I've had enough!!!
Supersonic Guy
Posts: 968 Forum Member
✭✭
I've been picked on and ridiculed most of my life because of my looks; the other day, a bloke at work said he'd seen my twin, "He was the spitting image of you, Dave" (not my real name) "He had a massive head and he looked 9 months pregnant"
Now, as someone whose self-esteem is very low anyway, this really stung, and I've been feeling even more lousy about myself. Why do people say such shitty things about other people without thinking about how it may make them feel?
Down the years, I've had the usual:
"You should have been aborted"
"Do you have a girlfriend? No? I'm not surprised"
"you have a face only a mother could love"
.......but the worst ones had to be "Elephant Man", "John Merrick" or "You should have auditioned for the role of John Merrick"
I've been told that I should get used to these derogatory comments and put-downs, but why the hell should I? It's got me to the brink of suicide on a few occasions, but why should I put my family through that, just because of mindless, thoughtless idiots
My team leader at work even joins in, but I can't put a complaint in, as nothing would be done about it, because he's an arselicker who is matey with all the supervisors and management. I just want to be able to let it all go over my head but I can't!
Now, as someone whose self-esteem is very low anyway, this really stung, and I've been feeling even more lousy about myself. Why do people say such shitty things about other people without thinking about how it may make them feel?
Down the years, I've had the usual:
"You should have been aborted"
"Do you have a girlfriend? No? I'm not surprised"
"you have a face only a mother could love"
.......but the worst ones had to be "Elephant Man", "John Merrick" or "You should have auditioned for the role of John Merrick"
I've been told that I should get used to these derogatory comments and put-downs, but why the hell should I? It's got me to the brink of suicide on a few occasions, but why should I put my family through that, just because of mindless, thoughtless idiots
My team leader at work even joins in, but I can't put a complaint in, as nothing would be done about it, because he's an arselicker who is matey with all the supervisors and management. I just want to be able to let it all go over my head but I can't!
0
Comments
i feel for you i really do!!! im also sick of this world being so meaninglessly cruel!!!! you should say the most shocking word you can to them! ill give you a clue it begins with a c and has 4 letters in it!!!:eek: this word normally shuts everyone up! theres far to much evil in this world! xx
Generally, the only thing you can control with any certainty is how you deal with it; to allow yourself to get upset or to allow yourself to brush it off. Perhaps easier said than done, but your reaction is something you have control over, at least.
With regards to people at work, or other people you know personally, you could tell them privately that the remarks they make upset you, and to please not do it again. If they are any kind of human being they won't (if it continues at work there are more official avenues you could take, but dealing with it one or one would I think be better and likely to be affective).
Most folks, although perhaps insensitive, don't like to genuinely upset people.
As to randoms.....we all get it, no-one is perfect. You won't stop it happening but as I said, you can choose to not let it bother you so much. Just laugh at them, or ignore them, or come up with a good one-liner, something like, "at least I have more than two brain cells to rub together" (not very good, but you get the idea:o).
You should definitely raise a grievance at work. It doesn't matter how matey he is with the management, no-one in management is going to risk an employment tribunal for the sake of keeping one of their mates happy. They have a duty to protect you from this kind of harassment, and if they don't then they're opening themselves to all kinds of problems.
If you want to be nice about it, you could speak to or email the team-leader first and say clearly that this all makes you uncomfortable and you want it to stop, or you will be raising a grievance. This approach has the added bonus that he then can't say he wasn't aware it was a problem for you, and thought you thought it was just a bit of banter.
If you're in a union, ask their advice on how to approach it - and if you're not, join one before you complain, as some of them have a waiting period of 3 months before they'll support a grievance.
Seriously, there's no reason why you should put up with this level of abuse, it's not acceptable in this day and age.
They do this because they like you being disturbed and made uncomfortable by what they say. The way I learned to deal with similar comments from being very skinny was to just ignore them completely (ie blank them), or just respond with 'Mhmm', 'ok', 'is that it?' etc, then they look stupid because what they said didn't have the desired effect and often walk off because they have nothing else to say. This method worked for me because I have a dry sense of humour so was able to portray no emotion or response easily.
Eventually they get bored of not getting the response they want and move on. Even when the comments do bother you, don't let them see that, think about it elsewhere. I know this part is hard - but why does what they say even matter, they aren't your friends and probably don't even matter so you, so why should their opinion be important?
Go sick and put it down to stress caused by the abuse.
Tell HR that you have a recording of it and will use it in court to claim constructive dismissal and sue their arse if they don't sort it out officially.
Unfortunately, in this celebrity/looks obsessed world, it appears to be human nature to mock the less fortunate, in the looks department, as if it's your own fault for not looking like a catalogue model!!
I had many flaws back in school, and was often mocked for my hair, spots, and weight - It drove me to tears during many long nights - Now as twenty something, I look pretty damn good, and its amazing how differently you're treated, based on looks alone.
The only advice I can give, is not to rise to these comments, outsmart them with your own wit, and humour, and surround yourself with decent people, who like you for you!!
The world is a cruel place - it's survival of the fittest out here!!
Good luck, and I hope everything works out for you!
Please please please go and see your HR department. no-body should have to put up with bullying in the work place!
Do you have many close friends outside of work? maybe they could help and support you through it all?
As for the suicide thoughts then please tell your doctor about this and see if he can help?
Please let us all know how you get on.
It may be acceptable to use that word once and in not too aggressive manner. If one of them poke fun at you again, reply: "Do be such a c***, will you?".
It is an unpleasant word that I am not proud of usuing myself but it will shock them for a while and make them think twice before making horrible comments - ie: that you are capable of dishing it out as well as receiving it.
As my mum told me: "Don't let the bastards get you down!". Good luck, OP!
There are times when I can let it just go over my head, but these are few and far between, but I'm trying to develop the attitude "I don't give a shit what people think of me", but I'm the sort who does care what people think of me. As I've had so much abuse in the past, I tend to think "Well if so many people say these things, then they must be true"; I suppose it's just a conditioned reflex for me to think it's true.
Bullies - and that's what they are - have a hell of a lot to answer for!
Thank you all again for your kind replies x
keep your chin up, at least you can be assured that you know you are better than them
I'll be honest with you, so try not to take it too personally. If you are an ugly bloke, then the best way to deflect the taunts is to try and roll with them a little bit. You can't stop people being cruel, but you can win them round so they see beyond your looks. Not everybody is blessed with model looks, and some ugly people have gone on to have great success and have beautiful partners. If you give off the demeanour that it gets you down, then it's a licence for bullies to keep going. Retorts like, "If you don't shut up, I'm going to come round your house and scare your kids" or "My mum thinks I'm beautiful" or a stupid T-Shirt with "BUTT UGLY" on it or something could just turn it around. It sounds stupid, but it gives off the impression of being aware of how you look, and that you don't really give a shit. It takes confidence I know, but being a bit self-deprecating can be good reverse psychology.
Hope things get better for you mate, whichever.
Do exactly this.
Yes I quite agree. These people are bullies and - depending on your HR dept - no amount of @rse licking will override the possibility of being sued.
In a first for me, I refer you to the Sugababes lyrics (!):
That's what I got too.
They are and they do.
Sadly there's not a lot anybody can do about it apart from trying to ignore them, easier said than done I know.
It's a rubbish world sometimes
I hope things start to get better for you soon and as ProgRocker says "Don't let the bastards get you down!".
Good luck
Also keep a diary of everything and then follow procedure for reporting them, if nothing is done, threaten them with union talk and contact them for advice.
This is exactly what I would do.
I'm sorry but is this meant to make OP feel better?...I cringed when I read this. I understand what you are trying to imply, but telling the OP to "make the most of his ugliness" does not help in my opinion
The majority of it happens at work, but it occasionally happens outside of work too.
I am an ugly bloke, but I'll certainly give this defence a try.
What is he going to do then? Because it's darn well unrealistic to go through life expecting everybody to be nice to you, as lovely as that would be. We can't do much about our looks, but we can do things with our personality to deflect the comments. What I suspect you think, is that the OP should go and report this to somebody, that somebody should make it stop. He can't, and it won't, but he can neutralise it a bit with some self-acceptance, some self-confidence and realisation that a humorous, carefree personality can often give cause for people to overlook physical appearance for a good personality. It's a cliche, but what else do you suggest?
Personally I would retort "HAVE YOU LOOKED IN THE MIRROR LATELY? and have a sarcy look on my face...that should shut them up. Don't accept insults has humour please, distance yourself from these losers...don't laugh, smile or smirk...give them a look and get back to what you are doing. Nobody has the right to make you the butt of the joke.
Whilst he is pretending to be "happy" and "jolly" and rolling with the insults and derogatory remarks, what do you think happening to his self-esteem. Its not that different to overweight people pretending to love being big but secretly and seriously depressed about it. It can affect you long term, he need to show them he's "large and in charge", insult me at your peril