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child support ?

BermondseybrickBermondseybrick Posts: 1,256
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in Advice #1
Firstly let me preface this by saying I do no begrudge/mind/have no issues making my child support payments in fact Im gald to do it

firstly a quick bit of background

I have four children that all live with the ex wife and her partner and their child that they have together down on the coast (about 2 and half hours drive) while I am in London

I pay 495 a month in Child support payments plus her train fare when she brings the kids to London and I also cover my costs for taking them home (and obviously I pay for feeding them and "entertainment" when they are up in London with me )

now to the crux of my question

my Ex asks me for additional financial support and this I do begrudge (EG she has asked me for £500 extra for my eldest's prom this year)

now the only reason I begrudge it is because of the personal "sacrifices" (I don't like using that word as its for my kids and id cut my arm off for them but I cant think of a better word)

I have sold my car which the proceeds went to help the ex buy a car, I have had to move back to my fathers as I couldn't afford to run my one bed flat and he now needs a little help so was kind of killing two birds with one stone and also I would have some spare cash to "live my life a little " (which I don't think is unreasonable as I work 50 hour weeks) but now I'm back at my dads the requests for extra financial help are becoming more frequent as and I quote her "more spare cash"

I realise bringing up five kids is expensive work and I don't envy it but is there a time to draw a line in the sand and say enough is enough and there will be no extra financial help (as I really cant afford it at the moment whilst I earn a fairly decent wage it isn't exactly a lot either

I guess I just need to see what the general consensus is?

should I throw in with extra money ? should I say the CSA says its 495 and that's all you're getting ? or what ? :confused:
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    starsailorstarsailor Posts: 11,347
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    #2
    If you can't afford it, don't pay it.

    Look at it this way, if you and the ex were still together, and your child wanted money for a Prom (£500!!! what the?), if you couldn't afford it, then you wouldn't pay it. If you're apart, there isn't any difference.

    You're paying for your children, that's being responsible. But you have a life as well, and you've made sacrifices, but you don't deserve to be bled dry.
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    gdjman68wasdigigdjman68wasdigi Posts: 21,705
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    #3
    OP, your exs CSA is to cover everything like this. It is up to your ex to manage the money responsibly. If the CSA are collecting and you give her extra, she will probably only deny it in the future

    dont give her one more penny..and as for selling your car.......


    good luck




    if you do decide to pay the money, i would pay directly and get a receipt...proof for the future

    reason the being the CSA are totally corrupt and all for mum..and not to be trusted
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    cris182cris182 Posts: 9,595
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    #4
    Is the prom £1000 and she is going half with you? Or is she just wanting you to pay the whole thing instead of £250 each?
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    gasheadgashead Posts: 13,822
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    #5
    OP - whilst I do think there has to be point at which you say 'Sorry, I simply can't afford to give you anymore', you probably should balance this against the likelihood of your ex making things (even more) difficult for you if you do refuse, such as making excuses as to why they can't come to see you this month. Is that fair, or moral? No, but no-one said divorce ever is. Is it likely she'd pull such a stunt? Only you can answer that. With that in mind, is a compromise possible when these 'requests' come up? E.g. "Sorry, I can't afford £500, but I can give you an extra £100."
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    gdjman68wasdigigdjman68wasdigi Posts: 21,705
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    #6
    Bermondseybrick wrote: »
    Firstly let me preface this by saying I do no begrudge/mind/have no issues making my child support payments in fact Im gald to do it

    firstly a quick bit of background

    I have four children that all live with the ex wife and her partner and their child that they have together down on the coast (about 2 and half hours drive) while I am in London

    I pay 495 a month in Child support payments plus her train fare when she brings the kids to London and I also cover my costs for taking them home (and obviously I pay for feeding them and "entertainment" when they are up in London with me )

    now to the crux of my question

    my Ex asks me for additional financial support and this I do begrudge (EG she has asked me for £500 extra for my eldest's prom this year)

    now the only reason I begrudge it is because of the personal "sacrifices" (I don't like using that word as its for my kids and id cut my arm off for them but I cant think of a better word)

    I have sold my car which the proceeds went to help the ex buy a car, I have had to move back to my fathers as I couldn't afford to run my one bed flat and he now needs a little help so was kind of killing two birds with one stone and also I would have some spare cash to "live my life a little " (which I don't think is unreasonable as I work 50 hour weeks) but now I'm back at my dads the requests for extra financial help are becoming more frequent as and I quote her "more spare cash"

    I realise bringing up five kids is expensive work and I don't envy it but is there a time to draw a line in the sand and say enough is enough and there will be no extra financial help (as I really cant afford it at the moment whilst I earn a fairly decent wage it isn't exactly a lot either

    I guess I just need to see what the general consensus is?

    should I throw in with extra money ? should I say the CSA says its 495 and that's all you're getting ? or what ? :confused:

    this is the bit that grinds my gears..

    shes taken your children away from you..

    you have lost your home..

    you have sold your car...

    i would tell her to manage with what she has and when the kids come to stay, spoil them rotten

    dont give in to blackmail with possible loss of contact, if you do it once, she will have you over a barrel for the rest of your life

    dont do it....
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    TWSTWS Posts: 9,307
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    #7
    Your maintenance is more than enough, as when you have them you are also spending money on them the same for their Christmas and birthdays so its more than fair.

    If this was a one off where she was looking to split costs I may view it differently but if she is constantly asking for extra money she frankly gets enough from you so I would say no.
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    UffaUffa Posts: 1,910
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    #8
    £500 for a prom? Bloody hell! Ok my take on things. Your ex wife and her partner live as a family with all 5 children. I think you pay enough and do enough for your children. It is time that Mummy and Stepdaddy stood up to the plate here. I really don't know how to say this without sounding horrible. Ok here goes (sorry if I have got it wrong) but she sounds a selfish bitch and if they want to play at happy families then they need to provide for the children too. You have lost (almost) everything over this woman. Don't give in to her. Can I ask how old your children are?
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,704
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    #9
    I definitely think from what you've said you have been incredibly generous and she is taking advantage. You should cut down/stop the extra payments until you've got yourself back on your feet at the earliest (if ever).

    You shouldn't be having to move back in with your father/selling things whilst working so many hours to pay extra on top of what the CSA have said you should pay.
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    academiaacademia Posts: 18,225
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    #10
    You have been assessed by the CSA and are meeting your obligations. You don't have topay any more. On the other hand, the prom is very big deal to your daughter and if you can manage it, play a part in getting her turned out for it-this is between you and her, not you and her mother. You could offer to pay for hair and makeover, for example. Certainly £500 is outrageous.
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 3,680
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    #11
    I think you should offer a reduced amount if there is any way you can afford it, to try to keep harmony which is obviously worth far more in the long run.

    £30 per week for a child wont go very far these days. School meals alone would take a big chunk of that.
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    2shy20072shy2007 Posts: 52,579
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    #12
    Don't give her a penny more , she is supposed to budget that money, £500 for a prom? how ridiculous.Its just a school disco after all. My sons fathers have not paid one penny in the upbringing of their children, I would think that she should think herself lucky that you contribute massively already.
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    CadivaCadiva Posts: 18,412
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    #13
    I think you clearly have your kids interests at heart and have gone above and beyond what's "expected" of you financially and legally. I would say to your ex-wife that no, sorry you can't afford to keep giving her extra money but that you're willing to offer her X amount as a one off for this specific occasion but that it won't happen again.
    academia wrote: »
    You could offer to pay for hair and makeover, for example.

    That's a very good idea, it shows you appreciate the importance of the event but that you're not going to be a mug and cough up everything to the ex-wife.
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    starsailorstarsailor Posts: 11,347
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    #14
    If it was me, even if I coughed up the money, I would want to see receipts to make sure it was being spent on what it was asked for....
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    Bulletguy1Bulletguy1 Posts: 18,429
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    #15
    Bermondseybrick wrote: »
    ....should I throw in with extra money?
    No.
    Bermondseybrick wrote: »
    should I say the CSA says its 495 and that's all you're getting?
    Yes.
    Bermondseybrick wrote: »
    ....or what ? :confused:
    Reverse roles. Tell her you will give up your job, have your children come to live with you, and she can go out to work and when the maintenance money is rolling in, ask her to stump up the occasional £500.

    I know which option she will choose.
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    phepiaphepia Posts: 1,476
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    #16
    Blimey I get £35 per month for my two almost adult boys from their father. And he is working part time, and has lodgers so can afford more.
    I would offer her as much as you can afford, and if that is nothing, then say sorry but no. Why should you go into hardship because she wants money.
    I kitted my daughter out for £65 dress for her prom, £20 her her share of the limo, and it came altogether to just under £150 for the whole evening. She's taking the pee, sorry.
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    BermondseybrickBermondseybrick Posts: 1,256
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    #17
    I just don't want to let my daughter down she is almost 16 and although id like to think the ex isn't the sort to bad mouth to the kids. Theres also a lot of things she done since we split that I would have said she wouldn't have done so I don't know

    the 500 is meant to cover hair dress shoes transport tickets etc (I kind of get the feeling that I'm paying for it all) and I don't want to be the reason that she cant go as the ex cant afford it I failed to mention that she shouldn't be having another kid but that's not my place

    I also get it in the ear the fact that her partner pays extra for his daughter from a previous relationship and while im not competing with him it gets tedious hearing how "fantastic" he is

    at the end of the day I just don't want to let my kids down and would hate to hear them going without
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    mred2000mred2000 Posts: 10,050
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    #18
    Bermondseybrick wrote: »
    the 500 is meant to cover hair dress shoes transport tickets etc (I kind of get the feeling that I'm paying for it all)

    You are. She's taking the mickey.

    My niece didn't spend £500 on her prom and she bought 3 dresses!
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    Summer BreezeSummer Breeze Posts: 4,399
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    #19
    I think that what you pay is a very good amount.
    Your ex will be getting family allowance for all your children as well.
    Of course I do not know her financial circumstances but she may well be getting family credits or whatever they are called now.

    If you have some spare money and want to help your daughter out, then do.
    If you do not, then you just can not.
    Your daughter at that age should understand.

    When my kids Father left he gave me £60 a week for all 3 children for about a year, then that stopped just like that.
    I did not chase him for it, I just went to work more.
    You are doing well to provide all that you do.

    I wish you all the best as ever.
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    karapote monkeykarapote monkey Posts: 3,688
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    #20
    I think 500 is too much. It isn't like she is on her own. I would go halvsies and maybe watch the price go down. If you don't do it with the first one, you will be expected to pay 500 for the other three or it won't be fair. Set a benchmark.
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    gasheadgashead Posts: 13,822
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    #21
    Bermondseybrick wrote: »
    the 500 is meant to cover hair dress shoes transport tickets etc (I kind of get the feeling that I'm paying for it all) and I don't want to be the reason that she cant go as the ex cant afford it I failed to mention that she shouldn't be having another kid but that's not my place
    Out of interest, do you know for fact - i.e. because your daughter's told you - that she 'needs' £500, or is this just what your ex is telling you? Even if you were paying for it all, that's a lot of money for a Prom. Is it possible your ex is using this as an excuse to squeeze more cash out of you, and in reality, only a small fraction of that £500 will end up being spent on your daughter? Is it feasible for you to say, "Tell you what, next time she comes to London, I'll take her out, but her the dress and shoes, plus give her another £50 (or whatever) to put towards hair and transport." ? If your ex is on the level, she shouldn't have a problem with this.
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    BermondseybrickBermondseybrick Posts: 1,256
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    #22
    Summer Breeze wrote: »
    I think that what you pay is a very good amount.
    Your ex will be getting family allowance for all your children as well.
    Of course I do not know her financial circumstances but she may well be getting family credits or whatever they are called now.

    If you have some spare money and want to help your daughter out, then do.
    If you do not, then you just can not.
    Your daughter at that age should understand.

    When my kids Father left he gave me £60 a week for all 3 children for about a year, then that stopped just like that.
    I did not chase him for it, I just went to work more.
    You are doing well to provide all that you do.

    I wish you all the best as ever.


    she should but lets just say that she has been allowed to get away with murder since moving and has become a madam (im hoping this the the fact that she is 16 and the world is out to get you at that age and everything is unfair) and she will grow out of it
    but we have had a couple of falling outs over money

    well I know what she was getting when we were together and it was a fair lump so I can only imagine that its the same if not more
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    BermondseybrickBermondseybrick Posts: 1,256
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    #23
    gashead wrote: »
    Out of interest, do you know for fact - i.e. because your daughter's told you - that she 'needs' £500, or is this just what your ex is telling you? Even if you were paying for it all, that's a lot of money for a Prom. Is it possible your ex is using this as an excuse to squeeze more cash out of you, and in reality, only a small fraction of that £500 will end up being spent on your daughter? Is it feasible for you to say, "Tell you what, next time she comes to London, I'll take her out, but her the dress and shoes, plus give her another £50 (or whatever) to put towards hair and transport." ? If your ex is on the level, she shouldn't have a problem with this.

    I might actually try this as I whilst I don't mind paying for my mind I think I should draw the line at paying for her son with her partner too
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    BermondseybrickBermondseybrick Posts: 1,256
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    #24
    I think my biggest worry in all this as the other poster who posted earlier

    the second I stop giving the extra money ill get the cant bring them to London ..etc etec and it will effect me seeing the kids

    Im still paying off my solicitor for the divorce and the contact issues she invented (almost done thanks god ;)) so couldn't really afford to go solicitors route again ...don't get me wrong I WILL do it just rather not have to you know
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    academiaacademia Posts: 18,225
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    #25
    Bermondseybrick wrote: »
    I just don't want to let my daughter down she is almost 16 and although id like to think the ex isn't the sort to bad mouth to the kids. Theres also a lot of things she done since we split that I would have said she wouldn't have done so I don't know

    the 500 is meant to cover hair dress shoes transport tickets etc (I kind of get the feeling that I'm paying for it all) and I don't want to be the reason that she cant go as the ex cant afford it I failed to mention that she shouldn't be having another kid but that's not my place

    I also get it in the ear the fact that her partner pays extra for his daughter from a previous relationship and while im not competing with him it gets tedious hearing how "fantastic" he is

    at the end of the day I just don't want to let my kids down and would hate to hear them going without

    Cut your ex out of this and deal directly with your daughter-she's old enough for a trip to the shkps with Dad. High ztreet shops are full of promdresses in the season. Other posters have come up with reasonable prices for a dress and so on.
    This way yourdaughter will know you are interested in her big night out. Your ex can say what she likes then.
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    shmiskshmisk Posts: 7,963
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    #26
    If the money is for the prom, give it straight to your child.

    I think offering something towards it like you probably would have if you were still together would be a nice gesture
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