for that once. She told my mum to keep telling her boyfriend she was at the cinema with her friend or at her friend's house, or ill etc. when we all knew she was seeing another guy...:o
Yes thats true, the humiliation of my friend knowing has outlasted the hurt I felt about my boyfriend. He knew she knew, so it felt like they'd both betrayed me. I don't think she helped him with any alibis though.
As in my post before the one you quoted, I just didn't feel I could trust her again. Totally destroyed our friendship. I'm glad my husband told me, even though he risked not being believed and risked a big fall out. Especially as he knew how defensive I used to get about my boyfriend. It took guts on his part.
Thanks for all the replies, sorry not been able to get on today until now.
To answer some questions, someone else already knows about it. It was a third party who told me and showed me the evidence. This third party is actually the person who confronted, not the cheater but the cheater's lover. It was them who said the affair was over and wouldn't continue, and the friendship was likely over.
However, since then I've seen first hand how close the lover and cheater still are, and that's really galling me.
I have no desire to tell the husband, the very thought of it makes me sick. I desperately want for him to never find out, frankly.
I agree that no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors, and maybe the husband suspects or knows to some degree.
My motives are right now that the cheater and her lover are taking the absolute piss, carrying on right underneath the husband's nose. I am really shocked as I did count the cheater as a friend and thought I knew her, and my hope has been - and still is, as I'm not convinced she knows we know - that the very fact other people know would scare her into realising what she's risking throwing away. Or if she WANTS to end it with her husband and be with this other person, then to do it in the right way.
And yes, there are young children involved.
I realise that friendships may and will end over this, and to be honest I don't care who falls out with me, my preference is just for the husband to be hurt as little as possible - whatever that means.
OK - My advice...
Speak to your friend (the cheater) and tell her that you have heard a couple of people talking about her and her boyfriend. Even if she denies everything, the mere fact that the word is out will probably spur her into action one way or the other. You will be seen to have been acting as a good friend in letting her know, and not tainted as a 'grass'. Wins all round...
Sometimes the truth hurts and it hurts badly so knowing what you know, you can either keep it to your self but it may start nagging at you after a while.
As someone said call the cheaters or the mistress bluff by reasoning with them, saying that u know what's going on and your going to 'snitch' if they dont tell the other half what's going on ..
However before doing any of that, it may be wise to see if u can get evidence of the misendevour prior to doing any relevation, or snitching takes place to back your story up, hearing it is one thing, evidence is something else which can be provided anonymously through the letter box. Then that way you one step ahead and no one needs to know who told on who, knowing fully well you did the right thing.
Remember cheaters get caught out its just a matter of time.
The male half of a couple I know was having an affair with his partner's cousin. All three of them were friends of mine.
I didn't say anything. Why should I take the moral high ground? Possibly the female half suspected anyway but didn't want it pointed out.
Their relationship was going through a rocky patch and rather than blurt out what I knew I offered to help with childcare so they could go out together on their own.
The affair died a death and 15 years later the couple is still together and happy having brought up some lovely kids. So far as I am aware he never strayed again. That 'once a cheater' saying is baloney.
I told my best friend that her new bf was cheating on her. In return I was told that I was jealous of her new man and that was that. Friendship over. Two years later she caught him for herself and they divorced. Shame really. In the two years they had married, had a child and he had talked her into getting sterilised.
Its a difficult one, as the outsider. But i have been the one cheated on before. My ex partner and my ex friend were at it behind my back, this woman would listen to me talk about our problems and good times.. and she was sleeping with him.
A mutual friend, her housemate / my friend also knew about it. Now whilst i know she wasn't going to come clean about sleeping with my boyfriend behind my back, i was hurt by the fact her housemate and my friend knew about it and didnt tell me. I felt humiliated and it made everything 100 times worse when it eventually came out, which it always does. (I should point out i was round this house ALL the time, texting both girls throughout the day, we would stay in and have drinks and watch stupid youtube videos till stupid o'clock, i thought we were a close group of friends)
I wish more than anything she had found some way to tell me, whether directly or indirectly. It was one of the most humiliating experiences, and i lost all trust in people for a long time. Were i in your position, i would tell the cheater to tell the partner, give her a time frame (say 2 weeks?) and if they didnt tell them, i would. I would rather know i had tried for the innocent party, and hopefully avoid that person feeling how i did.
...........it may be wise to see if u can get evidence of the misendevour prior to doing any relevation, or snitching takes place to back your story up, hearing it is one thing, evidence is something else which can be provided anonymously through the letter box. Then that way you one step ahead and no one needs to know who told on who, knowing fully well you did the right thing.
Remember cheaters get caught out its just a matter of time.
Failing that go with calling the bluff.
How on earth can it be "wise" to dig around for dirt in other people's lives so you can then drop the evidence anonymously through their letterbox?
What a disgraceful line of thought.
Don't people have enough in their own lives to occupy themselves without titillating themselves by interfering in other people's' lives? No one will know you did it but you can feel you did the right thing??
The motive is venomous spite not "doing the right thing".
Are you a full time busybody?
If you knew about someone who was cheating on their partner, and they are both friends of yours, and you confronted the cheater. If they promised to stop the affair, but carried on a close friendship with their lover (because they say dropping them as a friend would cause suspicion), would you trust them?
And what would you do next?
This has happened to me, as in my old best friend was having an affair with our other friend's boyfriend. I didn't see it as my place to tell my other friend. Maybe that was wrong of me, I don't know.The affair ended, they've since broken up, and that friend is still none the wiser it happened. Ignorance is bliss as far as I'm concerned now. We were all only 18 at the time though, and I felt terrible about the whole thing even though I wasn't involved.
How on earth can it be "wise" to dig around for dirt in other people's lives so you can then drop the evidence anonymously through their letterbox?
What a disgraceful line of thought.
Don't people have enough in their own lives to occupy themselves without titillating themselves by interfering in other people's' lives? No one will know you did it but you can feel you did the right thing??
The motive is venomous spite not "doing the right thing".
Are you a full time busybody?
not really I have work to do and I am sorry that you were offended by my reply and it seems for what ever reason this may been taken personally.
Everyone to their own opinion, If u disagree then you disagree, so be it.
This is an advice thread and as a possibility I was giving advice, however ridiculously it was it was a suggestion. Rather than jumping and arguing on someone's post, feel free to post something that may assist the Thread Starter with their predicament.
If you don't have anything constructive to say then please step back from the keyboard.
On a side note .. since I have joined back in 2001 I have haven't seen digital spy this bad. The forum has really gone down hill recently.
not really I have work to do and I am sorry that you were offended by my reply and it seems for what ever reason this may been taken personally.
Everyone to their own opinion, If u disagree then you disagree, so be it.
This is an advice thread and as a possibility I was giving advice, however ridiculously it was it was a suggestion. Rather than jumping and arguing on someone's post, feel free to post something that may assist the Thread Starter with their predicament.
If you don't have anything constructive to say then please step back from the keyboard.
On a side note .. since I have joined back in 2001 I have haven't seen digital spy this bad. The forum has really gone down hill recently.
I didn't take it personally as I don't know you.
I responded to your suggestion to post an anonymous poison post through a letterbox and run away , avoiding all consequences, but believing you've "done the right thing".
You can't justify that cowardly action.
I posted my constructive advice very early on in the thread.
I advised against interfering for the wrong motive.
I don't agree with your advice and expressed my opinion.
I don't feel the need to step back from the keyboard because you disagree with me.
Nothing personal - it's a forum.
Comments
To answer some questions, someone else already knows about it. It was a third party who told me and showed me the evidence. This third party is actually the person who confronted, not the cheater but the cheater's lover. It was them who said the affair was over and wouldn't continue, and the friendship was likely over.
However, since then I've seen first hand how close the lover and cheater still are, and that's really galling me.
I have no desire to tell the husband, the very thought of it makes me sick. I desperately want for him to never find out, frankly.
I agree that no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors, and maybe the husband suspects or knows to some degree.
My motives are right now that the cheater and her lover are taking the absolute piss, carrying on right underneath the husband's nose. I am really shocked as I did count the cheater as a friend and thought I knew her, and my hope has been - and still is, as I'm not convinced she knows we know - that the very fact other people know would scare her into realising what she's risking throwing away. Or if she WANTS to end it with her husband and be with this other person, then to do it in the right way.
And yes, there are young children involved.
I realise that friendships may and will end over this, and to be honest I don't care who falls out with me, my preference is just for the husband to be hurt as little as possible - whatever that means.
Wow that is tough. You are obviously a nice person. There is a thread pretty much the same in General Discussion. Sadly that fm wants to let the wife know out of spite. Good luck op.
Not necessarily always the bad guy. My husband (then a friend) was the one who told me about my boyfriend's cheating, so it doesn't always follow that the messenger will be shot. He got married to me instead - poor guy
He fancied me at the time, and had been telling me for months that my boyfriend was an idiot. I hated that, and used to fall out with him over it, but once the facts were staring me in the face, I had to concur.
I rang my friend, in floods of tears, to tell her about it. She just didn't sound shocked enough. It was something in her voice. I asked her whether she'd known about it, and she went silent, then said she had known, and was sorry etc.
OP if you do find yourself in a position of having to pretend you didn't know - just make sure you are a good enough actor to sound shocked!
That must be the worst thing, to realise others know...that maybe you are the last to find out. Usually with affairs there is at least one or two other people that know and often end up roped into the situation to act as an alibi for one or both of them, e.g. saying they are staying at theirs when really they're at a guy/girl's house. My sister even used my mum for that once. She told my mum to keep telling her boyfriend she was at the cinema with her friend or at her friend's house, or ill etc. when we all knew she was seeing another guy...:o
Yes thats true, the humiliation of my friend knowing has outlasted the hurt I felt about my boyfriend. He knew she knew, so it felt like they'd both betrayed me. I don't think she helped him with any alibis though.
As in my post before the one you quoted, I just didn't feel I could trust her again. Totally destroyed our friendship. I'm glad my husband told me, even though he risked not being believed and risked a big fall out. Especially as he knew how defensive I used to get about my boyfriend. It took guts on his part.
OK - My advice...
Speak to your friend (the cheater) and tell her that you have heard a couple of people talking about her and her boyfriend. Even if she denies everything, the mere fact that the word is out will probably spur her into action one way or the other. You will be seen to have been acting as a good friend in letting her know, and not tainted as a 'grass'. Wins all round...
As someone said call the cheaters or the mistress bluff by reasoning with them, saying that u know what's going on and your going to 'snitch' if they dont tell the other half what's going on ..
However before doing any of that, it may be wise to see if u can get evidence of the misendevour prior to doing any relevation, or snitching takes place to back your story up, hearing it is one thing, evidence is something else which can be provided anonymously through the letter box. Then that way you one step ahead and no one needs to know who told on who, knowing fully well you did the right thing.
Remember cheaters get caught out its just a matter of time.
Failing that go with calling the bluff.
I didn't say anything. Why should I take the moral high ground? Possibly the female half suspected anyway but didn't want it pointed out.
Their relationship was going through a rocky patch and rather than blurt out what I knew I offered to help with childcare so they could go out together on their own.
The affair died a death and 15 years later the couple is still together and happy having brought up some lovely kids. So far as I am aware he never strayed again. That 'once a cheater' saying is baloney.
A mutual friend, her housemate / my friend also knew about it. Now whilst i know she wasn't going to come clean about sleeping with my boyfriend behind my back, i was hurt by the fact her housemate and my friend knew about it and didnt tell me. I felt humiliated and it made everything 100 times worse when it eventually came out, which it always does. (I should point out i was round this house ALL the time, texting both girls throughout the day, we would stay in and have drinks and watch stupid youtube videos till stupid o'clock, i thought we were a close group of friends)
I wish more than anything she had found some way to tell me, whether directly or indirectly. It was one of the most humiliating experiences, and i lost all trust in people for a long time. Were i in your position, i would tell the cheater to tell the partner, give her a time frame (say 2 weeks?) and if they didnt tell them, i would. I would rather know i had tried for the innocent party, and hopefully avoid that person feeling how i did.
How on earth can it be "wise" to dig around for dirt in other people's lives so you can then drop the evidence anonymously through their letterbox?
What a disgraceful line of thought.
Don't people have enough in their own lives to occupy themselves without titillating themselves by interfering in other people's' lives?
No one will know you did it but you can feel you did the right thing??
The motive is venomous spite not "doing the right thing".
Are you a full time busybody?
This has happened to me, as in my old best friend was having an affair with our other friend's boyfriend. I didn't see it as my place to tell my other friend. Maybe that was wrong of me, I don't know.The affair ended, they've since broken up, and that friend is still none the wiser it happened. Ignorance is bliss as far as I'm concerned now. We were all only 18 at the time though, and I felt terrible about the whole thing even though I wasn't involved.
not really I have work to do and I am sorry that you were offended by my reply and it seems for what ever reason this may been taken personally.
Everyone to their own opinion, If u disagree then you disagree, so be it.
This is an advice thread and as a possibility I was giving advice, however ridiculously it was it was a suggestion. Rather than jumping and arguing on someone's post, feel free to post something that may assist the Thread Starter with their predicament.
If you don't have anything constructive to say then please step back from the keyboard.
On a side note .. since I have joined back in 2001 I have haven't seen digital spy this bad. The forum has really gone down hill recently.
Have you considered blackmail?
I didn't take it personally as I don't know you.
I responded to your suggestion to post an anonymous poison post through a letterbox and run away , avoiding all consequences, but believing you've "done the right thing".
You can't justify that cowardly action.
I posted my constructive advice very early on in the thread.
I advised against interfering for the wrong motive.
I don't agree with your advice and expressed my opinion.
I don't feel the need to step back from the keyboard because you disagree with me.
Nothing personal - it's a forum.