Do I tell her mum?

DrFlowDemandDrFlowDemand Posts: 2,121
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I am going to tell, but am slightly anxious about the information not being received very well. My child has just told me that her 12yr old friend has sent a couple of picture texts to a 15yr old boy at their school. The photos apparently show her face, bra, and revealing shot of her knickerless foof in a sat on floor with knees up taken in mirror position.

If it were my child I would want to know, so that's my main motive for telling. The parent doesn't particularly like me, so I don't imagine the info will be well received. I should probably telephone her but I'm a wimp and think I'll text.

What would you do, how would you word it if you were to tell?
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Comments

  • MsBehaviourMsBehaviour Posts: 5,532
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    Try to put aside her dislike of you, you have a duty to tell her. I would phone her - texting seems too cold for such a sensitive issue and she will want to ask questions (I know I would.) Please do it as soon as possible, you never know how quickly, or to how many, these photos will be passed on.
  • myssmyss Posts: 16,457
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    I'm not entirely sure how but I would have to establish if it was true before I tell her parents. She may have been bullshitting to your daughter. I may ask your daughter to ask her further questions via text to see if it was true and if it were, speak with the mother or the girl, saying that your daughter didn't tell you, you picked up her phone and read the texts.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 6,924
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    Omg well if the mum did'nt like me I personally wouldn't tell her direct. She might think you are lying or just trying to cause trouble. You know how protective us mums can be when it comes to our own. Anyway what I would do is go and have a wee word with the girls school teacher. The mum might take more notice if it came from someone in authority, better that than the mum thinking you are just out to cause trouble. Good luck, bloody hell 12? Gee god, horrific.
  • eluf38eluf38 Posts: 4,874
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    I think any parent would want to know - but I think a text is the wrong way to do it. Face to face or a phone call would seem the best way. I don't think the fact that 'they don't like you' will have a major bearing on how they recieve the news; I think they will probably not receive it well because it will be an unpleasant shock, and not easy to take. Knowing this, I would probably keep it short and sweet, and end with something like 'I know it's not easy to hear this, but I thought you would want to talk to your daughter about this and make sure she's safe.'
    I'm guessing denial will be the first reaction, so deliver the news, get out and leave them to think it over. Don't expect them to be reasonable or grateful to you - you're doing this to safeguard their child after all, not to make friends.
  • eluf38eluf38 Posts: 4,874
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    avasgranny wrote: »
    Omg well if the mum did'nt like me I personally wouldn't tell her direct. She might think you are lying or just trying to cause trouble. You know how protective us mums can be when it comes to our own. Anyway what I would do is go and have a wee word with the girls school teacher. The mum might take more notice if it came from someone in authority, better that than the mum thinking you are just out to cause trouble. Good luck, bloody hell 12? Gee god, horrific.

    That's also a good idea. I know when a 12 year old girl in the school I use to work in had sex, her friend went to the teacher rather than parents. Teachers can't ignore something like that because of their child protection training, and they would have to get parents involved.
  • DrFlowDemandDrFlowDemand Posts: 2,121
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    myss wrote: »
    I'm not entirely sure how but I would have to establish if it was true before I tell her parents. She may have been bullshitting to your daughter. I may ask your daughter to ask her further questions via text to see if it was true and if it were, speak with the mother or the girl, saying that your daughter didn't tell you, you picked up her phone and read the texts.

    I hadn't thought of that, but yes, she may well have lied to show off to my daughter. I hope it is a lie, even if it makes me look silly, rather that than this situation.

    Mine doesn't have a mobile at the moment, and the other girl's not allowed on fb chat at the moment, so there's no subtle way for me to test the veracity of the story.
  • Me-CheetahMe-Cheetah Posts: 599
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    avasgranny wrote: »
    Omg well if the mum did'nt like me I personally wouldn't tell her direct. She might think you are lying or just trying to cause trouble. You know how protective us mums can be when it comes to our own. Anyway what I would do is go and have a wee word with the girls school teacher. The mum might take more notice if it came from someone in authority, better that than the mum thinking you are just out to cause trouble. Good luck, bloody hell 12? Gee god, horrific.

    I agree with this.It's what I would do in similar circumstances.

    A teacher can broach the subject with the pupil/parents etc from a neutral standpoint. The OP will have then done her 'duty' in passing the info on but without causing any bad feeling between the mums, or the girls.
  • dorahalldorahall Posts: 1,296
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    When are the kids back at school? If this child is not in danger, wait, and contact the school, let them deal with it.
  • ElanorElanor Posts: 13,326
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    I would go with the telling a teacher bit - except that isn't it a week until the schools go back? That's a long time in teenage text land, the photos could be all round the whole year group by then. I think I'd be ringing the mum tonight.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 706
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    There's too much of a chance that the mother will take her anger of her own daughter's behaviour out on you, or blame it on associating with your child.

    The best advice, as already given, was to take it up with the school. Schools are supposed to be teaching children about things like this, and how such photos can come back to haunt them later.

    Ask to see your own child's form teacher, expressing concern about your own child picking up these bad habits from the other girl. Say that you want to be kept informed about the situation by the head or the form teacher so that the teacher doesn't try to ignore it. if you feel that they have, go back and see the head directly.

    That way, someone should contact the mother and it'll make you look like you're just defending your own child rather than sticking your nose into the affairs of other families, which is how a spiteful mother could portray you to the other parents at the school. She'll look like the bad parent for not bringing her daughter up properly and owe you the apology. Not that you need to seek one, it's just good for you to be on the moral high ground should the mother allow her dislike of you to seek a scapegoat, especially if doing so risks tarnishing your child with a brush.
  • RandomSallyRandomSally Posts: 7,068
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    I hadn't thought of that, but yes, she may well have lied to show off to my daughter. I hope it is a lie, even if it makes me look silly, rather that than this situation.

    Mine doesn't have a mobile at the moment, and the other girl's not allowed on fb chat at the moment, so there's no subtle way for me to test the veracity of the story.

    I wonder if there's a reason she's not allowed on FB chat? Could her parents have found out already?
  • Sophie ~Oohie~Sophie ~Oohie~ Posts: 10,395
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    From the sound of it, I would not tell the mother face-to-face and probably wouldn't phone either, because it sounds like she would just use it as an opportunity to have a go at you. Can't you register a Hotmail account and email her if you're sure it's true and really can't wait to talk to the school? :)
  • DrFlowDemandDrFlowDemand Posts: 2,121
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    I've thought of alternative:

    Phone the girl's mobile myself, ask her if it's true. If it is, tell her that she has to tell her mum this evening, otherwise I will have to tell her myself.

    What do you think of that? They don't go back to school till the 7th, which seems too long to wait, otherwise I'd go with the telling the school suggestions.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 706
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    I've thought of alternative:

    Phone the girl's mobile myself, ask her if it's true.

    Yes, and then wait for the Jimmy Saville police to knock on your door.

    Seriously? What do you think her mother will make of a middle aged pervert phoning her pre-pubescent girl's private number to talk about nekkid photos? No offence :-)

    Your apparent motivation must be concern for your own child, with the sentiment that the other parent should be doing the same for theirs. Anything else could result in you looking bad, trouble making or giving the mother ammo to sling mud at you or your child. Parents often go into denial and blame other people's kids for things like this, even when those kids haven't done the same.
  • eluf38eluf38 Posts: 4,874
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    From the sound of it, I would not tell the mother face-to-face and probably wouldn't phone either, because it sounds like she would just use it as an opportunity to have a go at you. Can't you register a Hotmail account and email her if you're sure it's true and really can't wait to talk to the school? :)

    I wouldn't be worried about the mother 'having a go' at me - I'd expect her to react in a negative way, which is why I'd probably begin with 'I know you won't want to hear this, but as a parent, I'd like to know if my own daughter was in this position. I know it will be a shock, but I think you should know what I've heard.'
    If the mother uses this an an excuse to start a slanging match rather than be concerned about her daughter, she's a pretty poor mum. I would basically state what I'd been told and disregard her reaction. If she chooses not take take it seriously, at least I would have been responsible and thought about the child's welfare.
  • dorahalldorahall Posts: 1,296
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    I've thought of alternative:

    Phone the girl's mobile myself, ask her if it's true. If it is, tell her that she has to tell her mum this evening, otherwise I will have to tell her myself.

    What do you think of that? They don't go back to school till the 7th, which seems too long to wait, otherwise I'd go with the telling the school suggestions.
    How about phoning the NSPCC and asking their advice? It sounds like an over-reaction to me, but IF these photos are genuine, and the 12 year old has sent them in a text message, they could be all over the internet before midnight.

    Don't phone the child yourself.:eek:
  • embyemby Posts: 7,837
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    I've thought of alternative:

    Phone the girl's mobile myself, ask her if it's true. If it is, tell her that she has to tell her mum this evening, otherwise I will have to tell her myself.

    What do you think of that? They don't go back to school till the 7th, which seems too long to wait, otherwise I'd go with the telling the school suggestions.

    I wouldn't go down that route. That could backfire spectacularly.
  • fredsterfredster Posts: 31,802
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    I think I would want to see proof before I did anything. It could backfire on you in a big way, and your daughter for telling you.
    Then if its true yes, the school is probably the best route to take.
  • bossoftheworldbossoftheworld Posts: 4,941
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    IF this is true this might sound a bit dramatic, but what about phoning the local police and letting them know what you've been told. Surely naked picture of a 12 year old being sent via mobile phone is wrong no matter who the photo is sent to?

    I think that if it's true it's very worrying that a 12 year old would do that?
  • DrFlowDemandDrFlowDemand Posts: 2,121
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    Yes, and then wait for the Jimmy Saville police to knock on your door.

    Seriously? What do you think her mother will make of a middle aged pervert phoning her pre-pubescent girl's private number to talk about nekkid photos? No offence :-)

    Your apparent motivation must be concern for your own child, with the sentiment that the other parent should be doing the same for theirs. Anything else could result in you looking bad, trouble making or giving the mother ammo to sling mud at you or your child. Parents often go into denial and blame other people's kids for things like this, even when those kids haven't done the same.

    She won't think I'm a middle aged perve as I'm a 30yr old woman, this girl sleeps over at my house about once a week and lets herself in on school mornings to finish getting ready and walk in together. Part of the reason she doesn't like me is, as I've heard it, because I didn't take my shoes off and left mud on her carpets recently. This was because the school had phoned me to say they'd left the premises and I guessed they'd gone there, so I let myself in and hauled their silly arses back to school before they missed any lessons. Apparently she's always got on better with men than women so I shouldn't take her dislike personally, but it does make me a little nervous and insecure. I've phoned her mobile many a time to check they're together and doing what they've said they are etc.
  • fredsterfredster Posts: 31,802
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    IF this is true this might sound a bit dramatic, but what about phoning the local police and letting them know what you've been told. Surely naked picture of a 12 year old being sent via mobile phone is wrong no matter who the photo is sent to?

    I think that if it's true it's very worrying that a 12 year old would do that?

    Ah, but is it true?
  • DrFlowDemandDrFlowDemand Posts: 2,121
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    She's just phoned on the house phone, and admitted it to me. I told her she has to tell her mum as soon as she gets in or I will. Think my daughter's going to be upset with me for interfering, they're talking about it now. Oh my heart is pounding a little bit. Teenagers are so difficult, I am so sorry to my mum for what I put her through with things that I've started apologising when I go round!
  • CroctacusCroctacus Posts: 18,216
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    eluf38 wrote: »
    I wouldn't be worried about the mother 'having a go' at me - I'd expect her to react in a negative way, which is why I'd probably begin with 'I know you won't want to hear this, but as a parent, I'd like to know if my own daughter was in this position. I know it will be a shock, but I think you should know what I've heard.'
    If the mother uses this an an excuse to start a slanging match rather than be concerned about her daughter, she's a pretty poor mum. I would basically state what I'd been told and disregard her reaction. If she chooses not take take it seriously, at least I would have been responsible and thought about the child's welfare.


    I'd go with this. Even if its not true, the fact that her daughter is telling people she has done this is worrying.
  • gdjman68wasdigigdjman68wasdigi Posts: 21,705
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    i think the whole thread stinks to high heaven.

    the only thing to do is tell the school the FACTS, what your daughter has told you, not chinese whispers.....i wouldnt even bother speaking to the other parent, let the school deal with it, they will follow the correct procedure, not some council estate law into your own hands way.
  • myssmyss Posts: 16,457
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    She's just phoned on the house phone, and admitted it to me. I told her she has to tell her mum as soon as she gets in or I will. Think my daughter's going to be upset with me for interfering, they're talking about it now. Oh my heart is pounding a little bit. Teenagers are so difficult, I am so sorry to my mum for what I put her through with things that I've started apologising when I go round!
    How did the subject come up? Did you ask her first and she admitted, or did she just come out with it?
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