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My Ex's mother. What should I do?
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Okay firstly, the reason I am doing this via a Digital Spy forum is because I don't want to break down into tears to my friends and family. I am considered as being 'the strong one' in my circle, but to cut a long story short, my boyfriend's just broke up with me. I feel a tad embarrassed asking for this advice when only just a few weeks ago I was discussing my anniversary plans on here about a romantic weekend away...
Basically, I didn't find out through someone else, I didn't have to draw the truth out of him and I didn't catch him in the act, he confessed. Yes, as silly as it sounds, I thought he was the love of my life and so on and it did come as a shock. But he was honest with me and it's happened now, but his mother and I got on really well. She said I was like another son to her and we were really, really close. She doesn't know about our break-up yet, but how on earth can I possibly remain friends with this woman who was so good to me with recent events? Should I call her and explain to her because my ex has blocked my number and I don't want to call to his mother's house because he'll most likely be there and I don't want to make a scene? Guys, sorry for being a miserable sod, but like I said, discussing this to friends and family will genuinely make me start crying and I feel like such a fool for telling them all that I loved him!
Basically, I didn't find out through someone else, I didn't have to draw the truth out of him and I didn't catch him in the act, he confessed. Yes, as silly as it sounds, I thought he was the love of my life and so on and it did come as a shock. But he was honest with me and it's happened now, but his mother and I got on really well. She said I was like another son to her and we were really, really close. She doesn't know about our break-up yet, but how on earth can I possibly remain friends with this woman who was so good to me with recent events? Should I call her and explain to her because my ex has blocked my number and I don't want to call to his mother's house because he'll most likely be there and I don't want to make a scene? Guys, sorry for being a miserable sod, but like I said, discussing this to friends and family will genuinely make me start crying and I feel like such a fool for telling them all that I loved him!
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Anyway, this will probably sound really harsh but I don't think you can stay close to her. It won't help in the long term in moving on
Thank you and I am so sorry to hear about yours too. The woman was just an inspiration to me, a salt of the earth woman who just made everything feel safe. I plan on buying her a thank you card with a little message of appreciation and perhaps a little gift. I'll send it through the post because I don't do goodbyes. At least I have the memories to look back on and at least he didn't string me along. But you're right, I need to take a step back. I did tell him to tell her from me that I said thank you for always being there, though he just looked at me and walked out, so I'm unsure as to whether he did or not!
Again, I broke up with my ex what...ten months ago maybe. And not a day goes by when I don't miss her, no cheating, just different people on different paths and she blocked my number.
Anyway I have a point to this! Her Mum was awesome to me, she text constantly to make sure I was alright when it happened, she said to pop around for a cup of tea anytime to talk. In the end I sent her flowers to say thank you for all she'd done, and all I got back was a text saying that she wishes me well for the future. Even when my ex's father passed away in May, and I found out a month later I tried to text and tell them how sorry I was, and her Mum didn't even reply.
So his Mum's loyalty is always going to be with her son, she was the way she was towards you because you were part of her life through her son. Once that link is taken away so will the friendship you shared be. I've witnessed it first hand. You need to let go and try your damned hardest to move on, I found by wanting to talk to the family you're just prolonging it, you just need to try and cut them out. I know it seems awful and clinical saying that and it's the hardest thing in the world to do. But you must know in your head you can't be friends.
You guys are right. All day I've been worrying myself sick over whether he will tell her that I was the one who cheated or just put an end to it, but I know the truth and that's all that matters. I think a little text to say thanks for all of her care and support will be sufficient, anything more will look like I'm probably compensating. I guess it's just the harsh reality of life that people come and go in our lives...
The first part of your post is lovely (the bit about still missing her) but at least you realised that there was no way the the realtionship could move forward. Ouch! about your ex'a mother and the not replying back to your message, that was quite rude! Thanks for your advice.
In always right... When it comes to cars, women and mother in laws
I think it is still a loss when relationships end and you lose not just your partner but their family too, it's sad and I reckon a kind of unacknowledged grief.
Years after my first marriage ended and I was happily remarried my ex father in law died and I cried for days, he was a lovely man, there was no way to express it publicly I had to wait for the feelings to pass.
My ex's mum is disgusted by the way I was treated by her son and I am still really close to her. She's like a second mum to me. So it is possible but unfortunately I think this is rare.
Yes I know I am lucky. It makes life a whole lot easier too!
We didn't speak again after that but it was nice of her to acknowledge that it was all my ex's fault!!
You don't say how long ago he broke up with you, maybe his Mum will contact you and then you can take it from there. However, depending on how long you two were together, I agree that sending a card thanking her for her friendship and kindness throughout your relationship with her son would be a reasonable and nice thing to do.
(The paranoid part on me adds... get someone else to address the envelope in case your Ex recognises your handwriting and decides to intercept it!)
It sounds like it's very raw, so my advice would be to leave it for a while before trying to make any decisions or take any action. You don't need to do anything at the moment, you can just see how things pan out and how you feel.
Also in time once you have moved on you might feel like you aren't that bothered about his mum and are quite happy carrying on life without her entirely. At the moment it's hard to picture that because it sounds like she has been part of your life/relationship, but eventually you'll meet someone else who also has a mum/relatives (probably!) and things will be different.
You also have to consider the fact that she might side with her son (don't mean that to sound so black and white) and although she may be really fond of you, she might just think, well it's the end of the relationship so it's the end of your friendship. Sometimes the closeness with an 'in-law' is only because of the relationship - i.e. they want you to be part of the family because you are dating their son. Once that relationship ends they may well be happier to move on as well and not retain a relationship with what was once their potential daughter/son in law.
Hope you feel better soon though.
I bumped in to my ex's Dad the other week. We were together for 7 years and broke up and I never spoke to his parents again, despite the fact I'd been 'part of the family' all that time. But I stopped and chatted to him and it was perfectly fine. So don't worry about things being bitter and horrible - you can still be courteous and friendly after the break up but the dynamics/closeness will change.