That as well. I am enjoying where I am & don't want to be moved. My line manager is really kind to me & i don't want to leave my current department. In fact she has been wonderful in terms of being more than just my boss. She invited me over to her house for dinner last Christmas with her family as she knew I would be alone. She also gave me a very nice present for my birthday last month... I only discovered it was quite expensive when I googled the object
Well you have a very kind friend there already, maybe you don't realise it, but you can't be that unlikeable, if someone wants to spend Christmas with you. Sometimes i think people assume everyone has lots of friends, but how many really support each other when it's needed? Better to have a couple who are genuine. I've been really down before and friends haven't even noticed or asked why.
Sounds like you're having a bit of a moment, and that's ok. We can't always be strong all the time, and it takes the down times to make us realise how good the good times are when they happen. I'd agree with what others have said. Try and find something you like doing, or would like to have a go at and go to a class of some kind. There might be a few things you could do, say one class for one term, then try something else the next. But either way you will meet people who are more your cup of tea. Work people are just random, and often you have nothing in common but work.
I'm having a hard time at the moment too. I don't see many people or talk to people. That's just my life circumstance and I'm ok with it because I know it's not forever. But for a period last year I went to a class. It was only jewellery making, but for me it was one hour a week where I could get away from life's stress and sort of change the subject. It gave me something else to think about. I'm not loud, and I'm fairly quiet and shy. So although I didn't contribute a great deal to the conversations, especially as some people were super chatty, I would always be pleasant, helpful, smile in the right places, and say the odd thing and it was nice just listening to other people. I'm more someone who would reply when spoken to, not the first to instigate a conversation, although doing the class, it helped me with that a bit. What I found really nice was that I could forget about everything else while I was there, and maybe discuss which beads were pretty for a particular type of necklace, and come home with something I had made. What I found really interesting though, were the reasons why other people went there. One of them was very ill, and it was her escape from thinking about her illness, another one was doing it like me, as a way of just getting out of the house and meeting other people, and another was doing it because she had some kind of anxiety problems and she found it kind of calming. There were quite a few out of 12 of us that although they like jewellery, they had other reasons for going. So advice got passed around the odd time, some of them would say their problems, some would just make us laugh. But the best bit was that I went home feeling a bit more fulfilled for me as a person and that I had just had a great time. I didn't make any special close friends there, but I wasn't looking for that, so it's not something I tried to pursue, but I could have done. It might be something worth your while to take you out of yourself a bit and forget life's general crap. When I have a bit more spare cash and a bit more time, I will certainly go to another class again and try and reopen my world a bit more.
Er... thank you everyone. I think I was feeling down last night (or rather this morning)
I thought i had got over my mum's death but i suppose i haven't really. It feels stupid to be still shedding a few tears 3 years on but it just happened out of the blue as I couldn't get to sleep... I blame it on hearing dolly parton singing 'i will always love you' on the radio at the time...:o & feeling really lonely without her
I joined clubs at university societies fayre but it wasn't a good experience as i am shy. I remembering joining a particular large students' society & turned up to the first evening. I was pretty much ignored by everyone else. They split us into little groups to get to know each other but the group i was paired with didn't seem interested in talking to me & i was left sitting in a corner sipping my drink... I felt so awfully embarrassed that I got up & left half way. I literally fled out the door and down the stairs outside... :eek:
The experience rather scarred me. I suppose it made me even more shy & my self esteem at rock bottom :(
honestly, I wouldn't blame yourself. I can imagine how awful this would be, but I'm sure times like that happen to everyone, although, I appreciate it's very much harder to deal with when you're very shy.
Your boss obviously likes you, so you have a vote of confidence there.
I notice since I stopped watching football and not talking about it, TBH I just got sick of the sport dominating the pub television and most conversations and only talked about it tpo fit in, quite a few of the men in the pub don't really speak to me now. It's like, oooh, he doesn't like football, he must be weird or gay.
However, I do have a partner that I visit most weekends, only trouble is she's 100 miles away and this weekend I might not be able to get through as she reckons she is coming down with a really bad cold and next weekend I'm going to a school reunion, so it will be 3 weeks apart. As there is little else locally at weekends, it's endure the football bores and either feign interest or be ignored.
I don't seem to be able to make friends. I got on well with classmates at school & uni and now with most people at work. But no one seem to want to be close friends with me. I've always been shy. I am not witty & I am not good at banter or jokes. I suppose i must be unlikeable
I am now in my 20s & I do worry it's too late to make real friends. I do try to feel happy with my own company but it's hard sometimes
But I am very loyal & generous. I spent about £100 on bottles of wine as gifts to numerous colleagues last Christmas. Only 2 people gave me a present. Only 1 person gave me a card. On top of everything, my mum passed away three years ago & I was really close to her so losing her has made me feel even more lonely. I don't know why I am in bed at 4.40 posting my feelings on DS on my iPhone, with tears streaming down my face. It's so stupid...
I don't seem to be able to make friends. I got on well with classmates at school & uni and now with most people at work. But no one seem to want to be close friends with me....DS on my iPhone, with tears streaming down my face. It's so stupid...
You will be familiar with the idea of perception: just as the same view can seem dismal in wintry rain when the light is going, and downright gorgeous in bright sun on a late spring day, your view of life is rather clouded.
No, you are not unlikeable, but it seems to me that you are suffering from mild to moderate depression and that is something you can do something about. I know because I have been there and felt just as you now feel.
Go to see your GP and explain things and ask to be put on a temporary course of anti-depressants. Once your mood has lifted a little, believe me you will see things differently.
On a practical level, you can and should also join a group or two, something involved in something you are interested in. It might involve sport or something else - doesn't matter. Even the forward momentum of taking some kind of action like that will help. Finally, like yourself a little more. I should imagine that at the moment you are spending quite a bit of time beating yourself up. Don't. Just like yourself a little more. And when I finish by saying 'good luck', I mean it as wishing you well, not that you will need luck. Oh, and it might help to know that you are not alone in your feelings - if only you knew it, a great many of the people out there you think are having the time of their lives are in a similar situation to you.
Try to meet more people and see if there is any luck to have close friends. You can take some courses relating to hobbies such as cooking and photography. Also check with charity organizations for volunteer works.
I don't seem to be able to make friends. I got on well with classmates at school & uni and now with most people at work. But no one seem to want to be close friends with me. I've always been shy. I am not witty & I am not good at banter or jokes. I suppose i must be unlikeable
I am now in my 20s & I do worry it's too late to make real friends. I do try to feel happy with my own company but it's hard sometimes
But I am very loyal & generous. I spent about £100 on bottles of wine as gifts to numerous colleagues last Christmas. Only 2 people gave me a present. Only 1 person gave me a card. On top of everything, my mum passed away three years ago & I was really close to her so losing her has made me feel even more lonely. I don't know why I am in bed at 4.40 posting my feelings on DS on my iPhone, with tears streaming down my face. It's so stupid...
I have a few constructive suggestions if I may, Ovalteenie. The first of which is counterintuitive - try and develop a mindset so that you're complete and happy within yourself so that you don't need anyone else for your happiness.
If there are ever any work-related social activities, I'd suggest going to them even if it's difficult and takes you out of your comfort zone as it were. I'd also suggest seeing if there are any young adult social clubs, such as Rotaract, in your area.
I'd also suggest looking around to see if there are any clubs and societies locally where you already have an interest or could develop one. In addition, have you looked around for voluntary work especially opportunities where you will get to meet people of broadly the same age?
Finally, you mentioned that shyness has been an issue. I'd take a look at the self-help books here: http://www.overcoming.co.uk/single.htm?ipg=7504. In particular, there's one called Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness. If that doesn't work then it might be time to see the GP and discuss what counselling/medication options are available to help you. Good luck!
OP (and anyone else who wants friends but doesn't think they will find them), try: www.meetup.com
Please don't think that the only options in life and friendship are: pub, work friends or stay indoors.
It simply isn't true: there's more hope than you realise.
Oh, and while you're at it - if you're looking for some adventure in your life, check out a group on meetup called uDare. The people are friendly and up for adventure and the group leader is fun but completely trustworthy too. I've climbed mountains with him, I should know.
Oh well. Goodnight. I know I am talking to myself really.
Also OP, please try to be a little bit patient and reasonable with other people. Assuming that most people will be asleep at the time you posted (many people work five days a week) and probably won't see this until the following morning, it's highly unlikely you'll get an instant and/or decent response at this time of day.
As for trying to find friends, one of the things you can do is instead of focussing on whether or not *you're* interesting enough to talk to, just go up and say hi and ask that person a question or two about themselves. Try to be interested in what other people are doing instead of worrying too much about yourself.
Also, it can be difficult to just go up and talk to someone randomly. That's why Meetup.com is such a good thing - most of the groups on that website are for activities. So instead of having the awkwardness of sitting in front of someone in a pub in silence, you will always have something to talk about with other people - ie. you can always talk about the activity you are doing because that is the one thing you know straightaway you have in common. eg. you all decided to come to that social event because you like, for example, playing tennis / going on long walks / going to 80s nights / going to book clubs or poetry reading / going on adventure courses down zip wires at 60mph. If you get stuck for conversation, you can just chat about (or not chat about but just focus on) the activity you decided to do. That should hopefully put you at ease with other people and give you the courage to ask them questions.
I'd def look into voluntary work OP. First you can choose an area you're interested in - animals, people, horticulture etc. You'll then meet like-minded people which gives you a starting point for conversation. You'll also be doing something of worth with your spare time, and that can really help boost self-esteem.
Thanks for all the advice. I've read books on social anxiety/shyness before & they pretty much describe me. They do point out that shyness in children is cute, but shyness in an adult can come across as aloofness or rudeness...maybe that's why I have difficulty making friends?
It's also why I am not good at job interviews. I don't blow my trumpet enough
Thanks for all the advice. I've read books on social anxiety/shyness before & they pretty much describe me. They do point out that shyness in children is cute, but shyness in an adult can come across as aloofness or rudeness...maybe that's why I have difficulty making friends?
It's also why I am not good at job interviews. I don't blow my trumpet enough
I was brought up by a family who are very informal with everyone they meet, and who tend to put a lot of emotional intensity into their words, speaking dramatically and sentimentally. I suppose I'm like that myself in real life. In the past, unless a person I hadn't met before looked obviously nervous, or looked low or upset, I used to dislike them if they seemed reserved and spoke in a reserved way, because I used to conclude that they were cold and uncaring about other people. Only recently, have I realised that some people like that are sometimes just very shy, and do want to be liked, but just find it very hard to make conversation. So if that is you, perhaps some of the people who haven't warmed to you in the past have just thought you want to be left alone and have no interest in others, and it might help to try to come across as a little more warm/emotional, even if this feels fake at first. Like if someone says something emotional to you, respond with definite sympathy and so on. Like - even if it's just a little insincere in the first instance, just showing some emotion and some emotional supportiveness can make you seem approachable and caring, and that's an important hurdle over with regarding the lots of people who thrive on warmth and informality like myself.
You sound very like me so don't worry, you are not abnormal! I think a lot of it is in our minds though, I am sure you are not the reason why people turned down your request to join you at AT. You might feel as if that were the case because of a bit of low self esteem. It happens to me too. I used to have a good crowd of friends in my 20's through work etc and then I moved down south and got married. Initially I had lots of friends who were my hubby's mates and their wives/girlfriends etc, but gradually we lost contact with a lot of people we knew in the 90's. People moved away, got married or got divorced etc etc and I also lost off with a lot of the young Mums I was friendly with when my two sons were born in the early 90's.
Fast forward to now and I often feel quite lonely. I live in a lively area and I have a busy work life where I meet lots of people, but I don't often want to go out with them because to be honest some of them I can not bear at the best of times and so to socialise with them as well doesn't appeal! I too have tried clubs but I hate going in to rooms full of people I don't know. Quite often I enjoy my own company. I have a dog now so when I go on walks I will sometimes chat to other dog walkers and feel I have had my quota of human contact and I can go home happily.
I agree with some other posters on here. I think having lots of friends would be hard work. Also people have let me down in the past whom I thought were true friends and if the truth be told I can't be arsed with all of that anymore. However, I have to say that I am glad I married when I did because right now my side of the church would be empty! :eek:
Thanks Janie I was a bit scared about coming back on here before now because I thought someone might have said something horrible.
Op, sadly, I know exactly how you feel. I will be 51 on Saturday (not to depress you further, I'm sure you won't have to be 'alone' that long) and I still have no friends either.
I am happily married, thankfully, but I just wish I had a friends. I've tried clubs but I'm just not a club person. I try too hard, get 'over jolly' and end up saying something stupid through nerves.
Like you I am kind and loving, I would never do or say anything to hurt anyone but just can't get anyone to like me.
A few years ago my Husband celebrated 30 years at his work and we were given a weekend away at Alton Towers for us and 2 friends. It was all totally free - free hire car, free hotel stay, meals, special trip to A.T. with a VIP area just for us and his colleagues even free spending money and even then we couldn't get anyone to go with us! 3 couples turned us down and it's not even because they had something else booked. Finally we persuaded his Brother to come and even he was reluctant and spent the weekend texting other people.
It's not my Husband, he is popular, so I can only guess that is me. Why?
I'd suggest it's not you, it's the venue. I don't know any adult who doesn't have small kids who would remotely consider going to Alton Towers, even free, gratis and for nothing.
I have a few constructive suggestions if I may, Ovalteenie. The first of which is counterintuitive - try and develop a mindset so that you're complete and happy within yourself so that you don't need anyone else for your happiness.
This is so important. Try not to focus too much on what other people think of you and appreciate all the good qualities you have. And do things you enjoy, even if you do them on your own. The weekend in Leeds is a good start.
When you're happier and more secure in yourself, it will come across naturally and you might find conversations with other people flow a lot more easily.
I also agree with the person who recommended joining a tour group for a holiday. I travelled to New Zealand on my own after my friend let me down at the last minute (no way was I giving up on a trip like that) and I joined a bus tour which was full of other lone travellers. It was the best holiday of my life, and at the end of the three weeks I had made friends with people from all over the world. It will probably bring you out of your shell a little bit too.
I am very loyal & generous. I spent about £100 on bottles of wine as gifts to numerous colleagues last Christmas. Only 2 people gave me a present. Only 1 person gave me a card.
There's nothing wrong with being loyal & generous but it sounds like your trying to buy friends which is a big mistake for a start.
I have a few constructive suggestions if I may, Ovalteenie. The first of which is counterintuitive - try and develop a mindset so that you're complete and happy within yourself so that you don't need anyone else for your happiness.
If there are ever any work-related social activities, I'd suggest going to them even if it's difficult and takes you out of your comfort zone as it were. I'd also suggest seeing if there are any young adult social clubs, such as Rotaract, in your area.
I'd also suggest looking around to see if there are any clubs and societies locally where you already have an interest or could develop one. In addition, have you looked around for voluntary work especially opportunities where you will get to meet people of broadly the same age?
Finally, you mentioned that shyness has been an issue. I'd take a look at the self-help books here: http://www.overcoming.co.uk/single.htm?ipg=7504. In particular, there's one called Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness. If that doesn't work then it might be time to see the GP and discuss what counselling/medication options are available to help you. Good luck!
I think this is a great post, with lots of very good advice, especially when it comes to moving out of your comfort zone. I used to be very shy when young but gradually overcame it, but that was largely due to making friends with someone who got me out and about and doing lots of things that I never thought I would.
I think the big thing is not to be too hard on yourself, and don't expect everything to change over night. Take it one step at a time, and if one specific thing doesn't work out, then try not to take it to heart and be proud of yourself for at least attempting to change things.
I'd also echo the recommendation for meetup.com, there's thousands of groups on there, and some very specific ones which might cater to your tastes, and most of the ones I've attended have been a lot of fun. And the ones that haven't, well, at least I got a few good anecdotes out of them!
Good luck, anyway, and I hope you find happiness soon.
There's a massive difference between real friends, and people with whom you interact socially (at work or leisure). I've only got about three true friends, and I'm happy with that. I do a fair amount of socializing, and I'm happy with that as well, but to be honest, I'm probably not a great person to be friends with - I enjoy my own company too much!
Comments
I will be alone though but I'll have a nice double bed hotel room to myself
Well you have a very kind friend there already, maybe you don't realise it, but you can't be that unlikeable, if someone wants to spend Christmas with you. Sometimes i think people assume everyone has lots of friends, but how many really support each other when it's needed? Better to have a couple who are genuine. I've been really down before and friends haven't even noticed or asked why.
I'm having a hard time at the moment too. I don't see many people or talk to people. That's just my life circumstance and I'm ok with it because I know it's not forever. But for a period last year I went to a class. It was only jewellery making, but for me it was one hour a week where I could get away from life's stress and sort of change the subject. It gave me something else to think about. I'm not loud, and I'm fairly quiet and shy. So although I didn't contribute a great deal to the conversations, especially as some people were super chatty, I would always be pleasant, helpful, smile in the right places, and say the odd thing and it was nice just listening to other people. I'm more someone who would reply when spoken to, not the first to instigate a conversation, although doing the class, it helped me with that a bit. What I found really nice was that I could forget about everything else while I was there, and maybe discuss which beads were pretty for a particular type of necklace, and come home with something I had made. What I found really interesting though, were the reasons why other people went there. One of them was very ill, and it was her escape from thinking about her illness, another one was doing it like me, as a way of just getting out of the house and meeting other people, and another was doing it because she had some kind of anxiety problems and she found it kind of calming. There were quite a few out of 12 of us that although they like jewellery, they had other reasons for going. So advice got passed around the odd time, some of them would say their problems, some would just make us laugh. But the best bit was that I went home feeling a bit more fulfilled for me as a person and that I had just had a great time. I didn't make any special close friends there, but I wasn't looking for that, so it's not something I tried to pursue, but I could have done. It might be something worth your while to take you out of yourself a bit and forget life's general crap. When I have a bit more spare cash and a bit more time, I will certainly go to another class again and try and reopen my world a bit more.
honestly, I wouldn't blame yourself. I can imagine how awful this would be, but I'm sure times like that happen to everyone, although, I appreciate it's very much harder to deal with when you're very shy.
Your boss obviously likes you, so you have a vote of confidence there.
noorani - thank you for sharing your story & good luck
However, I do have a partner that I visit most weekends, only trouble is she's 100 miles away and this weekend I might not be able to get through as she reckons she is coming down with a really bad cold and next weekend I'm going to a school reunion, so it will be 3 weeks apart. As there is little else locally at weekends, it's endure the football bores and either feign interest or be ignored.
I haven't any friends.
You will be familiar with the idea of perception: just as the same view can seem dismal in wintry rain when the light is going, and downright gorgeous in bright sun on a late spring day, your view of life is rather clouded.
No, you are not unlikeable, but it seems to me that you are suffering from mild to moderate depression and that is something you can do something about. I know because I have been there and felt just as you now feel.
Go to see your GP and explain things and ask to be put on a temporary course of anti-depressants. Once your mood has lifted a little, believe me you will see things differently.
On a practical level, you can and should also join a group or two, something involved in something you are interested in. It might involve sport or something else - doesn't matter. Even the forward momentum of taking some kind of action like that will help. Finally, like yourself a little more. I should imagine that at the moment you are spending quite a bit of time beating yourself up. Don't. Just like yourself a little more. And when I finish by saying 'good luck', I mean it as wishing you well, not that you will need luck. Oh, and it might help to know that you are not alone in your feelings - if only you knew it, a great many of the people out there you think are having the time of their lives are in a similar situation to you.
I have a few constructive suggestions if I may, Ovalteenie. The first of which is counterintuitive - try and develop a mindset so that you're complete and happy within yourself so that you don't need anyone else for your happiness.
If there are ever any work-related social activities, I'd suggest going to them even if it's difficult and takes you out of your comfort zone as it were. I'd also suggest seeing if there are any young adult social clubs, such as Rotaract, in your area.
I'd also suggest looking around to see if there are any clubs and societies locally where you already have an interest or could develop one. In addition, have you looked around for voluntary work especially opportunities where you will get to meet people of broadly the same age?
Finally, you mentioned that shyness has been an issue. I'd take a look at the self-help books here: http://www.overcoming.co.uk/single.htm?ipg=7504. In particular, there's one called Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness. If that doesn't work then it might be time to see the GP and discuss what counselling/medication options are available to help you. Good luck!
www.meetup.com
Please don't think that the only options in life and friendship are: pub, work friends or stay indoors.
It simply isn't true: there's more hope than you realise.
Oh, and while you're at it - if you're looking for some adventure in your life, check out a group on meetup called uDare. The people are friendly and up for adventure and the group leader is fun but completely trustworthy too. I've climbed mountains with him, I should know.
Also OP, please try to be a little bit patient and reasonable with other people. Assuming that most people will be asleep at the time you posted (many people work five days a week) and probably won't see this until the following morning, it's highly unlikely you'll get an instant and/or decent response at this time of day.
As for trying to find friends, one of the things you can do is instead of focussing on whether or not *you're* interesting enough to talk to, just go up and say hi and ask that person a question or two about themselves. Try to be interested in what other people are doing instead of worrying too much about yourself.
Also, it can be difficult to just go up and talk to someone randomly. That's why Meetup.com is such a good thing - most of the groups on that website are for activities. So instead of having the awkwardness of sitting in front of someone in a pub in silence, you will always have something to talk about with other people - ie. you can always talk about the activity you are doing because that is the one thing you know straightaway you have in common. eg. you all decided to come to that social event because you like, for example, playing tennis / going on long walks / going to 80s nights / going to book clubs or poetry reading / going on adventure courses down zip wires at 60mph. If you get stuck for conversation, you can just chat about (or not chat about but just focus on) the activity you decided to do. That should hopefully put you at ease with other people and give you the courage to ask them questions.
Good luck.
x
It's also why I am not good at job interviews. I don't blow my trumpet enough
I was brought up by a family who are very informal with everyone they meet, and who tend to put a lot of emotional intensity into their words, speaking dramatically and sentimentally. I suppose I'm like that myself in real life. In the past, unless a person I hadn't met before looked obviously nervous, or looked low or upset, I used to dislike them if they seemed reserved and spoke in a reserved way, because I used to conclude that they were cold and uncaring about other people. Only recently, have I realised that some people like that are sometimes just very shy, and do want to be liked, but just find it very hard to make conversation. So if that is you, perhaps some of the people who haven't warmed to you in the past have just thought you want to be left alone and have no interest in others, and it might help to try to come across as a little more warm/emotional, even if this feels fake at first. Like if someone says something emotional to you, respond with definite sympathy and so on. Like - even if it's just a little insincere in the first instance, just showing some emotion and some emotional supportiveness can make you seem approachable and caring, and that's an important hurdle over with regarding the lots of people who thrive on warmth and informality like myself.
Thanks Janie
I'd suggest it's not you, it's the venue. I don't know any adult who doesn't have small kids who would remotely consider going to Alton Towers, even free, gratis and for nothing.
This is so important. Try not to focus too much on what other people think of you and appreciate all the good qualities you have. And do things you enjoy, even if you do them on your own. The weekend in Leeds is a good start.
When you're happier and more secure in yourself, it will come across naturally and you might find conversations with other people flow a lot more easily.
I also agree with the person who recommended joining a tour group for a holiday. I travelled to New Zealand on my own after my friend let me down at the last minute (no way was I giving up on a trip like that) and I joined a bus tour which was full of other lone travellers. It was the best holiday of my life, and at the end of the three weeks I had made friends with people from all over the world. It will probably bring you out of your shell a little bit too.
There's nothing wrong with being loyal & generous but it sounds like your trying to buy friends which is a big mistake for a start.
I think this is a great post, with lots of very good advice, especially when it comes to moving out of your comfort zone. I used to be very shy when young but gradually overcame it, but that was largely due to making friends with someone who got me out and about and doing lots of things that I never thought I would.
I think the big thing is not to be too hard on yourself, and don't expect everything to change over night. Take it one step at a time, and if one specific thing doesn't work out, then try not to take it to heart and be proud of yourself for at least attempting to change things.
I'd also echo the recommendation for meetup.com, there's thousands of groups on there, and some very specific ones which might cater to your tastes, and most of the ones I've attended have been a lot of fun. And the ones that haven't, well, at least I got a few good anecdotes out of them!
Good luck, anyway, and I hope you find happiness soon.
Take up a new hobby. You'll find lots of people who have things in common with you, and it'll be easier to make friends.
A good place to meet friends is a church or to volunteer. I made some 2 very good friends through doing voluntary work.
I hope you will be alright.