I am sorry to hear what the OP is going through. But reporting people at work to HR is not what I would do in that situation. He has to learn to head these people off with an equally scathing response, said in a joking way, but just as cheeky.
Honestly, there are loads of nasty, snidey people just waiting to make horrible remarks. If it wasn't about his looks, then they would find something else to pick on. If you are a low self esteem type, you are probably a natural target for bullies. I know I used to be.
I used to be really geeky when I was at school. I had some terrible things said to me. I am now fine in the looks department, but I still get comments about other aspects of my life. But I have loads of funny, cheeky answers prepared that I churn out when the situation arises that stop these people in their tracks.
If you know the type of things people are likely to comment on, then you can be ready. Ignoring bullies is not the answer, you just make yourself into a soft touch and easy target.
When that person said that they saw his twin 'with a massive head and looked 9 months pregnant', I would have said 'are you sure you didn't catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror', or something like that. Turn it back on them and humiliate them with a scathing joke.
Firstly, I am so sorry that you have to put up with idiots like this. I have been there and I continue to struggle with low self esteem and confidence issues myself. The first thing I would suggest you do is contact the relevent Union and explain the situation to them. They can advise you the best way to deal with what is happening to you.
The second thing that you should do is make an appointment with your GP. If you are having suicidal thoughts, it is important that you tell your doctor just how low you are feeling and hopefully they can refer you to a counsellor, I know it helped me. It may be the case that they will put you on anti depressants aswell. Either way, it is important that you get help for the suicidal thoughts and the low self esteem as they will not go away on their own unfortunately.
Although self-deprecating humour will work for some people it really depends on your personality as to whether you could pull it off.
I wouldn't suggest making complaints about bullying - you are a big boy and you should be able to deal with it yourself through calm assertiveness.
Personally I'd favour a pleasant smile and a retort like 'and some people are ugly on the inside' or 'your parents should have taught that making personal comments about people's appearance is very bad manners'. Some people are so rude that you can't shame them so it may not work with everyone.
Just read your post to OH supersonic and he says they're ugly on the inside (which is worse) Also he says you could always say, 'I'd rather be ugly than be a bigot'.
I am sorry to hear what the OP is going through. But reporting people at work to HR is not what I would do in that situation. He has to learn to head these people off with an equally scathing response, said in a joking way, but just as cheeky.
Honestly, there are loads of nasty, snidey people just waiting to make horrible remarks. If it wasn't about his looks, then they would find something else to pick on. If you are a low self esteem type, you are probably a natural target for bullies. I know I used to be.
I used to be really geeky when I was at school. I had some terrible things said to me. I am now fine in the looks department, but I still get comments about other aspects of my life. But I have loads of funny, cheeky answers prepared that I churn out when the situation arises that stop these people in their tracks.
If you know the type of things people are likely to comment on, then you can be ready. Ignoring bullies is not the answer, you just make yourself into a soft touch and easy target.
When that person said that they saw his twin 'with a massive head and looked 9 months pregnant', I would have said 'are you sure you didn't catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror', or something like that. Turn it back on them and humiliate them with a scathing joke.
I agree with this first paragraph - whilst tackling the current problem at work (and with revenge being sweet) this is not dealing the with the roots of the problem...
Just another perspective OP, but do you think it's something to do with your persona, rather than your looks, that is attracting this kind of nonsense from people??? Maybe you seem uptight in daily life, or respond well to their ribbings e.g giving a humerous reaction, and always rising, which will obviously encourage them....
Another perspective (as we don't know you here) - are you entirely sure that these people are always serious when making these 'jokes'? If you are laughing along (are you?) maybe they see it as a way of having 'banter' with you?? An example - Do you remember when Bill Bailey used to be on Nevermind the Buzzcocks with Mark Laamar?? They were always dissing his appearance, and calling him a 'troll' and allsorts, in the name of comedy - They were good friends off screen, I believe....
Although there are many mean people out here, only a select few genuinly, and actively, try to hurt ones feelings....
Start thinking about what kind of man you are, and how you'd like to perceived, and just remember - we're all only one second away from a ribbing....People love to rip on eachother, whether it be in an endearing way, competition, or just plain nasty - It's a part of life.
Once again, all the best, and good luck OP - you seem like a nice bloke
I agree with this first paragraph - whilst tackling the current problem at work (and with revenge being sweet) this is not dealing the with the roots of the problem...
Just another perspective OP, but do you think it's something to do with your persona, rather than your looks, that is attracting this kind of nonsense from people??? Maybe you seem uptight in daily life, or respond well to their ribbings e.g giving a humerous reaction, and always rising, which will obviously encourage them....
Another perspective (as we don't know you here) - are you entirely sure that these people are always serious when making these 'jokes'? If you are laughing along (are you?) maybe they see it as a way of having 'banter' with you?? An example - Do you remember when Bill Bailey used to be on Nevermind the Buzzcocks with Mark Laamar?? They were always dissing his appearance, and calling him a 'troll' and allsorts, in the name of comedy - They were good friends off screen, I believe....
Although there are many mean people out here, only a select few genuinly, and actively, try to hurt ones feelings....
Start thinking about what kind of man you are, and how you'd like to perceived, and just remember - we're all only one second away from a ribbing....People love to rip on eachother, whether it be in an endearing way, competition, or just plain nasty - It's a part of life.
Once again, all the best, and good luck OP - you seem like a nice bloke
Unfortunately the kind of people who make these statements won't see the error of the ways and they all skip off into the sunset if the OP makes it clear how upsetting he finds it.
But Achtung is saying the total opposite so how can you agree? He's saying the OP should not show how upset and hurt he is to them, but rather join in the joke as it were.
They are only words, seriously chill out a bit mate. PLENTY of people worse off, trust me.
You, your family and your real friends love you, who cares about those at your work?
Don't say I don't know what I'm on about, I'm working somewhere I despise and the people are idiots BUT I just think of the wage slip at the end of the day on get on with things. Just think, better things to come.
They are only words, seriously chill out a bit mate. PLENTY of people worse off, trust me.
You, your family and your real friends love you, who cares about those at your work?
Don't say I don't know what I'm on about, I'm working somewhere I despise and the people are idiots BUT I just think of the wage slip at the end of the day on get on with things. Just think, better things to come.
There may be people worse off, bit each persons problems are priorities to them and you may work with people you don't like but are they actually cruel? Telling you that you look like the disfigured elephant man or that you should have been aborted? These are very different things to working with people you don't like.
Don't join in the joke, as it's not a joke, and you just perpetuate yourself being a target for them.
What you can do is joke about the joke. I had this one prick years ago who started testing the waters with me, and he made a snide comment. I laughed in a really fake way at what he'd said, saying, "Oh, you're so funny, that's hilarious" etc etc, again, very insincerely. But I didn't walk away, and kept doing this fake laugh at him randomly throughout the day, asking him to say what he'd said again. He didn't try it again.
You can fight fire with fire as well. If someone says you've got a massive head, tell them that you have, and their sister really enjoyed it last night, or something along those lines. It's a case of puffing your chest out, but not losing it. Be nasty back to bullies, and they soon stop. You just have to learn to cross the threshold away from being the target by making them uncomfortable with targeting you, but not in a way that makes you look like a psycho (unless you grab someone by the neck when it's just the two of you, which I once did (even more effective, but not recommended )).
I suppose I'll just have to try and get used to the fact that I'll never be mr handsome, but love myself in other ways. I have a pretty good personality, and always treat other people respectfully; I suppose that's why I get hurt by such scathing comments - I wouldn't dream of hurting anybody, intentionally or otherwise
The John Merrick etc comments came many years ago, but I was so hurt by them, they've stayed with me to this day; a few posters have thought that this happened in the workplace - apologies for not making that clear.
I'm going to go back to work on Monday (I'm using up the last of my holidays at the moment), hold my head up high and deal with things the best way I can. I will also read this thread over and over as I'm getting alot of strength from it; all your replies have been excellent.
the first thing to do is confront them, tell them the name calling is very offensive and not funny. reminded him he is a bully and your giving him this opportunity to mend his ways. if it continues report him whether he's in withe the supervisers. if you dont get any joy from this get legal advive and start an action against the company. that willmake the think twice. worse comes to worse leave and sue for constructive dismissal.
ps keep a record of all dates your picked on
Go sick and put it down to stress caused by the abuse.
Tell HR that you have a recording of it and will use it in court to claim constructive dismissal and sue their arse if they don't sort it out officially.
This is an option, but should only be taken as a very last resort.
The stress of going through such a thing would be huge and wouldn't do any good for the OP's self esteem as the company would fight back and in doing so would interview the colleagues who call the OP names and the OP would hear a lot worse than perhaps he already has. I would think if the OP is feeling depressed now, he will feel traumatised at the end of it and perhaps unable to work due to ill health.
It is a horrid world where people make snap judgements on looks within seconds. Unfortunately, those considered less attractive than the norm are on average paid less, aren't promoted as much and have a harder time gaining employment (another reason why the OP should think before making any life-changing decisions if his looks bother him so very much). Just giving facts here, not an opinion.
It's really a cruel world OP, but you have to picture yourself as a confident, beautiful and successful person on the inside. If you keep telling yourself this every day, their comments will mean less, they really will. Yes you will see that they are unfair but they'll just be the comments of ignorant colleagues who are short-sighted. As you will not be bothered so much, this will show in your demeanour and you just watch...the comments will largely stop. People will stop seeing you as someone to have a pop at and will instead have a banter with you about something else. I'm serious about this, it's PMA - positive mental attitude. And it really does work.
Don't let their comments get you down, nobody's perfect.
I suppose I'll just have to try and get used to the fact that I'll never be mr handsome, but love myself in other ways. I have a pretty good personality, and always treat other people respectfully; I suppose that's why I get hurt by such scathing comments - I wouldn't dream of hurting anybody, intentionally or otherwise
The John Merrick etc comments came many years ago, but I was so hurt by them, they've stayed with me to this day; a few posters have thought that this happened in the workplace - apologies for not making that clear.
I'm going to go back to work on Monday (I'm using up the last of my holidays at the moment), hold my head up high and deal with things the best way I can. I will also read this thread over and over as I'm getting alot of strength from it; all your replies have been excellent.
Thanks all!
Hi SG,
Sorry to hear that you have been having a hard time. Well, here's a response completely out of left-field.....
Why don't you be completely honest in your response to those who are picking on you?
Next time it happens calmly, and showing as little emotion as you can manage say something like:-
'You know, I know I'm no oil painting, and I also realise that you might be saying these hurtful things in jest (put that bit in, whether you believe it or not - makes you appear reasonable and understanding). HOWEVER, these jibes really hurt my feelings, and i'd like it very much if you would stop doing it, please.' And then just return to what you were doing before. If they apologise, just accept the apology and move on.
Doing this, preferably in front of witnesses, is going to make anyone who continues look like a real dick, and will make others on the perifery, but not really partipating in, the abuse want to distance themselves from the perpetrators. I mean, as someone said earlier in the thread, not many people actually WANT to be seen as picking on others/making others feel bad.
Let me just say to the OP, I have been in completely the same situation as he has! 100%.
The way it was with me is that it was never really meant as insults, as I'm sure it wasn't in this
case either, it's just banter. It's not particularly well thought out banter, granted, but still banter nontheless. In a way, it's bullying I suppose. You're not joining in after all and they keep going but I do strongly agree that fighting fire with fire is a good idea. I was pretty depressed a lot of the time with the words they were slinging, or the phrases they were saying.
But after I started slinging some things back of my own, it not only raises your mood but it *becomes* banter and you don't hate it as much. I think if you've left it too long before you do this then it makes it a lot harder to manage, but it's not impossible.
Let me just say to the OP, I have been in completely the same situation as he has! 100%.
The way it was with me is that it was never really meant as insults, as I'm sure it wasn't in this case either, it's just banter. It's not particularly well thought out banter, granted, but still banter nontheless. In a way, it's bullying I suppose. You're not joining in after all and they keep going but I do strongly agree that fighting fire with fire is a good idea.
But after I started slinging some things back of my own, it not only raises your mood but it *becomes* banter and you don't hate it as much. I think if you've left it too long before you do this then it makes it a lot harder to manage, but it's not impossible.
Good luck to you, bro.
What the OP has described is not 'banter'. When something is hurtful to someone else then it is not banter. Your situation may have been totally different, but from what the OP describes, i.e. The comments about being aborted etc can not in any way shape or form be deemed as banter. By classifying them as such you are merely justifying the lowlifes who behave this way.
What the OP has described is not 'banter'. When something is hurtful to someone else then it is not banter. Your situation may have been totally different, but from what the OP describes, i.e. The comments about being aborted etc can not in any way shape or form be deemed as banter. By classifying them as such you are merely justifying the lowlifes who behave this way.
Depends on the trade. I'm not trying to justify what they're saying, not at all. But it quite possibly could be banter from their point of view. A lot of places have very dark humour. They're buggers of people for saying that sort of stuff, I grant you.
However, one thing I'll say is, if it really *isn't* banter and they really hate him, going to the bosses with a tape recording of the banter... you'd better hope they get fired becaause otherwise it'll get worse and they'll **** with you.
What the OP has described is not 'banter'. When something is hurtful to someone else then it is not banter. Your situation may have been totally different, but from what the OP describes, i.e. The comments about being aborted etc can not in any way shape or form be deemed as banter. By classifying them as such you are merely justifying the lowlifes who behave this way.
I suppose to some people it will be banter and that's fine as long as all parties are oaky with it.
I think in this case if the OP says anything about it being hurtful it will be responded to by somebody with "It's just a joooooooke, can't you take a joooke" as such things usually are. Not an I'm sorry we were just messing we didn't mean to upset you as it really should be and obviously a change in the way they treat the OP.
Depends on the trade. I'm not trying to justify what they're saying, not at all. But it quite possibly could be banter from their point of view. A lot of places have very dark humour. They're buggers of people for saying that sort of stuff, I grant you..
It isn't dark humour, it's just cruel. He doesn't join on with the 'joke' so shouldn't it be pretty obvious he's not finding it amusing? I remember there was a girl In my class that had two younger sisters in the same school. She wasn't the best looking girl but her sisters were stunning, which lead to taunts like 'are you adopted' or 'who the hell did your mum sleep with when she got pregnant with you? A deformed monkey?' it left her very upset and with little self esteem. Should we pass this off as banter and dark humour?
My interpretstion of banter is that its a two way thing so if these people are making these Comments to the open and he's not joining in, if it was banter, wouldnt that tell them something? Instead they choose To continue which is just plain cruel. Sometimes there is a line that simply should not be crossed.
It isn't dark humour, it's just cruel. He doesn't join on with the 'joke' so shouldn't it be pretty obvious he's not finding it amusing? I remember there was a girl In my class that had two younger sisters in the same school. She wasn't the best looking girl but her sisters were stunning, which lead to taunts like 'are you adopted' or 'who the hell did your mum sleep with when she got pregnant with you? A deformed monkey?' it left her very upset and with little self esteem. Should we pass this off as banter and dark humour?
My interpretstion of banter is that its a two way thing so if these people are making these Comments to the open and he's not joining in, if it was banter, wouldnt that tell them something? Instead they choose To continue which is just plain cruel. Sometimes there is a line that simply should not be crossed.
I won't say you're wrong, you probably are right. I'm just trying to say what it could be.
You could try wearing a large hat - it will make your head look smaller... <---- JOKE
C'mon. Toughen up - life is hard, it is meant to be this way. You were put on this earth to learn this lesson and how you deal with it will define what kind of person you are. Are you weak or are you strong? This is a test of you and not the people who insult you.
Don't let the buggers get you down. Whenever they crack a joke, just laugh with them and say in a patronising way: "Wow - I don't think I've heard that one before..." or "Wow - I never realised how obsessed you are with me - that's the gazillionth time this week you've commented on my appearance. I think you secretly fancy me". They can be embarrassed but it usually means going down to their level.
And if you react exactly the same way day after day they will give up and get bored with you.
Comments
Honestly, there are loads of nasty, snidey people just waiting to make horrible remarks. If it wasn't about his looks, then they would find something else to pick on. If you are a low self esteem type, you are probably a natural target for bullies. I know I used to be.
I used to be really geeky when I was at school. I had some terrible things said to me. I am now fine in the looks department, but I still get comments about other aspects of my life. But I have loads of funny, cheeky answers prepared that I churn out when the situation arises that stop these people in their tracks.
If you know the type of things people are likely to comment on, then you can be ready. Ignoring bullies is not the answer, you just make yourself into a soft touch and easy target.
When that person said that they saw his twin 'with a massive head and looked 9 months pregnant', I would have said 'are you sure you didn't catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror', or something like that. Turn it back on them and humiliate them with a scathing joke.
The second thing that you should do is make an appointment with your GP. If you are having suicidal thoughts, it is important that you tell your doctor just how low you are feeling and hopefully they can refer you to a counsellor, I know it helped me. It may be the case that they will put you on anti depressants aswell. Either way, it is important that you get help for the suicidal thoughts and the low self esteem as they will not go away on their own unfortunately.
I wouldn't suggest making complaints about bullying - you are a big boy and you should be able to deal with it yourself through calm assertiveness.
Personally I'd favour a pleasant smile and a retort like 'and some people are ugly on the inside' or 'your parents should have taught that making personal comments about people's appearance is very bad manners'. Some people are so rude that you can't shame them so it may not work with everyone.
I agree with this first paragraph - whilst tackling the current problem at work (and with revenge being sweet) this is not dealing the with the roots of the problem...
Just another perspective OP, but do you think it's something to do with your persona, rather than your looks, that is attracting this kind of nonsense from people??? Maybe you seem uptight in daily life, or respond well to their ribbings e.g giving a humerous reaction, and always rising, which will obviously encourage them....
Another perspective (as we don't know you here) - are you entirely sure that these people are always serious when making these 'jokes'? If you are laughing along (are you?) maybe they see it as a way of having 'banter' with you?? An example - Do you remember when Bill Bailey used to be on Nevermind the Buzzcocks with Mark Laamar?? They were always dissing his appearance, and calling him a 'troll' and allsorts, in the name of comedy - They were good friends off screen, I believe....
Although there are many mean people out here, only a select few genuinly, and actively, try to hurt ones feelings....
Start thinking about what kind of man you are, and how you'd like to perceived, and just remember - we're all only one second away from a ribbing....People love to rip on eachother, whether it be in an endearing way, competition, or just plain nasty - It's a part of life.
Once again, all the best, and good luck OP - you seem like a nice bloke
Good post Jay.
But Achtung is saying the total opposite so how can you agree? He's saying the OP should not show how upset and hurt he is to them, but rather join in the joke as it were.
You, your family and your real friends love you, who cares about those at your work?
Don't say I don't know what I'm on about, I'm working somewhere I despise and the people are idiots BUT I just think of the wage slip at the end of the day on get on with things. Just think, better things to come.
There may be people worse off, bit each persons problems are priorities to them and you may work with people you don't like but are they actually cruel? Telling you that you look like the disfigured elephant man or that you should have been aborted? These are very different things to working with people you don't like.
What you can do is joke about the joke. I had this one prick years ago who started testing the waters with me, and he made a snide comment. I laughed in a really fake way at what he'd said, saying, "Oh, you're so funny, that's hilarious" etc etc, again, very insincerely. But I didn't walk away, and kept doing this fake laugh at him randomly throughout the day, asking him to say what he'd said again. He didn't try it again.
You can fight fire with fire as well. If someone says you've got a massive head, tell them that you have, and their sister really enjoyed it last night, or something along those lines. It's a case of puffing your chest out, but not losing it. Be nasty back to bullies, and they soon stop. You just have to learn to cross the threshold away from being the target by making them uncomfortable with targeting you, but not in a way that makes you look like a psycho (unless you grab someone by the neck when it's just the two of you, which I once did (even more effective, but not recommended
The John Merrick etc comments came many years ago, but I was so hurt by them, they've stayed with me to this day; a few posters have thought that this happened in the workplace - apologies for not making that clear.
I'm going to go back to work on Monday (I'm using up the last of my holidays at the moment), hold my head up high and deal with things the best way I can. I will also read this thread over and over as I'm getting alot of strength from it; all your replies have been excellent.
Thanks all!
ps keep a record of all dates your picked on
pps once it all done punch his c unt in...
This is an option, but should only be taken as a very last resort.
The stress of going through such a thing would be huge and wouldn't do any good for the OP's self esteem as the company would fight back and in doing so would interview the colleagues who call the OP names and the OP would hear a lot worse than perhaps he already has. I would think if the OP is feeling depressed now, he will feel traumatised at the end of it and perhaps unable to work due to ill health.
It is a horrid world where people make snap judgements on looks within seconds. Unfortunately, those considered less attractive than the norm are on average paid less, aren't promoted as much and have a harder time gaining employment (another reason why the OP should think before making any life-changing decisions if his looks bother him so very much). Just giving facts here, not an opinion.
It's really a cruel world OP, but you have to picture yourself as a confident, beautiful and successful person on the inside. If you keep telling yourself this every day, their comments will mean less, they really will. Yes you will see that they are unfair but they'll just be the comments of ignorant colleagues who are short-sighted. As you will not be bothered so much, this will show in your demeanour and you just watch...the comments will largely stop. People will stop seeing you as someone to have a pop at and will instead have a banter with you about something else. I'm serious about this, it's PMA - positive mental attitude. And it really does work.
Don't let their comments get you down, nobody's perfect.
Hi SG,
Sorry to hear that you have been having a hard time. Well, here's a response completely out of left-field.....
Why don't you be completely honest in your response to those who are picking on you?
Next time it happens calmly, and showing as little emotion as you can manage say something like:-
'You know, I know I'm no oil painting, and I also realise that you might be saying these hurtful things in jest (put that bit in, whether you believe it or not - makes you appear reasonable and understanding). HOWEVER, these jibes really hurt my feelings, and i'd like it very much if you would stop doing it, please.' And then just return to what you were doing before. If they apologise, just accept the apology and move on.
Doing this, preferably in front of witnesses, is going to make anyone who continues look like a real dick, and will make others on the perifery, but not really partipating in, the abuse want to distance themselves from the perpetrators. I mean, as someone said earlier in the thread, not many people actually WANT to be seen as picking on others/making others feel bad.
Good luck on Monday.
The way it was with me is that it was never really meant as insults, as I'm sure it wasn't in this
case either, it's just banter. It's not particularly well thought out banter, granted, but still banter nontheless. In a way, it's bullying I suppose. You're not joining in after all and they keep going but I do strongly agree that fighting fire with fire is a good idea. I was pretty depressed a lot of the time with the words they were slinging, or the phrases they were saying.
But after I started slinging some things back of my own, it not only raises your mood but it *becomes* banter and you don't hate it as much. I think if you've left it too long before you do this then it makes it a lot harder to manage, but it's not impossible.
Good luck to you, bro.
Depends on the trade. I'm not trying to justify what they're saying, not at all. But it quite possibly could be banter from their point of view. A lot of places have very dark humour. They're buggers of people for saying that sort of stuff, I grant you.
However, one thing I'll say is, if it really *isn't* banter and they really hate him, going to the bosses with a tape recording of the banter... you'd better hope they get fired becaause otherwise it'll get worse and they'll **** with you.
I suppose to some people it will be banter and that's fine as long as all parties are oaky with it.
I think in this case if the OP says anything about it being hurtful it will be responded to by somebody with "It's just a joooooooke, can't you take a joooke" as such things usually are. Not an I'm sorry we were just messing we didn't mean to upset you as it really should be and obviously a change in the way they treat the OP.
Or in other words I agree with what you said
My interpretstion of banter is that its a two way thing so if these people are making these Comments to the open and he's not joining in, if it was banter, wouldnt that tell them something? Instead they choose To continue which is just plain cruel. Sometimes there is a line that simply should not be crossed.
I won't say you're wrong, you probably are right. I'm just trying to say what it could be.
Of course, you're entitled to your view:)
Tney've managed to reach adulthood without developing a brain, understanding empathy, and having a cruel streak a mile wide.
Those morons really do need your pity.
C'mon. Toughen up - life is hard, it is meant to be this way. You were put on this earth to learn this lesson and how you deal with it will define what kind of person you are. Are you weak or are you strong? This is a test of you and not the people who insult you.
Don't let the buggers get you down. Whenever they crack a joke, just laugh with them and say in a patronising way: "Wow - I don't think I've heard that one before..." or "Wow - I never realised how obsessed you are with me - that's the gazillionth time this week you've commented on my appearance. I think you secretly fancy me". They can be embarrassed but it usually means going down to their level.
And if you react exactly the same way day after day they will give up and get bored with you.
Good luck with it!