She comes to us every year and I am getting a little tired of it to be honest. Since we have been married we have only ever had two Christmases alone with our own kids. My parents have both passed away, but used to alternate between my brother and I.
Last year I took a stand and asked one of my husband's brothers to have her for xmas, but he said no because they always have his wife's parents. The other brothers have ever invited her for xmas.
All I would like is a family xmas with my husband and two children. They are of an age where they will soon be moving out and I feel time is running out.
Whilst I wouldn't want her to be alone, I feel it's unfair that it's always me that has to put up with her. ..... she and I are not the best of friends, shall we say ?
Am I being unreasonable ?
I feel for you.
I had to endure the MIL every damned Christmas my boys were growing up and most years I ended up in tears. We had to go to hers, there was no discussion, no debate , my family didn't get a look in. It was her way 'or else' ( I won't go into the 'or else' - that's another story) .
The last year before my eldest went to uni my OH tried to explain to her that we wnated one Christmas at home, she was invited. But no - it had to be at hers, and for a minimum of 6 hrs ( I kid you not)
I did finally put my foot down ( but then we suffered the 'or else :eek:).
However, since then, and now the boys are grown up, I don't have to see her. We now agree to have a meal out the week before Christmas day ( which was fortunately cancelled due to the weather this year). And Christmas day will be MIL free:D
Are you unreasonable ? Absolutely not! Some MILs are hell on earth and you have a right to be a little bit selfish where your own kids are concerned. I wish I had been.
I don't blame you for wanting a Christmas Day with just your hubby and kids especially as it all starts to change once they grow up and leave home.
I would do as others have suggested - start in January and put your foot down with your husband. Be absolutely insistent that it is someone else's turn - and that it's his responsibility to sort that out with his brothers and you will not be guilt tripped by him if he fails to sort it out.
Do not relent - do not be guilt tripped, stick to your guns. It isn't mean or selfish to expect others to take a turn.
I would also be a bit more assertive while she's with you - don't allow her to hog the remote and if she's sniffy about you having a few drinks politely tell her to mind her own business. It's your home - and she's a guest.
Perhaps the OP's children ought to support their mother by not going to the boyfriends house for one year. I think that is the main bugbear for the OP. That her kids desert her and leave her on her own with the MIL instead of having an family afternoon. Or would the kids go to the boyfriends house anyway?
OP if you really want to change things (and I completely understand why you do, I would not have put up with it for so long) you have to plan early.
You have two problems, firstly she expects to come to you and secondly no one else will have her (understandably from what you say as she is a PITA).
The only way you can get out of having her again next year, and every other year for the rest of her life, is for your family to go away for Christmas. Tell her - and the other available brothers - early so she can make other arrangements. Once you break the habit you may find she finds herself an option she can also use in future years. It isn't your responsibility to her find an alternative, unless she is mentally incapacited she should be able to do so herself.
My mother is in her 70s and her OH died a few years ago, but she never comes to ours at Christmas - it's isn't obligatory! She gets together with a couple of friends who live nearby and are also on their own and they have a great time. If you MIL has any friends (:D) that would be an option for her. But unless you make it clear she can't come to you, she ain't going to be considering any other options...
I had to endure the MIL every damned Christmas my boys were growing up and most years I ended up in tears. We had to go to hers, there was no discussion, no debate , my family didn't get a look in. It was her way 'or else' ( I won't go into the 'or else' - that's another story) .
The last year before my eldest went to uni my OH tried to explain to her that we wnated one Christmas at home, she was invited. But no - it had to be at hers, and for a minimum of 6 hrs ( I kid you not)
I did finally put my foot down ( but then we suffered the 'or else :eek:).
However, since then, and now the boys are grown up, I don't have to see her. We now agree to have a meal out the week before Christmas day ( which was fortunately cancelled due to the weather this year). And Christmas day will be MIL free:D
Are you unreasonable ? Absolutely not! Some MILs are hell on earth and you have a right to be a little bit selfish where your own kids are concerned. I wish I had been.
What was the 'or else' ??:eek:
I do love a good MIL thread.
I know exactly how you feel. My MIL always comes for Boxing day, it requires husband driving 30 miles to pick her up, 30 miles back, 30 miles to drop her off and 30 miles home, when she could quite easily do it on her broomstick. One of her other son's who lives around the corner from her has her for Christmas day and gets her home by 6pm. Her daughter who lives around the other corner hasn't spoken to her for 10 years. She'll still be sitting in my house at 2am 27th December Knowing full well hubby has a 60 mile round effin trip.
I feel it's important to let you know that my MIL is rude overbearing and not particularly grateful for the trouble I go to on Xmas Day. It's the same every year. The sprouts are too hard, the turkey is too dry, and she comandeers the TV so my kids have to Sky+ anything they want to watch.
She must be very thick skinned too. Apparently, my MiL doesn't stay here any more because I once made her feel very unwelcome. All I did was do some ironing while chatting to her one sunday morning, while waiting for my lazy git of a husband to get up.
The only way you can get out of having her again next year, and every other year for the rest of her life, is for your family to go away for Christmas. Tell her - and the other available brothers - early so she can make other arrangements.
Yep, book yourselves a nice cottage somewhere for the week and make sure that it doesn't have room for her. Or say the whole family has been invited to friends (the "friends" can always have some domestic disaster to stop you going at the last minute, when her arrangements have already been made).
Exactly. I think your being a bit unfair OP - dont rob your children of christmas with their gran or your husband with his mother you, never know when its going to be your last. I'm facing my first christmas without my grandma this year and would be devasated if i heard my mother talking about her like that if she was still alive. If you dont get on with her you should just lump it for your husband's sake - its only one day and means your husband gets to spend christmas with her mother and theres one less lonely old person spending christmas day alone.
Sorry, but I don't agree. This situation has arisen precisely because the OP has just lumped it, for a good 15 years or so. Instead of being honest with this woman (they don't have to be rude), all of the adults have decided to say nothing to her & have either kept quiet or found ways to avoid her company. The OP is as guilty of that as anyone else - she's told her husband, but not the MIL. He's listened, but not told his mother. She's not robbing the children of anything - they're so fed up with the gran's behaviour that they're deliberately staying away. A few "That's not a very nice thing to say, Gran" or "I think Mum should choose what we watch - she's been on her feet all day" would have made a big difference over the years, just as the OP's husband saying "No Mum, that's Button's favourite programme so we're watching that & you can pick something to watch later" would have reminded his mum that she can't have her own way all the time in someone else's home. The children are following the parents' example by not speaking up - everyone avoids saying what should have been said a long time ago.
I appreciate that you are missing your grandma, but not everyone has that sort of relationship. I don't get on with my OH's mum (we'll never have a warm relationship unless it comes from warming my hands near her funeral pyre ), but I learned from watching four of his sisters & their families say nothing when she caused upset, & their reward for saying nothing is that not only has she kept on doing it, she's probably worse because now she plays on her age & says things like "You'll miss me when I'm gone." The last time she said that to me, I said "Knowing my luck, you'd come back to haunt me & check", which didn't go down too well. I kept my mouth shut for the first year or so that my OH & I were together, but after that I marked her card & kept doing it until the message got through. It's no coincidence that the only ones who now get treated with a modicum of decency are those of us who spoke up back then. I don't know what she says behind my back & I don't care either - as long as she behaves herself in my presence, that will do me.
I'm glad the OP hasn't cancelled this visit, but she should say something well in advance for next year. There's absolutely no reason not to stand her ground with the woman this year either - if her husband doesn't like it, that's the price he pays for not supporting his wife when she needed it. Being old & being the mother of the OP's husband doesn't give the MIL the right to make other people unhappy.
Sorry, but I don't agree. This situation has arisen precisely because the OP has just lumped it, for a good 15 years or so. Instead of being honest with this woman (they don't have to be rude), all of the adults have decided to say nothing to her & have either kept quiet or found ways to avoid her company. The OP is as guilty of that as anyone else - she's told her husband, but not the MIL. He's listened, but not told his mother. She's not robbing the children of anything - they're so fed up with the gran's behaviour that they're deliberately staying away. A few "That's not a very nice thing to say, Gran" or "I think Mum should choose what we watch - she's been on her feet all day" would have made a big difference over the years, just as the OP's husband saying "No Mum, that's Button's favourite programme so we're watching it" would have reminded his mum that she can't have her own way all the time in someone else's home. The children are following the parents' example by not speaking up - everyone avoids saying what should have been said a long time ago.
I appreciate that you are missing your grandma, but not everyone has that sort of relationship. I don't get on with my OH's mum (we'll never have a warm relationship unless it comes from warming my hands near her funeral pyre ), but I learned from watching four of his sisters & their families say nothing when she caused upset, & their reward for their silence is that not only has she kept on doing it, she's probably worse because now she plays on her age & says things like "You'll miss me when I'm gone." The last time she said that to me, I said "Knowing my luck, you'd come back to haunt me & check", which didn't go down too well. I kept my mouth shut for the first year or so that my OH & I were together, but after that I marked her card & kept doing it until the message got through. It's no coincidence that the only ones who now get treated with a modicum of decency are those of us who spoke up back then. I don't know what she says behind my back & I don't care either - as long as she behaves herself in my presence, that will do me.
I'm glad the OP isn't cancelling this visit, but she should say something well in advance for next year. There's absolutely no reason not to stand her ground with the woman this year either - if her husband doesn't like it, that's the price he pays for not supporting his wife when she needed it. Being old & being the mother of the OP's husband doesn't give the MIL the right to make other people unhappy.
Good post. I totally agree that you teach people how to treat you - and if the OP allows it to continue then she can't complain about it.
To add to what I posted earlier I'd also say that if she criticises your cooking I would pull her up on it and say that you'd prefer she kept her negative comments to herself, thanks very much. The OP's husband should not be allowing his mother to treat his wife in this way - he should be putting her straight.
Sorry, but I don't agree. This situation has arisen precisely because the OP has just lumped it, for a good 15 years or so. Instead of being honest with this woman (they don't have to be rude), all of the adults have decided to say nothing to her & have either kept quiet or found ways to avoid her company. The OP is as guilty of that as anyone else - she's told her husband, but not the MIL. He's listened, but not told his mother. She's not robbing the children of anything - they're so fed up with the gran's behaviour that they're deliberately staying away. A few "That's not a very nice thing to say, Gran" or "I think Mum should choose what we watch - she's been on her feet all day" would have made a big difference over the years, just as the OP's husband saying "No Mum, that's Button's favourite programme so we're watching that & you can pick something to watch later" would have reminded his mum that she can't have her own way all the time in someone else's home. The children are following the parents' example by not speaking up - everyone avoids saying what should have been said a long time ago.
I appreciate that you are missing your grandma, but not everyone has that sort of relationship. I don't get on with my OH's mum (we'll never have a warm relationship unless it comes from warming my hands near her funeral pyre ), but I learned from watching four of his sisters & their families say nothing when she caused upset, & their reward for saying nothing is that not only has she kept on doing it, she's probably worse because now she plays on her age & says things like "You'll miss me when I'm gone." The last time she said that to me, I said "Knowing my luck, you'd come back to haunt me & check", which didn't go down too well. I kept my mouth shut for the first year or so that my OH & I were together, but after that I marked her card & kept doing it until the message got through. It's no coincidence that the only ones who now get treated with a modicum of decency are those of us who spoke up back then. I don't know what she says behind my back & I don't care either - as long as she behaves herself in my presence, that will do me.
I'm glad the OP hasn't cancelled this visit, but she should say something well in advance for next year. There's absolutely no reason not to stand her ground with the woman this year either - if her husband doesn't like it, that's the price he pays for not supporting his wife when she needed it. Being old & being the mother of the OP's husband doesn't give the MIL the right to make other people unhappy.
I do agree with your post. However, for some peole, myself and my OH included, it is easier said than done.
With MIL's like this they have had a distinct advantage of having trained their offspring, from day one, to pander/react to their needs.
If my OH doesn't do what she wants she punishes with emotional blackmail and manipulation - as she has done for his entire life. If you stand up to her she either turns you into the bad guy or denies her own bad behaviour. With people like this you can't win. Nothing is ever solved or changed and sometimes the only solution is avoidance.
I wish desperately that I'd stood up my MIL years ago, but she made insidious threats - families /people are very complex and I wish it had been as simple as simply telling her - because it wasn't .
However, I agree very strongly with the highlighted bit - simply being his mum and being old doesn't give you the right to make people unhappy ( she's been making peole unhappy for years, so its who she is, not something that she has become in old age). I would urge the OP to make a stand. It may not be without pain, but she deserves a christmas of her own, and a kind hearted MIL would recognise that.
I do agree with your post. However, for some peole, myself and my OH included, it is easier said than done.
With MIL's like this they have had a distinct advantage of having trained their offspring, from day one, to pander/react to their needs.
If my OH doesn't do what she wants she punishes with emotional blackmail and manipulation - as she has done for his entire life. If you stand up to her she either turns you into the bad guy or denies her own bad behaviour. With people like this you can't win. Nothing is ever solved or changed and sometimes the only solution is avoidance.
I wish desperately that I'd stood up my MIL years ago, but she made insidious threats - families /people are very complex and I wish it had been as simple as simply telling her - because it wasn't .
However, I agree very strongly with the highlighted bit - simply being his mum and being old doesn't give you the right to make people unhappy ( she's been making peole unhappy for years, so its who she is, not something that she has become in old age). I would urge the OP to make a stand. It may not be without pain, but she deserves a christmas of her own, and a kind hearted MIL would recognise that.
100% agree with the bit in bold, my MIL and OH are just like this. As hard as he tries, he cannot stand upto her!! It drives me mad, and nearly split us up early in the year.
I am lucky enough though that we spend Xmas day and Boxing day with it being just us and our boys, but we visit families a couple of days before or after. I hate going to his Mothers (this year more than ever) but I have told my OH that I will go (I wasn't going to, but it's not fair to OH) but we ARE leaving after 4 hours, end of discussion!
OP, I am glad you are not cancelling this year at short notice, but I agree with other posters, you really MUST put yourself first next year, you have put up with this for nearly 20 years, and it is not fair, especially if your children are not happy either.
My children are never happy when we go to see their paternal grandmother, and they are only 5!!! (they havn't liked her since they were 3, and before anyone says anything, I have NEVER said a bad word to them about their Grandma, as even though I hate the woman, she IS still their Grandma and it wouldn't be fair)
Kids are only going out after dinner to their boyfriends houses to get away from here. The last few years the boyfriends have come here, but seemingly they have all changed their plans this year
I do understand that I have let this happen ..... but as I keep saying I KNOW if we didn't invite her none of the others would. The thought of her being alone is not pleasant .... and so the cycle continues.
My husband knows how I feel, but has made it clear that he will continue to have his mother over at xmas for as long as she is here.
I pray every year for a visit from the golden child who lives overseas ...... she drops us like a hot potato when he is around.
Most of the advice given has been sound ... thanks. I think I was just venting, as I know if I put my foot down my husband would have a complete sulk and make xmas unbearable for us all if his darling mummy was left at home.
Kids are only going out after dinner to their boyfriends houses to get away from here. The last few years the boyfriends have come here, but seemingly they have all changed their plans this year
I do understand that I have let this happen ..... but as I keep saying I KNOW if we didn't invite her none of the others would. The thought of her being alone is not pleasant .... and so the cycle continues.
My husband knows how I feel, but has made it clear that he will continue to have his mother over at xmas for as long as she is here.
I pray every year for a visit from the golden child who lives overseas ...... she drops us like a hot potato when he is around.
Most of the advice given has been sound ... thanks. I think I was just venting, as I know if I put my foot down my husband would have a complete sulk and make xmas unbearable for us all if his darling mummy was left at home.
Only 10 hours to go
Hugs to you and good luck!
Even if you could imagine her sitting there with a big snotter on her nose or something just to cheer you up!
I feel for you I really do but in a way at least your OH has got compassion that he wouldn't see her on her own whereas it sounds like the others would.
Even if you could imagine her sitting there with a big snotter on her nose or something just to cheer you up!
I feel for you I really do but in a way at least your OH has got compassion that he wouldn't see her on her own whereas it sounds like the others would.
Do you live in Northern Ireland ? Only ever heard that word here !
Yes I know that my husband is a decent human being, and sometimes I feel so selfish for thinking this way. I just wish he would consider my feelings sometimes. I think the problem is the guilt he would feel if she was on her own. It's an impossible situation.
My husband knows how I feel, but has made it clear that he will continue to have his mother over at xmas for as long as she is here.
<snip>
Most of the advice given has been sound ... thanks. I think I was just venting, as I know if I put my foot down my husband would have a complete sulk and make xmas unbearable for us all if his darling mummy was left at home.
Comments
I feel for you.
I had to endure the MIL every damned Christmas my boys were growing up and most years I ended up in tears. We had to go to hers, there was no discussion, no debate , my family didn't get a look in. It was her way 'or else' ( I won't go into the 'or else' - that's another story) .
The last year before my eldest went to uni my OH tried to explain to her that we wnated one Christmas at home, she was invited. But no - it had to be at hers, and for a minimum of 6 hrs ( I kid you not)
I did finally put my foot down ( but then we suffered the 'or else :eek:).
However, since then, and now the boys are grown up, I don't have to see her. We now agree to have a meal out the week before Christmas day ( which was fortunately cancelled due to the weather this year). And Christmas day will be MIL free:D
Are you unreasonable ? Absolutely not! Some MILs are hell on earth and you have a right to be a little bit selfish where your own kids are concerned. I wish I had been.
I would do as others have suggested - start in January and put your foot down with your husband. Be absolutely insistent that it is someone else's turn - and that it's his responsibility to sort that out with his brothers and you will not be guilt tripped by him if he fails to sort it out.
Do not relent - do not be guilt tripped, stick to your guns. It isn't mean or selfish to expect others to take a turn.
I would also be a bit more assertive while she's with you - don't allow her to hog the remote and if she's sniffy about you having a few drinks politely tell her to mind her own business. It's your home - and she's a guest.
You have two problems, firstly she expects to come to you and secondly no one else will have her (understandably from what you say as she is a PITA).
The only way you can get out of having her again next year, and every other year for the rest of her life, is for your family to go away for Christmas. Tell her - and the other available brothers - early so she can make other arrangements. Once you break the habit you may find she finds herself an option she can also use in future years. It isn't your responsibility to her find an alternative, unless she is mentally incapacited she should be able to do so herself.
My mother is in her 70s and her OH died a few years ago, but she never comes to ours at Christmas - it's isn't obligatory! She gets together with a couple of friends who live nearby and are also on their own and they have a great time. If you MIL has any friends (:D) that would be an option for her. But unless you make it clear she can't come to you, she ain't going to be considering any other options...
What was the 'or else' ??:eek:
I do love a good MIL thread.
She must be very thick skinned too. Apparently, my MiL doesn't stay here any more because I once made her feel very unwelcome. All I did was do some ironing while chatting to her one sunday morning, while waiting for my lazy git of a husband to get up.
Yep, book yourselves a nice cottage somewhere for the week and make sure that it doesn't have room for her. Or say the whole family has been invited to friends (the "friends" can always have some domestic disaster to stop you going at the last minute, when her arrangements have already been made).
Or you could send her away somewhere.......
I appreciate that you are missing your grandma, but not everyone has that sort of relationship. I don't get on with my OH's mum (we'll never have a warm relationship unless it comes from warming my hands near her funeral pyre
I'm glad the OP hasn't cancelled this visit, but she should say something well in advance for next year. There's absolutely no reason not to stand her ground with the woman this year either - if her husband doesn't like it, that's the price he pays for not supporting his wife when she needed it. Being old & being the mother of the OP's husband doesn't give the MIL the right to make other people unhappy.
Good post. I totally agree that you teach people how to treat you - and if the OP allows it to continue then she can't complain about it.
To add to what I posted earlier I'd also say that if she criticises your cooking I would pull her up on it and say that you'd prefer she kept her negative comments to herself, thanks very much. The OP's husband should not be allowing his mother to treat his wife in this way - he should be putting her straight.
made me chuckle as well lol
I do agree with your post. However, for some peole, myself and my OH included, it is easier said than done.
With MIL's like this they have had a distinct advantage of having trained their offspring, from day one, to pander/react to their needs.
If my OH doesn't do what she wants she punishes with emotional blackmail and manipulation - as she has done for his entire life. If you stand up to her she either turns you into the bad guy or denies her own bad behaviour. With people like this you can't win. Nothing is ever solved or changed and sometimes the only solution is avoidance.
I wish desperately that I'd stood up my MIL years ago, but she made insidious threats - families /people are very complex and I wish it had been as simple as simply telling her - because it wasn't .
However, I agree very strongly with the highlighted bit - simply being his mum and being old doesn't give you the right to make people unhappy ( she's been making peole unhappy for years, so its who she is, not something that she has become in old age). I would urge the OP to make a stand. It may not be without pain, but she deserves a christmas of her own, and a kind hearted MIL would recognise that.
100% agree with the bit in bold, my MIL and OH are just like this. As hard as he tries, he cannot stand upto her!! It drives me mad, and nearly split us up early in the year.
I am lucky enough though that we spend Xmas day and Boxing day with it being just us and our boys, but we visit families a couple of days before or after. I hate going to his Mothers (this year more than ever) but I have told my OH that I will go (I wasn't going to, but it's not fair to OH) but we ARE leaving after 4 hours, end of discussion!
OP, I am glad you are not cancelling this year at short notice, but I agree with other posters, you really MUST put yourself first next year, you have put up with this for nearly 20 years, and it is not fair, especially if your children are not happy either.
My children are never happy when we go to see their paternal grandmother, and they are only 5!!! (they havn't liked her since they were 3, and before anyone says anything, I have NEVER said a bad word to them about their Grandma, as even though I hate the woman, she IS still their Grandma and it wouldn't be fair)
Kids are only going out after dinner to their boyfriends houses to get away from here. The last few years the boyfriends have come here, but seemingly they have all changed their plans this year
I do understand that I have let this happen ..... but as I keep saying I KNOW if we didn't invite her none of the others would. The thought of her being alone is not pleasant .... and so the cycle continues.
My husband knows how I feel, but has made it clear that he will continue to have his mother over at xmas for as long as she is here.
I pray every year for a visit from the golden child who lives overseas ...... she drops us like a hot potato when he is around.
Most of the advice given has been sound ... thanks. I think I was just venting, as I know if I put my foot down my husband would have a complete sulk and make xmas unbearable for us all if his darling mummy was left at home.
Only 10 hours to go
Hugs to you and good luck!
Even if you could imagine her sitting there with a big snotter on her nose or something just to cheer you up!
I feel for you I really do but in a way at least your OH has got compassion that he wouldn't see her on her own whereas it sounds like the others would.
Do you live in Northern Ireland ?
Yes I know that my husband is a decent human being, and sometimes I feel so selfish for thinking this way. I just wish he would consider my feelings sometimes. I think the problem is the guilt he would feel if she was on her own. It's an impossible situation.
Only 9.5 hours to go
So basically this is all your OH fault ?