Sympathy to Handers, and everyone else who has had someone dump them in this way. Like others, I am shocked how often this seems to have happened, as it's such blatantly scummy behaviour. Totally agree with this:
- between the time when it's too early to worry and the time when's it's obvious they aren't getting in touch again, you go through a nightmare of anxiety waiting for the phone to ring (and it must be worse today what with email/mobile phones/facebook).
And yes I have experienced it too, some years back. Going from 'I love you' to silence in a day. For me it followed directly on from his taking me out for my birthday, and giving me lovely presents - a jacket and necklace which I tried to just carry on wearing anyway later, as I liked them and didn't want them to go to waste, but never really could. (At one level I just couldn't understand why he would spend that money if he intended to dump me - and don't say guilt because I'm fairly sure it wasn't that.) I can't remember exactly how it went but I did send a long angry text a couple of months later, some time after it was very definately over, and basically because I still needed 'closure'. We did talk but I never really understood - that is he sort of just turned it round by saying he thought there was no point in contacting me and explaining as he knew I woudn't take him back (bloody right). It was one of those situations where he had persuaded me to go out with him by a long campaign, so I always kind of assumed he was more keen on me than I was on him ... maybe that's grounds enouth for dumping me like he did!
I think this is spot on. I watched the Channel 4 programme "Why Am I Still Single?" this week, and the woman on it had this complicated on/off relationship with an ex. The bloke investigating her life found out that this dude was the love of her life, but he wouldn't commit, wasn't sure what he wanted etc. Then it turns out she still sees this guy and sleeps with him. When he spoke to her about it and told her she deserved better, that she needed to tell her ex to decide if he wanted to be with her properly or not, and if not to stop seeing him. She freaked out, was crying and saying she didn't want to give him an ultimatum and scare him off.
I wanted to shake her and tell her she deserved more. She deserved to know where she stood and not let the guy have the relationship entirely on his ground. I think that's what a lot of us do. I know, being honest, I've done it myself.
For me the most poignant moment of the show was when she was saying: "But you can't give men an ultimatum", and the guy looked at her, flaberghasted, and said "Yes, you can. I'm a man. Yes, you can."
We've always been taught as women that we should be feminine and undemanding and not ask for commitment too soon etc. etc. but there is a difference between demanding a wedding ring on the first date and seeking a firm commitment when it is due.
Sympathy to Handers, and everyone else who has had someone dump them in this way. Like others, I am shocked how often this seems to have happened, as it's such blatantly scummy behaviour. Totally agree with this:
And yes I have experienced it too, some years back. Going from 'I love you' to silence in a day. For me it followed directly on from his taking me out for my birthday, and giving me lovely presents - a jacket and necklace which I tried to just carry on wearing anyway later, as I liked them and didn't want them to go to waste, but never really could. (At one level I just couldn't understand why he would spend that money if he intended to dump me - and don't say guilt because I'm fairly sure it wasn't that.) I can't remember exactly how it went but I did send a long angry text a couple of months later, some time after it was very definately over, and basically because I still needed 'closure'. We did talk but I never really understood - that is he sort of just turned it round by saying he thought there was no point in contacting me and explaining as he knew I woudn't take him back (bloody right). It was one of those situations where he had persuaded me to go out with him by a long campaign, so I always kind of assumed he was more keen on me than I was on him ... maybe that's grounds enouth for dumping me like he did!
I can totally relate to that, the guy in my story wasn't some kind of player, he was actually not that self confident when I started seeing him, a bit geeky in his dress sense and TBH a lot of people wondered what I saw in him. He always worried that I would find someone else while he was away, so that's partly why I was so shocked at the way it ended. Men are strange creatures!
It's that slow realisation that the person you thought they were doesn't exist. I'm really sorry to read about everyone's experiences but it has helped in a way. Onwards and upwards folks !
It's that slow realisation that the person you thought they were doesn't exist. I'm really sorry to read about everyone's experiences but it has helped in a way. Onwards and upwards folks !
Totally agree. And it helps to know that this has happened to other people too - at the time I thought I was the only one this had happened - none of the girls I knew at the time would never even admit that the guy had finished the relationship, never mind disappeared without warning:)
Hopefully any guys reading this thread will think twice about doing a disappearing act!
Hopefully any guys reading this thread will think twice about doing a disappearing act!
In a perfect world, you'd say that most decent blokes wouldn't do that anyway, but judging by the amount of times it's happened to people, I suppose you don't really know !
For me the most poignant moment of the show was when she was saying: "But you can't give men an ultimatum", and the guy looked at her, flaberghasted, and said "Yes, you can. I'm a man. Yes, you can."
We've always been taught as women that we should be feminine and undemanding and not ask for commitment too soon etc. etc. but there is a difference between demanding a wedding ring on the first date and seeking a firm commitment when it is due.
I agree a man I was dating (I thought it was going well) asked me for space so I told him he can have as much space as he wanted from me I.e for ever, we have now been married for 18 years. People deserve someone worthy of them otherwise they are wasting their time , which is precious.
Had a similar situation to you, was pursued for months and kept putting pressure in about how I felt so he knew where he stood. We worked together so I was very cautious. Things settled down and were going fine.
All of a sudden, he went quiet and started chatting to another girl and barely said a word to me. I let it go on, til I got sick of it and blew up at him and accused him of ignoring me everyday. I put him on the spot, for a change, and asked if he was fed up with me. He stood and blatantly denied it and I took him at his word. A week later, he went cold fish again at a friends wedding we both attended. We got home and I got really upset as he cut the weekend short. I then asked him what was going on and didn't want any excuses. I got the "I don't know what I want" line.
I like you was so angry and felt humiliated and took it very personally, even more so when he went back to work and flung himself at this other girl. He then went around oblivious as to why I was so upset and effectively lost my friendship, which I hadn't wanted to lose in the first place.
Go on your date and if your ex appears, which he no doubts will, give him hell.
I would say that getting on with your life, enjoying yourself, being around friends and having a good time is the ultimate revenge on this person.
Also, if he does resurface and texts you or contacts you via FB or whatever, you could just write back 'Sorry, who are you?'. THAT will be the biggest blow to his ego.
If he turns up in person, just tell him you're seeing someone and are no longer interested in him. Don't ever give him the satisfaction of thinking that he's important enough to have hurt you. xx
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And yes I have experienced it too, some years back. Going from 'I love you' to silence in a day. For me it followed directly on from his taking me out for my birthday, and giving me lovely presents - a jacket and necklace which I tried to just carry on wearing anyway later, as I liked them and didn't want them to go to waste, but never really could. (At one level I just couldn't understand why he would spend that money if he intended to dump me
For me the most poignant moment of the show was when she was saying: "But you can't give men an ultimatum", and the guy looked at her, flaberghasted, and said "Yes, you can. I'm a man. Yes, you can."
We've always been taught as women that we should be feminine and undemanding and not ask for commitment too soon etc. etc. but there is a difference between demanding a wedding ring on the first date and seeking a firm commitment when it is due.
I once got the reply "yeah, but most of it's haddock, sadly, and i'm more a dover sole kinda gal"
I can totally relate to that, the guy in my story wasn't some kind of player, he was actually not that self confident when I started seeing him, a bit geeky in his dress sense and TBH a lot of people wondered what I saw in him. He always worried that I would find someone else while he was away, so that's partly why I was so shocked at the way it ended. Men are strange creatures!
Totally agree. And it helps to know that this has happened to other people too - at the time I thought I was the only one this had happened - none of the girls I knew at the time would never even admit that the guy had finished the relationship, never mind disappeared without warning:)
Hopefully any guys reading this thread will think twice about doing a disappearing act!
In a perfect world, you'd say that most decent blokes wouldn't do that anyway, but judging by the amount of times it's happened to people, I suppose you don't really know !
I agree a man I was dating (I thought it was going well) asked me for space so I told him he can have as much space as he wanted from me I.e for ever, we have now been married for 18 years. People deserve someone worthy of them otherwise they are wasting their time , which is precious.
I may suggest that at our next staff meeting
All of a sudden, he went quiet and started chatting to another girl and barely said a word to me. I let it go on, til I got sick of it and blew up at him and accused him of ignoring me everyday. I put him on the spot, for a change, and asked if he was fed up with me. He stood and blatantly denied it and I took him at his word. A week later, he went cold fish again at a friends wedding we both attended. We got home and I got really upset as he cut the weekend short. I then asked him what was going on and didn't want any excuses. I got the "I don't know what I want" line.
I like you was so angry and felt humiliated and took it very personally, even more so when he went back to work and flung himself at this other girl. He then went around oblivious as to why I was so upset and effectively lost my friendship, which I hadn't wanted to lose in the first place.
Go on your date and if your ex appears, which he no doubts will, give him hell.
Also, if he does resurface and texts you or contacts you via FB or whatever, you could just write back 'Sorry, who are you?'. THAT will be the biggest blow to his ego.
If he turns up in person, just tell him you're seeing someone and are no longer interested in him. Don't ever give him the satisfaction of thinking that he's important enough to have hurt you. xx